RE: Need Some advise ....

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whitesmoke69

New Member
Hi to Everyone. I am new here. Need some advise. Have been arguing with my wife frequently since last 2 years. My wife has changed to a very dominating person. Each time we argued, she will throw lots of questions to me and me, can't stand some of the stupid remarks, will flared up (i am quite short in temper type). She will always comment on my temper and best of all, i told her that when i tried to reason things with her, she will not listened and ended up cold wars for many days. When she is pissed with me, she will just take the 2 kids out of our house and stayed with her parents for few days. Didn't even bother with my and kids' feeling.

Last night we had a talk and when i said that she is too bossy, she is not happy and have been passing some childish remarks. I know my temper is bad, i have changed alot and she realised it but why am i still getting all these kraps?

Not too sure how to handle her anymore.

Thanks for listening and also the advise.
 


I think u need to elaborate before any one can give u an objective opinion...

How long have u known each other? How long have u been married? how old are the kids? Is she working or housewife?

Were there problems like these before this 2 years? How is she bossy to you? What kind of questions she asked you? What are the things you argue about?
 
Kids evolves the lives of the couple. Often, they become too pre-occupied and impatient. Just 10 months for me, already we can feel that change. You have to take time to wind down & relax, to reconnect with your partner.
 
u dun tell a bossy person that she's bossy and expect her to listen and change...

it doesn't work that way :P
 
Maybe communicating by writing things down would help. Sometimes in an argument, both parties say things that are hurtful that they cannot take back. Whereas in writing, perhaps these may be avoided.
 
To many, pride is bigger than common sense, family and everything else in their lives. They do not acknowledge this but their actions speak loudly about their values. Even in forums, we see that so often. All speaking like perfect beings themselves and chasing to push down another.

If that applies to you, then reflect about it. Likewise for your partner.
 
Download Love dare on ur iphone...I swear to u it helps. Especially about anger...it puts into perspective why we get angry about stuff and how not to let anger get the better of us and also when anger is actually justified and constructs instead of destruct. You don't have to be religious to believe in good advice.

Wong, I agree that writing helps put things in perspective and provides an outlet, but u will still need that face to face talk...sometimes there are visual cues that writing just does not communicate....we are humans, we sometimes lie
 
maybe something got to do with your tone when you talk or discuss with her?

for all you know, you might sound bossy and domineering to her.

it's like putting out a fire with oil.
 
Yes, writing is sometimes too open to dishonesty. Definitely when things are less heated, face to face talk is necessary.
 
Childish remarks... LOL~ I am facing childish remarks from the morons here almost at every turn, but did I lose my cool?

Dear Eug Lim, women are like that... even men are like that, if you don't believe, you can observe Milo Ice, Vios and bla bla bla.

You have chosen this woman, if you won't divorce, then you have to change yourself.

Remember, women... æ— ç†å–闹是她们的专利.
 
Just asking TS to divorce or change himself. One need to understand why the same woman they married is different today. How to change and change? If one remains clueless and the causes and simply accept that women are unreasonable... its a road downhill to suppressing and losing themselves to the ever changing person they face daily.

Divorce, then what's next? Find someone new? Wouldn't the same logic of æ— ç†å–闹是她们的专利 apply again? The vicious cycle continues just with a different partner.

Then, TS can go face scope instead. Afterall, he has the experience of changing over 100 gfs. To him, its never his fault.

Eug Lim, emotions are like waves... don't let resentments continue to build between the 2 of you. You need to take steps back to work on the fundamentals again. What Vios and others mentioned as pretty true as well... we react to the body language and tone. So, its not just the words exchange. The defenses are already up and hence the aggression.

You need to break that cycle. Let down the pride and defenses. Take that initiative. Even if she doesn't respond well, don't fight her. At the end of the day, least you know you tried your best to peacefully resolve your differences.
 
Good thing that the bott of medi calms him down, but can't improve his mental capabilities and condition, im afraid.
 
