Lazy Husband

[onedergirl]

I found these tips on the net. It is about ways to get rid of lazy husband syndrome. The tips sounds reasonable but what if being clear,polite, respectful, and schedule time (all of which I have tried) still doesn't work on him?

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Tip #1: Be Appreciative of What He DOES Do

Before Maggie starts complaining and criticizing her husband for his lack of ambition around the house, she needs to first show appreciation for the things her husband actually does every week. If he goes to work or looks for a job every day, she needs to thank him for that. If he is putting away dishes, or making dinner she needs to affirm him for those things.

Tip #2: Be Clear - Be Polite - Be Respectful

If a wife wants work done around the house, she simply needs to ask her husband in a clear, polite, and respectful way - likely the same way he is treated at work. Men are more motivated to do things for people who respect them. Wives, in general, have difficulty learning to speak the language of respect to their husbands. And assuming he knows what is expected of him is seldom useful. A simple, "Are you going to finish taking care of the leaves in the back yard?" without any negative or critical tone is often enough to get the work finished.

Tip #3: Schedule Time

Many husbands rely on their wives to schedule their weekend "free time." If your husband has a project yet to be completed, let him know, "Honey, would it help you if I take Johnny to soccer this Saturday so that you can have that time to finish the back yard?" Communicating with an attitude of "helping" versus "criticizing" is important.

Tip #4: Yes, "The Answer" is Often More Sex!

Crazy as it may sound, in an anecdotal survey done by therapist Michelle Weiner-Davis, men whose wives initiated and positively responded to sexual advances more frequently had husbands who accomplish more chores around the home - without even being asked! Definitely something to think about!

Bottom Line: To positively impact our husbands, we need to first change our own behaviors to become clear, respectful and positive! When wives act like this, everyone wins!
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Marriage is a team made up of two people that has a friendship,commitment,and love. When the love dilutes, friendship plays a big part in the marriage. But who would like a friend who just sits around entertaining himself with games from day to midnight and let his friend do all the job? I mean even students working on projects wouldn't like a group member who do not do their part. I'm really tired. I've tried talking to him and all. He'd do a little more for that week and then he'd be back to his original behaviour. After that, I wouldn't even feel like talking to him or seeing him because I just know that it wouldn't change anything. Everyday I wonder what I got myself into and feel trapped and depressed. 10 years of friendship, almost 3 years of dating and only 1.5 years in a marriage. The law makes it impossible for me to file for a divorce because we need to be married for at least 3 years. Its very hard for me to imagine that I'll be happy for the years to come.

 

[joann_chen]

Is there a need to file for a divorce?

 

[miloice]

Outsource the household cleaning and laundry.

Face it, how many projects have you done in school where everyone contributes? There are shameless lazy bums most in group bigger than 2-3 people. Furthermore, we don't always get to choose the group members. It is assigned.

With your spouse... you choose each other. If you guys want to go separate ways, annul the marriage if both are agreeable with it.

 

[infojunkie]

"To positively impact our husbands, we need to first change our own behaviors to become clear, respectful and positive! When wives act like this, everyone wins!"

this is so albee...

 

[onedergirl]

I can only say that I don't know how the marriage is going to work out with me doing most of the work. From planning and preparation for ROM, to looking for renovation contractors for our new flat, and preparing for the customary (finding venue,getting quotes, and etc...) were mostly done by me. He has to be reminded over and over again and would only do what I needed help on when I get really mad. He is a nice and polite man but he's just not very helpful. Over time his lazy behavior left a deeper impression to me than him being polite and nice. I am upset, depressed, and angry over him. I don't know how much nicer I can be towards him being 'the way he is'. Like I said, it is very hard for me to imagine that i will be happy for the years to come,but I am worried that things would get even more complicated when we have a child.

 

[miloice]

hi, some things to consider...

Let him take some responsibility. Throw to back to him and bring down your expectations. Many times, the wife is too consumed by her own demands and wanting things done her way her schedule. Are these what he wants at all in the 1st place.

How's the communication with him?

This is not a defense for him... just pointing different perspectives.

 

[a_reader]

2 persons in this forum live in fairy tale. One is Scope, one is Albee.

 

[a_reader]

Scope's theory is your marriage fails because you have failed to find the "One".

