Parents becoming violent

W

worldangel

New Member
Dear all,

I am having problems with my parents. Have been having it for quite some time (since I am young actually) but recently they became worse. My husband and I have been working very hard to cater to their every whims and fancy and they are not a tiny bit appreciative.

Just for background information, we gave them around 1k per month, and paid for their car as well. Both are retired (my mother has always been a housewife) currently. I have my own house and they have been pestering me to let them move in with us, which I refuse because we do not have enough room plus we want to have our privacy. My parents are known to like to interfere and they also have issues with my husband - they always accuse him of 'stealing' me away from them.

So lately, they have been feeling more and more insecure and vent all their frustration on me. I haven't been doing less for them - still gave them their allowance every month, made time to visit them once every two weeks, brought them out for lunches occasionally, etc. But they are still not satisfied and kept forcing us to let them move in with us.

When I put my foot down and said my no is a final 'no', my father hit me. In the public, in front of everyone today. My husband was there to stop him from hitting me further and he attempted to hit him as well. The security guards had to come to restrain them while we escaped from the premise.

What should I do after this? I am really very distraught and traumatised now. Thank you for your help.
 


maybe it's time u plan for the big escape...

but is it necessary to take such drastic measures? dunno how bad they really r...

u decide.
 
They are always there to make my life miserable. For example, they insisted that I called them every night and used that opportunity to scream and threaten me. Lately, they have been threatening to inflict physical harm on me if I continue to choose to not let them come over to stay with me.
 
This really seems ridiculous to me unless your folks are suffering form senile dementia and some other mental problems.

This is precisely why I think some old folks are sent to the elderly homes and yet their children are criticised for being unfilial. It's really sad when our parents behave like this. Moonprincess, is there any other elderly or senior person in your extended family who could help? For e.g. an uncle, auntie or even grandparents?
 
sounds like they have spent soem time and the casino and need to sell the house to repay their debts... ok ok tat's abit extreme. but i guess they may have plans of monetising their current place and using the money for something they really want?

the hitting is abit too much, maybe it's a good time to walk away for awhile and introduce some distancing... u can still put money in thier bank.

give them time to think abit...
 
Denise, I wonder if they have mental problems which I am unaware of as well. I did try to get them to go and see a family therapist but of course, they oppose that idea very strongly as they think there is nothing wrong with them and they are perfectly fine.

And yes, they are always telling me that I am unfilial for not letting them move into my house but they have their own house and I ensure they have enough to eat and live comfortably. I do not have any other elderly and senior person in my family which I am close to as my parents have sort of isolated every family member they can think of (by being unreasonable and quarrelsome with them) and now they have succeeded in driving me away from them as well.
 
Powder, my father used to have a gambling habit but he has not been to the casino for quite some time. Unless he goes there without me knowing but my mother would not have let him. I do know that they have been talking about selling away their current house to move to a bigger house which I cannot fathom why. Anyway, I told them if they want to move they should do so within their means as right now I have spent around 30% of my pay on them and the rest I need it to pay for my own expenses and my loans. So definitely I won't be able to give them much more. So recently they found out that I would be getting quite a bit of bonus and managed to manipulate me into giving 25% of my yearly bonus to them.

I always get this feeling like they are treating me like an ATM card or some sort of investment as they would always mention things like - you should repay us for every single cent that we spent on you, etc. And recently they also demanded that I paid them a sum of a few hundred thousands then they will bugger off and not bother me anymore. When I asked them why I should give them so much, they said that's the amount I owe them for bringing me up.

I am not able to put money in their bank as I do not have their bank account number. They are also not living here, currently living in Malaysia. And Singapore bank doesn't allow me to transfer money to a Malaysia bank >.<
 
i would highly suggest being discreet with them, and from now on, No More info. some pple have a knack of giving unnecessary info away abt themselves, particularly financials... and then who gets screwed?

since u know they are pretty money-faced, then dun give them any financial info henceforth.
 
let's just call them greedy.

it's one of the reasons why i do not have a facebook account nor open myself to any exposure to pple i have known past n present. most of my frens who are frens will Call.

as we move further in the future, i think pple will get more financially desperate, and my privacy is impt so that i can protect my family and children from desperate individuals. as it is, parents can be so hungry for your money, let alone frens who feel they deserve to share your finances.
 
ok, they're bad...

"And recently they also demanded that I paid them a sum of a few hundred thousands then they will bugger off and not bother me anymore"

give them the money if u can and for safety precaution, start planning for a future without them... dun give them the means to come near u.
 
