Need to Move on, How ?

[germaine5155]

I have had my divorce finalized at the beginning of 09 but is still constantly feeling sad when I think of the past. We have separated since Apr 08, and I have also moved on with life, and have a new bf.

Is it normal to feel sad when I thought of all the times that my ex-husband and I shared? Or I should really try very hard to stop thinking of these times anymore? I have moved back to my parents place since last year, but whenever I go back to the home to retrieve my stuff, I can’t help but “search” for clues that he in fact has brought up his gfs. I minded that he bring other girls up to the matrimonial home, but yet, I cant differentiate I am upset because I feel that he is taking advantage of the flat ( I have to move out & continue to pay for the installments while he continues to stay there) or is it that I feel very jealous. Sometimes, I tell him off, but at times, I just feel that if it was me who is staying there instead, I would most probably bring my bf up too?

Right now, I just want to know if I am behaving abnormally, because sometimes I think too excessively. In what ways do I need to work towards so that I can be truly happy again? When I am with my boyfriend, I feel very happy and blissful. But whenever I see that home, a lot of memories will flow back, and I start to feel upset all over again. Many times, I went back to the home, just so that I could release my tears and pent up emotions.

Recently, he brought his 3rd gf home, and even use the bed sheets that we used on our wedding night. When I told him that I feel very uncomfortable, he just said “ok”. I did feel better after that, although I cannot stop imagining why he can be so insensitive, though of coz, what he does with the girl is none of my business anymore.

I just want to move on in life, and get this painful lesson out of my head.
How can I do that? And in the first place, am I behaving normal? And Just that I need time to forget?

 

[stuv]

Che,
Divorce is never easy to grasp esp if one is sentimental. May I ask, in your case, who is the "guilty party"? It might help if your ex hb is the guilty one and you used it as a form of telling yourself that he is not worth to keep. You program your mind.

It is very noraml to feel sad esp you have build the home together. There is no value in thinking of the past as you hv decided to move on with your bf. Life is all abt choice. Its good that you have a bf now, you could divert your energy into building this relationship.

Your thought is normal when you think of the matrimonial home. Maybe I relate to you my experience so that you could feel better. My ex wife committed adultary and move out of the matrimonial home to be with that man,for some reason, she decided to come back but I decided not to take her back. She file for divorce and we are divorced now. My damaged: paying child/ house maintenance which is higher than ave sin monthly household income plus tuition. I also leave them with the landed house which was fully paid by me. I am now staying on my own without any maids, yet i am paying for her maids, and household stuff. Her new bf and parents also stay over at times.

I feel bitter initially as i suffered financial losses big time for her mistake. Yet I decided to move on as going back to the past is not gonna help. Morally, I feel I have done my part for my kids.

You should stop minding his biz, what he does hv nothing to do with u. This way, you could be better off. Out of sight out of mind.

Sorry for my rush post....

 

[sillywoman]

germaine, i think u still need some more time to get over this & u need to b honest with ur feelings! I'm sorry to ask u this but y do u keep going back to the hse? u will just get upset each time u go back so y not just move all ur things out of the house? there is no reason for u to keep going back & get upset all over again & again!

To me i think what u r feeling now is pretty normal! It common that u still feel sore but u got to be strong & stay focus. Try not to look back in the past & concentrate on ur present & future! Since u hve a bf try to focus on him instead!

Dnt b too hard on urself, keep urself busy either with work or hang out with ur frz & bf if not get a new hobby & keep ur mind off frm all these!

All the best to u! Gd luck!

 

[canbear]

Germaine,

Wow, how come your ex-hubby so "hiong" one? 3rd gf? And sleep on your "wedding bed"? He's such a playboy. Did his behaviour become like that recently only, or even b4 your marriage, you could see signs of these coming?

There's a lot you need to recover from. The emotional scars inside of you naturally make you feel miserable when you think about whatever good times you had with your ex-hubby.

Perhaps you have not spent enough time with your new bf. Build a stronger relationship with him, and long enough, you will soon forget about the past hurting memories. Our human brain has this fantastic ability to replace joy for hurt, given the right environment and time.

