My heart has shattered into a million pieces

Heartpain,

Learn to love yourself first. You are not giving yourself a chance to experience life. You must be happy first before you can give happiness to others.

Life is really like a box of chocolate - some days sweet some days bitter.
How you live your day depends on what you believe in. If you choose to be happy and nothing else matter. No hurtful things from your husband will affect how you live your life. If you choose to be sad and takes into heart on everything your husband says. You will live your life miserably.

What kind of life style? Your choice.

Life is short, live life to the fullest.

Take care
 


Dear Heartpain,

I believe pride is getting into your husband's head and the temptation around him could be the reason for divorce.

I believe you still love him, otherwise you wouldn't be coming to this forum to look for solutions. I believe your marriage can be saved if you want to.

Show love to your husband by being patience and kind, this can literally change him and make him love you more. You can do this by trying the 40 days love dare challenge. PM me for more info.


Support Group To Save Marriage - PM me for info
 
hi heartpain,

I'm sorry that you are going thru a difficult time. I can't help but notice a few similarities in your situation & mine.

I've also been married 3 yrs with no kids. Hubby is doing well, not from a well-to-do family but his income gets us by comfortably. Suddenly out of the blue, he tells me he is considering ending our marriage.

At least your husband tells you many things as to why he wants a divorce. Mine just said we made a rash decision to get married, that he has lost his feelings for me, we have different goals & that he doesn't like marriage life at all.

I found intimate SMSes in his phone to/from a 3rd party but yet to this day he still denies he's having an affair & the gal is only his fren.

The differences in our situation is that i've not been working since i married him. And also I was diagnosed with cancer 1 yr into our marriage and I'm still recovering from treatment. He told me the reason for leaving is not becoz i had cancer. He just refused to talk to me and i've now returned to my parents home in a foreign country.

I wanna know, have you sought legal advice for your case?
 
hi heartpain, i'm new at this thing. i don't know how to do it. can u teach me how to? I tried to pm u but u don't accept pm either.
 
reading heartpain's 1st post on top..the way u describe ur husb & urself... quite similar to our situation, just that im not 'there' yet...

why ur husb & my husb is similar type....
 
dunno y i cant help to think after seeing so many incidences, its like when men starts to get rich in the pocket, they juz cant help to stray.. Of cuz im not talking abt all men, but its like alot of cases abt affair its becuz the men got too much money in their pocket...
 
Hi all

I am back again. I am too weak..we still have not taken any action but just drag on day by day...I really dont want to end the marriage

But he is saying again that he wants to leave me..

I feel very sad and hurt. And there is nothing I can do.
 
I think u have to face up to reality now.

He does not intend to continue with u so why cling on to him?

Yes, there is something which u CAN do, that is, be strong, make up ur mind and leave him. U will be happier after that. Time will heal all wounds.
 
Some things are easier say than done.
When one is in a comfort zone. Its hard to jolt the person out. It takes courage and strong belief to change and to not look back and hang on. But this is only possible when one decides to walk on. No one can make the decision and help until the person decides to do what needs to be done and do it with conviction....
 
Hi heartpain,

Probably you would need to find the answer yourself...if you feet it's bearable to continue this kind of relationship then stay on. But now it seems that it's your husband who wants out.

You can continue to drag days and days having this kind of unknown relationship but ultimately, I think the person who gets hurt is yourself.

Hope you can brace up and move on. It's a blessing that you don't have any kids yet
happy.gif
 
Heartpain,

It is something that you cant accept but you have to face it. I believed you have spoken with your hubby before. If he insisted want to divorce, there isnt much you can do.

If you still want him to be with you, maybe you can try to seek from your PIL. Since you have mentioned that "He married me out of obligations and to please his parents."
You must remember when you decide to do on this way, you can only keep him by your side but not his heart. In the end you will be still suffering.

Another way, you try to treat him cold. See whether he got any reaction. Sometime.. he might really take you for granted.
 
Dear heartpain,

I realise that you mentioned "you were hurt during childhood before and also a reserved person"

If you still hate the person who hurt you during childhood, then you need to seek a counsellor to help you resolve this issue. I have seen many people who were hurt during childhood to continue carrying this burden/hatred throughout their lives and get into a lot of relationship problems which they don't even understand why.

