No hope already. What to do now?

Discussion in 'Matters Of The Heart' started by feelingalone, Aug 7, 2017.

  1. feelingalone

    feelingalone New Member

    My husband (30+) and I (20+) have been together for the past 9 years. ROMed in 2013, and moved into our new BTO in Aug last year. It seems now we are on the road to a divorce.

    It started about 6 months ago when he suddenly became cold to me. We talked about it and he brought up our biggest problem - intimacy. We have yet to consummate our marriage. I don't think I hate sex but I feel very uncomfortable with him touching me. It feels like I'm being molested. Maybe it has to do with the way he touches me - groping my below when I'm about to fall asleep or me waking up to him rubbing my nips. He started doing this years ago and I've begged him many times not to. To no avail.

    We don't have a lot of normal physical intimacy, close to none after we moved in together. Normal as in kissing, hugging, cuddling, holding hands etc. Many times when he starts his touching in the middle of the night I tell myself I have a duty as his wife so I just close my eyes and try to bear with it. But natural instinct makes me push him away.

    Anyway things didn't change after the first talk and after the second talk it was evident that he did not want to put in anymore effort into this marriage.

    I became a housewife after we moved in together so right now I still do all the housework and cooking his dinner while he works to pay for the house and the bills. We barely talk 5 sentences every day and it's becoming tiring to have to pretend we're ok in front of my family.

    Pretty sure his concern is the same as mine right now - where to stay. We have only stayed here for about a year. He probably can't go home since he quarreled with his family I think (refused to tell me anything) and I'm not keen to move back home either. I spent alot alot of effort on the house and would really hope to continue staying in it.

    I know he has a valid reason for immediate divorce. If he decides on that, what will happen to the house? Back to HDB? With him paying majority of whatever we've paid so far, will he be able to "make" me transfer it to him or will the judge "award" it to him? Can I do anything to be able to continue living in it (eg getting a family member to buy it or something)?
     


  2. nanastar

    nanastar New Member

    It depends whether did he paid the majority using CPF or cash. If he paid using CPF, the judge cannot transfer the CPF. If it's cash, than maybe you are able to nego, if not, you can ask your husband to transfer the house to you, but you pay him back the CPF. Do you have kids? If you have no kids, it's hard for you.
     
  3. ing1

    ing1 Member

    I think first and foremost, you should get a job first. Else how are u going to finance the house loan even if u managed to get the house?
     
  4. sugaricing83

    sugaricing83 New Member

    I find it weird that you are not doing anything to change your mindset and save the marriage. If you feel weird of the way he is touching you, shouldn't you be telling and showing him about how he should be touching you so that it makes you more comfortable?
     
  5. arsenal_84

    arsenal_84 Member

    i'll be real blunt up front, if a sex counselor can offer some views to improve the intimacy issue so why not ?
    if TS mental state is not ready, then perhaps is time to re-evaluate your married status.
     
    miloice likes this.
  6. feelingalone

    feelingalone New Member

    Why does it seem like I am the only one to blame? We have done your suggestions but he is unwilling to change his mindset. He was brought up as a king whom everyone has to obey whether they like it or not. In other aspects I have done my part as a wife. But he already does not give me respect as his wife; is it wrong to demand that basic respect as a person or a woman? What if it was your daughter or sister?

    But since it appears to many that I am the one at fault, I will reflect on my mistakes and work on saving this marriage. Thanks everyone.
     
  7. nanastar

    nanastar New Member

    It's not your fault. But if you are asking for a divorce, you are on the losing end. Because you don't work and you have no kids. There's no reason for you to be a housewife.

    It's okay to ask for a divorce if you think that this man is not suitable for you. You are with him for 9 years. Whether he is right for you, you have more say than us.
     
  8. Staypositive

    Staypositive Active Member

    Perhaps you can share how he behave like a king?For intimacy issues,do u really hate him touching you or there are other physical issues?anyway,this is ur marriage and you are the best person to make the decision.if you feel that you really want out in this relationship,then dun waste further time,since it's already nine years.anyway the both of you will still have to go for counseling if you file for divorce.
     
  9. arsenal_84

    arsenal_84 Member

    these factors already show that TS is in a lose-lose situation.
    the house will most likely end up in a sale and proceeds split according to the judge verdict of who was paying more of the HDB house loan.
     
    nanastar likes this.
  10. miloice

    miloice Well-Known Member

    Where is the blame? Are you being too sensitive.
    The suggestion for seeking a sex therapist for professional help is a constructive one. Your husband is probably as clueless as you on how to savage the marrige. It is very hurting when the partner treats him like a sex manic trying to violate her. This is probably his side of the story. As you put it, his MCP ego is greatly affected.

    Realise that intimacy and sex need not be related. In my opinion, intimacy is way more important. It builds the closeness and bond between couples. Even if there are sexual issues, it can be resolved if the couple are close enough to be understanding and supportive. To be open enough to face their issues together without blame. From what you shared, you guys don't cuddle at all. Even if you move on, realise intimacy will continue to be key in your future relationships. Couples need to be comfortable enough to share their lives together, revealing their thoughts, needs and dreams. These are generally true for any relationship.
     
  11. buddhabar

    buddhabar Active Member

    Seriously i doubt anyone can advice you here.
    By reading your post, nobody knows who's having a problem. On one hand you sounds like you have a mental block and cant reconcile with your husband touches or have you ever have been touch by a man and not felt replusive? Could it be a past trauma that result in your current behavior. But again , when you described your husband behaving like a " king " , it does sounds like he is behaving abnormally in the bedroom..did he force , threaten or blackmail you to accept his advances or make you do "unnatural" things against your will. Copulation is part of marriage but rape is not.
    Lack of sex is valid reason for divorce because without sex no marriage will prevail.
     
  12. Cath_rina

    Cath_rina Member

    Is he a local guy?
     
  13. miloice

    miloice Well-Known Member

    is your father a local guy?
     
    candyapple and ing1 like this.
  14. Cath_rina

    Cath_rina Member

    No relation
     
  15. Staypositive

    Staypositive Active Member

    If ur not interested in advising others in their issues, there is no point posting nonsensical comments.
     
    nanastar likes this.
  16. miloice

    miloice Well-Known Member

    LOSER. Your unwillingness to answer already gave the answer. You are child of a loser by your own context.
     
    nanastar likes this.
  17. nanastar

    nanastar New Member

    I seriously suspect she is a troller From all the post she posted and all the things she wrote, honestly don't make sense.
     
  18. Staypositive

    Staypositive Active Member

    She may be real,just that she has very thick skin to highlight her flaws to all and thinks that there is nothing wrong with them.such ppl exist.her value system is also flawed but she still stubbornly cling on to it.
     
  19. miloice

    miloice Well-Known Member

    could be a guy.... just a troll. don't think too much lah
     
    newproject likes this.
  20. Staypositive

    Staypositive Active Member

    Guys wouldn't scold their own kind would they? Btw this person seems more like one nutcase.
     

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