Married with a kid 3yo and going to divorce

[Zaine]

Dear ALL,

I'm married with a 3 years kid. Just got the new flat for few mths. After checked with HDB that if we stay less than 5 yrs and proceed to divorce we have to surrender the flat to HDB with lower market value. Which mean that once the HDB take over the flat my portion have to pay the outstanding loan included the CPF, so mean I have to folk out additional money to pay the outstanding, so will be in debt.

Kindly advice anyone encounter at this situation to give any other good solution?

 

[adelene]

Hi Zaine,

Is divorce unavoidable? Can the marriage be salvaged? HDB rules are fixed. There is no way out of it. You can seek MP help since you jsut get the new flat for a few months.
Hope this helps you.

 

[Zaine]

Hi Adeline

My hb is a egoism person, no belief(everything based on his own thought), hot temper, violent and like to use f-words on me. Our problem started since day one of the marriage due to he requested to opt-out all the traditional customary way like not go to fetch bride, no given tea season to parents and eldest, no wedding banquet. But at the end I still insisted to go to fetch bride and hold the banquet so from there he was already not happy with me due to never respect his opinion. From that day onwards every times just a little things he will shout at me and f-word out and will blow out become big matters and turn to violent. I already stand him for 4 yrs as almost every 1-2 weeks will get to quarrel. And, even involved with my family members as fighting with my brother in law and scolded my mum and got police record and court order when i chose to run out from the house to my brother in law house. At the end, I chose to forgive and accept him to restart the relationship for the seek of my daughter.

However, the thing happened till now already more than 3 years but his attitude and character never change at all that break his promise every times. From the day one of marriage till now he never let me laugh happily. In my memory is only arguments, quarrel and cool war. I am so tired of this kind of life. So today I choose to proceed to divorce. But after checked with HBD the flat has to surrender, so wonder that I will end up with debt to repay all the outstanding loan.

 

[adelene]

Hi Zaine,

I won't not encourage you to salvage if he had physically abusing you. But most man actually has very high ego. Since you have decided that this marriage should be ended this way, then surrendering the HDB flat is a must, irregardless what price it costs. It is better than staying in a violent marriage with fear.
Please take care of yourself and your daughter.

 

[Zaine]

Hi Adeline,

Even he was physically abused me for the past 4 years I am still no Hate on him at all till now. Every times after the quarrelled and fighting, the next day he will come to ask for patch back and if I wont agree he will threaten me with those nonsense things like will not even kill me but with my family members like my brother in law family. Yesterday night and this morning kept asking me to patch back and talked about those nonsense long story about all matters were from my fault that do not want to admit my mistake every times.

I do not know that is it part of controlling him like chosen house furniture and colors and listen on me for what I advice him that do not quit the job to pursue his full time study since we got the kid now? His words were confused me that am I really that kind of person? However, no matters what things he was agreed he will bring out to say when quarrel. So, I am thinking that no matter how right or wrong of me now I should proceed to divorce since he will never let go what ever he had agreed in the past and bring out to say every times which I was really so tired of the life.

The main worry on me now is
- Is my decision may affect my daughter growth in near future?
- Do I afford to rent a cheapest flat for a time being?
- Will he let me bring out my daughter without cause mad to me?

Thanks for your advice.

 

[Zaine]

My hb would like to fight my daughter custody. He wont allow me to bring my daughter along to move out now.
Is there any solution to be adviced?

 

[adelene]

Hi Zaine,

You have to slow down and calm down. I think you have many things to handle at this point of time and you are taking a giant step to make decision.
First of all, when he is turning violent, you have to seek external protection in order to ensure your daughter and your safety. Is anyone hurt in the process?
You might call AWARE or make a police report if such things happened. Show them the evidences such as messages, recording, bruises caused by him.
http://www.aware.org.sg/information/dealing-with-family-violence/

Second of all, KEEP yourself as calm as possible to see a clearer picture. Think out of your situation.
By knowing where you are standing, you can have a better understanding where you are heading to. It is difficult to calm down, but you have to try.

Third, if situation allowed, speak to him calmly. Even when he is yelling or threatening you, he will have second thought if the listener is not reacting to him.
Do things that is within your control. Do not judge him or put expectation on him and manipulate him. Have a conscious mind as many of us tends to do it unintentionally.

Your worry is necessary:
- Any major decision will affect the child growth now and in the future.
- If you have financial concern, you might want to approach your parent, relatives for a shelter.
- If both of you really concern about your child, both should avoid argument and fighting in front of child.

 

[Zaine]

Hi Adeline,

Thanks for your sincerely advice and information.
We both hurt each other on the fighting. I got to report to police last time but due to too often of quarrels I already numb to it and don't bother to call police.
This few days he kept asking me to patch back but once patch back few weeks later will quarrel again. Too tired on this kind of life. Even thought the physically hurt is minor but my mentally hurt is most vital.

As like you stated that either should stay without love and communication for the seek of my kid for the rest of my life or leave him? I'm in dilemma now to make decision. If I choose to divorce the most pitiful one is my daughter to follow either one.

Anyway, I also hope your situation will get better and relationship get improvement.

 

[hitori]

Yes, the child may suffer, key word is MAY. If u look at it the other way, is it going to be healthy for a child to grow up in an environment where quarrels and fights exist everyday? Kids need a loving surrounding to grow up well. Whether u choose to stay or leave the relationship, the child is going to suffer. Question is which option has a better outcome? Which will leave u and child happier? Or even your partner?

The father will NEVER b able to get custody of the child, so u need not worry. U have to start planning for yourself too. U have a long life ahead of you, at least 20yrs before your girl become independent and u can leave the violence(assuming he do not change for better). Ask yourself, is this the kind of life u want to lead if u choose to stay for your daughter sake? Do think carefully and once u have made the decision, the rest of things will fall Into place eventually, no matter how overwhelming it may seems now.

 

[Zaine]

Thanks Hitori for your kind advice.

Yes, I will seek for lawyer advice. On the same times, may see his sincerity to change from his hurt or not as I knew for the past few years he always promise to me to give him some times to let him change after a big quarrel to force me intend to get divorce but at the end I am the one who always suffer again. Maybe for the seek of my daughter I may give him last chance. As go for divorce is easy but want to rebuild a family is not easy and the impact behind.

I am very appreciated from your sincerely opinion and advice.

Wish you all have a wonderful lunar new year with your family.

 

[hitori]

I am glad to hear that. As a suggestion, it may be a good idea to see a marriage counsellor. Sometimes when both parties tried and failed, it may take a 3rd party to be the bridge between 2 parties. Everybody loves a happy ending and I hope u find it..

 

[Zaine]

Okay, will consider your suggestion. Thanks

 

[adelene]

Hi Zaine,

Hitori was right, child will suffer whether you choose to stay or leave the relationship. Most important is the attitude. When you choose to stay, you have to stop quarreling and fighting. Leaving the relationship, you will have to be stronger since you have to play 2 roles at the same time.

I am changing and situation is better, we can talk in peace. But it makes a drastic turn these 2 days when my husband put more expectations on me.
I don't think it will work out well eventually.

 

[Zaine]

Hi Adeline,

Haiya, if I can control myself when he shouted and scolded me like nonsense and nothing then it will in peace world. But, in the first place he can scolds when he doesn't agree/listen on the matter which it make me angry and don't like to talk with him. So, once I avoid to reply him he will come quarrel again. He never talk nicely when he doesn't agree. Once, come to shout and scold already show no respect to me which I couldn't accept.

Hope your side can try to seat down to talk and resolve your problem.