Parents becoming violent


I am trying to harden my heart. It is very difficult for me to do as it is my nature to be soft-hearted. They know about this character of mine and has been exploiting it for God knows how many years.

It is very difficult for me to bring myself to walk away because they have instilled so much fear in me that walking away is always associated with abandoning them and that means I am unfilial. But I guess I have to choose between being unfilial and being in a dangerous situation.
 
In summary you are saying, you have more trouble walking away than lodging a police report against those whom you think you should be filial to ?

I´d be enraged if someone who is supposedly close to me lodge a police report against me (like how your father raised his hand at you). It´d change the dynamics in a bad/worse way if that´s what you want.
 
Let them know I´m not talking nonsense. Cut the allowances (parts of it or the entire sum) if they don´t get their act together. Distant yourself and not fraternize so much (i.e. phone calls and dinners), make the relationship feel a bit estranged. Usually, those who do not feel at ease with another person would feel inhibited in asking for favors. I implied this earlier.
 
yes, I am already distancing myself from them. I used to call them every night without fail but I have stopped doing that since they are not interested to talk to me anyway (kept hanging up the phone whenever I called). I will also stop visiting them and will only meet them once a month to pass them their monthly allowance. Of course, once they came over here to create trouble, I will deduct the allowance or take it away altogether.
 
The controlling parent will ensue your childlike response if you do not recognize there is a behavioral pattern. (i.e. a child who does not stop crying in her room while the parents try to break into her room) They play the role of the adult and you are forever the child. Break the cycle and be the adult. Don´t just role-play but really get into the role of a real adult.
 
Yes, I am. That's why I have taken it as my responsibility to keep in touch with them and still support them no matter what. But they became more and more daring in their demands and when I told them I am unable to cater to them anymore, that's when they became unreasonable and violent.
 
moonprincess,
it is such a pity to learn that parents can actually treat their own child this way.

Are you afraid of them creating a scene for u? If not, just be firmed. If the parents wanted kids so the kids could support them then parents should have more kids in the 1st place.

Be strong.
 
moonprincess,

frankly, u have given too much to a point its bad for the relationship. You are letting yourself be taken for granted all the way. They are terrible but u encouraged them further. Get the point?

The fishing analogy is very real in any relationship. Its not about giving all you can all the time. You should really put a stop to it. Most people are soft hearted to people we care for. You are not alone. You need to know when to let go and when to pull the thread.
 
Yea, already putting a stop to it now. I will be seeing a counselor tomorrow.

I have this feeling that I have come to a point where I am unable to forgive them. Is it possible to just send a money order/crossed check to their house and get them to cash the money themselves? I really do not wish to see and expose myself to them
 
The incident took place in Malaysia. So far, they haven't come over to Singapore to create trouble yet but no one knows when they will decide to drop by.
 
Maybe is different upbringing... My Dad also have the mindset once he retired, he jus cling on me. Everything is on me. He treat his friend for meals, I was the 1 who pay for it. But last time, my grandparent also depend on my dad when my grandparent is still around. But of course, your case is really extreme.
My Parent in law are different, they expect minimum from us.
So hows the counselor meet up session?
 
I have not met up with the counselor yet, she is not free to meet me today. I had an appointment with her yesterday but something cropped up last minute.

Now my parents are starting to spam my phone with their calls but I am not really interested in picking up. I am really worried they will soon show at my doorstep to create a scene or worse, go to my workplace to do so.
 
Same with my parents..i contributed the monthly household allowance and every weekend i paid for the outing/food expenses while my in laws are very much independent n leading their own life.
 
Yea, same here...my in-laws are also quite independent, never asked my husband for anything in return. Sigh wish my parents can be like them. If they never ask me for anything, all the more I will willingly treat them well, etc. But not when they use threats and violence to get what they want.
 
Okay, no phone calls. A letter / e-mail can serve as a medium to communicate where you draw the line and the consequences of their actions. No need to meet face to face, no risk of violent outbursts at your presence.

What do you hope to achieve by seeing a counselor ? To rewire your thoughts ? To become a impregnable person, the adult ? To purge the master-slave ideas ? You did not seem receptive (no feedback) when that was mentioned. It sounds a bit like, wanting to tell your ordeals to whoever is in earshot.