其实Eug Lim，你æ¥é”™åœ°æ–¹äº†ã€‚å­æ›°ï¼šå”¯å¥³å­ä¸Žå°äººéš¾å…»ä¹Ÿã€‚

在这个论å›åªæœ‰å¥³å­å’Œå°äººï¼Œä½ æ„¿å¬è°çš„？

女人这东西，我ç»éªŒæ»¡æ»¡â€¦â€¦æƒ…绪一æ¥ï¼Œä¸€ç‚¹å„¿å°äº‹å„¿ä¹Ÿä¼šæžåˆ°å¤©ç¿»åœ°è¦†ã€‚这就是女人（和å°äººï¼‰ã€‚è€å©†æ˜¯è‡ªå·±å¨¶ï¼Œè‹¥æ— å¤±å¾·å¯å¤„处å¿è®©ï¼Œä»¥ä¸ºå›å­ã€‚

你也ä¸å¿…花时间去了解女人。女人心海底针，往往她们对自己都ä¸äº†è§£ä½ åˆæ€Žä¹ˆåŽ»äº†è§£å¥¹ä»¬ï¼Ÿ

è®°ä½è¿™å¥è¯ï¼Œæ— ç†å–闹是女人的专利。她们æ¯ä¸ªæœˆéƒ½æœ‰ç”Ÿç†æœŸï¼Œæƒ…绪会波动，æ€æƒ³ä¼šæ—¶å¥½æ—¶å。你无法改å˜å¥³äººçš„生ç†æˆ–æ€ç»´ï¼Œæ‰€ä»¥ä½ åªèƒ½æ”¹å˜è‡ªå·±ã€‚

百å¿æˆé‡‘，你和女人讲é“ç†æ˜¯å¾ˆæ— èŠçš„。一个æˆç†Ÿçš„男人往往得è¿å°±è‡ªå·±çš„女人而æˆå°±å¥¹ä»¬ã€‚我们男人的怀抱就是包容她们的无ç†å–闹，安抚她们的心çµã€‚

我很喜欢逗这些å°äººå’Œå¥³äººçŽ©ï¼Œå› ä¸ºå¥¹ä»¬å¾ˆä¸æˆç†Ÿã€‚

è¦è®°å¾—，当一个真正的男人，讲ç†æ˜¯æ²¡æœ‰ç”¨çš„。你爱她，你就得包容她。女人除了无ç†å–闹也会温柔似水。所以男人是ç†æ€§çš„动物，女人则似水，æ‰æ‘¸ä¸å®šã€‚到了一定的境界，你就会觉得你è€å©†ä¹Ÿå¯çˆ±ã€‚

她带孩å­ç¦»å®¶å›žå©†å®¶ï¼Œå°±åªæ˜¯è®¨ä¸ªé¢å­ï¼Œå¸Œæœ›ä½ å¿ƒé‡Œè¿˜åœ¨ä¹Žå¥¹ï¼Œä¼šåŽ»è¯·æ±‚她回æ¥ï¼Œè¯·æ±‚她原谅。这是女人的骄纵。当一个男人ä¸äº†è§£å¥³äººæ€Žä¹ˆèƒ½ç™½å¤´åˆ°è€ï¼Ÿå‘µå‘µå‘µ~

至于å°äººä¹‹è¨€ï¼Œä½ å¯ä»¥å½“放å±ä¸€æ ·â€¦â€¦
 
Scope for once i agree, 在这个论å›åªæœ‰å¥³å­å’Œå°äººï¼Œä½ æ„¿å¬è°çš„？ I am the women, so u are the å°äºº?
 
Scope, at least women æ¯ä¸ªæœˆéƒ½æœ‰ç”Ÿç†æœŸï¼Œæƒ…绪会波动，æ€æƒ³ä¼šæ—¶å¥½æ—¶å, but for your case, hopeless, everyday also have 生ç†æœŸï¼Œæƒ…绪会波动，æ€æƒ³ä¼šæ—¶å¥½æ—¶å. Worst, you sprout nonsense everyday, scold people everyday, dreaming everyday.
 
Thanks to everyone. I have read all your advises, I agreed totally. I will calm myself more and its true that as a guy, we need to give in more. I have done that and will improved myself further.
 