If you have hatred in you, this is the first thing you must resolve before doing anything else. Hatred is like a poison that will affect your actions which you cannot control.

I have known my wife for about 10 years before getting married and she's my first girlfriend and we have a 4 month old baby girl.

We have our fair share of marriage problems and it really takes a lot of effort to maintain it. Rather than feeling hurt by what your husband says, I think you need to take control of your marriage life.

If you really want to win him back, you need to do something that will attract him back to you and this is highly possible. Many marriages are saved in USA by watching the Fireproof movie and doing the 40 days Love Dare challenge.

You can find out more at http://www.fireproofthemovie.com/ and http://thelovedarebook.com/ You can buy the Love Dare book from borders. I'm currently in the Day 37 for the challenge and I must say it has strengthen my marriage.

Feel free to PM me if you have any questions.

God Bless!!
 
Hi heartpain

I guess i was in the similar position like urs almost a year and a half ago. During that period, I was as loss as you were and wonder why is this happening to me? What did i done wrong? What could I have done to make it better? I thought time can heal the pain and the "loved one" will see it.

No one can help you to move yourself out of this situation except for yourself now..

For me.. i started on keeping a Journal for myself. Whenever i feel lost and helpless.. i started writing down how i really felt.. and I told myself that i have to give myself a timeline as I realise he is not going to make the decision. and he is just "dragging on" to see if I can hold on.. and it is gng to hurt both of us immensely. I loved him and I do not want to start to hate him.

Instead of a world of two person trying to be be "happy" or act happy in front of each other, why not give this two persons a chance to find another one that could then have then be "4 truly happy persons in the world"

That finally convince me to let go :"(

As outsiders to this r/s, we can only give our views, but in the end.. you have to decide what you really want.

Marriage is never simple.. we have to work hard on it. .(key word is WE here.. not one ) I fought to keep the marriage alive.. but still failed.. as it takes two to clap to keep it alive. I do sincerely hope that you and your husband can really go thru this "test" together and come out of it "stronger"

But if u have to take the route of letting go.. always remember..

"Sometimes you have to let go of what you can't live without.
Sometimes it's never to late to become what you might have been."

"Some think it's holding on that makes one strong; sometimes it's letting go. -- Sylvia Robinson"

Yes, it is easier said than done. And it took courage.. but time can heal the pain.

Trust me.. I am still healing.. but at least i choose to move on with life for my family and frens who love me for who i am and for myself.
 
When people decided to move on ahead.

Their heart ALREDAY left long ago. To pursue what they wanted...

No matter how much you cry of feel heartache...
he will " no longer " pity or feel for you.

Look for the door to EXIT...

Since he want to leave,
I let go

He feel happier to leave
I let go

To leave is happier
WE LET GO
 
Movingonlife

Thank you for your post. It gives me some encouragement. I really want to let go and move on as I hate the pain and hurt I am going thru.

Pls do share with me how you cope with the journey of recovery. I hope I will not turn weak and cry again. I have been crying till my eyes are swollen.
 
Hi heartpain

Glad that it gave you some encouragement.. during my ordeal then.. i tell myself.. if i get well ..I shall share with other ppple on how i piece my life back together.

Recognizing is a good start. . would you want yourself to be in such a stage in the 3months down the road. 6 months etc etc?

I mean for myself.. i always like to set myself a "griefing" peiod.. my closest siblings knock some sense to me when she went "dear.. if you gonna still be so down and out for the next few months..thou we would like very much to support you but all of us are still human. there may come a point we will take that you are just "settled" in this "victim" role.. "all of us have to care for you" mentality that we will start ignoring you as you are not helping yourself. I hope that you can snapped out of this "corner" that you are forcing yourself into. Is this really who you wanna be?"

Surrounding yourself with frens/relatives who are willing to listen to you help greatly too..

Thruout my ordeal, I learn one important thing. sometime advice will only be heeded and taken seriously when you yourself are ready to listen and work on it... By collecting advices that you are not ready for may cause some info overload... take a step at one time. realise where you are at this stage.. and seek advices for that area
happy.gif


So when u type "really want to let go", instead of thinking ...just write down/scribble things that why you wanna let go in your journal. While you are writing, thots will flow.. and some stuff may come out without u knowing and this may be ur "trigger point" that give u strength to move on..