On calling the police, think for a second if your father gets convicted and attain a criminal record, would you not regret that ? Would a criminal record not implicate anything ? And ehh...if daddy gets sacked for whatever reasons linked to mild assault at you, does it mean you are going to increase his allowance ? If you really think they are going to inflict real harm, then go to the police.

On the side note, has it occurred to you these days at this forum, some people think mental disorder could be the source of problems ? Sometimes, it is just bad behavior, but that is overlooked and used as an excuse for their beloved ones. Sure, there are mental cases but be careful not to simply `diagnose`, after all, there are experts for that.
 
My father is currently retired.

I am going to the counselor to get over my feelings of fear towards them. I am finding it difficult not to give in to their demands because I am forever feeling afraid that they might do something drastic like causing harm to me or my husband.

I am receptive to the idea of purging them out from my life but I am also trying to find out how to do that in the safest way, without them causing harm and damage to my life and my husband's life. I have tried to alert the police about them but they mentioned that they could do anything as no harm has been done yet. Which makes me think that I have to wait until I have been injured first only then they will take action?
 
Mental illness or not, the diagnosis probably help the understanding and acceptance why a person is like this. It doesn't make the person any more reasonable.

Mental illness is a lifetime condition. There is no cure. Only treatments to help keep it in control. You cannot throw your folks in some hospital and keep them there to solve your problem. I don't see any simple solution for you. You may succeed to cut contact with them but for how long?

At the end of the day, there are many tough decisions to be made. To work it out in the most feasible way. There will be those that tell you have the right of this and that. blah blah blah... Relationships is never about who is right. Being frank, there isn't a straight forward solution. Stay focused on what is important to you. Don't let the demands and situation compromise on what is fundamentally essential and important to you.
 
I think right now, what matters most to me is to be able to lead my own life with my husband without them interfering and forever having to fear them coming over to create trouble and giving in to their demands. I have tried umpteen times to make it clear to them that I will willingly provide for them (according to my financial means of course) and I will also take care of them when they are sick or if one of them passes away. But I absolutely do not want them to move in with me when both of them are still well and healthy, simply because I do not have the means to support them once both of them are here.

I have tried to explain this to them a lot of times but they refused to listen and keep forcing me to give in to their demands and threaten to hurt me if I don't do so. So what am I supposed to do?
 
Moon, u need to be firm when needed. Be around they needed you but away when they are trying to harrass you. Its tricky.

Do you have uncles/aunties or siblings that are close to them? It would be useful to maintain updated about your folks through them. The way I see it, u need to minimize the contact and let them feel the lost. Too much of anything is never good. Don't spoon feed them and let them run all over you. Don't expect quick fixes in life. Some people just choose to ignore their folks completely until things snowball or regret when they are no more around. I repeat, there is no straight forward answer.
 
Moon,

I do not advocate purging parents out of your life entirely. I advocate alienating yourself from them, to estrange yourself temporarily (I dunno, a few years ? Until the demands lessen) as a tool to curb the expectations of others. I said this a few times already, I don´t know how else to phrase it. You need to rewire your thoughts, aim to be in the adult-ego state and the rest should follow. You capitulate under their pressure too easily. To protect myself from any physical injury or hysteria, I'll forewarn about the consequences, make no mistake I'll say it only once.

Yes, it bugs you and it's starting to bug me too. You ask, question A. I´ve given my suggestion to question A. You rephrase your question to question A1. Again, I answered. Sorry, I am incompetent in looking for a solution for you.
 
u're emotionally too weak to handle them... u can never win.

the only way to go is to remove them from ur life.
 
So sorry for the frustration, didn't mean to repeat my question. I have lodged a police report just now but they told me that they will only be able to take action once they are acting up in Singapore.

Also called one of the counseling hotlines and told them about my situation. They advised me to stay away from my parents as well to protect my safety so I guess that's what I will do now.

Thank you everyone for your kind words and advice. Really appreciate it.
 
pls take great care in tackling the problem...

too many lives r at stake here. think for ur husband, ur in-laws and ur future kids.

"And yes they even scold my parents who are not even in the picture, and threatened to kill us before they die. Drag us down if they fall..." - ur husband
 
reminds me of one incident that made the headlines years back...

this guy who kena burnt to death by his bro-in-law...

cos he took in his sister who was escaping from an unhappy marriage...

his wife was badly burnt too and scarred for life...
 
Yesterday night my in-laws turned up at our doorstep, at 12 midnight. I refused to let them into my house so we ended up talking right at the door.