Dude, make your efforts count. At the end of the day, you guys need to be moving forward than backwards, if you see things progressively moving in the wrong direction, you know it is not working. Communication, feedback, realignment are all needed. The adjustments made by couples should be natural and comfortable. You guys need to enjoy the process. Doing the same thing all the time and expecting different results will be unrealistic. Guys genetic traits is ability to focus. Use your strengths. At the same time, help her use her strengths. When applied effectively, you guys are one team.
 
Thanks Milo, i will stay focus and move positively forward with her. I luv her deeply and will strengthen myself to face all difficulties.
 
smokey,

dun just give in... it should be a combination of give & take.

infuse her with a false sense of crisis and make her come crawling back to u... then employ the carrot and stick approach to keep her going...

a little bit of manipulation won't hurt a bit
happy.gif
 
Junkie u don't even know what is the real problem and u suggest he 'infuse a sense of crisis'??!!! 'and make her come crawling'. geez ur evil

I don't understand why ur encouraging someone to manipulate someone, a little bit of manipulation will hurt a lot, not just a little.

Are u guys like psychopaths or something?

Slowly infuse her? How?

Junkie, carrot and stick??? Ur funny lei, u can keep her going but for how long?
 
Go knock urself out, to be honest it didn't sound like Eug lim has a genuine problem, no elaboration whatsoever.... He either thinks very little and just want a quick fix or this is just a made up problem posted by someone very bored.

But thanks junkie for highlighting this tactic to me, I keep forgetting that people can be manipulative. This post has proved far more beneficial for me!
 
Posted on Wednesday, April 04, 2012 - 10:50 am: Edit Post Delete Post Print Post Move Post (Moderator/Admin Only)
Go knock urself out, to be honest it didn't sound like Eug lim has a genuine problem, no elaboration whatsoever.... He either thinks very little and just want a quick fix or this is just a made up problem posted by someone very bored.

But thanks junkie for highlighting this tactic to me, I keep forgetting that people can be manipulative. This post has proved far more beneficial for me!

Ho Soisuka,

Just want to highlight, sorry if i did not make myself clear and detailed when i posted my problems. They are true and not a made up problems. I am glad that i have genuine constructive feedbacks from many of you and also for your concern over my problems. Things happened and having difficulties in posting a detailed post.
 
Infusing the sense of crisis is definitely effective as a wake up call. Couples tend to take each other for granted, every now and then when one has gone overboard, some reminders is surely required.

The 'manipulation' is however not on the threatening mode but rather using guilt that the individual feels to trig some reflections. I don't give a shit to a partner that threatens me. Its a sign of the lack of respect. However, if my partner tell me off flat in my face with her honest feedback, it sets me thinking. Threats hardly work positively in the long term.
 
How do u infuse a sense of crisis? And what is considered a threat and what is considered manipulation? Bcos a crisis would feel like a threat to me.

But I agree honest feedback is preferable....
 
yup honest yet non-threatening at the same time.

i find that the tone and choice of words are extremely essential, esp. for partners who can be rather sensitive.
 
manipulation is not necessarily a bad thing...

and even if it's bad, it's still better than fallacious assumption
happy.gif
 
Fallacious assumption often come about because there isn't enough honest communication. Either that or just poor listening or lack of understanding. My 2 cents

But I agree a small amt of gentle manipulation is sometimes necessary. It's call å“„

Pretending not to care will work once or twice, too many times it becomes true and the Rs dissolves
 
"When she is pissed with me, she will just take the 2 kids out of our house and stayed with her parents for few days. Didn't even bother with my and kids' feeling"

now this is bad manoeuvre and a downrite threat.
 
Hmm it depends what was the fight about la, if it's something trivial then it is either a manipulative move or an effort to create a distance so they can both cool off.

I wouldn't call it a threat unless she explicitly expresses that she is leaving for good.

If someone says to me 'if you don't come down now, I assume we are through', now that is a threat.

If she never express intention of dissolving the marriage, she's in your words 'infusing a sense of crisis'.

Since we don't know what transpired to led to this move on her part, we can't really say what would work best besides honest communication.
 
well, gotta be kinder to the fairer sex, rite?

and honesty is a big thing...

just dun get too honest and that will do :P
 
I think kindness is just basic human decency.

