Need advice for 提亲 with future in laws

[Joel1983]

Hi all,

I hope I can get some advice who has gone thru discussion with in laws. My parents and i recently had a discussion with my future in laws regarding the bridal price and 过大礼.. My future in laws are requesting male side to bear the cost for everything.. This includes 四点金, bridal price of 4.8k, all the wedding banquet tables, 2 bottle of xo and other things. Originally, they also wanted us to give her mum ang pow of 20k. My gf brother in law was quick to say we give 200 will do instead.

On the day of marriage, her custom is she will bring 2 bottle of wine and chicken and sugarcane during 出嫁. I did ask my gf and she say the 2 bottle of wine have to be either xo or martell.. My gf get upset when I try to ask more to understand, she feels it is tradition for male side to bear the cost of everything. She say all her sisters who got married also need their husband to do the same.
My parents are also thinking is my future in laws selling their daughter or really wan her to marry...

My gf family is 新化人... I read from the other forum post that only teochew family tradition will need 四点金.
I am from hokkien family and I have no siblings. So a lot of things my family and I are not sure... My aunt tell my mum whatever the female side request, we try to give them. But i am feeling confused, would really need some advice.

 

[xhenrietta]

四点金 - Now a days , it is given with or without request from in-law. I got mine without asking.
2 bottles of Martell - is given to bride's family in exchange for 2 bottles of orange juice. My dad even kidding said he want "cordon bleu martell"
Bridal price - looks fine to me, but bride's family have to return part of it. (e.g. bao $5.8k , then bride's family return $1k)
Banquet tables - as a groom, you need to give tables to bride's family and they are the one who keeps the angbao. For my case is 4 tables ~

I think it is normal for groom and his family to pay everything for the wedding (banquet,betrothal day) but if your fiance is understanding she could have help you. I did help my fiance by chipping in banquet and other misc such as (wedding rings,bridal package) ...

 

[KristineWee]

For my case. I'm paying the tables on my own and the hongbao will be used to pay for it. I'm a bride

 

[Hopefulbride2016]

It is a tradition for males to bear everything when the females are huang hua gui nü or poor. If neither then i dont see why males shld bear all. Talking abt tradition, si dian jin is only applicable for teochew. Since now traditions all 'rojak' so everything shld be flexible. If ur gf doesn't understand i feel the pain for u. I will share the burden with my htb as both of us earn around the same income. Just discuss openly abt ur finances to ur in laws and ur fiancee. If money is a big issue between 2 families it will be an issue after married. I do hear of couple divorced just one day after married.. Thats sad. U wont want that to happen to u. Be open and discuss with them. Jia you!!

 

[octobride]

Angbao of 20k?? Madness.

 

[minipork]

i think its ridiculous... so you have to bear all the banquet tables, give ang pow 20K and still give 5.8K before get married? sounds a bit too much

 

[pandame]

Yes traditionally like 50 years ago. Normally the guy's family will try to give whatever the bride side request if it's not too hard to provide.

BUT! Nowadays the angbao box $ pays for the banquet and the guy just top up if got short fall is the norm.

Now Most mothers will not ask for bride's price or will only request a token amount, they just take whatever the guy side offer n return half what was offered (not selling daughter or my mom put it not selling pig ). It's only for formalities to follow "traditions". All gold requested are also for formalities. Actually the bride side should provide a lot of gold as dowry (bride is to show her mother-in-law that she didn't arrive empty handed) 30+ years ago it include the newly wed's room electronics and furniture and everything that is required to start a new life with eg towel, toothbrush, new clothes for the groom. Maybe u should ask for these since the bride side wan it all very traditionally done.

Modern Marriages are a union of 2 educated n income earning individuals. These traditionals are for old times when the family really have to give up / away their daughter that do all the housework n look after the family and likely that daughter will not b able to visit her 娘家 often (if she is lucky only once a year).

Long story short, ya agree with ur parents, seems like selling daughter.