Tears will stop one day ..my dear.. is it worth all the tears when he does not care..
 
heartpain, u must tell yourself everyday that " it is really not worth your tears" for a man that simply dun care anymore . There is a whole world out there for you to discover beside relationship in life

not everybody in this world will go through the smooth normal phrase in life
born, schooling, working, dating, married, have kids, grow old, retired, die one day

If theres unfortunate setbacks in betweem .
u tell yourself you have really loved before then thats the most precious memory that will follow you through your life and cherish them .

if you dun suffer any setbacks, life too smooth, you will never cherish true happinness when it comes cos you will take it for granted that " its the way it is"
 
heartpain, for my take - i would advice you to cry it out...it's an emotional express.

I still cry, even after 2 1/2 years seperated with my hubby, AND i know i will still love him BUT it is in my heart only!!!

I choose to let go because I love him,
I want him to be happy

It's the most hurtful TRUTH to know the one that you love are not happy when he is with you!!!

BUT from a 24 hours...(i pin for him even in my dream then) till 16 hours...till 8 hours...till 4 hours...till 1 hour...till just in mins... in seconds...till

Every tear you drop, less out your love for him and trust me, love really will fade off SLOWLY though time

I will not go to beg for reconciliation anymore BUT just move on with my life now

THAT is very important, TO be able TO MOVE ON...
 
BTW I find READING help as well...

GET the right book, and as you read

You will find it's like SOMEONE with the right knowledge is talking to you, giving you the right direction, and you have to listen and get the right MESSAGE.

IT'S SELF HELF
 
Hi Miko,
"When people decided to move on ahead.

Their heart ALREDAY left long ago. To pursue what they wanted...

No matter how much you cry of feel heartache...
he will " no longer " pity or feel for you.

Look for the door to EXIT...

Since he want to leave,
I let go

He feel happier to leave
I let go

To leave is happier
WE LET GO"

Thanks for those words, it is a great encouragement. I am letting go, slowly but surely. It's difficult but I believe time will heal things.

Hi movingonlife,
I do agree with you that surrounding urself with frens & family really helps a lot. And I've started writing a blog to pent my grievances
happy.gif


Heartpain,
pls do not lose heart. Write me again if u need to. Take care.
 
I believe everyone including you and me are having problems daily, either we are getting into it, already in it or getting out of it.

The thing is how do we react and handle each problem that come to us.

Despite our educational system being world class, so many foreigners came here to learn and study, but .... sadly our school does not teach ask how to handle problems, especially relationship problems.

If you think that the best marriages in the world is those without problems, that the spouse can naturally understand each other, then you are so wrong.

In fact, marriages that last and spouses loving each other till their death are those that went through severe test that you and I can't imagine.

Instead of suffering the pain yourself in silence, talk to couples who have survived the test and ask for advices.

With your own strength, you can only do much, but if you seek the
right wisdom, miracles could happen.

At the end of the day, even if the marriage does not work out, you are in a better position to continue life as normal.



blessings,
Jesaiah

"With God, All Things Are Possible"
- Matthew 19:26
 
Hi CShell,

I'm sorry you have to go through tough situations in your marriage but what if your husband comes back to you one day and say he is sorry and love you even more than before?

What advice will you then give to others who is going through tough situations in marriage similar to yours?

Have you spoken to couples who went through similar situations as yours but survived the test?


blessings,
Jesaiah

"With God, All Things Are Possible"
- Matthew 19:26
 
How many of us really understand the real meaning of the marriage vow that we said?

The marriage vow:

"To Bride:

Will you, _________________ take this man _________________ to be your wedded husband, to live together in the legal estate of matrimony? Will you LOVE him, comfort him, honour and keep him in sickness and in health and forsaking all others, be faithful to him, so long as you both shall live?"

The LOVE in the marriage vow refers to unconditional love. It means even when your spouse rejects your love, you will still continue to love him no matter what happens.