I'm not saying brutal honesty .... I mean if really there is a problem that is causing the recurring fights, then u need to get to the root of it. And u can't get there unless ur honest with urself and ur partner.

I realised I just contradicted myself w my earlier post.

Ok here's the deal a sense of crisis may feel threatening for some because they fear abandonment. But the real problem isn't the the sense of crisis but the fear.

But if I explicitly say if you don't do this I will leave u, it is an outright threat.

The couple can do this push pull thing forever, they'll just go around in circles until one of them gets tired and gives up.
 
eug lim, I think it's interesting to note that your wife has sort of changed to become more domineering after marriage. Perhaps before we address your issues or give you some advice, you may like to also do a personal reflection on whether you also have changed your behaviour towards your wife (regardless of who started it first)? And if yes, why do you think you have changed? Examining why you have changed will probably answer your question why your wife has become as such.

There could be many many reasons to this you must realise...

Firstly, she could have been all along a domineering person just that you didn't realise that in her...perhaps because time spent together wasn't as long or as frequent as now.

Secondly, she could be taking the marriage for granted because she might think well, after marriage, I can be my very true self and do anything I like. Or, she could have been putting up with you for a long time and now she subconsciously am taking out on you?

Thirdly, she could have higher expectations of you as her hubby, much higher than what she expected of you when you were just a boyfriend. Maybe she expects you to do household chores, take care of kids etc..basically sharing all the 'newfound' 'excitements' in life as you two stay together now. Other considerations would be...financial issues, kids, in-laws etc. Some women might feel that after marriage, they are giving in a lot more in these areas and expect their hubby to be nicer to them blah blah and as a result started to sound domineering when they don't get things done their way. You might like to examine if these are the causes?

Finally the solution part...whether all these happen because of the above one, two and three...
Best solution to a woman will be communication (calm ones). If you are able to speak with her with a bit of humour (not sure about your personality) while reminding her that you still love her, I believe she'll appreciate it. Different people (including the most domineering type) do respond differently to different people. It doesn't help if you behave just like her - domineering (power struggle here) or frustrated (creates more tension and conflict).
 
I don't see why a sense of crisis has to be a threat. A threat is when you pushes someone against their will with a bait. A sense of crisis is simply highlighting and feedback the seriousness of an escalating problem.

e.g. You can feedback the feelings that are bottling and telling her, you cannot take it anymore, you need breathing space and time to cool and rethink.

That is nothing threatening and it is clearly driving down the message that there is a serious problem.
 
let me address the problem...

Soisuka is an idiot who can't advise for nuts, will never be able to solve problems... just offer worthless thought-processes that will turn out to be a waste of time.

Denise only knows how to solve problems if the husband is like Her husband, and the wife is like her... else her mental comprehension Cannot go beyond that of her own marriage. thinking out of the box is something that hasn't happened in her life, Ever.

Yes the 1st problem to address is bad advice.
 
Eug,

your approach will end in frustration and u will be the typical guy who thinks he has tried his best, when all u ever did is to try your best to control Yourself... but not control the reoccurance of the problems... which stems from u trying to be someone u're not, yet thinking that adopting this approach can solve things... how naive can u be when u have 2 kids already? grow up, look around u and u will realise that problems dun get solved this way.

your wife has a drinking problems and u wanna play nice guy, your wife can be a drug addict and u wanna play nice guy, your wife can be a compulsive and u wanna play nice guy... end of the day who suffers, and will anythiing change? This is like highly-paid Scholars who simply increase taxes and levies to control over-subscription of anything in spore.

how do u control a husband with a short temper and a wife who wants things her way only? by simply applying more patience and controlling your temper, it will only bottle up and u'll be a walking volcano waiting to erupt. neither will yourwife be less domineering simply becos u show patience.

so does that solve the darn issue?

the 2 women i mentioned above will play private investigators and sound like they know what they are talking abt, but eventually they will end up with the same low-level solutions that makes u wonder why it needed so much input in the first place.

if u wanna solve your problems, Start being a Man in the first place. i'm not asking u to be chauvinistic, but at least learn to stand on your own. your wife dun listen to u becos of BOTH reasons, not just 1.
 


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