RE : Questions for guys
- Thread starter doubtguy
- Start date
black burn, I really don't understand the crap that you are talking about.
You made a statement: "but living together is very difficult."
I simply asked you to elaborate why it is very difficult. What has this got to do with the forum. The forum is for all sorts of things - marriages, weddings and in this section - matters of the heart.. But what about living together being difficult? Please elaborate..
You made a statement: "but living together is very difficult."
I simply asked you to elaborate why it is very difficult. What has this got to do with the forum. The forum is for all sorts of things - marriages, weddings and in this section - matters of the heart.. But what about living together being difficult? Please elaborate..
milo,
It is not really easy to know when to call it quit in a marriage. There is no simple formula. It depends. Some people will quit the moment there is a problem; some hold on to it when it is clear that it is hopeless. It is different for different people.
And sometimes in life, even if we know the answer (people has been telling us), we still need to walk the road to find the answer for ourselves..
It is not really easy to know when to call it quit in a marriage. There is no simple formula. It depends. Some people will quit the moment there is a problem; some hold on to it when it is clear that it is hopeless. It is different for different people.
And sometimes in life, even if we know the answer (people has been telling us), we still need to walk the road to find the answer for ourselves..
well sm, if the relationship paralyses u from being able to function in Other Aspects, then the relationship becomes a burden, and like a tumour u cut it off. most pple look at it lovingly and "can't bear to let go".
milo, i get wat u mean. u made that choice and encourage pple to work hard on it. i'm telling pple not to even bother making the choice, just let the relationship go.
milo, i get wat u mean. u made that choice and encourage pple to work hard on it. i'm telling pple not to even bother making the choice, just let the relationship go.
powder, unfortunately relationship may not be as simple as a tumour.. if it is it would be simple.. just cut it.
Or like breasts cancer - at times little tumours will grow and then fade away.. and we just can't keep cutting it off..
But of course if we are suffering too much from a relationship, we should cut our losses.. this is for sure..
Or like breasts cancer - at times little tumours will grow and then fade away.. and we just can't keep cutting it off..
But of course if we are suffering too much from a relationship, we should cut our losses.. this is for sure..
that makes me a rather cold person then... haha. i guess giving importance to many other aspects makes it easier for me.
Life is too short... yday nite i was just thinking of death and what death is about... the feeling of Nothingness... can we even feel? would we even have the memories we assume we'll carry with us? will we even remember who we are, our history, our journey?
the more i think abt it, the less time i have to waste on negative bitter feelings, the more i wanna achieve during the short stay here... really, at the end of it i dun wanna be simply a great husband or father or son or fren... i need more at the end. so maybe it's just me... my epitaph should be something i'm really proud and worthy of... i make quiet entrances and loud exits...
Life is too short... yday nite i was just thinking of death and what death is about... the feeling of Nothingness... can we even feel? would we even have the memories we assume we'll carry with us? will we even remember who we are, our history, our journey?
the more i think abt it, the less time i have to waste on negative bitter feelings, the more i wanna achieve during the short stay here... really, at the end of it i dun wanna be simply a great husband or father or son or fren... i need more at the end. so maybe it's just me... my epitaph should be something i'm really proud and worthy of... i make quiet entrances and loud exits...
miloice
Well-Known Member
blackburn, actually the living in part is a very natural and smooth transition for me. There were no unhappy disappointments and big fights at all. I believe compatibility, how much time and commitment the couple spend prepare for the living-in will make the diff. i.e. the courtship period should never be only about nice things like intimacy and fine dining.
We read in forums that many people perceive attending formal family events a few times a year as knowing the in-laws. They are so afraid to meet the folks and then expect to live in with them after marriage. The more uncertainty we leave, the more surprises we could expect after marriage.