Of course, doing this by your own strength, you will fail miserably. You need to search for the strength to love your spouse unconditionally. You can find this strength from the fireproof movie and the love dare challenge.

With the new found strength, even if your marriage broke up, there wouldn't be hurt or pain and you can carry on life without hatred.

blessings,
Jesaiah

"With God, All Things Are Possible"
- Matthew 19:26
 
Hi Thomas,

The decision to divorce in my case has all been a one-man show. He simply wants out. I want to make things work, and even see a marriage counsellor but he's not willing to talk to me. I do not want to beg him for his love. If he doesn't love me for who I am, I believe i am better off alone. As for him coming back to me, it's unlikely as he has found someone else.

I would advise couples going thru marital problems to give a last shot to make the marriage work, try rekindle the love that brought them together in the 1st place. Even if they hv tried but still end with a divorce, at least there will be no regrets, no buts, no ifs. However, if only one party is willing but the other is determined to get out, how to save a marriage?

Yes, I believe there are couples who come out strong after a crisis but like I said it takes 2 (willing) hands to clap.

I agree with you marriage vows are not to be taken lightly. I am upset that my other half has not only broken the marriage vow of fidelity but he also chose to leave me when i'm recovering from cancer. It is difficult to love when ur love is not reciprocated. It's not that i've stopped loving him, dat's wat hurts most. I'm looking fwd to a new life with him after recovering but he doesn't love me anymore. I am slowly letting go, hopefully my pain will lesson and i can seek happiness again.
 
Thanks everyone.

I am indeeed surprised to learn that I am not alone in going thru this. Some of you also faced the same as me and are picking up your courage to move on.

My heart goes esp to CSHell...I hope your health recovers and you find peace and happiness really soon..

As a start, I am going to try counselling alone. I know my husband will not go, but I just wanted to have an independent 3rd party perspective on what have gone wrong and hopefully, I can learn from it and have some closure as well. (I also want to resolve and close the episode that happened in my childhood.)

Now, going home and facing him is a lot of pain. I tried to work late, wander around after work, have dinner alone, just so to avoid him.

In my heart, I know I really want to carry on with the marriage cos I love him, but my head questions whether both of us will have true happiness and love if we carry on. I will be living my life like I am sitting on a swing with a time bomb.

It is a constant struggle betw my head and my heart...a lot of pain. I have never experienced pain to such extent.

But I will remind myself to be strong.
 
I always go to Kinokuniya, they hv a lot of self help books there...depending on your concern.

There's an author who wrote many books on
" How to be happpy "...And his books occured a few section in Kino.

I just brought - The secret of Letting go by Guy Finley - BUT i hv not start reading...u may find it in Kino too

There's this author LOUISE L. HAY - i HOPE to recommend to CSHELL on her story.

She had a Very painful childhoon! BUT finally found True love and got married to a refined english man - BUT after 14th years of happy marriage, the husband announced to remarry...

She said to herself - good things never last long in her hand!!!

She left...and went to work actively in a chruch BUT was soon dignosed with cancer!!!

BUT she recovered and was heal.

she has many many books, CDs, etc under her writing.

1) You can heal your life
2) You can heal your body

are 2 i have read...

CShell, I hope it might be of helf to you, U can try reading them

" If we are willing to do the mental work, almost anything can be healed."

- Louise L.Hay
 
heartpain/cshell,
every break up is painful irregardless how long is the relationship..with time, you'll find courage, awakening and peace to do what your heart tells you to do even if it means letting go, etc..sincerely hope you'll find happiness one day... jia you!
 
I was with my cilent Yesterday...she share her story with me.

Having a happy family, I ask her WHY did she stop at 1 kid?
she told me she nearly die while giving birth to her gal then...hubby was in the labour ward and wittness everythings with her Together

After they spend 18 years, happily and lovgingly bringing the gal up Together

Suddenly i think of heartpain - U

I m wondering do you have any most down and saddness period you went though with your hubby before? Try to remind him constantly ...how greatful and touching it was at that time, U have him there...since you are still with him now

Use all your attention & effort on him and practise unconditional love

So far what i heard is your hubby keep saying he want to leave, BUT he has no done any action yet???