I never gave them any information about how much I earned nor how much bonus I get. However, they somehow will manage to find out through others.

Junkie, I do not have the means to come up with the amount they want. I am trying to distance myself from them right now and it's very hard. I am having a lot of trouble with the guilty feelings in me right now. I have been brought up with the thought that I should respect them and give in to them no matter what just because they are my parents. Not to mention, I am afraid they will come over to my house to cause harm to either me or my husband just like what they have threatened to do.
 
i knew abt ur story and that's why i suggest u plan for a big escape...

dun hv to feel guilty cos they're REALLY bad and they're going to mess up ur life BIG TIME...

dun give them the money if u can't. but u'll hv to start planning to cut all ties with them. bear with it, u gotta buy time now.
 
u posted abt the same problem b4...

basically it's same shit different day
happy.gif
 
You are right. I guess it's time to put a stop to this.

I have also booked a session of counselling with a nearby Care Corner near my place. Hopefully it will help.
 
I have told my boss about the possibility of them dropping by and creating a scene in my workplace. She asked me why are they making so much trouble and when I told her that it was because I refused to let them move in with me, I could see that she disapproved of my decision. Why am I so affected by what others thought of me?
sad.gif
 
and why did u do tat? this is precisely the information u continually give away to screw yourself over n over in life.

would your parents be able to find out your finances from others if u had learnt to keep it to yourself? and the fact that they can find it out from certain pple, shows tat u are trusting pple u should not trust.
 
"Why am I so affected by what others thought of me?"

this is precisely why u will carry on submitting to ur abusive parents...

and if u're still a kid, u'll be placed under foster care by the state.
 
What's the environment that u grow up in? Are they always very money minded?

Do u hv any other siblings beside u? It is like they are v insecure, tat's y they insisted on moving in with u or demand a large sum of $ in case u forsake them? It might be the cause of hearing too much rumours or gossips around them too.

Have a good talk, assured tat u will always be there and let them know that u can't afford to give so much too.
Is there any relatives tat's close to them that u can talk to too to find out what's really happening?
 
moonprincess, i have a feeling that even if you do have the sum of money that they have requested for and gave it to them, eventually they will still come to you for more money.

it sounds just like my father .. me and the husband has 'loaned' (he says it's a loan, but we know better and do not wish to ask for return) him sums of money countless times .. 3k at one time, 6K at another time, etc but is he ever grateful .. no! he goes around telling everyone who will listen that none of his children (me especially!) has EVER helped him in his times of need (every month sure got parking fines la, accidents, all sorts of stories) .. really treat me and the husband like ATM lor.

I have no relationship with him in the last few years - even though it pains me that I don't not have a father-daughter relationship with him (i was the closest to him growing up), i needed to take a step back and protect my sanity, my marriage and family. My husband works hard for our family and then my dad happily helps himself to his hard-earned money (he's told my mother before that me and the husband are both working so dual-income, can give him money whenever he asks for it!!) - really no respect that i have my own family now and we have our own bills and expenses.. eventually something's got to give and i do not wish that to be my marriage.

actually my husband has been really patient and tried to be understanding .. we all know that my dad is a habitual gambler but he used it as a sob story with my husband - my husband wanted to help him, proposed several ways to help him sort out his finances etc .. he will agree, just to get his hands on the money he's asked for .. pretend to agree with the proposed arrangement and after a few days, he will revert back to his old ways. so we know that he's not interested in changing!
 
its always easy to place a blame on the parent and shake our hands off condemning them as beyond reasoning.

I agree with Ting Yi, they are insecure. I strongly believe that if we look at addressing the insecurity, their demands will naturally become more manageable.
 
milo, it's not insecurity on my father's part - it's because he's pressured by his second family to send money to them .. not enough, will ask from us. is that fair? it was his choice, not ours and we have to deal with it?
 
Cuclainne, my dad was pressurised by his women to send money too. Foolish him supporting them despite not even with him through the yrs.

My point to him was simple, I will support him but he has to earn his own money to support them. I do not sponsor them and its a conflict of interest to me. It will be unfair to my mum. And he respected that.

I'm not saying my parents are more reasonable or anything. I believe that most parents are not monsters. But, many of the demands are outcome of the vicious cycle of bad relationship and expectation management through the years.

If we want to improve the situation, we need to look beyond the demands at hand. Trying to be accomodating to all these demand isn't probably going to help in the long run.