Albee's theory is you must keep yourself pretty and sexy so that your husband will not stray and want you. Then your marriage will be blissful.

And they both pride themselves that they are able to have blissful marriage, happily ever after.

 

[onedergirl]

Schedule is ours, not just mine. We have a deadline to meet.(Renovation and big day do not wait for you) All these are what he wants, and he wants it more than I do. Problem is he has no sense of urgency and I end up having to do it on my own when he doesn't take necessary action to meet deadline. Communication wise, he seems to agree with most things, however he may tend to procrastinate or leave things hanging without informing me when he's not sure about what to do about it causing delays and me getting really mad at him again. I concluded that he's more of a talker than a do-er. What he really does: play ipad (for the entire weekend)

 

[infojunkie]

nobody hates albee...

cos being sweet is no crime.

albee = LB = Little Babe

 

[inloveandwar]

In this real world,relationship cannot be so clear cut and perfect.

Regards to Albee's theory, a girl dont have to be pretty and sexy, as long as she can make the guy's wrong head stands then she has succeeded in seducing him and making him want to bed with her. How can you prevent him from straying?

Scope's theory - what is the ONE today may not the ONE tomorrow.

No offence to everyone, i am just offering my opinion

 

[onedergirl]

Yes. Sometimes I do feel like I am not the "One" because I failed to motivate him.

By the way Reader, who or what do you mean by Scope and Albee? Milo is Scope (not that I know about that) Albee who? I already mentioned that it was taken from a website.

 

[sgbabydoll]

"He is a nice and polite man but he's just not very helpful."

You probably has mistaken his emotional detachment as nice and polite behaviour.

 

[miloice]

let him face the consequences of missing deadlines. When you are there always to clean his shit, for sure, he becomes even more slack.

My wife is also kan cheong type. Gets stress over deadlines... I enjoy have deadlines to meet and like to schedule many tasks in a day. If I get everything done, its a bonus, if no, its okie, I'm flexible and prioritize the important stuffs. However, she finds it so stress having to do so many things. These activities are not deadlines, its just good if I could completely them all in a day. Life is dynamic, no need to make it so rigid and to plans.

Everyone is different. How much do you really know your partner's nature? If he is laid back, you cannot reprogram him to be someone quicker. Some people have very unrealistic commitments in their planning. After you know their pattern, you just have to cater enough buffer in the schedule.

At the end of the day, you are getting upset and depressed not over the relationship but over doing things. Why marry for? to do 101 things?

 

[inloveandwar]

do you think there is unconditional love in this world? Not ALL mothers will give it to their children, let alone spouses. When young and pretty, guys love you for that and marry you. Your beauty will fade. The KEY is to increase your competitive advantage over other woman. Since you cannot be forever young and pretty, you have to know what your man wants and needs and you provide him that. If he ever wants to cheat, he will think twice about it. He will not want to lose someone so important to him just for a bimbo or cheap thrill.

 

[scopefun]

In Love and War,

That's not my theory, baby...

 

[miloice]

Depends what kind of relationship one is getting into. to me, its damn tragic that the relationship is a battleground. Fight him and fight other women. Some people are comfortable this way.

Not for me. I marry someone I don't want to live without. Someone completely comfortable with. Fully trusting and accepting each other.

 

[onedergirl]

Doll, being friends with him for a very long time before we started dating I know that he's indeed nice and polite. But he is more of those people whom you can be friends with but cannot work with.

 

[inloveandwar]

Scope, gosh, why must you interrupt? I am telling the universal truth about relationship halfway.

 

[a_reader]

onedergirl
If you are long enough in this forum, you will know who are Scope and Albee.

I did not say Milo is Scope.

In love and war hits spot on regarding Albee and Scope's theories.
Regarding Albee's theory - yes, why should it be the wife's responsibility to keep herself pretty and sexy so as to prevent the husband from straying? Why is it that the success of the marriage depends on this ability of the wife? How are you to ensure you forever will be pretty and sexy? Even husbands of pretty wives stray. Even if you can keep yourself pretty and sexy forever, you cannot stop aging. This is one nature's weapon against the wife that nothing the wife can do. The husband plays no part in marriage????