Like moving out or gg to the lawyer...and you guys have no 3rd party involoved!?

I hope your marriage can be save...

You give him your best shot now and You will have no regrets later on.

Put down all your pride and stop comparing WHO do more ...JUST have 1 motive in mind -
To save your marriage

Be strong
 
Thanks Miko, for keeping me in mind : )

I can't think of any most down and sad moments that I shared with him...Our lives have been quite smooth sailing...

But he mentioned to me before that during his most difficult times (i.e struggling with his career), he didnt "feel" my support.

He keep saying he wants to leave, but have not taken any action. There is also no 3rd party involved.

His reasons for divorce are that we have too different personalities, different goals in life. He also say incompatibility of our family backgrounds is a problem to him etc etc..He is very sure what he wants in his life partner, what kind of person will make him happy and it is not me! I am not that kind of person...

I cannot change my family background to suit his preference for a "princess" that is refined, well-mannered and brought up in a well-to-do family...(he made me feel like shit ...I am v defensive abt my family. Yes, they are not rich and perfect but they are my family. Why should I stick to a husband who cannot even accept them? Mind you, my family did not even made any things difficult from him. They are just not friendly ppl and by nature, more reserved. But def, they never ever did anything bad to my husband. We have no such problems like the other threads here abt MIL, SIL, BIL etc)

sigh..he is just seeking perfections...

I am emotionally drained...I am not sure if I have strength to still give it a try when he has already made it so clear to me..

I fear rejections again...and I must have some pride and dignity..
 
haiz...

In such case...I really can't say much

I would just share my plight with you
and you decide for yourself WHAT you want to do or simply don't do anything next

Ur case and mine have some similiaties
We also have no 3rd party BUT he keep telling me he is unhappy in the marriage

In the end i move back to my parents place AS we agreed to give each other 6 months cooling period BUT somehow I regretted marking that move!

Cause it was a " NO return " on my hubby's side

He went on to send me a lawyer's letter to divorce after that

I refuse to sign the paper and try try try hard to beg for his return and reconciliation for almost 1.5 years...till there is certain dateline till the day i was totally drained!!!

We were seperated on the ground that i did not contest on the divorce...it's like a silent mean consent kind!

Do you know divorce is unlike those in the movie type...need both party to sign on the piece of paper...if he serve you the paper, after a certain grace period...if you did not contest THEN the divoice is sealed

Anywhere my story with him is over.

BUT sincerely I do hope urs can be salvaged.

I will pray for you to stay strong and have the energry to carry on any steps coming in further...
 
hi heartpain

Both of our cases have one very important similarity. The other half kept sharing with us on our differences.. and at least your case mentioned he wanted to leave.. for mine.. he is just hinting here and there but do not want to voice out or he does not even know what he wanted.

In the end.. I was the one who initiate the breakup. And he is like "ok" immediately. As thou he was like just waiting for me to initiate it all along.

I am not sure abt ur other half.. maybe he is also waiting for you to give the "greenlight". Being in such a position now which i guess you should feel it too.. you knew exactly that once you say "ok", it will definitely be the end of your marriage..hence you are struggling and holding on now by not giving him the consent and this is draining you off.

Take time off and understand what you want now
happy.gif
When you want to cry.. cry it all out.. when you want to shout, go on and shout..release those emotions.. and things may get clearer along your way when you acknowledge those emotions. And with that make a decision for yourself and your life ahead.. whatever it will be.. please be strong...

Hi Cshell and Miko.. I am sorry to hear abt your cases.... JiaYou!! Time can heal!! And all of us will be able to find our own happiness one day!!
happy.gif
 
this site is really an encouragement to me. when i feel sad and do not know what to do, i just read the advise given.

i have a young child and i am trying to stay strong and learn how to move on.

hubby says he wants to work on ( but i can feel tat he is not ) the girl is important to him as she help him at his lowest ( i did not know .... he cannot talk to me... so ya! i know some would say she is not the cause as there is already a strain... i am learning to accept that or maybe have accepted that... we are no longer as impt.. he said a lot of hurtful thing but somehow i dunno how come i can take it ).. or maybe i am trying to hide under the bush.

thank you... i am not working so am working to find a job and work on myself to be stronger and maybe find happiness which after so many months i realize tat I MYSELF was not happy.

some of the message are an eye opener.

heartpain... take care.. sorry to hijack... but i just want to say... like all cases like this, we have to be strong... I will be one day...
 
