My heart has shattered into a million pieces

H

heartpain

New Member
I need a place to share my sorrows, hurt and pain...and I need advice on how to pick up and move on.

Here is my story:

On new year's eve, my husband, who I have spent 10+ years of my life with, broke the news that he wants a divorce. His reasons include:

(a) His major source of unhappiness and stress in life is that he made the wrong decision to marry me. He married me out of obligations and to please his parents.

(b) His feelings are not LOVE. He only needed me as a companion and friend. A security blanket.

(c) What he wants is a soulmate who shares similar interests, passions and dreams as him. Other couples have 30% difference. We have 70% differences...

(d) What he wants is a princess to dote and love and care. A princess with compatible background like him...grow up in a well to do family (e.g. at least private housing), speak English....and not "chena"

(e) What he wants is a pretty, slim and attractive woman

(f) I am not what he wants. I am insensitive, uncaring, unattractive, poor family background, totally incompatible etc etc

I am very sad and hurt..and I am at a loss of how to react..do I win him back? How to be his soulmate?

I really love him with all my heart and soul..but I know I am a reserved person (mainly because of my childhood and background) and I dont openly show my feelings and affection.

I cannot believe that the person closet to me is hurting me the most..he has really broken my heart into a million pieces

No words can describe how I feel...
 


heartpain,

You will grieve for a while.. and then you need to pick up the million pieces and continue your journey in life
 
I dont understand...

He is like a changed person..

So cruel, and heartless to me..why he "pretended" all these 10 years? Why he make me feel that he actually love me when he did not????...
 
if he really wants it that way... u cant do much...
to me, once his heart has changed, there is no way of getting back to the times like before...
try n take it easy n let go...
 
heartpain,

Other than (e), all the rest are simply excuses.

He has found someone new, a new toy.

It's just sad how people do not take marriage seriously nowadays.

I don't mean to be a wet blanket. There is nothing much you can do. It is an uphill task to convince or to patch back when one party has lost his/her feelings.

Nonetheless, life goes on. Get all you can out of him and live, live your life. Such a shallow person, he is not worth to live with.
 
Heartpain,

it seems pretty clear he knows what he wants and doesn't want , did you not see this coming ? I mean 10 years is a long time not to notice any hints that things are not right.

Better ask yourself 100% sincerely : do you really feel for him as much as you think ? or is it just cause you think you do or think you should cause of 10 years together ?

For me usually , strong deep feelings can only be genuine if both parties feel more or less on the same lever. AS they say 2 hands to clap.
 
Heartpain, yr hb may have already found someone new in his life. Once that happen, it is very difficult to get him back. Also, I find no point to get him back too.
 
Please be strong and prove to yourself(not to anyone else) that you are better off without someone who makes you feel like a second class citizen.

We can only tell you so much but ultimately, only YOU can truly help yourself. Walk out of this and emerge a wiser person
 
I think its time to put your sadness aside and make plans for settlements. Get a lawyer and commence proceedings.

Frankly speaking, I would have commented all his reasons are crap - what somebody attractive, slim...how he expect someone like that if a woman has willingly sacrifice 10yrs of her life with him? To me, this is the ultimate. Other reaons like no communications, etc can be still be resolved.

Since he is so "cold" don't be nice too. Ask for the maximum possible settlement. Since you have lost his heart, you should fight for your share of matrimonal assets liao. Be cold hearted.
 
Hi all

We have been married for 3 years and we have no kids...

I am very sure there is no 3rd party.

Our relationship just worsens after marriage..so in a way, hints were there. He was unhappy with me most of the time...many things I do just fustrate/irritate him...

He just keep blaming me to say I didnt do my best in housework lah, managing finances..no passions...dolling up etc ..didnt put all my heart into the relationship...dont care for him enough..

And all this while, I was feeling rejected as he was constantly putting me down...I was the same before and after marriage. But after being married, he became very critical...of me, my background and my family..I am just trying to keep giving in

I am very sad. He is such a nice guy to outsiders and everyone finds him a nice person...but he is the most cruel to me..the way he criticises me...

He just blame me of marrying him or "hanging on" to him because I want a trophy husband (i.e he is doing very well/rich now)...

He is very angry and does not allow me to share my problems with my family..even abt the divorce. He says he hates me for always playing victim and dont realise my mistakes and faults..

How to make him understand that I really love him? How to make him understand that I am not hanging onto him because he is a trophy husband?

I only want a husband who loves and accepts me...I only want him to want me as much as I love him...
 
"I only want a husband who loves and accepts me...I only want him to want me as much as I love him..."

Obviously he is not that husband anymore.
 
It seems that he is playing the blame game now.