Really sad to see the situation had come to this stage, I gave them an ultimatum that should they turn up again I'll stop all allowances, currently we will still give them the $950SGD per month, but through bank transfer. Contact is to be kept at a minimum (wun call or visit them) unless it is dire matters when they get seriously ill or bedridden.

Feeling very bad about it, don't like the feeling of giving ultimatums to people who are supposed to be my senior. haiz
 
dun feel bad for them... not even a tinge of sympathy. u'll hv to get rid of all these unwanted emotions if u wanna save ur wife and urself from this cesspool.

heartless, but necessary.
 
I could not bring myself to face them so my husband did all the talking to them yesterday night at our doorstep. I know that if I had gone out and faced them, I would succumb to their request and manipulations again. So I chose to remain in the bedroom but I was able to hear every single word that they said.

At first my mother was reluctant to accept the ultimatum that we had proposed to them but in the end, I think she realised there was no other choice. We also warned them that should they show up again, we will withdraw the money that we are giving to them now.
 
for long-term security, u should start looking for a new place...

and do not divulge any info to them anymore plssss...

always think 3 steps ahead of them...

well, at least untill they're completely out of ur life.
 
Thanks for the suggestion, junkie. We do have plans to migrate in a few years' time but I would need to wait until my contract ends first with my workplace now.

Went to Maybank to inquire just now and they do have a service to transfer money to a bank account in Malaysia. So will be using that to transfer money to them every month.
 
i know for one to dump his/her parents is considered a very bad thing to do. and for strangers like me to even suggest that to u in a public forum is socially taboo... it's as if i've committed serious faux pas and made a fool of myself and i just dun care...

i just think u need to do the rite thing as in what's rite for u...

ur parents r exceptionally BAD.

2 more articles:

http://www.psychologytoday.com/blog/the-therapist-is-in/200910/poisonous-parents-should-you-cut-them

http://www.nytimes.com/2009/10/20/health/20mind.html?_r=1&scp=1&sq=toxic%20parents&st=cse

take care
happy.gif
 
My husband called them after work today to inquire about their account number. They are refusing to pick up the phone. I wonder what kind of nonsense they are up to now. Sigh.
 
Just to provide closure on this issue, my parents have finally accepted the terms that I will only send them the money via bank transfer. They have also given me the bank account no. and I have told them that I would be transferring the money to them at a certain time of the month. I have also made it clear to them that would be the last time I am calling them and if they would like to contact me in the future, they would have to go through my husband first. I also them I would not be going over to visit them anymore.

They called my husband today to ask if they can come and visit me and he told them no as I am now recovering and by seeing me, they would push me over the edge and I would suffer from a nervous breakdown. I also see the counselor for the first time today and like what all of you have advised me here, she asked me to be kind to myself and put my needs as my first priority. I have set up another appointment to meet her together with my husband two weeks later.

Thank you for all the kind words and advice given here. My husband and I truly appreciate the help given
happy.gif
 
Moon,

Handling your parents is your domain, not your husband´s in the long run. He will be cast as the domineering husband and you know it. Reminds me of switched roles, mother and daughter in law-wars, with the uninvolved husband.

Don´t mind me asking, how did you `un-clam` when calling your parents yesterday ? I thought you were afraid.
 
I just convinced myself that it was for the last time and called them once and for all. Just to get it over and done with.

I have already taken steps to deal with this problem. I am indeed very grateful to my husband for always being there to support me but doesn't mean I let him do all the work so don't worry, I am not taking him for granted
happy.gif
 
Sorry to revive an old thread. 5 months have passed since the previous incident. For every month since Apr we transferred around $950 SGD per month to my in-law's bank account. Every month I would call them to inform them of the bank transfer. Every month before the call I would get the jitters in my stomach and feel extremely negative when I'm about to make the call. As usual every month they would "plead to speak to their daughter" and my wife refused them.

Today I've received a call from them, one day right after the usual call once a month. My FIL complained that both his feet are very painful, he can't walk etc. He then keep harping that we both must take care of him or send him to a nursing home in SG (wonder why they never mention about JB since they both are Malaysians living in JB).

On further asking, he told me that he saw a doctor last Fri, was given ointment and is still in pain. I asked him why he didn't tell me about it yesterday (the day which I called) and he casually brushed it aside by saying "Oh I forgot about it". The conversation we had a day before was all centered on the $950 we gave them were not enough, why my wife didn't gave them any bonus on Sept (which is absurd). He also keep demanding to speak to my wife.