When they see how we try to understand their difficulties and concerns, they too will be more open to appreciate our efforts. Most parents will not want to squeeze us dry. They only do so because they think we don't care about them and this is the only way they can get us to help them. If they realize we are with them and trying our best to help, they would understand our difficulties too.

Parents don't want to trouble their children and be a leech too. They too want to be respected and not treated like a useless burden. There are always 2 sides to a person. No matter how toxic they are, they have a good side.
 
milo, what i don't accept is all the lies! i mean, i don't care that he's got another family - he's already divorced from my mom for many years (since i got married). but we allowed him to stay at the family flat rent-free since the divorce (he stayed in the master bedroom), my mom cooks - he will still eat - we don't mind but he still had the cheek to ask my mother, who was not obligated to help him, for pocket money daily even though he's working and she's a housewife (her 'income' is allowance from me only).

one day ask to 'borrow' 200 and then several days later, will ask for another 150 .. when i ask where does his money go to, he will claim he doesn't know .. if it's money for petrol for his motorcycle (so he can go to work), or even money for lunch (so he doesn't go hungry), me and the husband have no problems giving it to him but it's all the lies that is hurtful .. why can't he level with me?

on his pay day, he will disappear for about 2-3 days and then when he resurface, that's when he will start asking for money - all his money gone! he borrowed money from people, and when it's time to pay them, he will ask from me and if he ask for money, then i had better give in to him - he doesn't care if i have cash in hand or not. once i was having dinner with my family at home, he called asking for 3K - where do i get this cash if not to ask from my husband .. my husband grumbled but said let's eat dinner first and then we can transfer the money .. he kept calling asking me now, NOW NOW! I felt pissed - can't imagine how my husband felt.

we even proposed a way for him to keep track of his finances - my sister holds on to his ATM card and then he gets daily allowance so he doesn't spend it on 4D, etc. at first he was ok with it because he wanted the money badly from us but after a few weeks, he said we were mistreating him!

and he only calls if he needs money - never to ask about me or the grandkids. so now we learn our lesson la - if he says that he needs money to top up cashcard or ezlink, i will put money in to cashcard or ezlink .. never cash because i don't know if that's really what he will spend it on. Haiz ... sorry for the rant, just all the pent-up frustration ..
 
Powder> I had to tell my boss that to protect myself. If I don't tell him, how is she going to alert the guard so that they will block my parents from entering the office once they show up?

And about my finances, it is actually quite difficult to hide from them cos I work in place where the salary is open for everyone to see and when the increment is given, it is also quite standard across the board. So they can find out easily. Not to mention, when I received my letter of offer from the company, they ripped open the letter and saw how much they are offering me.

Ting Yi> No, I no longer have contacts of my relatives. Like what I have mentioned earlier, they have alienated all of them by either treating them badly or pissing them off by asking money from them. So yes, they have always been money-minded. There was once I was starving and had no money of my own, they refused to even lend me a single cent. My current husband (at that time, my boyfriend) had to meet me to give me some money to tide me over.

Milo> Trust me, I have tried talking to them. My husband has also tried talking to them nicely and patiently. He has also given up talking to them and he is one of the most patient people I have ever known.

Basically whatever we said to them they will just deem it as lies and refused to believe us. We could say something with a totally good intention but they can twist and turn it to make us sound bad. We tried to explain to them that we have no means to be able to support them currently if we bring both of them over to live with us but they refused to accept that fact and just kept forcing us to give in to their demands.

I have tolerated them all my life but I think I had my last straw yesterday when he hit me in the public. I used to believe they had a good side to them too but now I have come to the conclusion that they had none and are so self-centred that they only care about themselves.
 
seriously, my dad is a leech lor .. if he cannot get money from my mother, then he will ask her to ask from me .. if he ask from me directly, he said i will lecture him etc and he doesn't want to listen.

but despite all the grief, i still know that he's my father and without him, i wouldn't be here now .. for his birthdays, i am the only one of my siblings to buy birthday cake for him - one year he didn't even bother to turn up! i don't stop him from coming to my house to see the grandchildren or to join the family for meals - it's sad because i am trying to mend ties but he doesn't seem to care.
 
hi cuclainne, frankly, the problem is more than just asking money. Rather, the relationship is broken.

No matter how he demands for money, u should be firm abt it as what you are doing. But at the same time, don't stop trying to rebuild the relationship.
 
cuclaine> I also celebrated my parents' birthdays for them every year but they never even wished me once for mine! There was once I went to bed crying because they couldn't even bother to wish me even when I have tried ways and means to hint to them that it was my birthday that day. But if I even forgot their birthday celebration once, they will make sure I never hear the end of it.
 
