Lazy Husband

If you want to continue to expect "your lazy husband" to show more interest and be very proactive in your wedding cum reno.. you will be more disappointed - that is all.

there is one way to do it.. that is to plan and to assign tasks to him and then track him.. You end up doing more work but if that makes you happy.. why not..
 


huh sm u took care of wedding too? Tats v rare, usually the woman want to decide the wedding...and sometimes reno too...hehe if its me, I just want the guy to pay and don't complain abt the cost hahaha
 
SM, you sound like u have experience in project management prior to your house reno. Experience in such things would have made your job a breeze. True, you can never force interest into a person and I am probably the only one between me and my husband to see the urgency to confirm the renovation plan and get it renovated by June/July. Its all in my head. I won't force him to ask his parents about when they are free to go for the food tasting, and probably should do it on my own and I won't need to wait for him to confirm the total number of people from his side attending the wedding. I'll just give an estimation to the hotel and let him pay off all the lost (if any). Forgot to buy bottles of wine and don't know how many to buy for the wedding also never mind. Its just a one off event. Not a bad idea. Why should I make my life so difficult by asking him for what he is not interested in. Idea!
 
Onedergirl

The picture you painted of your husband gets more "distorted" each time you added another post, but glad that you are beginning to do some self-reflection too.

Do you feel you are not appreciated, and therefore, the mounting frustration?

I was once married and along the way I learned not to expect my spouse to be as enthusiastic as I was in certain level of cleanliness and tidiness at home. There were conflicts initially with regard to cleaning the home but later on house chore was outsourced to a part-time domestic cleaner once a week and I also did cleaning myself once a week. I was happy in this aspect at least. The marriage eventually broke down not because of this.
 
Sounds like there are bigger issues besides being disinterested...things like total number of pp, food tasting shld be quite easily settled no??
 
No Doll, can't u see I was jus trying to be sarcastic in my respond to a particular person? the picture is only distorted because I put my situation in their so called 'easy way' to finish the job on my own.
 
Temperament wise, I don't believe that just because you have a bad temper means it is necessary that you are complemented by someone who is pleasant natured. Such a combination may or may not work. Sometimes the bad tempered party becomes worse in temperament because the nicer spouse always gives in to him/her, regardless of whether it is a reasonable thing to do.

In this regard, I would prefer that my partner is a reasonable person instead of just being nice and polite all the time.
 
I have a qn, in the 10 yrs when u were just friends, was he lazy? And then the 3 yrs dating was he lazy? Or is this something that happened after u got married?
 
Let's jus say I do not throw my temper at him with no valid reason. He would often have a thought about what I said to him and admits when he knows he's at fault. Therefore do not conclude that he is not a reasonable person.
 
Now that you know he is such a man. What do you do? Some forummers already told you that it is not practical to expect him to change over a new leaf. In fact, the next best thing to do if you still want to stay married is to change your perspective of him, and stop being so negative.
 
Soisuka, 10 years of friendship, we only meet outside mostly with a group of friends, or when there is only the 2 of us on a date, we would be outside too. So there's no way to tell that he's lazy. Friend wise, he's always there to be a listening ear or someone always available to go hang out with you. 3 yrs of dating also mostly going out. But during dating, I realized he likes to sleep alot and is addicted to his blizzard game. Not much discovery of his procrastination problem until when we were about to ROM. U_U
 
Does he like initiates dates etc....or suggests things to do when u were friends/dating... in another words, does he seem to have an enthusiasm for life and for u
 
Hi onedergirl,

Your hubby has ipad to help him relax.
For me, it's romance books and drama shows.
What about yourself?

Since money not a problem, why don't you outsource? You can get a Wedding Planner or some Jie Mei or Xiong Di to help out, if your hubby really just want to do accounting stuff only and nothing else.

My hubby doesn't like to do household chores at all and he doesn't like me to do too much either as I'm a working lady too. So he outsource and get a maid.

Solution : Divide the tasks, if not outsource.
 
Well I can only say that I'll see how things would go as I move on. Would jus do my part and not bother about anything else. If things are okay, then great. If it doesn't work out, talk. When all else fails, can't work out, can't change him and should not expect him to change, I wouldn't make my own life difficult.
 
Dun understand y hubby and wife run like doing chores. My hubby and I both like doing chores cos we take pride in keeping our house clean and we have an unspoken arrangement on how we go abt doing it.
 
@soisuka: when we first travelled together he didn't wan to do much. Not very accommodating. 2nd trip on wards he was very accommodating and dare to explore and be adventurous. Traveling with him is great. Love traveling with him.
 
I think ur hubby sounds ok la, it sounds like its a case of different temperament, u being the do-er, him being the slacker. How about u try being the slacker for a while and see if things improve? It could be just a case of being too comfortable with you always picking up the slack.