Finger pointing will never help to resolve anything, please tell him that.

Just find it incredulous that he's becoming a Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde after marriage?

Best if u can pick up the pieces and move on, otherwise u will be in for a lot more hurt really. All the best.
 
Able to list out the reasons why he wants a divorce means....he have been thinking about this issue for a long long time....

Well, if u are so sure that he doesnt have someone else...then i guess....the best choice is to let go. No point holding on to a loveless marriage. You gain nothing but more pain and sorrow...
 
heartpain, we all know not easy to let go a relationship. but, trust us once a person changed his heart mean he really another person and no longer ur hubby. U can do ur best to salvage but if not going to work. U hv to move on..jia you..
 
heartpain.. i knw how u feel just like what my wife did to me... when i did not a single wrong things infront or behind her she want to leave me n fight for my daughter who i so care abt....

n is true once the heart of yr hubby change is as good as a stranger which wht my ex wife to be is showing.... i can only cry inside my heart.... ;(
 
Your husband probably married out of convenience (no other choice of women for himself then).

He could also be confused or timid then. Maybe cos the 2 of you had been together for quite a long time and he didn't know how to break off with you then so decided to (WRONGLY) continue with the marriage.

Honestly, I think this is a marriage that should not have happened in the first place. It's a marriage more out of convenience to him. You love him more than he loves you.

He might have treated you well in the past, but his feelings for you were probably never deep enough. It's more like a "good friends" kind of relationship than one bound by true love.

If you dare, ask him this: Recall back to the days when you both decided to go steady. If he had had a choice all over again, would he have chosen you? Probably not.

In other words, he didn't love you enough to want to marry you. He chose you cos he THOUGHT it was love. And like I said, he probably didn't have a better choice then.

There's little that you can do now if one party is unwilling to reconcile. You can try to save the marriage but I have to be frank. The chances are slim. Even if you could save it, you will always be like living with a time bomb. You'll never know when a sudden disastrous desire to want to breakup will happen to you again.

It's just unfortunate that he wasn't frank with his own feelings before marrying you. The points he gave for wanting a divorce are not mere excuses. At least to himself. He bottled up all these negative feelings inside him for many years. It's not a recent thing. (Ask him to verify this.) And they had to explode now.

It's easy for 2 people to fall in love for the wrong reasons. Easy to get married also. But when it comes down to going thru thick and thin together AFTER marriage, only the couples who genuinely love each other survive.
 
Hi David

Yes, that is what he said. He said he didnt have other choices then. I was the only one around.

He believes if he look around even while dating me, he could find someone more suitable for him. He was silly to believe in being faithful and commiting to one's gf...he was confused and silly to "rush" into marriage at a time he was busy with building up his career..

Now things have settled down for him and he starts to think.... He regret it soo much now...that he didnt get to know more women and he know what he needs in a life partner now and it will not be me...

In fact, he seems to regret his entire life now...the schools he studied in, the friends he come to know etc etc...all these are not what he likes...it is like the past 30+ years of his life are wasted cos it is not what he wants at all..and he wants to live the life he wants from now on...a totally changed person! He wants to pack up and leave Singapore a few years...be on his own and explore life/world....Isnt this drastic???

I am very very sad. If he has no real feelings for me, why he did so much things to make me happy in the past... very tired...I just dont want to think anymore...I dont know him anymore...

I feel like the person I loved for past 10+ years has died...it is a new person I am living with everyday now...
 
If I'm not wrong, the Women's Charter in Singapore states that your husband has to split half his assets with you, but you get to keep all your assets. Check with a lawyer, I could be mistaken.

You did mention that he is rich...might be worth commencing divorce proceedings so that his assets are frozen and he cannot move them out of your reach.
 
(heartpain) ,
Do another way round.. start from the small point..

try improving yourself... at Times, our partners move faster than us.. in this social world.. eVery things are in fast pace.. Are you still standing at, where you are in the past?

Look into the mirror... Ask yourself, have your husband be moving fast, and you? let say dolling up yourself.. or upgrading yourself?

You said, "I am insensitive, uncaring, unattractive" Then do something...
Family background etc, we cant choose.. So nothing we can do now too...

Improving yourself is not for your husband, but also yourself, my dear.. When you look attracive, you have confidence.. When you are confidence, you look attractive..

Every Human changed..
So will you... and Can you?

Do something, rather than asking him for his love and feeling to be back.. Though it might be a bit late or Even if it dont work out.. at least you try your best to salvage the marriage .. No regrets.

Do what you can..
Sometimes, letting go may not be a bad thing.. Time heals pain..