Moonprincess, when u deal with abusive people, you need to put them back in place on where there stand. Not asking u to fight them, but, u cannot be their punching bag.

When they are used to pushing u around, they will get worser. For all the effort you put in, u need to get them to feel it. Else, what's the point? Its not building anything and u r juz giving in endlessly to the bottomless pit.
 
moonprincess, i think my family stopped celebrating my birthday since i was 12 .. only my mom and sister will wish me but now i celebrate my birthday with my husband while my family babysits
happy.gif
 
Just like fishing, u need to know when to pull and let go of your fishing thread. That's really what I'm trying to point out. I trust you on how difficult it is. You don't know how many times I cried and felt completely hopeless even in my situation.

But, at the end of the day, its very much an art to learn to cope with difficult parents. Never just give in, you are just growing their expectations.
 
Milo> Yes, I am trying to put them back in their place now because the past few months it had felt as if they are using me as a place where they vent all their frustration and anger. Just because they are trying to deal with their own insecurity doesn't give them the right to abuse me emotionally and verbally, does it?
 
it doesn't but expect it. They will abuse you when angry, they will curse all kind of hurtful words. If you want to put a stop to you, you cannot just take in all these. Its tough and you will need alot of tact and creativity with it. Alot of times, instead of fighting them, u need to know what matters to them to pull the right strings. Give them time to cool down. When they need your help, they will call you.
 
cuclainne> Actually I am not asking for any sort of celebration, but just a wish will do. Furthermore, they like to make promises which they never carry out. For example, they kept promising me that they would attend my graduation ceremonies but never once did they show up.

Just like now, they are going back on their own words because previously, they promised me when I gave them 1k it is more than enough already for them and since they got their own house, they won't bug me to let them move in unless one of them has passed away. I have made the necessary arrangement should that happen but whenever I tried to explain it to them, they will say I am lying to them.

It is very tiring to try to assure someone who doesn't really want to believe what you are saying.
 
"This is precisely why I think some old folks are sent to the elderly homes and yet their children are criticised for being unfilial. It's really sad when our parents behave like this."

Completely agree with Denise comments. It is very easy for anyone to come with that conclusion.

Abt mental illness, things are not so clear when in the situation. I have seen many sane people behaving irrationally. Frankly, what make an mentally unsound people obvious are 2 things:-
1) During an attack where they are very harrassed by the dellusions and clearly confused.
2) Side effects of the medication they take. It blocks off many normal senses and make them weirdly non responsive and slow.
Other times, it is very very difficult to detect their conditions.

The line between insanity is really very grey when you deal with close loved ones.
 
Moonprincess &amp; cuclainne,
just to clarify, I'm not trying to belittle your problems you have. But, what is your intention, if its to improve things, then it doesn't help to give up abt them. Its very tough, never easy. But, we can never choose our parents. Some may just walk out of their lives completely and shutting the door.

If you want to continue to try to build on the relationship, then you cannot give up. This is really my point. We have to keep trying even when we are not faced with any immediate results we like to have. Take micro steps to help them see the light some day.
 
Hi everyone,

I'm moonprincess's husband. Decided to post some of my thoughts here too after my wife showed me the thread.

Like my wife, I don't think I can tolerate the thought of having my in-laws staying together with us. To some others it might seemed that my in-laws are very insecure hence they keep demanding to shift in but to those who know the history they just come across as selfish abusers who manipulate the family tradition of a child being filial to the parent.

Personally after being together with my wife for 6+years, I don't think my in-laws treat my wife as their daughter at all.

1) Which parent will tell their child to starve to death during their 1st month of working (waiting for their pay), while the parents themselves have enough money to eat?

2) There are countless times when I call my wife (then girlfriend) only to hear her crying softly while her parents are shouting and trying to break into her bedroom to hit her. Reason? Some random stuff irritated them and they flare up.

3) There is one incident where my FIL threaten my wife (then girlfriend) with a chopper.

4) In-laws turned up at her workplace (previous job) without any pre-warning, hit my wife then drag her back to their home during her working hours, ignoring her pleas and the staff at the office.

5) Saying mean stuff all the time, demanding money and other unreasonable demands.


As for why my in-laws lost contact/on bad terms with all their relatives, is due to them constantly harassing their relatives for money and family inheritance. They had been doing that since before I met my wife. The saddest part is, they can even threaten to hurt their own mother (my wife's grandmother) if their siblings dun succumb to their demands. All these stopped when my wife came back from overseas studies (on scholarship, not paid by parents) and my in-laws also received a lawyer's letter from their relatives to warn them not to harass their relatives anymore.