Hi movingon and miko

My husband has been talking to me abt our differences and has been suggesting a divorce for quite some time.

I have bad mood swings now...sometimes, I feel strong and ready to let go, but there are also somtimes I feel sad and feel like crying...

My husband is taking our "breakup" very well...For eg. he will try to console me and ask me to look on the bright side, nothing to be sad about! He can still live day to day like normal and ask me to accompany him for shopping and meals. His reason is that we still need to eat and might as well have meals together.

I find his behaviour vv hard to accept.

Trying to be the good guy and telling me how all this is for my own good. He is still criticising me and pointing out my mistakes and saying "you never learn..you will suffer in future"...

I am not thinking anymore..and trying to learn not to have hope. My company has offered me an overseas posting...and I will be taking it up.

But he is still pouring cold water on me and telling me..."you will not make it...you never learn..you are anti-social..how you going to survive there..."

He is driving me nuts!
 
Hi heartpain,

Since he firmly decides on a divorce, please don't give up your overseas posting.

An overseas posting will do you good, a change of environment and meeting new people and who knows you may meet your Mr Right.

He shouldn't hang on to you if he wants a divorce. If he says he doesn't want to let you go then insist that he doesn't divorce and work on the marriage.
 
Hi heartpain,

I would think that the overseas postings is a good opportunity for both of you. A "separation" would probably help both of you see the real reason for breaking up. Do give it a go
happy.gif
 
heartpain,

Trust yourself, if u r " no good " why should your Co. offer you this opportunity.

Not everyone is given such a chance!

I don't know whether you believe - WHEN heaven is tarking something away from us, He will give us something in return...see it V positively!!!

You can made it anywhere...

It's all about your own believe & mindset now.

YES...we can remember

CAUSE we are all SURVIVOR down here!
 
hi heartpain..

go for it
happy.gif
go for the oversea posting!!! agree totally with miko.. trust urself... and see the world out there.. everything happens for a reason
happy.gif
Jiayou!!!

back to your hubby gng out meals etc.. oh boy.. is like a flashback to me.. same case here
sad.gif
felt so loss then as it is like as thou got chance at times and no chances at times.. ai...
sad.gif


Mood swings are inevitable at such stages.. do recognize they are the mood swings.. start writing your feelings there..maybe it can help you to identify the triggger points for such swings and you can anticipate it in future .. I am still doing it now.. as till now.. the swings still hit me..

Do be strong and believe in yourself, heartpain..

As what miko mention..

"we are all SURVIVOR down here" :P
 
hi HeartPian

You will survive. Hang it there.

I wish my wife will come back to me...... she just wants out no matter what, similar to the situation that you are facing.

I am trying hard to salvage the marriage but slowly and surely, its becoming more of a dream. I buried myself in work. Leaving me no time to think about the pain.

All the best to you.

Believe, Be Strong, Never give up.
 
Dear miko, movingon, change and tiredmom

Thank you for your encouragement and advice!!!

I should be accepting the offer from company and if so, I will be leaving as early as end June.

I can't believe everything is happening so sudden and fast.

Right now, I am just putting my energy into work...and leave it to fate.
 
"a time to search and a time to give up,a time to keep and a time to throw away"

Maybe this is the very chance for you to see the new world and connect back with yourself
happy.gif


All the best for your "new beginning"!!
 


Dear heartpain,
i second the overseas posting.. it seems that yr HTB does not really have a clear mind of what he's really doing except to blame and reset. He maybe really be in depression given the current economic situaton with stress coming along. He's definitely unhappy and wishes to escape but still uncertain to really make a firm move. I guess it's tough until he sorts out his thoughts.. Give yourself and him some time away and reconsider this relationship. Meanwhile, do things to make yourself happy and look good. When you feel good, naturally you will ask yourself if you have doing anything wrong or not enough for him and if it's worth to hold on to it. Leave him for the time being and if he comes back, u know it's for good.. I wish u all the best.
 
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