We read in forums that many people perceive attending formal family events a few times a year as knowing the in-laws. They are so afraid to meet the folks and then expect to live in with them after marriage. The more uncertainty we leave, the more surprises we could expect after marriage.
milo,
today if...
wife asks, "if your mum and me both fell to the sea, who would u save first?"
wife then ask, "if your sister and me both fell to the sea, who would u save first?"
wife then ask, "if your boss and me both fell to the sea, who would u save first?"
wife then ask, "if u had to choose between career and me, who would u choose?"
what are your answers?
today if...
wife asks, "if your mum and me both fell to the sea, who would u save first?"
wife then ask, "if your sister and me both fell to the sea, who would u save first?"
wife then ask, "if your boss and me both fell to the sea, who would u save first?"
wife then ask, "if u had to choose between career and me, who would u choose?"
what are your answers?
miloice
Well-Known Member
hi bro,
haha... actually I did answer her jokingly on part one.
what are your answers?
Q1 : wife asks, "if your mum and me both fell to the sea, who would u save first?"
A1 : I will try to save both. It would be equally upset if any bad happen to either of them. Practically, so many factors that influence the decision. Including my confidence level to be able to save both. If die die need to choose, I will definitely choose to die with her.
wife then ask, "if your sister and me both fell to the sea, who would u save first?"
Wife of cos. BIL is there to save sister.
wife then ask, "if your boss and me both fell to the sea, who would u save first?"
Of cos not the boss, then I will replace him.
wife then ask, "if u had to choose between career and me, who would u choose?"
I know she will never put be through this. We have always been supportive to each other career requirements. For me, personal achievements are motivation factors and tools to facilitate us to improve our quality of life. Family definitely comes 1st.
haha... actually I did answer her jokingly on part one.
what are your answers?
Q1 : wife asks, "if your mum and me both fell to the sea, who would u save first?"
A1 : I will try to save both. It would be equally upset if any bad happen to either of them. Practically, so many factors that influence the decision. Including my confidence level to be able to save both. If die die need to choose, I will definitely choose to die with her.
wife then ask, "if your sister and me both fell to the sea, who would u save first?"
Wife of cos. BIL is there to save sister.
wife then ask, "if your boss and me both fell to the sea, who would u save first?"
Of cos not the boss, then I will replace him.
wife then ask, "if u had to choose between career and me, who would u choose?"
I know she will never put be through this. We have always been supportive to each other career requirements. For me, personal achievements are motivation factors and tools to facilitate us to improve our quality of life. Family definitely comes 1st.
milo,
assume it's A BRAND NEW DAY, following are the questions for Today...
wife asks, "if your mum and me both fell to the sea, who would u save first?"
wife then ask, "if your sister and me both fell to the sea, who would u save first?"
wife then ask, "if your boss and me both fell to the sea, who would u save first?"
wife then ask, "if u had to choose between career and me, who would u choose?"
what are your answers?
assume it's A BRAND NEW DAY, following are the questions for Today...
wife asks, "if your mum and me both fell to the sea, who would u save first?"
wife then ask, "if your sister and me both fell to the sea, who would u save first?"
wife then ask, "if your boss and me both fell to the sea, who would u save first?"
wife then ask, "if u had to choose between career and me, who would u choose?"
what are your answers?
After u have answered me, pls answer me again for tomorrow, the following day, take a break on friday, answer the same questions on saturday, then take a break on sunday, then repeat Answering the questions for the next few days...
answer it 4 times a week, 40weeks in a year, 8yrs in a decade...
the same questions.
answer it 4 times a week, 40weeks in a year, 8yrs in a decade...
the same questions.
HERE'S MY POINT.
i simply choose not to be with someone who needs me to answer these questions...
it's not meant to be literal, but having to answer these questions are no different from having to be SUBJECTED to Choose between...
mum & wife; siblings and wife; frens and wife; career and wife; and perhaps hobby and wife...
it's a Choice. it starts with something as simple as the questions... an insecure person who restricts u is Making u choose.... time and again.
i think our choices are clear... there's no excuse to work hard if u choose a person who asks such questions. we can choose not to be with pple who asks such questions. whether in hot in courtship or not, i will tell the girl NEVER to ask me such questions again. i'm a person who dun entertain such questions, have no interest to give answers that provide a false sense of security.
ps: sori to open up the topic again, i thought of a way to illustrate it better... in actuality instead of just talking abt it.
i simply choose not to be with someone who needs me to answer these questions...
