lifeforces27
New Member
Dear all,
I have some questions that I know some that should perhaps collectively be answered by lawyers, HDB agents and perhaps a psychiatrist or two! However I have been lurking on this board and impressed with the answers drawn from personal experiences, along with some of the emotions that come with that. So I'd like to hear from anyone with some thought on my questions.
I have been married or 6 years, and finally had the courage to ask for divorce this year. The reasons are many and need not be gone into here, but suffice it to say I take responsibility for many of the reasons the marriage failed, my wife is a very good person except for certain irreconciliabilities, and that she was all for doing whatever it took for us to stay married. We've tried counselling for 3 years and that didn't help except to strengthen my belief that going our separate ways was what would be best.
The Scene
1. We talked about it after our last counselling session and confirmed that divorce was what would be next.
2. We agreed that we didn't want to do-it-yourself because we are both extremely busy people. She said she'd get her lawyer to put through the paperwork. In the meantime, she wanted me out of the house in two months, to which I agreed I would try. This was in April.
3. She told me she'd seen the lawyers, and they told her by end April they'd have something prepared.
4. End of April nothing. At this point I realised that I would not be able to afford rent at $500 per month, so I told her that I'd definitely need to get the divorce going, get divorced, do transfer of ownership of flat, then get my own place.
5. Mid of May nothing. At this point my support system and I were thinking that she wasn't interested in a divorce at all and nothing had really been done all this while. Meanwhile I can't get my own house hunting going because no one will talk to me if I'm not qualified to purchase.
6. End of May I finally asked her about it, offering to get my lawyers to handle it, talk to her lawyers, etc.
She told me
a) she was too busy with work (this is true; I know for a fact there were at least 2 crises at work she had to handle), and that the initial draft from the lawyers was probably sitting in one of her email boxes. She didn't want to check it because she would be distracted from her duties
b) she wanted me out of the house as agreed at the 2 month mark. She didn't care that I'd have to bleed rent and when I told her I couldn't afford it, she said it was my problem. I had agreed to moving out so I should move out no matter what.
I realised after that conversation the anger, disgust, contempt and utter lack of consideration for me that there was no question she was actually trying to hang on to the marriage by doing nothing. However because of these negative feelings, I can no longer trust that even after I move out, bleed rental at $500 per month, she will get things started with the divorce, then transfer of HDB ownership, return of CPF monies to me, and hence let me get my own place. Conceivably, she could change all the locks, do nothing with the lawyers, stay married, me still paying half of the mortgage, and continuing to bleed money for the rest of my Life. She knows I am paid sh!t money and can't afford to sue.
The Questions
Here's where I seek the wisdom of you gurus:
1. What actually is the expected process from filing of divorce? If I file for divorce, will the lawyers really send a draft to my email box for me to respond to, sign on it, before my spouse gets that letter telling me proceedings were underway? My friends told me that it seems bizarre that I've received absolutely nothing.
2. Are lawyers really possibly busy to the extent that it takes 6 months to get a divorce done if all that's being done is just paperwork? (That's why some of my friends worry that something dirty is afoot)
3. If this drags on, what do you think I should do? My friends are saying I should spend the money on my own lawyers, and get things underway, but what if she did in fact get things started, with TWO proceedings filed by TWO lawyers now?
4. Do I need to be divorced completely before applying for transfer of ownership? What if I filed for separation? I understand that filing for separation can be a unilateral thing, without needing to trouble her for anything, make trips, sign papers, etc?
5. Assuming that 4) above is a go, after having the separation papers filled, do I now qualify for applying of HDB flat?
I'd really appreciate some thoughts, and any other suggestions you might have about how I could make things work. I am constantly aware and under pressure to move but I just can't afford to move out and rent a place.I do know I've been making her life uncomfortable by my continued presence, and what a blow it must be to believe that in two months this eyesore will be out of the house, only to have that promise broken.
Thanks all!
I have some questions that I know some that should perhaps collectively be answered by lawyers, HDB agents and perhaps a psychiatrist or two! However I have been lurking on this board and impressed with the answers drawn from personal experiences, along with some of the emotions that come with that. So I'd like to hear from anyone with some thought on my questions.
I have been married or 6 years, and finally had the courage to ask for divorce this year. The reasons are many and need not be gone into here, but suffice it to say I take responsibility for many of the reasons the marriage failed, my wife is a very good person except for certain irreconciliabilities, and that she was all for doing whatever it took for us to stay married. We've tried counselling for 3 years and that didn't help except to strengthen my belief that going our separate ways was what would be best.
The Scene
1. We talked about it after our last counselling session and confirmed that divorce was what would be next.
2. We agreed that we didn't want to do-it-yourself because we are both extremely busy people. She said she'd get her lawyer to put through the paperwork. In the meantime, she wanted me out of the house in two months, to which I agreed I would try. This was in April.
3. She told me she'd seen the lawyers, and they told her by end April they'd have something prepared.
4. End of April nothing. At this point I realised that I would not be able to afford rent at $500 per month, so I told her that I'd definitely need to get the divorce going, get divorced, do transfer of ownership of flat, then get my own place.
5. Mid of May nothing. At this point my support system and I were thinking that she wasn't interested in a divorce at all and nothing had really been done all this while. Meanwhile I can't get my own house hunting going because no one will talk to me if I'm not qualified to purchase.
6. End of May I finally asked her about it, offering to get my lawyers to handle it, talk to her lawyers, etc.
She told me
a) she was too busy with work (this is true; I know for a fact there were at least 2 crises at work she had to handle), and that the initial draft from the lawyers was probably sitting in one of her email boxes. She didn't want to check it because she would be distracted from her duties
b) she wanted me out of the house as agreed at the 2 month mark. She didn't care that I'd have to bleed rent and when I told her I couldn't afford it, she said it was my problem. I had agreed to moving out so I should move out no matter what.
I realised after that conversation the anger, disgust, contempt and utter lack of consideration for me that there was no question she was actually trying to hang on to the marriage by doing nothing. However because of these negative feelings, I can no longer trust that even after I move out, bleed rental at $500 per month, she will get things started with the divorce, then transfer of HDB ownership, return of CPF monies to me, and hence let me get my own place. Conceivably, she could change all the locks, do nothing with the lawyers, stay married, me still paying half of the mortgage, and continuing to bleed money for the rest of my Life. She knows I am paid sh!t money and can't afford to sue.
The Questions
Here's where I seek the wisdom of you gurus:
1. What actually is the expected process from filing of divorce? If I file for divorce, will the lawyers really send a draft to my email box for me to respond to, sign on it, before my spouse gets that letter telling me proceedings were underway? My friends told me that it seems bizarre that I've received absolutely nothing.
2. Are lawyers really possibly busy to the extent that it takes 6 months to get a divorce done if all that's being done is just paperwork? (That's why some of my friends worry that something dirty is afoot)
3. If this drags on, what do you think I should do? My friends are saying I should spend the money on my own lawyers, and get things underway, but what if she did in fact get things started, with TWO proceedings filed by TWO lawyers now?
4. Do I need to be divorced completely before applying for transfer of ownership? What if I filed for separation? I understand that filing for separation can be a unilateral thing, without needing to trouble her for anything, make trips, sign papers, etc?
5. Assuming that 4) above is a go, after having the separation papers filled, do I now qualify for applying of HDB flat?
I'd really appreciate some thoughts, and any other suggestions you might have about how I could make things work. I am constantly aware and under pressure to move but I just can't afford to move out and rent a place.I do know I've been making her life uncomfortable by my continued presence, and what a blow it must be to believe that in two months this eyesore will be out of the house, only to have that promise broken.
Thanks all!