My heart has shattered into a million pieces

heartpain,

A whole new world will open up to you when you go overseas. Your perspectives might change and the right decision may then become clear to you.

I struggled with the feeling of being my soon to be ex husband's "convenient" choice when I was in Singapore. For 5 years, I worked hard to please him and be the sort of person he wanted me to be. I put aside my identity and lost myself.

Overseas on my own, I found myself and my true self emerged. People remarked I looked far younger and happier than I had ever been. That's when I realised I had lost myself all these years.

I have started on the divorce process. He has also found someone new that he now claims is the love of his life, his soulmate and everything he wanted in his life.

If I hadn't gone overseas, I may not have found the courage to live true to myself. No point holding on to a loveless marriage.
 


Hi heartpain,

great to hear that!
I'm sure you'll know what is best for you after the trip
happy.gif


All the best!!!
 
Hi all

Just want to update that I am stil trying to cope with all my emotions...

While I am happy with the posting, it is the first time I am relocating to another country. I can't help but worry abt being alone in a foreign country, with no close friends and family to support me should I feel vv down again....

I guess I will just come back to this forum..at least there is an outlet for me to share.

My husband recently brought up the divorce again. He now wants to talk to lawyers and sign papers before I leave overseas....
 
Hi,

Glad you are trying to cope. Well in a foreign country, meet new people make new friends and start afresh. You will make it, no worries. Its about taking the first step. The first step is always the hardest....

You will always have this forum as an outlet. Cheerios!
 
hi heartpain,

Yes i will be here.

SURVIVORS also need "shoulders" to lie and for cry onto!

Take WHATEVER your hubby is able to give U as ur compensation financially.

With the right money on hand, u'll be able to move on better at WHICHever place u have choosen finally to be in.
 
Hi heartpain,

Yes, drop by on this forum anytime.

I can understand your feelings about going overseas. Take care.

You can PM me if you wish to chat.
 
The saddness and most heartpain is WHEN our be love ones leave...

AND we have "no control" over the situation BUT just to LET GO......

i know it's NEVER "easy" ...there is also no choice but to LOOK FORWARD

That's what our pair of eye are for!!!
"To look forward / in front"
DON"T look back
 
Hi all

There is some "miracle". I had long chats with my husband and he has soften his stance on the divorce (for now). I also understand his reasons for asking for a divorce.

I am going to give this marriage one last try. Therefore, I have deferred my posting. Hopefully, he will want to continue to work on the marriage with me.

If things still dont work out well by end of this year, at least I know I have tried and in this life, I will not have regrets. At least now I have a definite timeline to work towards. It either work or dont work.

Pls wish me luck and feel free to offer me advice on how to create love in my marriage ..!!
 
Dear Heartpain,

Good to know you are giving your marriage for a try! Please go and get the Fireproof Movie dvd and the love dare book.

Watch the Fireproof movie with your husband and experience the miracles of how your marriage can be saved.
 
Hi heartpain.

All the Best!!! Try it with all your heart and may you and your HB will find a way to re-establish the r/s and make it stronger again!!! Really happy to see the note. Jiayou!! As what you mentioned, even if it failed.. you have tried your best and no regrets
happy.gif
 
Dear all

Thanks for your well wishes.

Its less than a month since I said there is some hope...=p

I realised that I have chosen a very tough road ...to continue to make sacrifices and love for someone who dont reciprocate and cherish me...

Now and then, he sill said words like "I am stuck with you"...and "I can't go out and date other women" to me.....it hurts me when he talked to me like that...

I dont know how long I can last and keep trying to love someone unconditionally, when he either doesnt love you at all or feel very little for you...

I really dont know why I still hang on...SIGH
 
Heartpain,

I dunno if it applies to you but it applies to my marriage.

My 2 yrs plus of marriage, my hubby is always the one calling the shots for everything. And whenever we have problems, he would say Divorce and asked me to leave. I moved back to my mum's place dunno how many times liao. He happy he asked me to come back, not happy, he said he needs his freedom. I was very demoralised. 1 yr ago, I gave birth to his baby, he wanted it but I didnt wanted cos I was very afraid of being tied down. He would quarrel with me and accuse me of adultery until eventually, I gave in and so happened tt month, I had late ovulation and got pregnant. Things went well throughout and recently, I found out about his betrayal and he threatened divorce. I was very upset cos he was the one in e wrong and yet he still so demanding. I had a good cry for many days until one of his friend's word shoke me up. He asked me how can I be a better person. I began to reflect on the plans I used to shelf behind for him. And making plans to fulfill them. Now I am more excited in my divorce more than staying in this unhappy marriage. I think Guys having the ego in them, he saw how determined I was in filing for divorce, and I had been bugging him to get the paper ready everyday and now he was e one who didn't wanted the divorce and trying all ways n means to make me stay. Using our baby as bait but it didn't work on me anymore.