As to Scope's theory, what In love and war said is correct. What is the One today may not be the One tomorrow. But if you have read Scope's posts long enough, he is saying that everyone should find the One to marry. Once you find the One, you will have blissful marriage. If your marriage is not blissful, that's mean you have not found the One. So his logic is like once you have found the One, this person will stay true to you forever and will never stray or have any marital problems. And you will have a blissful marriage. Is this realistic?

Junkie
Nothing wrong about being sweet. No one is against Albee. Just that I think she is being unrealistic. BTW she is a married mother of 2, not a young innocent teenager living in the world of fairy tales. You go read her logic of a blissful marriage. Something like if the husband is unhappy, it is the job of the wife to make him happy, including performing in bed. Then the husband will not stray and you will have a blissful marriage. Even if husband does not stray, there maybe other issues that lead to marital breakdown, which no matter how pretty and sexy you are, it does not help.

 

[onedergirl]

Hey...where is this conversation leading to? Where did that other woman came into the picture? Its becoming a fictional.

 

[infojunkie]

reader,

u read into it too much liao...

think i did a disservice to little babe

 

[soisuka]

In love n war, actually I believe in unconditional love, most of our parents actually love us unconditionally.

Unconditional love doesn't mean they will always agree with you or they won't point out ur mistakes. It doesn't mean they will do everything for u or drop everything they have just to please you.

How many of us rebel or do things that hurt our parents during teenage years and they love us anyway?

And UR assuming men fall in love based only on looks, if u marry based on that, that is already conditional love. Bcos its on the condition that u are pretty, why should any one be surprised if the husband strays when ur no longer pretty.

Sure being good looking has its advantages, u can attract many people, but how many of that is real and how many shallow? I have over the years, found that people I love, grow more beautiful in my eyes bcos I love them as a person. Some people who are not so nice, become uglier in my eyes.

I also think unconditional love between partners is possible, although happiness may or may not be a guarantee, whether the feeling is mutual or not.

 

[onedergirl]

Hmm...after reading so many complicated senarios mentioned above, I m starting to feel much better about my husband. He does not have any expectations for me, never raised his voice at me, accepted me as I am even when I have acne outbreak and doesn't complain about my weight yo-yo. He's just lazy. Got to thank all of you for making me see the bigger picture.

(To you know who you are: Sorry for sharing my problem in your favourite forum)

 

[a_reader]

Junkie
I just find these 2 persons amusing and their posts so entertaining amdist the many sad stories here. They have such unrealistic expectation. Or maybe it is good to be disillusional like both of them in order to boast self-ego?

Onedergirl
Not sure why you share the above tips. Do you think they work? They are so Albee.

 

[sgbabydoll]

"Doll, being friends with him for a very long time before we started dating I know that he's indeed nice and polite. But he is more of those people whom you can be friends with but cannot work with."

Onedergirl, I don't mean to criticise your choice of a husband but I have never been impressed with the so-called nice and polite people in general. At work I would prefer to work with effective and efficient people. If they are also nice and polite, woah, that's a bonus. In relationship, nice and polite is not quality that I will pay special due to. Don't think I have had any chemistry with nice and polite men, preferring men who have an opinion of their own and who know what they want in life.

But since you have brought this up, is this a quality that you consider as important in a spouse?

 

[onedergirl]

Eh...not that I intend to share it as tips but rather to show that I've tried the tips but it didn't quite work. As a woman, of course it doesn't feel nice to read something that says that the 'solution' is to change myself first! But what other options do I have? I mean I already spoke to him many times. : / Western medicine doesn't work, so try eastern lor...

 

[soisuka]

if being lazy is his only flaw...(oh how I wish I could say the same) but anyway ya if that's the only thing...just don't do anything..... Go enjoy ur life like he is not there, like there is no rom, no flat, if he kan cheong, he will step up, if he doesn't....you'll be back here. Although having said that, I have gfs who happily take care of everything, no complains at all, but usually they don't work and the husband just pay. hehe not a bad arrangement ;p

 

[mum_of_2_girls]

Hi onedergirl,

I'm sure you know your hubby's strength. Try to put him in charge of things he is good at.

Don't stress yourself by doing his tasks because you have enough on your hands.