But be warned though. Make sure you know what you are getting into now. You know the saying "Once bitten twice shy". Not to be a wet blanket, but there's no guarantee that you and your new bf will be compatible.

Think about it: Don't all married couples think they are meant for each other before marriage? They spend elaborate time, money and effort planning for their big day and the future. For some, they only realized later things were not as rosy as they had seemed to be.

I'm not asking you to be pessimistic but be open. Feel the freedom, yearn for that simply happiness in life. Think beyond the lovery-dovey stuffs that often blind you from what true love is made of.

If you need further help, seeing a counsellor might work. Or better still, seek help from your own family and friends who truly care for you and can give you that needed support. It helps a lot.

Good luck.

 

[germaine5155]

Thanks Stuv, Silly Woman and David.
Our divorce was because initiated by me. We have been married for closed to 4 years. Everything was ok until after he came back from overseas attachement (he was away for a year). Though we did survive the LDR, and he came back, I realized that things were different already. We do not talk as much as we did previously. And what is saddening is that at the end of the day, we will both return home, and head to do our own things. (Him surfing net, playing games while me, after failing to get his attention, just pop by to my mum’s place every evening). Of coz he still does the things like fetching me from work to home, and we do eat our meals together as far as possible, but we are really drifting apart.
What really made me want a divorce was his obsession to pornography (he MUST watch it every night) and him starting to turn violent during fights. Initially I tried to brush it off, thinking he has his own needs, and that sometimes, I was too short and hot tempered for him to handle. But as days goes by, I really cant help but start feeling inferior and it really affected our sex life. In addition, his snoring problem has caused us to sleep separately every night. Tried to approach a doctor for help, where the only solution is to do an operation, but I wouldn’t want him to undergo the risks of an operation.
And from there, the drift is so far apart that we hardly interact anymore. Though there isn’t really any major problems like adultery or what, but I really felt we were not a married couple anymore. We didn’t have a baby yet because I am still doing my part time degree. And he always attributes my attitude problem (he claims) to work and studies stress. One fine day, I had a heart to heart talk with him, telling him our drifting apart problem and his obsessions that I cannot accept, things took a drastic turn, and we were just separated because he couldn’t agree and understand what I was telling him. He feels that he is not wrong.
Then one thing leads to another, separate leads to a divorce, and to now. In between he did try to chase me back, but at the same time, also did very hurtful things to me. Which was why I did not accept him again.
I keep going back to the old home for 2 reasons, one is to really retrieve my stuff, while the other part of me still want to “keep tabs” on him. I just feel I still not able to let go emotionally, which is worrying me a lot, coz it has been a year plus already.

 

[baby_lonblue]

i really wonder if it is that easy to find a new bf so soon after each divorce or break up ?
i think mentally and both emotionally , it is very hard to forget or let go completely and enter a new relationship if you had really truly love that person before.....

what u feeling now is absolutely normal unless u had truly lost all feelings for your ex hb

in this case, not fair to the new bf

 

[icygal]

Germaine has the same case as me; I endure for 4yrs as a gf & 2yrs as a wife. Nothing changed. So I divorce him, yes I initiate the divorce.

Right now I have never been happier than before and I forgot the hurt & finally feel the hate for him dragging me for so long. And super glad that I woke up and choose the life that I want.

Anyway that sissy is now being divorced by his 2nd wife. And I became good frds with her...