I guess u have to show ur hubby that life will be more happy without him and make him reconsider his options. It's a one time gamble. Either u lose it or u win it. For my case, I won but I am no longer interested. I wish u good luck in salvaging ur marriage.
 
Thanks Ethel

It is so good that you found the encourage to move on and you are now a happier person.

I wish I can be more decisive. My problem is that my husband has very bad mood swings. When he is in good mood, everything is peaceful and he treats me well. When he is in bad mood, he start saying all the hurtful things to me...

I dont know whether it boils down to his personality or he has no feelings for me anymore......now, he said he has a lady friend who he can confide in...is understanding etc etc...and he shares his problems with her.

I am very sad but I also feel maybe if things come to a bad stage eg. he has affair....it is easier for me. Cos I know I definitely will not stay in a marriage with someone who is unfaithful to me. I have tried my best and I will have no regrets with leaving him...
 
Heartpain,
Well, I had suffered for 2 over yrs of abuse and verbal abuse. As wat the olden ppl say. Wat doesn't kill u makes u stronger. Perhaps is the repetition of him hurting me that now I found the courage to harden my heart and wanted to pack and leave. Urgh, imagine this morning he even tried to have sex with him before he goes to work! Claiming tt he will work at everything to make things work. I told him coldly, we have been through this many times already. It doesn't work. The day u see me treating this marriage more seriously, you will be back to your old self. He ensured not, but trust me, a leopard rarely changes its spots.

My hubby also had alot of mood swings and he even had a history of depression with violence intentions. I see this as an additonal point tt I wanted to make my exit now. U can do it too...

Have u tried hardening ur heart towards him? Tell him tt since he thinks the other female friend is a better person he can confide in, then he don't need u as a wife anymore. Tell him don't be selfish to waste ur youth and hold u back. That was Wat I told him also.

U can see his behavior as betrayal and tt would be easier. U know u have tried, and it doesn't work out, u deserve better.

Share with u. We are now attending counselling. The first session he was so determined in divorce and I totally broke down. I went home to cry and his friend talked to me. I told him wat happened and his words made me feel better.

The next day after I made my decision to go ahead with the divorce and asked him how much is he planning to give me for alimony, he told me he wanted to try again for the baby sake. I told him, I dun wanna try becos of the baby. I dun want to be used by him anymore. So I stayed at my mum's place for 2 wks. Only moved back to this house cos I cannot stand my mum's nagging. But I am still cold towards him.

The second session of counselling, it was the counsellor telling me not to divorce and give it another try. I told her I'll see how. I guess my reply made my hubby felt helpless this time.

I guess u need to harden ur heart this time round. Humans are weak. Wat seems easy is always nothing cherishable. Wat is often lost is always the most precious.
 
Hi all

I am back. Things are not looking good and my husband still not given up on divorce. He has been talking about it

I guess I really have to plan and move on. I have to accept that my marriage is hopeless.
 
Hi

He is not with the woman whom he shared his problems with. He said that he only treated her as a listening ear and he has no special feelings for her. I am very confident that he is saying the truth. There is no 3rd party in our relationship..at least not now.
 
heartpain, I'm glad that you have the confidence in your hb. But do remember, there's always this chance of physical involvement behind this listening ear. Will you bear to live the rest of your life with this question mark?
 
Hi Heartpain,

Hope you don't feel "stuck" at this juncture. Hope your posting is still valid. Then just move on your life.

I guess your hubby has wanted to give it a try too but couldn't work out. Would be good if you could continue your journey from where you have stopped. Hope the best for you
happy.gif
 
Heartpain,

My wife and myself have been fighting hard against divorce for nearly 5 years. I broke her heart during the first 3 years and truly changed during the 2 years. But she still keep looking back. She said i have not changed. But it is her who keeps looking back towards the past.

We tried many times. Left house, return and back to norm. This has repeated numerous times till last time, she sms - "my heart is dead. my love for you is gone" I cried for days and upon this sms, i cried nonstop. i given everything within my means to her. My time, my love my everything.

Till now, i cried till eye swollen. Till now, i see no light but darkness. Esp night time, its totally crying. I feel so so sad everyone !!! I really really LOVE her !!!
 
Hi VerySadMan

I think I can understand the pain because I am going thru the same thing as you.

I really love my husband but to love him, is not to hold him. He already made up his mind...the life and dreams he want to pursue are on a different track from mine.

He also made clear that even if I change for him, it will not help. He is decided. When someone's feelings for you are gone, it is just gone....

I cried alot in the past year, until I am just tired now. It will come to pass and you will get stronger by the day....as the hope of reconciliation diminishes by the day, you will force yourself to face reality and start to plan.

We have started to take small steps towards the divorce.