All the best..
 
just throw or kick away such a lousy creature la.... there still a lot more out there worth for u.... u are now like looking at Mercedes think it is very nice.. out there got Bentley do u still want this Merc???
 
if u have given all out/100% and he still feel that you are not good enough, then move on. no point dragging on for somebody who doesnt cherish you.
 
I totally agree with Ferrero Rocher. Find ways to pamper yourself and love yourself more. Doll up more often.. A confident woman is an attractive woman. Dun let him hold you back. If he cannot appreciates you. You will find someone else. It's never too late to learn and find new love.
 
im new here n saddened from what ive read, its sad that a married couple that known each other for more than ten years are drifting far apart...

my siblings n few friends went through this too. but my advise is to try n talk things over, openly n sincerely. get it off ur chest, ask him what he really want. ask him why now, why wait 10+ years? marriage is a sacred thing, to be married is to be committed for life.

such things happen to my dear ones n friends. it scares me a lot. now im having this mental thing bout getting married...
 
solitaire, don't let this incident get u down. There are many more happily married couples out there who are enjoying their blissful marriage together now, so to speak
happy.gif
 
Hi heartpain,

I can probably relate to our your husband feels because I am sort of in his shoes.

May I ask if you were your husband's first girlfriend? Because he said he had no other choice when he married you.

My husband was the first and only real boyfriend I showed my parents. (I had a few very short, underground ones before that).

At that time, abut 7 or 8 years ago, I was still growing up and I had very low self esteem due to my upbringing. I was told I'd be lucky if any man wants to marry me because I'm so fat blah blah blah.

All throughout our courtship, I had doubts that we should continue. We were far too different. Even though we met up once a week or once in two weeks, we led separate lives. I don't know - was your courtship like this?

My parents loved him (still do) and think he is a good guy (which he is). I married him because I was more afraid of being single forever, because we already bought a flat, and because my parents liked him. Maybe that is what your husband meant when he said he married you out of obligations?

I lost weight for the wedding and pretty much maintained it that way. He put on about 20kg since marriage.

As I grew older, I realise I can be happy on my own. After spending a few years abroad on my own, I realise I like my own company rather than pretend to be with someone whom we totally don't click and can't communicate. It was a strain living with him daily. I was alone, without family and good friends in a foreign country, yet I still felt happier than when in Singapore got to put up an act.

To me, it's unfair to expect our partners to change to someone different to suit us. I tried that for a few years, and it backfired on me.

It is my fault for not being brave enough to break things off early. I know it's no point saying that now. What I wanted to share with you is that your hubby probably thought about all these things for a long time now. Is he the sort of person that doesn't really express his thoughts and feelings and is always Mr Nice Guy?

He probably just did not know how to broach it to you as didn't want to hurt you. So, he just bottle, bottle and bottle until one day he realised he cannot bottle it anymore.

If I had a choice to go back in time, I wouldn't have chosen to marry him. Definitely. But that is not important now.

Looking forward is. We are trying to see if we can still remain friends.
 
'Does it matter whether there is a 3rd party? I feel that whether the hb wants out as a result of 3rd party or not is not an issue here."

Maybe ur rite. I just hoped tat TS dun continue to live in denial and false hope. hb may have moved on. so she has to do it too!
 
Hi everyone

Thank you for your comments. Just to clarify that I am not a fat and ugly woman. I am just average looking. I am very successful in my career and am taking my Masters now.

It is true that he has moved on faster than me and achieved much more than me.

I have begun to reflect on what he said and try to improve myself, but for my own sake. How to be a more caring person, how to make myself happy, doll myself up.

*********


Hi Veiled

Thanks for sharing your story with me.

Yes, I am my husband's first girl friend and only girl friend. Likewise, he was my first and only boyfriend

During dating days, we meet very frequently...we have happy moments as well as unhappy moments..like any couple.

He prob married me because of pressure..ie. his parents/grandparents want him to settle down soon and start a family...while he feels responsible towards me because we have been dating for 10 years..

Yes, my husband is a nice guy..he can interact and chat with anyone..and makes them feel comfortable and good.

But honestly, I think it is hard to remain as friends because the party who is being "rejected" will feel very hurt and sad. Would not want to be reminded of the past..

Sigh...
 
Hi Thomas

I missed your thread.

How did you arrive that he could be in depression?

This is what I think as well..he can't sleep at night and has difficulty with sleep.

I tried to talk to him but he deny that he is in depression. He said that even if he is in depression..it is because of our relationship that is giving him stress..

SIGH
 
From the symptoms u've described, it seems to be that he is....any chance of u bringing him to see a shrink?
 
It sounded more like midlife crisis.

But i think it is bound to happen. First love don't usually last, and this has already last for 10 yrs.