For me, I'm good in sales whereas my hubby is good in DIY. We divide our tasks so as to reduce work load.

Eg. For our rental unit, I will find the tenant and do all the unit-viewings and paperwork with the agent. I will update my hubby and he doesn't have to do anything.

After contract is signed, my hubby will take over from here and be in charge of the renovation
requested by the tenant.

Sometimes, my hubby gets lazy and will ask me to help find renovation quote , make arrangement with contractors etc.

This is what I do to hubby : I told him he is in charge of the reno part bacause I already did the sale part.

If he insists and whines and grumbles, I will smile real-cute and stick out my tongue and say, "I don't know how to do it, do you really want me to deal with the contractor uncles?" and quickly escape to my romance novels ( Just like your hubby playing ipad for entire week).

So in this way my hubby doesn't have a choice, he has to do his part because I really won't do for him, he has to face the consequences for things not done.

I hope maybe you can try this method and all will be well, don't say the word "divorce" easily, this matter is not really so serious if you can handle well.

 

[infojunkie]

dear reader,

we can't change anyone here, but we can change the way we see OR choose not to look (if u dun like)...

sometimes we need to take a step back in order to move forward... that's life

 

[simpleman]

a reader,

I don't think it is fair to say about albee. she may be simplistic but at she is not living in fairy tale. She is happily married with children and quite Ok doing.. What is wrong with being happy? At least she is in happy.. and you could be right. She is really in a fairy tale when other people are still struggling..

 

[a_reader]

If eastern also don't work, try spell, like what other forummers do????

Out of the 4 tips, probably only one is acceptable.

Tip #1 - Be appreciative. This is reasonable. But it has to be both direction. Not one way traffic. If only you appreciate him, but he takes it for granted, will it help in the marriage?

Tip #2 & #3 - Be clear, polite and respectful and set deadlines. Are you dealing with colleagues? Is your home an office? Aren't you handling your home affairs a bit too diplomatic that one may mistake you are talking about dealing with a colleague?

Tip #4 - this is the most Albee. She wants to do this even when she is 70. Realistic?

Marriage is much complicated than looking for a formula / solution. One size does not fit all. But communication is important.

 

[a_reader]

junkie / sm
Nothing against Albee, I also didn't attempt change her. It's just my thoughts about her opinion she has posted in the forum.

 

[soisuka]

I don't think Albee is simplistic la, she is very smart actually. she figured out how to make things work in her marriage and she is happy. But of cos what works for her may not work for everybody.

 

[infojunkie]

aiyah, dun get so personal leh...

 

[simpleman]

a reader,

You were saying she is delusional.. and living in fairy tales.. then what are you living in.

Whatever her methods or her simplistic thoughts. At the very least, she has a happy family with loving husband and enough money to invest in properties etc etc..

Ya. Maybe that is a fairy tale that most other people are striving for? But definitely not delusional.

 

[onedergirl]

Doll, I have really bad temper and if my partner is the same as I am, it wouldn't have make it to the marriage stage. My husband is always patient and nice towards me. I tend to regret after throwing temper at him, but he never got angry with me and would just smile and say its okay. Therefore I got to salute him for being able to stand my chili padi temper. In short, nice and polite are traits that are important to me.

He has his own opinion but he let me have my way most of the time and I feel comfortable with that. (I do double check if he's okay with my choices) He knows what he wants in life and really wants to do it, however come to think about it, I was always the one to make him see the urgency and importance of what needs to be done to achieve his goals. I need him to be more proactive on that and not just talk and plan about it without carrying out the actual work. Alas we didn't get to work together before we got married. Therefore if you were to ask me if I would consider effective and efficient as an important quality, I would have to say yes! who doesn't?

I had a relationship with someone who had alot of opinion of his own, and knew what he wants in life. Being together with him was like everything was all about him. He does things that in his own opinion was right which eventually caused our relationship to come to a sour end. I got to say whatever happened in the past are the key to the factors I look for in my spouse. Didn't see the lazy part until after marriage.

 

[miloice]

onedergirl, it is a good trait to reflect. There are tools to influence, you can use those tips to influence a partner only if its applicable. There isn't a one size fit all. Managing relationships is always an art than a science.