Both of us have no choice but to be strong. I hope you have friends to give you the emotional support. My friends have helped me by being my listening ear.
 
even when i changed, she just refused to accept that i have indeed changed for her and for our family.

why is that she can be strong once the feeling is gone? we have been together for almost 13 yrs and that meant nothing to her? my friends are behind me but that not wat im looking for. im looking for her to change her mind. i refused to give up. that wat made me cry every night. every moments our songs appears, i cry. the tears just duo stop flowing... my heart aches so much...
 
Hi SadMan

I have also been with my husband for as long as you have been together with your wife.

When ppl made up their mind and their feelings are gone, I dont think they want to let the past tie them down.

Is your wife agreeable to counselling? In my case, my husband refuse. He said there is no reason why a stranger could possibly solve our differences when we could not do so ourselves.

You can keep trying, but must set a definite timeline. It is really wasting of precious time/life to hold 2 persons together if not both are willing and committed.

Do you have children? If so, then I can understand the complications.
 
we went counselling when living with MIL. she gave up after just 2 sessions indicating a waste of time. she doesnt trust ppl easily.

we have patched back numerous times aft each quarrel. she reckon that i was the one who started everytime. to me, i wanted to save our marriage and avoid quarrels, i always accept that it my fault. prehaps i gave in too much...

children? i loved children alot but not her. eventually she agreed. but before it happened, it ended now...

i know its pointless and meaningless in my marriage. my friends told me clearly that our future is very dim. but we are together for 13 long years. i just cant believe it can be gone just by saying MY HEART IS DEAD...
 
Hi SadMan

Face it, accept it and move on...

I suggest you read a very good book which I found at Borders. The title of the book is "Too Bad to Stay, Too Good to leave"

It gives some insights for those facing relationship problems.

I don't think it is a good reason to stay in a relationship because of the past. (Our spouse will not buy that point! If they recognise that, they will not ask for divorce!)

We cannot relive the past. We only have the future. Only if we can work out and agree on a future with our spouse (and they are happy and willing to work together), then there is point in continuing.

What future does your wife want? Is it truely same as yours? You must be honest with yourself. Keep giving in is really useless. First, our spouse can tell that it is not genuine. The connection is "faked".

Second, we will be very unhappy with our lives as we are living for others. No self-respect for our needs and wants!
 
Hi VerySadMan,

...can understand that it will be a very difficult path for you to move on and also let go. 13 years is very long....

But if your wife insisted on divorce and there's no more turning back, probably you would need to look forward. Possible to try to live your life for yourself and not for the sake of anyone? Treasure yourself and appreciate yourself. You may have "lost" your true self in the process of trying your best to change for your wife.

Hope you can look forward and beyond...
 
whether it is 3 years or 13 years.. does it make any difference. We are all devastated still the same.

You can be depressed .. but it will not change anything. Yes, grief if you need.. but you still need to walk out of this dark tunnel.

I have been there, done that.
 
sm -
thanks for the encouragement. from your previous post, you seem to be a happy-go-lucky person. perhaps we can meet up someday for kopi session. btw, pls read my recent post as i decided to look ahead. its very difficult but with all encouragements & supports from you ppl, i will try everyday. GAN BA TEH !!!

Mdm -
Yes Mdm !!! Xie Xie Ni
 
verysadman,

No.. I am not at all a happy go lucky person. But then at the end of the day, we can choose to be happy or sad. It is definitely better for us and the people who love us for us to be happy rather than sad.
 
Hi all

An update. I have moved back to my parents place. It is the first time I shared with my mum on what has happened to my marriage. I finally can let out all the unhappiness I have suffered these several months and the pain of dealing with a husband who just wants out.

The future is a big unknown for me now. Wish me all the best.
 
Hi Janey

No, I dont believe "I" can save my marriage. It takes 2 persons to agree to work on it.

I really dont want to have hope and longing at this point in time. I can't take it. Been hanging on to hope for almost 1 year...
 
It is important for us to get on with our lives.. if there is a certain purpose in our current lives, we would be ok.

As to hope, you can have hopes.. but don't pin too much on it.. whatever will be will be.. Just like toto, you can dream or hope to strike... but you won't be too sad if you do not strike..
 
yes, i need to find a purpose in my life.

My husband was my everything, my meaning and my joy

Need to find something to replace him so I can move on
 
memories03, don't have to be shaken.

Marriage is still one of the most beautiful thing that can happen to us. The union of two unrelated people - to love and to live together.

Even if the marriage may not last forever, we don't have to be shaken. We just need to make the most out of it.

I am already divorced (glad to say this now) but I NEVER regretted my marriage. If I can do it all over again, I would still marry my ex-wife.
 
yes, u should start a new life, leaving him out of all future plan.

Yes, everyone needs a companion, but it's not necessary to be a bf/husband.

U can maybe spend your times with friends or parent, to lead a fulfill life.
 
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