Hope you choose your way of living. Be happy~

 

[powder]

Germaine,

u really keen to move on?

just head back to the time when he wasn't in your life, treat him as dead and just erase that portion away.

honestly if u're gonna be thinking bedsheets and calling that house a matrimonial home, u're far from moving on.

u must understand 1 thing - humans have a strong tendency to be dramatic, perhaps influenced by tv/movies to act more saddened than they should be, and thus with our powerful subconscious - we ARE exceptionally saddened. if u understand the rationale behind humans and the typical human reactions, it would not be difficult to look at yourself as a 3rd party, and wonder what the hell u're thinking now??? wasting time and youth.

a simple fact is - nomatter how much lose your appetite and dun eat, nomatter how much u cry, nomatter how much u stare at the 4 walls... THERE'S REALLY NO-ONE WATCHING.

it's either u get back up on your feet OR u waste your time away. there's no 3rd option which u'd like to believe...

let me just throw u another reality... IF u're back with him now, will u be happy?

u want him to be someone he ISN'T. he ISN'T the person u wanna be with. it's just the freakin past that was nice becos back then, there really wasn't many adult expectations of u.

 

[germaine5155]

Hi powder,

u are right, i keep saying moving on, moving on, yet i am not exactly doing the things i need to do, to move on.

If i am back with him, i know i will NOT be happy. THat is also why in the first place, i wanted to leave him.

and Thank you for explaining the 3rd party rationale to me. Its true that it was my fren who is facing the same situation as me, i will have a very clear cut advice for her. I really need to view things from another perspective, and stop self deluding.

Sigh, i just wish i can be strong enough to handle and not fall back into that shit hole.

thanks again .....

 

[powder]

Germaine,

being strong is abt SEEING, KNOWING, REALISING that the things that should really matter in life - are the things that should really matter. it's abt seeing thru the the things that really aren't impt that will no longer contribute to your happiness and well-being - even if it has done so in the past.

i used to enjoy playing tennis/squash/basketball in the past, i can only say i enjoyed them when i was young. i can no longer enjoy them nor will they make me very happy as in the past... i'm just indifferent now... and no point for me to be thinking how good i was. i just need to know they formed an integral part of my happier younger days and that's it. TODAY - wat makes me happy? - now that's impt.

relationships are different, but the concept can be similarly applied. the pple whom we loved and were with... most have changed. Our EXPECTATIONS and NEEDS - has changed. the girl whom i had given much time to when i was in school can no longer have that much time... i need to work, build career, get ready for aging parents, etc etc... we no longer have pocket money and can go around without a care in the world Anymore. that's reality.

does the bed or the bedsheet matter? that house is nothing more than a past possession... in may not even be a possession - just a mortgage owned by the bank/hdb. the reno was Your creativity put into reality, it's not yours to possess. the bedsheets, bed, appliances can be bought again - now cheaper in GSS, and will be improved. that top-of-the-line washing machine will have the lousiest functions in another 3yrs...

all are just objects of desire at those points which we realised. and we should be proud of achieving them... what remains True - is that when we set out to achieve our happiness - We Did It! and we can do it again!

who love who, who leave who, who did right and who did wrong... all these dun matter if u're not happy. some ladies chase Justice, chase truth, but they're NOT HAPPY after chasing them. some carry on chasing their entire lives...

u are Living, u can walk, take a bus, run, jog, rollerblade, run in the rain, and take a cab to takashimaya... u can travel overseas to japan, u can do SO MANY THINGS...

so why are u spending time sitting around thinking of something that doesn't matter nor make u happy?

Germaine, you are still here in this world... that's just such a wonderfully fantastically superbly magnificently Great!

can't u see it?

 

[germaine5155]

Powder, thank you for the long post. I really feel foolish for leaving in self denial for such a long time. I will save up this post and make sure i be reminded, and yes, i can see what u mean already. really many thanks.

 

[powder]

dun mention it, it's something we share as humans - a common bond in wanting to seek for a better happier life. i'm more than happy that u didn't take my post as harsh or negative... i hope u felt "it"... that feeling that i was trying to instill in u... it's something u may have forgotten as the first party... but dun think too much abt it, all of us do get lost from time to time...

 

[seckpin]

What Powder wrote put me into perspective too... as i am going through a very tough time now as well.

I do have one advice for Germaine though -- be very careful of rebound relationship. I do not know what is your relationship with your new bf now, but if you start a new relationship now when you still can't let go of the past, you can't really be sure if it is for real or just for a need for emotional dependency.