So now he demanded that we should bring him to see a doctor (must be in SG) and we must take care of him (cuz we promised to when one of them fall sick). He even added "since you dun want us to be at your house, please send us to an elderly care centre in SG".

I told my FIL to continue on with the medication for sometime first, if it doesn't get better I'll bring him to seek a second medical opinion.

Sometimes I really wonder should I really trust what they claimed, given their past records of telling lies and wiggling their way out of what they promised, their abusive and stubborn behaviour. In the beginning I was concerned until when my FIL told me he forgot to tell me that he is in pain the day before, and also what they intend me to do for them... "send them to a nursing home in SG".

Help and advice needed.
 
Is your wife the only child? Have you ever tried sending a trained and experienced counselor to talk to them? Any such services in JB?
Sometimes the old folks will soften upon seeing a "authorised personnel".

Let the counselor understand and check the facts.

In the worst scenerio, what are the feasible solutions? At least u still have a 3rd party to understand from both sides and to witness everything.

To understand the issues and finding solutions will be better than escaping and give in blindly.

They are not stupid and can sense it as well.
 
@Ting Yi

Is your wife the only child?
Yes she is. And they have no close relatives nor friends as everyone else avoided them due to their abusive demanding nature.

Have you ever tried sending a trained and experienced counselor to talk to them? Any such services in JB?
Nope, previously have hinted to my in-laws about it but they rejected it saying that they are normal. Don't think they are welcomed to the idea at all, most probably will get into another heated quarrel about it. Not sure if there are any such services in JB.

The only current feasible solution which I can think of is... let them go under the care in an elderly care centre in JB.

1) Both me and my wife worked and live in SG. We can't constantly be at home to take care of them.

2) Given the past incidents I'm really worried about our own safety if they come over to live with us. I don't really feel safe with them living in the same house, living in fear that if we do something that they dun like we will be threatened with knives.

3) Elderly care services in SG are not available to them, they are malaysians.

Yeah we cannot hide forever... haiz.
 
dude,

there are parents and there are greedy self-serving pple... they are both. as adults, i would treat them like greedy pple who happen to be my parents.

how do u deal with greedy pple? u Dun. u simply cut them off and DoNot give them an opportunity to speak to u, u Dun Need to call after transfering monry to them. just take it as monthly insurance premiums.. the type u Only get letters or calls when u missed a payment. so tell them that every month this time, they will get their money and No payment will be missed. and for the net 3yrs any calls from them which u suspect is harassment, the payments will stop.

actually before doing so, i would actually seriously move house, or rent out our place to rent another to stay.i would also block out their phone numbers if possible to be done, and get someone like a relative to only call if they fall very ill.

i will make known that their disgusting behaviour is precisely the reason for our decision to cease All contact. and that we want them out of our lives.

the 2 of u should not be living in fear... u have done your needful, and uhave exhausted all possible efforts to preserve your filial piety and duty qmidst allthe bullshit they have given u. Dun feel bad, regain your life and freedom back.
 
Dark, how old are your in laws? Do they have any religions? Sometimes there are volunteers counselors in the religion center or let them participate in religious activities. While participating, can get the seniors to talk to them as well.

Alternatively, it's good to check out the nursing homes who specialize in dealing with the elderly.
Seek their opinions and see whether there are resident counselors who can arrange for a health assessment and to understand their concerns as well. The key word is to make them compromise and understand that their actions really turn both of you away.

Through a experienced neutral 3rd party, try to mediate and to understand each other better.

They will further advise you in the event when things doesn't work out.
 
Notdark i m afraid my mom will b like ur in laws if i get married.

My mom seems satisfied only w money, n she is at her happiest when i give her money.

In my family, money counts more then love, which makes me sick.
 
Blue, don't have to feel sick about it. If you really want to make her happy and be filial piety, and your mum only wants money and not love. Just give her what you can afford. It is the easiest method to be filial i think. But do find love elsewhere where you can, if you need it.

Notdark,you already have the perfect reason for them not to be in SG. "Elderly care services in SG are not available to them, they are malaysians." And like our government says, Elderly care services in much more cheaper and with that SGD 950, they can lead a super good life in JB. Why bother to suffer in SG.
 


Hi Lee,

Yes, I am starting to do that already. M increasing my social circle and finding my own 'place' in my religion as well. thanks =)
 
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