I'm glad that you see a different light towards your situation now. Your contrasting view over your issue now and before precisely shown how emotions are like waves.

Have a good weekend. Cheers.

 

[onedergirl]

@Soisuka: Yes, I do all the work, he pays for everything! I let him do all the financing and accounting part because that's what he does best. But we are doing home reno cum wedding in the same year. 2 big plans without the help of a partner (not jus talking about counting $) can be a nightmare.

@Albee: You are lucky to have a husband who knows how to do some home DIY. My husband is an accounting guy, while I work in harsher environments. Therefore he's more of a talker and I'm more of a do-er. I use more hand tools than he ever did. Its an annoying feeling. But...nvm.

 

[soisuka]

Believe me onedergirl, you're very lucky already

 

[simpleman]

When it comes to rom, renovation, etc etc etc.. the person how has the discipline and expertise should do most or everything of it. Asking the dis-interested and unskilled party to be too involved is not going to be helpful.

As hb & wife, should maximise the strengths of both and not everything must split..

What so difficult about reno cum wedding if finance is not an issue? As long as hubby leaves the decision to you and not complain about you - then it is much easier for one person to handle rather than have 2 having to argue and discuss on every little issue.

 

[simpleman]

What so annoying about being more of a do-er at home. It is just your perception that guys has to be the do-er.. If you don't expect that, and take a step backwards - you will be much happier.. and definitely not annoyed.

 

[onedergirl]

Eh...SM guy. What do you mean by "What's so difficult about reno cum wedding"? You are saying it is very easy to do everything on my own? I'm telling you it is not, which is why I need him to handle some things for me. You sound like those guy who thinks everything is very easy to do. Oh is it because you are also one of the talker? Sounds very much like it. I am curious, have you handled wedding and reno on your own without the help of your partner in the same year?

 

[soisuka]

I think she's just upset that he isn't more interested, after all, both plans concerns the both of them and perhaps she believes in joint decision making.

It depends what type of person her hubby is, is he the 'whatever u choose I will be happy' or is he the 'after u do, he will pick this and that'.

 

[miloice]

onedergirl, i'm the handyman in my family. I have never demanded or expected anyone else to help.

I'm pretty hands on for the entire reno, I did the shoe cabinet and study table from scratch buying plywood and veneer. Also, torched all the doors and frames to remove the lacour and paint by myself, then power sand it before getting my contractor to lacour for me FOC. From concept to design of the entire house, I was fully involved. My hardware tools take up one full high cabinet.

The thing is, we don't just expect our partners to be interested as us.

 

[onedergirl]

Soisuka understands better.

 

[soisuka]

I can vouch for onedergirl reno is tough, I had a gf who only wanted cemented floor, and even something so simple had to be redone several times bcos of screw ups. The husband was away for work so she had to take care of everything. The lucky thing was she doesn't work so she has the time. I think she mentioned that the contractors didn't always take her requests seriously bcos she's female, so when the husband is around, she lets him talk to them.

Which areas of the reno do u find difficult for you? Are there areas that u think he can handle better than you that perhaps he can take over?

 

[onedergirl]

Milo, there is a difference between initiative and being interested to help your wife because she asked you for help. It wouldn't sound right for a husband to say to his wife who asked for help, "I'm not interested. Can't help. Sorry".

 

[simpleman]

onedergirl,

Yes, I handled my wedding and house renovation - a major renovation involving contractors + interior designer - all by myself. I am actually the project manager as my main contractor and interior designer are from 2 different companies. It is not that difficult but of course you prefer someone to "share the burder" but for me I think it is easier for one person to handle as long as the other party don't have too many opinions. The difficult part about handling things is when there are too many opinions and preferences - and definitely not in the work at all.

These things are not really that difficult to handle - it is just that we want our other half to show interest and be part of it that we are frustrated. But it is just a mental thing, an expectation, a desire - that we can psychologically change it by not expecting it.

If you guy is not so much interested in the wedding - it will be.. you can't force too much. A wedding is a one-off event.

 

[simpleman]

onedergirl, I also understand where you are coming from.. but seriously you don't understand where I am coming from. I just reminding you to temper your expectation.. if you don't expect much (if you are able to handle it) then you wont' be disappointed.