 

[auntymic]

same here.. i guessed this kind of things.. not matter how and wat many positive advices and suggestions and console words are simply useless. I do agree that don't look back and move on.. but then how many of us can really do that? No matter what we do, see, hear all memories will just flash across us. But then again, what happens after that? tears, sorrows and pain.. haiz.. ple always say takes time, time can heal? really so? if yes, then why are we still writing all these?

At the end of the day, is how much we wanna convience ourselves. Human are ironic i guessed, cant let go fully, yet wanna move on.. haiz..

 

[auntymic]

of coz i don mean that there isn't successful moving on cases.. there are. just that ple whom just encountered, just cant really let go bah. Maybe at this current stage at least. those whom had move on.. is a good thing, at least they still have faith in relationship.

good luck and jia you to all of us.

 

[simpleman]

We can definitely move on lah.. it takes time and a positive mind to want to move on..

What we have is only today and tomorrow.. the past can only be memories .. no point holding on to it

 

[auntymic]

hi simpleman,

yeah.. positive mind. however, it will only happens when another new spring came by and depending on oneself if wanna accept and welcome the spring bah..

I know I sound negative, and thats becoz i'm still holding onto a miracle to happen.. yet, another side of mind telling me is not going to happen. Ironic right? ermm.. takes time yes maybe. But current stage, time is useless bah..

To be positive and strong mind is what it takes. Unfortunately, I do not have that at this moment bah. Maybe I will sometime in future and looked back and laugh how silly I am.. but who knows what the future is right anyway?

 

[sgbabydoll]

"yeah.. positive mind. however, it will only happens when another new spring came by and depending on oneself if wanna accept and welcome the spring bah."

Never depend on another person to get you out of the rut you are in.

 

[simpleman]

ya i agree with doll. you don't need another spring to come to get out of your rut.

You need to move on on your own accord..

Time is only one aspect.. you have to be willing to let go and move on.. else even if you have time it is also useless..

 

[auntymic]

True enuff ple..

it may be cruel and selfish to be depending on another person to get out yah? Yup, I think better dont too. I wont want also to do this. 'Harming' the other party (if there's any) if one fine day to let the other party know that their presence is just to help one move on.. ouch!!

Bottom line, is up to oneself whom want to be continue living miserable or living happily with new life I guess.

 

[sgbabydoll]

No doubt it is more difficult to get yourself out of the rut in the beginning, and you may need a pull or push from family or friends to get going. As you move along you will start to feel better. There is really no white knight in shiny armour to sweep you off your feet and onto his white horse. Wait no more.

 

[auntymic]

beginning? no.. i've been draining myself for nearly a year plus. And have i really move on? maybe, not.. work, work and work is all i know now. Is silly i know to use work to make myself bz and occupied. but then there are some stage when i asked myself am i happy now? ans is no, coz i'm tired, very tired. but then i also asked myself, will i be happy if mircale happens? i dont know either. i guess.. µÃ²»µ½µÄ£¬ ÓÀÔ¶ÊÇ×îºÃµÄ°É¡£

friends and family yes is impt i agreed. but of coz, they wont wanna see the same old saddy look. close friends and family are there of coz. being encouraged to get to know more new friends maybe can help and i do hope as well. maybe this way, wider my circle of friends and also not to let my loves one worry and sad for me anymore as well. but again, it's all depending on oneself.

 

[miloice]

hi auntymic,

I do not believe we need to really try to avoid remembering. Moving on isn't about pretending for the sake of family and friends. Its really pointless. How long can u really pretend? Its a matter of time they will realize that you are not happy and still holding on.

Moving on involves the grieving and facing the realities. That reality that its over NO MATTER how you hope otherwise. In the same way you can never bring the dead back. Hoping for a miracle is hopeless. In a way, yes, advise can be totally fully. Because, these are nothing more than advises and references. You need to allow the healing process to really take place. Only you can make it happen. No excuses can change anything about this.

 

[auntymic]

hi Milo,

true.. i know where u, doll and sm areheading to. and this is what positive needs to believe as well.

how long am i going to pretend and convience myself? seriously i donnoe either.. like you guys said.. only myself can make it happen. maybe I have not been trying hard for the past 1yr plus, coz till now I am still trying.