it's not meant to be literal, but having to answer these questions are no different from having to be SUBJECTED to Choose between...
mum & wife; siblings and wife; frens and wife; career and wife; and perhaps hobby and wife...
it's a Choice. it starts with something as simple as the questions... an insecure person who restricts u is Making u choose.... time and again.
i think our choices are clear... there's no excuse to work hard if u choose a person who asks such questions. we can choose not to be with pple who asks such questions. whether in hot in courtship or not, i will tell the girl NEVER to ask me such questions again. i'm a person who dun entertain such questions, have no interest to give answers that provide a false sense of security.
ps: sori to open up the topic again, i thought of a way to illustrate it better... in actuality instead of just talking abt it.
miloice
Well-Known Member
hi bro,
1st time, I will answer, after a few times, I would answer still but then look her straight in the eyes and feedback to her. And let her reflect and ponder why she is always asking the same question. And beyond one point, I would really reflect if its progressing at all.
I do understand your point. No issue with you now choosing someone insecure. BUT, my point is, its normal to have issues in relationship. What is more important is whether the couple can outgrow these issues and learn how to manage them maturely. In the initial courtship, its easy to not date them. But, when one gets emotionally involved, we don't just give up the relationship at the surface of issues. We will move on when we realize its a vicious cycle. We give up on the relationships when we realize it is NOT WORKING and NOT because there are issues.
1st time, I will answer, after a few times, I would answer still but then look her straight in the eyes and feedback to her. And let her reflect and ponder why she is always asking the same question. And beyond one point, I would really reflect if its progressing at all.
I do understand your point. No issue with you now choosing someone insecure. BUT, my point is, its normal to have issues in relationship. What is more important is whether the couple can outgrow these issues and learn how to manage them maturely. In the initial courtship, its easy to not date them. But, when one gets emotionally involved, we don't just give up the relationship at the surface of issues. We will move on when we realize its a vicious cycle. We give up on the relationships when we realize it is NOT WORKING and NOT because there are issues.
sm,
i'm considering if we should be frens, just by basis of u asking me that question... hehe
the questions are not meant to be taken literally... it's a representation to the kind of Choices u have to constantly make between hobby and wife, frens and wife, family and wife etc... it can stem from restrictions, checking hnadphone/emails or anything that basically seeks to control. Insecurity - those which kinda makes u have to constantly Choose.
anyway to your question, since it's hypothetical... i'll just tell wifey never to ask me that question becos i will never give her an answer. and if she needs an answer, then i am not the person she should marry.
i'm considering if we should be frens, just by basis of u asking me that question... hehe
the questions are not meant to be taken literally... it's a representation to the kind of Choices u have to constantly make between hobby and wife, frens and wife, family and wife etc... it can stem from restrictions, checking hnadphone/emails or anything that basically seeks to control. Insecurity - those which kinda makes u have to constantly Choose.
anyway to your question, since it's hypothetical... i'll just tell wifey never to ask me that question becos i will never give her an answer. and if she needs an answer, then i am not the person she should marry.
miloice
Well-Known Member
yeap, understand what u meant. And u r probably not alone. Its up to personal choices.
For me, my expectation in this aspect is different. I tend to believe alot of wonderful ladies that are suitable mate do have this insecurity traits. i.e. is really common. And that its possible to have a good balance marriage still. I'm more touchy with someone that wants to control not my time but my finance. I believe in freedom in individual finanaces. Anyway, its a no-no for me to micro management in any aspect. I need to be respected and not treated like a kid.
For me, my expectation in this aspect is different. I tend to believe alot of wonderful ladies that are suitable mate do have this insecurity traits. i.e. is really common. And that its possible to have a good balance marriage still. I'm more touchy with someone that wants to control not my time but my finance. I believe in freedom in individual finanaces. Anyway, its a no-no for me to micro management in any aspect. I need to be respected and not treated like a kid.
Joint account? Why not? Just for convenience but not for accountability or financial shackles.
I have two joint account with wife. We both can operate both accounts.
But 1 account I used it (as my main account). the other account she used it.