He is having regrets because he had not seen enough of the world, which in actual fact, date enough women (date is a nicer way to put it).

For a man, it's bound to happen and yours just took longer.

It's not that i'm being cynical, but the thing is, both of you have not experience enough to know what you really want from your partner, from your relationship, not to mention marriage.

Marriage is not just love alone. If you do not even know who you are, how are you going to fulfill so much things.

10 years is a long time. But it is still not late for you to start over again. Re-discover yourself, you might find that actually marriage is not what you are looking for.
 
Men like to use midlife crisis an excuse for divorce...

ASK him back if he is not happy CAN live with you for 10 years meh!!!

And yet said STRESS now!!!!!!

Anyway i would just like to share with you,

In such situation you got to learn to accept

ASK for your share of compensation...
Most important now

Or persue him to go for counselling for both of U, since the COURT might ask both of u to ...later on
 
hi heartpain,

we cannot explain the reasons for his demand to divorce.

... things changes and we have to be strong to face it... let it be the divorce or you two working on your marriage.

just buck up your courage and rein in support from your frens and family. for better or worse, at least you will not be alone

have trust that god will be looking after you
happy.gif
 
Thank you everyone for your comments.

Silverash- Just curious. Is it not possible to be happy ever after for first love/relationship? Are there no couples who marry their first gf?

Why do you think men need to play and date around to find the right woman?

I dont see a need for me to date many other men in order to know he is the one and to love him.

Even if my marriage really end up in a divorce, I dont think I will actively date and find the right man....

I will have reservations about falling in love and trusting people again..

Sigh
 
silverash,

"But i think it is bound to happen. First love don't usually last, and this has already last for 10 yrs. "

"He is having regrets because he had not seen enough of the world, which in actual fact, date enough women (date is a nicer way to put it).

For a man, it's bound to happen and yours just took longer. "

Wah.. are you the GOD of love. You are certain:

a) First love won't last
b) Men are bound to date around (even after married?)

You have my utmost admiration on your "sure to happen" prediction.
 
heartpain,

Having a failed marriage does not equate:

a) YOu are bad
b) your ex is bad
c) All men are bad
d) Men cannot be trusted

Falling in love and living with your loved one is one of the most wonderful things that can happen to an individual. don't deprive yourself of this possible happiness just because of 1 failure.
 
Thanks sm

No I dont hold the views (a) to (d).

I am just afraid. I was hurt during childhood before and now my marriage. I am a reserved person and it takes me a lot of courage to open up, and develop feelings for someone.

It is not the failure in marriage that sets me back. It is the knowledge that happiness do not last forever and sadly, there is the possibility that ppl you care the most about will let you down and hurt you. I rather love my family who will never let me down.

I really dont know how to pick myself up and date men to find love again.

My husband is always very conflicting. Now he is not insisting on divorce but keep saying that "well, he will try to live with it, conform to what ppl expect from me..."

True love wouldnt be like that...if he take such a view, there is a chance a few months down the road that he again start the series of questions on why must he accept something he dont want? His life is terrible etc.....

I am at a loss on what to do..how to reach out to him...or is there really no point in trying to reach out to him????
 
heartpain,

There is no such thing as love forever - unless you are talking about love for parents or children.

But happiness can last forever - provided you do no put your happiness on a single person that you have no control over. Or a person who no longer care for you.

Divorce may seem to be the worst thing that can happen to you life now but it isn't.

As to your hb, I really have no comments. If you really want to be happy with him and he is willing to work together - there is a possibility.

And no you don't have to think about dating first and find love again. They will come later. Why worry about dating men and finding love again.

Settle your problems with your hb first - be it separation/divorce or both working together to save the marriage.
 
Hi all

My husband has been commenting abt pretty women whenever we went out together and saw some pretty women ard in town

He is saying (not joking) that he is stupid not to have tried KTV etc (i.e. not a man enough) and he will tell me the kind of women (up to 10) he wants to go to bed with...

He tell me there is nothing wrong and this is just living out what a man instincts are...this is all natural and all men wants to try...

I am very upset...does all men genuinely think this way? Am I right to be angry?

He make it sound like it is no big deal and I should accept it..
 
Heartpain..

Based on the mentality of ur hubby, it is lucky that he did nt patronise KTV nite club. I can guarantee u that he will easily fall in love wif the ktv gers and got "robert chop" by them financially and emotionally. Some men need to learn from lessons to grow up.. i believe he is one of those...
 


Heartpain,

Your hb sounds like as a**hole! Who does he think he is? That all the gals that he's interested in would b interested to sleep with him? And he's inhuman to b even telling u about it!

This is a selfish, self-centred guy that you should forget about!!
 
You must log in or register to reply here.

Back
Top