Anyway, thanks again folks..

 

[miloice]

i meant "advise can be totally fully useless. Because, these are nothing more than advises and references."

 

[miloice]

auntymic,

u have to stop focusing on wanting to recover asap. Let the healing process take place naturally. Yes, its painful and long one. We will cry over it, there will be sleepless nights. Let that happen. What's important is allowing the 'release' be also a relieve from the pain in the long run. If it is leading u away from recovery then you need to change your approach / strategy.

 

[auntymic]

had just PM u milo..

 

[sgbabydoll]

Is it because you haven't been able to accept things as they are?

We cannot change our past. We cannot change the way people act. We cannot change the inevitable. But there is one thing we can definitely change - our mindset or attitude.

 

[auntymic]

yes doll.. u r right. I am just unable to accept and face the music yet bah..

 

[sgbabydoll]

Auntymic, we can only change what can be changed - our mindset or attitude. It's the hardest yet the easiest thing to do. What's happened is history. Today and tomorrow are up to us to shape it.

 

[simpleman]

auntymic,

take as much time as you need.. there is no fixed time schedule. But you have to be positive to want to move on.. and to lead a new life...

 

[shirleypoise]

yes, we definately do need time to move on, but dun waste too much time on it. Let your time be used more meaningfully then to dwell on unhappy thots. We are who we think we are. Having the mindset to move on is the 1st step u have to take. Be strong.

 

[sgbabydoll]

"Every sixty seconds we spend being upset is one minute of happiness you will never get back."

This quote never fails to remind me to keep a positive outlook regardless of the situation. By the way, who hasn't had his/her heart broken before, and who hasn't broken a heart before? It is not what's happened (heartbreak is definitely not something unique to any of us) but how we interpret the event or situation would determine how we feel. It's painful undoubtedly but it spells the beginning of a new chapter that's waiting for us to ink something new and exciting in. And fortunately, we are free to take a leaf out of it or any lesson life offers us.

 

[toyisme]

just take the pain in ease. treat it as a very positive way.

lucky that you divorce so you are free from any obligation and become a free spirit that no one in this world will tell you what to do and to think.

 

[averyverylongusername]

everything is easier said than done. but it is really that easy when you think with your head and not your heart. that was what i thought afew minutes ago.

but then again, its not easy ... this is what i would drift to think afew minutes later ...

sigh ... its really tough
it makes it much harder when one has not that many friends to hang out with ...

how do u girls/guys do it?

i'm gg crazy already

 

[toyisme]

most girls : shopping because they forget things and happy with new stuff.

most man : playing games, hang around the bar, get the girls in bed, because they are the predator.

 

[averyverylongusername]

to blackburn,

lol, i wish i was a man =(( it looks easier sigh

shopping .. yes i'm doing that but i wonder how long can my money last me ... i just spent GBP 500 impulsively and i'm already regretting !!!

 

[auntymic]

get the girls in bed? how come men can be so easy just have the girls in bed w/o feelings? that's what i thought previously.

And now, my thoughts are.. men always thinks too much, coz they have 2 heads, women likes to talk and complain alot, coz they have 2 mouths!

 

[shirleypoise]

Does it make you very happy wallowing in the misery? Does it justify that you are suffering at someone else's expense?

If you do not think with your head at such situations, you will never get out from it and move on cuz your heart is telling you to give him another chance.

We all have friends; just whether we r close to them or not, whether we WANT to be close to them or not. Make it a point to be friendly to everyone around you, thats the fastest way to gain friends. If not, let your friends know that you want to know more pple and get them to intro new friends to you. Join activities.

Learn to do things by yourself too. We dun hv to depend on others all the time.

 

[shirleypoise]

Black burn,
No doubt most pple like to shop, but we also know that material happiness can never replace the emotional hurt that we suffer.

Besides, unless you or your dad prints money, otherwise how long can this shopping lifestyle last...