We don't check on each other's account (although we can). It is just for convenience if one of us suddenly passed away - much easier..
And you don't believe it. 4 years after separation and going into divorce - we still have the same 2 joint accounts. That is the amount of trust we have even if we are no longer hb/wife.
I have two joint account with wife. We both can operate both accounts.
But 1 account I used it (as my main account). the other account she used it.
We don't check on each other's account (although we can). It is just for convenience if one of us suddenly passed away - much easier..
And you don't believe it. 4 years after separation and going into divorce - we still have the same 2 joint accounts. That is the amount of trust we have even if we are no longer hb/wife.
sm,
cos we never needed to have joint accounts, whatever she can't pay i will pay. whatever she can't afford i will pay. but half the time she can afford and pay so no issue. my only joint account is with mum... she's more likely to need my money than my wife.
another reason is that i give money out quite frequently... i dun like to be questioned on my reasons or motive for extending financial help becos i have my own set of discretions.
my financial habit is to have enough for the whole family, for me & wife's retirement... her money is not taken into my equation. i function alone in terms of finances... anything from her i take as a bonus, else wife's money is for her own use. i Never wanna need it.
cos we never needed to have joint accounts, whatever she can't pay i will pay. whatever she can't afford i will pay. but half the time she can afford and pay so no issue. my only joint account is with mum... she's more likely to need my money than my wife.
another reason is that i give money out quite frequently... i dun like to be questioned on my reasons or motive for extending financial help becos i have my own set of discretions.
my financial habit is to have enough for the whole family, for me & wife's retirement... her money is not taken into my equation. i function alone in terms of finances... anything from her i take as a bonus, else wife's money is for her own use. i Never wanna need it.
powder, understand perfectly.
I am just saying in a scenario in which you were no long around (suddenly) and your wife can't touch our money cos she has no access to it till the legalities..
and she may need money to tide over the difficult period.
Having a joint account with sufficient funds - not necessary your current working account - make things much easier for her. You can just create a separate joint account in which you can put money inside.
Just my thoughts. Different people operates differently. What I am saying joint-account may not be necessary bad and is not an instrument to check on each other expenses.
I am just saying in a scenario in which you were no long around (suddenly) and your wife can't touch our money cos she has no access to it till the legalities..
and she may need money to tide over the difficult period.
Having a joint account with sufficient funds - not necessary your current working account - make things much easier for her. You can just create a separate joint account in which you can put money inside.
Just my thoughts. Different people operates differently. What I am saying joint-account may not be necessary bad and is not an instrument to check on each other expenses.
milo
"But its only possible when both parties are mutually trusting and sensible enough"
Surely for HB/Wife - it should be possible to achieve this?
Even though my wife and me are separated - we still operate the same 2 joint account. She even has the key/number combination to my personal safe.
"But its only possible when both parties are mutually trusting and sensible enough"
Surely for HB/Wife - it should be possible to achieve this?
Even though my wife and me are separated - we still operate the same 2 joint account. She even has the key/number combination to my personal safe.
powder, it is good that you make arrangements.
YOu know I used to work in a private bank. There are so many "dormant" account with billions of dollars locked away - the account holder probably dead and their wifes/parents/children do not know about the existence of those accounts.
they remained locked away by the bank.
YOu know I used to work in a private bank. There are so many "dormant" account with billions of dollars locked away - the account holder probably dead and their wifes/parents/children do not know about the existence of those accounts.
they remained locked away by the bank.
sgbabydoll
Active Member
Trust is not about exposing everything you have or disclosing all information to your spouse/partner.
sgbabydoll
Active Member
Milo: "I gotta disagree to a certain degree. No doubt one's responsibility in managing their own insecurity is clear. That doesn't mean no one deserves a relationship simply because of their insecurity issues and it also doesn't mean everyone is capable to cope with their issues by themselves."
Milo, firstly, not that you said I did but just want to reiterate that I have never said insecure people do not deserve to be in a wonderful relationship. Look, it is not a matter of who deserves what. Everyone of us deserves and needs some form of love. But if you care to look around, how many insecure people are really happy being in a relationship? They are crippled by their own sense of insecurity. WHO then is really stopping them from being in a rewarding relationship?
