Married to someone that you don't love..


i think it shouldn't be uncommon to marry someone you don't love.. many pple marry for different reasons. obligations, sense of responsibility, thinking that it'll work out somehow, financial reliance.. so many reasons more than just love!
 
I have been with him for many years..
He recently proposed and we set to get married next year..
the problem now is that i dont know if there is any love or sparks or just purely a routine..
 
Normally couples together for many years will tend to have the mindset that eventually they will get married sooner or later. But many do not realise that whether is it bcos of getting used together or love. I have many friends also like that but ended up not feeling happy or even quarrel very often.
 
Marriage can happen for a lot of reasons... the point is whether can you bring yourself to love the person after the marriage... Alot of people may marry the person they love, but the issue is do they love the person they marry thereafter?
 
i know of a girl whom cannot break from her current bf of 7 year because her family is used to him liao...she rejected another guy whom she really love.....beat that
 
my grandmother did not love my grandfather when they were married, for their marriage was arranged by their parents. but built the love over the decades together.

anyway, nowadays couples get married mainly because they love each other and see a future together. although there is a minority like my uncle, who married an indonesian 25 yrs his junior out of "neccessity". she was 18 and she married him for security. to them, they probably thought "love is not everything", just like what clipperjunk said.
 
can a marriage really be maintained if there is no love in them?

love is not everything, but to some people it is everything. it depends on how you see it.
 
can a marriage really be maintained if there is no love in them?

grandma's time : can
mother's time : maybe can
current time : cannot

c'mon, the "girl next door" can eat out, its a buffet out there, she itch, someone will scratch
 
I personally think that nationality and education level plays a part as well in determining if love is that important....
 
Tomato - have you ever thought of the love that you are thinking about had already turned into the kind of Family love?

I was with my husband for 6 years before we got wedded. I must say, after the first 3 years, I ever thought that love was gone, that the feeling of falling in love is no longer there.

As time goes by, we grew used to each other, used to each other's family members as well. There was a time that we broke off in yr 4 of our relationship. It was a 3 months break. It was hard to be away from each other. It is only then I realised that the love that we once experienced had slowly turned into family love. The break up does leave scars, but it also brought us closer to each other.

Maybe you should ask yourself if you'll be able to live without this man. I know some will say no one on earth will need that special someone to survive. Use your feeling and heart in this. If your heart tells you that you cannot live without him, then he's the one.
 
This you have to ask yourself.. what brought you together and what kept you together???

If there is really no love, will you still be together for so long??

I believe the kind of love changes.. no relationship can be in honeymoon mode forever, the kind of feeling that makes your heart beat fast will not last forever too.. At times, I will miss the feeling of falling in love too..

But for what keep the two of you together, you have to ask your heart if it's love. You'll have to ask yourself if he's the one that you would want to spend your life together.
 
I really do not think we can stay very long in a married relationship if there is no love. Every other weakness and unhappiness will be magnified while every strength and happiness will be taken as granted.

Love is the very foundation of any relationship, including the one we have with our family, pets and friends. What's more, living under the same roof means demanding alot more compromise and accommodation.

Though we cannot stop any changes which happen after the marriage, I think we have the responsibility to be in one wholeheartedly before the vow.
 
faith.. I agree with you that love is a foundation in all relationship.. but I think tomato is quite confused if love exists... cos the kind of love do change over time.. at least it changes for me..

Honeymoon stage and after married stage is definitely different.. for me, honeymoon stage, all faults also can accept... after married, those faults will be nagged at.. But is love still there.. yes... it is definitely for me.

Have a great wkend everybody.
 
if it helps.... think of why you fell in love with him in the first place.

try to see him from that just-fell-in-love view, from there see if you still love him.

at the end of the day, the love if is dying has to be recreated by both. talk to him?? takes 2 to clap. if 1, its just slap. clap with him, dont slap him.

maybe at the end of the day, both of you will have the same revelation?
 
are u two able to discuss and agree wat u want for the future?

once married, did u two REALLY feel that its ok to be with each other for the next 40 yrs?

if yes, then maybe can stay married. if no, then i think it needs alot of work..

U ask this .. is it bcoz u are going to get married?? or are already married and unsure??
 
No straight answers. What's more important is for you to know what you both want from this marriage. Love is definitely not everything but without it, then, you probably need other more key motivations for you both to sustain it.

Don't get into a marriage without confidence and depend on hopeless hopes that things will work out. It hardly does in such situation!
 
Cocoon, u sure u can be with your husband for 40 years?

So many tempting sweet young things out there competing with you
 
Similarly, so many tempting rich men around too. What's your point? Temptations are always around.
 