In the beginning I actually believed that they might change for the better, but sad to say, I don't even have the slightest hope they will change now. The most recent episode where they hit my wife in public, in front of me is the last straw. My FIL even keep taunting me to hit him, and shouting that he and my MIL are so badly treated by us. And yes they even scold my parents who are not even in the picture, and threatened to kill us before they die. Drag us down if they fall, what sort of parents are they?

Who are the ones badly treated here? We gave 2k+RM per month to them, visit them once every 2 weeks, called them every night, pay for their car installment. I feel that we don't deserve this kind of treatment. The security guards that came over were shocked to find that we gave my in-laws so much yet they still demand more and more. That's why the guards ask us to go first while the 4 of them detained my in laws yesterday.


Sighz.
 
But should I continue to put myself at risk by exposing myself to them just because I want to help them see the light some day? Trust me, I have been trying for the past few years, ever since I graduated and started working. I have tried to show them that I am serious about taking care of them but they are not even appreciative but will instead subject me to fear them just to get what they want.

So what I want to know is - what is the breaking point? Must I wait until they have really injured me and caused me to end up in the hospital before I break all ties with them? Before that, I must be like an angel, forgiving them for every threat that they make and all the pain they have caused me just because...they are my parents?

My husband had also been traumatised by these incidents. It has not been easy for him and I feel bad for putting him in this situation through no fault of his.
 
even parents can be imprefect.

You only have one life to live. Be kind to yrself.

Nobody will give u a medal for being the MOST FILIAL children in the world.
 
when u get married, u are supposed to have a life of yr own.

Why do pple get tied down with filial piety ?

At the end of the day, u are not being fair to yrself.
 
hi moonprincess &amp; notdark, u do not need to explain or prove anything to anyone. You know your priorities and do what you can within your limitations. You cannot do more beyond that.

There will be those that will judge and condemn. So be it. There are no perfect solutions in life. We just try to get the best out of the situation. Take care.
 
"So what I want to know is - what is the breaking point? Must I wait until they have really injured me and caused me to end up in the hospital before I break all ties with them? Before that, I must be like an angel, forgiving them for every threat that they make and all the pain they have caused me just because...they are my parents?"

moonprincess > Both of you already have your own answers to your questions. There's really no need for social validation. Perhaps, a more constructive question will be "What can we do to protect ourselves from further abuse and harassment?"
 
Thanks milo, irene, junkie, clark.

Like what you all said, we actually know the course of action to be taken. What that is really holding us back these years are the internal conflicts within us (they are getting old, and we must be filial and respect them vs being abused most of the time and them treating us like nothing besides a cashcow).

Perhaps we shouldn't judge ourselves too much, and not worry about what other people say when we pull the plug on my in-laws.

@irene

As for the question "What can we do to protect ourselves from further abuse and harassment?"

Is there a possible way to sort of ban them from entry into Singapore? We went to the police station and they said the Personal Protection Order cannot be filed against people not living in Singapore. And there is really nothing much we can stop them from coming over to harass us.
 
Actually, I'm quite impressed on how experienced and professional our police force are in handling difficult folks. I guess, there are frequently called in for these family and social disputes.
 
Will you all able to relocate (I mean within SG) and totally disappear from their radar somehow?

And yes, don't be too upset if people who do not understand think you all are unfilial or what. I think enough is enough. They are not in your shoes and will never understand your situation.
 
What you all said is correct. I think the relationship is sort of broken beyond salvation. I called the counselling centre this morning and they will arranging for me to go for a session either tomorrow or Wednesday. They did advise me to lodge a police report, which I am not sure if I should as the incident actually took place in Malaysia.

We are looking into migrating to another country but I am unable to leave my job currently until at least 1 or 2 years. Also not easy to adjust to a new life in a new country. We will see how it goes. If they still come over to our place here and create a lot of trouble frequently, I guess this might the only way out in the end.

I hope the police will be competent in handling this situation should the need arise. We did go to them last year and they told me there is no need to place a report as the violence has not occured yet. Makes me think...are they only going to take action once someone has been injured?
 


Moon,

Associating yourself with a person in a `friendly way` lowers inhabitations of the person asking more. I´d personally lengthen the distance.

Quintessentially, you play the role of the child and they play the role of the parent. Indeed you cannot choose the family you are born into but you can choose to change your role, the role of an adult and not be subjected to hysterics.
 
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