Milo: "What kind of relationship is it if we expect to completely function separately still? It is not a weakness to have needs. We all have different needs, be it emotional or physical."
We actually function A LOT on our own than as a couple in relationship. I believe that only when you can function comfortably on your own would you then be able to really appreciate the company of someone else. The presence of that person in your life is more like an enhancement to what you are or already have.
Milo, firstly, not that you said I did but just want to reiterate that I have never said insecure people do not deserve to be in a wonderful relationship. Look, it is not a matter of who deserves what. Everyone of us deserves and needs some form of love. But if you care to look around, how many insecure people are really happy being in a relationship? They are crippled by their own sense of insecurity. WHO then is really stopping them from being in a rewarding relationship?
Milo: "What kind of relationship is it if we expect to completely function separately still? It is not a weakness to have needs. We all have different needs, be it emotional or physical."
We actually function A LOT on our own than as a couple in relationship. I believe that only when you can function comfortably on your own would you then be able to really appreciate the company of someone else. The presence of that person in your life is more like an enhancement to what you are or already have.
doll,
"We actually function A LOT on our own than as a couple in relationship. I believe that only when you can function comfortably on your own would you then be able to really appreciate the company of someone else. The presence of that person in your life is more like an enhancement to what you are or already have.
Yes and No. It depends. I think it is extreme rare to find two persons who have the right level of maturity to match one another. I mean, people who are so confident and comfortable with themselves - how many are there? These people woulnd't have problem for sure - their companions will only enhance them.
But there are a lot of people who may need guidance and advice along the way. They may need help from their partner.
How much help really depends on the two individuals - how comfortable they are with one another and how willing are they to accept help and guidance.
"We actually function A LOT on our own than as a couple in relationship. I believe that only when you can function comfortably on your own would you then be able to really appreciate the company of someone else. The presence of that person in your life is more like an enhancement to what you are or already have.
Yes and No. It depends. I think it is extreme rare to find two persons who have the right level of maturity to match one another. I mean, people who are so confident and comfortable with themselves - how many are there? These people woulnd't have problem for sure - their companions will only enhance them.
But there are a lot of people who may need guidance and advice along the way. They may need help from their partner.
How much help really depends on the two individuals - how comfortable they are with one another and how willing are they to accept help and guidance.
sgbabydoll
Active Member
SM, I believe there will be a period of adjustment in the early days of a relationship to feel comfortable with each other, and as and when there are major changes in life. But no one should feel crippled by insecurity.
miloice
Well-Known Member
"Everyone of us deserves and needs some form of love. But if you care to look around, how many insecure people are really happy being in a relationship? They are crippled by their own sense of insecurity. WHO then is really stopping them from being in a rewarding relationship?"
There are many people with many different issues. Many of them do learn to grow and get over them. None of it happen overnight. So what someone is having some forms of insecurity. Its all so common. What's important is learning to cope with them. Those that crippled by it are THOSE that NEVER grow out of it. The way u r speaking about insecurity.... is as if its a death sentence, none will be able to be happy.
e.g. do you expect teens and kids to be on the same wave length? No right? Everyone of us are in different levels. We ought to be more understanding and tolerant to each other differences especially in the family or relationship.
I too have my own insecurity. Which I have successfully work out with my partner effectively. For a happy relationship, it need not be the case there the insecurity factor cannot exist. It does exist, to different level to many people from all walks. And it need not be a blocking point all of the time. The key isn't the presence of our flaws but rather how strong the fundamentals are to overcome them. We are no perfect and we don't need to be perfect to be happy. Whether it cripples or grows us, depends alot of the individuals themselves. Do we ALWAYS show a complete intolerance to the flaws and perceive it as crippling? There is no straight answers. Sometimes, its clearly crippling, for others, it might not be at all.
There are many people with many different issues. Many of them do learn to grow and get over them. None of it happen overnight. So what someone is having some forms of insecurity. Its all so common. What's important is learning to cope with them. Those that crippled by it are THOSE that NEVER grow out of it. The way u r speaking about insecurity.... is as if its a death sentence, none will be able to be happy.
e.g. do you expect teens and kids to be on the same wave length? No right? Everyone of us are in different levels. We ought to be more understanding and tolerant to each other differences especially in the family or relationship.