Well, it's easier for a older and richer man to hook up a single lady than a married older woman to hook up a single guy..
 
i hardly know what love is and why people cry for it.

i hardly felt how being in love because when i pursuit a woman the number one is physical attraction then check wheather we can get along or not. these is the aspect i am always looking for.

if you ask me wheather i am married with love, i would say no either. but i get along with her and we both have a good time.

for me married is just another business contract. for both mutual benefit, asset and liability.

i did felt it when i was 15, felt in love with my cute class mate secretly. watching her from distance, give a secret glance, but in the end it is all about attraction.

i think most people will never understand what love is.
 
do u feel happy and comfortable when you're with him? sometimes it's hard to define "love" , i dont know whether it's love or not but when i was with my bf i just felt happy, secure and comfortable,and i simply cant live without him -now become my husband.
 
one can not understand love if they don't experience nor cherish it. If love is only attraction, then why do you love your parents? What's so attractive about your folks that keep you wanting to care for and appreciate them?

And the puppy love thingy, its nothing more than just being young. At the age and level of maturity, we just aren't able to handle our emotions, attraction and urges.

Think of your favorite food from the favorite store. Somehow, its different when its prepared by a different person using different receipe. It is that unique taste that you are in love with. You can make minor changes by asking for more or less oil, salt, chilli. But, if its cooked completely differently. It will never be the same taste that you love. Staying happily in love is about finding the right taste for the couple and they will enjoy great fruitful taste together.
 
Doll, I beg to differ. It is not the blood that really relates. Its the bonding.... the relationship itself. Attraction is only one of the element and with time, what needs to sustain it is never simple attraction. If its only attraction, then why marry? We should always be going for the newest babe that is surely going to be more appealing to us men.

If I turned out to be adopted, nothing is going to change about my love for my family. And I love my in laws just like my family. Again, its the bonding the brings the family together. Not the blood.

The blood bore much more importance in the tradition of carrying the family blood down only.
 
Yah... What I really trying put across is that attraction is never the reason for staying in a relationship and marriage. Be it family or spouse, it is the bonding that nurtures and grow the emotions.

If attraction is all one is looking for, then all the more, he/she shouldn't get into a relationship.
 
I'm married to a man i didnt love.

I lied to myself when i say i did love him.

And i regret. Totally.
Now i simply feel disgusted being with this man, cant wait for him to get the hell outta my life!
 
Attraction is not only physical and it does not only confine itself to pretty young thing. It is a relative feeling, when you are at different level you are attracted to different things, so you can still be attracted by your 50 year old wife though she may have more wrinkle then a 20 something lady.....
 
Agree.... but I was speaking in the context of moist where the attraction is basically physical.
 
This I tend to agree with you though I think attraction always have the physical factor involved how much of it depends on individual..... So some may go away with the idea that mature women are less attractive but I tend to think that some ladies whom have mature gracefully are giving those young ones a run for their money...... and a lot of them are still physically attractive.
 
love this and love that, eternity and endless love,

in the end we are all just love ourself more than others.

shut bullshit.
 
its bullshit to the shallow minded. Just be frank about yourself. No need to lump anyone else with you. If you are not capable to love, so be it. Don't bullshit your way thr and insult others.
 
In fact i am facing a similar problem. I have been asking myself if my present marriage is love or routine ?

We had just gotten ROM late last year. We are now preparing for our customary. It should be a time of joy and excitment.

By chance, i had been in contact with one of the girl i use to like. Nothing has happen between us last time or now. But i can feel my emotion for her. My heart beat faster, or i will at time think of her again. It just seem like i had went back to the days where i fell in love with her years ago. I alway thought i had buried that feelings for her, but her recent appearance dug it up again.

I begin to question myself if i had made a wrong choice getting married. I feel so guilty now because i feel, if i had love my wife 100% then the past feeling would not have been dug up. So have i make a terrible mistake which she has to suffer for it.

Did i get married to her becoz of love or routine?
 
Zulu, are things very routine between you and your wife now? Perhaps you can find some activities to do together and build that sparks again.

I'm sure you love her because u made her your wife today.
 
zulu: you have to be clear of ur own feelings, differentiate well between like, love, lust etc... moroever, what makes you think that the "ex-girl" is the same person as she was years back? How well do you know her, do you like her old/current self?

Concentrate on rebuilding the sparks with your wife... it is nv a good thing to complicate matters further...
 
Milo,

shallow minded ? anything wrong with that ? do we have to understand deeper so that we will reach a better person ? or you love to put yourself in difficult situation just simply because you understand something ....deep ? no ?

or

you like to go easy on anything, as shallow as possible to put yourself in easy situation ? no.

life have been hard everyday, why add more brother ? even if you are deep, the mighty, the greatest, brother, we are all end in the same way.

can go easy don't want, want to hit difficult. pretty amazing.
 
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