I too have my own insecurity. Which I have successfully work out with my partner effectively. For a happy relationship, it need not be the case there the insecurity factor cannot exist. It does exist, to different level to many people from all walks. And it need not be a blocking point all of the time. The key isn't the presence of our flaws but rather how strong the fundamentals are to overcome them. We are no perfect and we don't need to be perfect to be happy. Whether it cripples or grows us, depends alot of the individuals themselves. Do we ALWAYS show a complete intolerance to the flaws and perceive it as crippling? There is no straight answers. Sometimes, its clearly crippling, for others, it might not be at all.
miloice
Well-Known Member
"Trust is not about exposing everything you have or disclosing all information to your spouse/partner." Fully agreed.
But, how is trust achieved & maintained between couples? One one hand, its not through spying and earsdropping. But on the other hand, it is also not through defending one's secrecy nor constant hiding. IMHO, trust in a relationship is achieved through a track record of integrity and belief that our partner places our interests just as much as theirs.
i.e. if a person integrity is already in suspect, its difficult to trust. Likewise, if he/she is placing other agendas above, it tears the trust.
But, how is trust achieved & maintained between couples? One one hand, its not through spying and earsdropping. But on the other hand, it is also not through defending one's secrecy nor constant hiding. IMHO, trust in a relationship is achieved through a track record of integrity and belief that our partner places our interests just as much as theirs.
i.e. if a person integrity is already in suspect, its difficult to trust. Likewise, if he/she is placing other agendas above, it tears the trust.
in the biz world, u dun show trust by giving lotsa information, and protecting lotsa information...
trust is simply believing in your partners to deliver.
to me the whole idea behind giving all the info, and getting all the info - is kinda warped. there's nothing to prove by knowing every darn thing and giving every darn info... it's often a lack of trust that makes pple need to do this.
trust is simply believing in your partners to deliver.
to me the whole idea behind giving all the info, and getting all the info - is kinda warped. there's nothing to prove by knowing every darn thing and giving every darn info... it's often a lack of trust that makes pple need to do this.
milo,
I don't think you quite get what I meant.
It is not a matter of placing other agendas above.. I mean in a relationship, you cannot expect that you will always be placed No 1 in all situation.
But if you trust your partner, you will know he/she is doing what he/she can do best in the circumstances - without the need to explain or reveal the reason.
I don't think you quite get what I meant.
It is not a matter of placing other agendas above.. I mean in a relationship, you cannot expect that you will always be placed No 1 in all situation.
But if you trust your partner, you will know he/she is doing what he/she can do best in the circumstances - without the need to explain or reveal the reason.
i find that in local context... there's alot of need to prove to each other... prove love, prove commitment, prove faith, prove prove prove...
just for illustration, in the movie titanic - jack asked rose "do u trust me", and rose replied "i trust u".
in spore context, u'd have to go like - "do u trust me? u have access to my email, handphone, facebook, bank account"... and the reply would be like - "yes i trust u becos u have shown me all these, but u still have not proved u love me by buying me a 5k diamond ring and book a 5star 1k-per-table wedding dinner for 45 guests yet"
like i said, just for illustration... of cos might seem abit exaggerated.
just for illustration, in the movie titanic - jack asked rose "do u trust me", and rose replied "i trust u".
in spore context, u'd have to go like - "do u trust me? u have access to my email, handphone, facebook, bank account"... and the reply would be like - "yes i trust u becos u have shown me all these, but u still have not proved u love me by buying me a 5k diamond ring and book a 5star 1k-per-table wedding dinner for 45 guests yet"
like i said, just for illustration... of cos might seem abit exaggerated.
sgbabydoll
Active Member
"it is also not through defending one's secrecy nor constant hiding."
You make it sound like it is wrong to have privacy, just to prove trust exists? It doesn't make much sense to me.
You make it sound like it is wrong to have privacy, just to prove trust exists? It doesn't make much sense to me.