I'm very lazy w housework too, I always leave my drink on the tea table. My dad used to always wash it for me, now he's v smart, if its a disposable drink, haven't finish, he'll throw away, if its in a cup, he'll pour it away. hahaha
 
@Albee: we r not rich people u know? Still got to control our budget.

@Denise80: u cant compare Doing chores with a totally different thing. Not a very well illustrated comparison. He does help out with house hold chores. Congrats that u are so fortunate to have a very automatic and committed husband.
 
@soisuka: I like u the best! :D you totally understood what I was saying. I ever thought of your suggestion and even did it before. Ended up with 2 slackers gaming away the weekend on iPad. U_U!!! Lol
 
Actually nothing to congrats. Before I marry him, I already know what kind of person he is and that's y I marry him. No one is perfect. Ask urself if u can live with it. That's more impt. Anyway I'm just sharing. Not prescribing anything or imposing any thoughts.
 
Ondergirl, you keep coming to his defence and countering the negative points we make about your husband. My conclusion is: You are merely ranting. I do not think you are seriously considering your marriage like you made us believe in your first post.

You can either slack alongside him and outsource everything that can be outsourced, or just keep quiet and do his share.
 
Actually modern technology is not ruining our lives. The lack of self-discipline by human beings caused their own downfall. My hubby and I also play games but our communication is not compromised. What needs to be done is done. I don't have this problem because before marriage, I already know what kind of a person he is unless he changes after marriage which I'm very thankful he didn't. During dating period, he already showed some good qualities such as coming to my place to help clean my room. I'm more tardy than he is. After marriage, he just makes me want to be a better person so I joined him in the chores and don't mind doing it because we both love our nest and each time we help one another, we feel good about it.

Onedergirl, was your hubby already a 'lazy' person before marriage? If you already know he's like that, then all these should be within your expectations?
 
I do not counter everything. Some things I agree, but what's not true, I defend. Most post were against me anyway. Some posts were helpful, some were to brag and rub salt, and some that just doesn't link. Therefore I've got to filter the unnecessary and only use the helpful suggestions to help me save the my relationship. Strangely some posts that strayed out of topic like women has to remain sexy and beautiful and husband having another woman reminded me that there are actually many other good points about him which I have forgotten over a period of time. Because of that I feel it should be worth for me to be more patient with him.
 
To the people who are happily married or attached...and have been in this forum for years...May I just ask why are u still here? I'm just curious...
 
Very simple for me. Life is not always a bed of roses. There r ups and downs. If I have been thru certain experiences and feel that I've seen the 'light', I feel like sharing so that others can see it too. I love reading and contributing my views to forums, not just this one. Ppl dun just come here bcos they have problems. Neither do I see the need to boast or gloat over others' misfortunes. Besides, reading the views of another equally disgruntled woman is not going to give u balanced viewpoints for reflection. Best to keep an open mind and heart.
 
I haven't read all ur posts, I haven't been here long (hopefully this isn't permanent either), so I dunno ur history...can to share what were the experiences that made u see the 'light'?
 
"Milo, there is a difference between initiative and being interested to help your wife because she asked you for help. It wouldn't sound right for a husband to say to his wife who asked for help, "I'm not interested. Can't help. Sorry".

hi, sometimes, my wife does exactly that... she gets all kan cheong and overwhelmed all the many task she gave herself. She seems so engrossed in it, I just let her be. After sometime, she got angry on why I'm slacking and not helping.

Then, I just go to her, give her a hug asking her to relax and tell me what is her plan. Why is she rushing? After which, I simply helped her prioritize and postpone the trivial stuffs. I see one stressed rodent running up and down, I'm not going to join her and be another stressed rodent rushing for nothing. I don't enjoy rushing for nothing. One can help not simply by following instructions or fulfilling your expectations. The outcome, a much more relaxed and happy wife. The same woman that had no time for me, showed me black face is much more in the mood to enjoy quality time together with me now.

Point is, don't lose focus. Enjoy each other company while living together. How to last a life time being so uptight with tasks and schedule? Don't fight over such things. If you take steps to rethink like what you have done now... Often, you will realize many things that frustrated you initially is really no big deal. Not perfect in your perspective but its okie.

Everyone has their own choice and preference on how to kill time and wind down.

Lastly, whatever tips you read and try to apply, you gotta focus on the both of you... the relationship rather than the method. Those tips you wrote, it isn't really impractical. Just needing to have the right attitude towards it, these are merely tools to help you guys have a smooth and effective communication... You need to enjoy the process. If you go through it with pain, the effectiveness will be limited or backfire.

Think about it, being clear, polite and respectful in your communication.... if you try to watch every word you say and be as politically correct, it is going to so fake and unnatural. Rather, just be loving but at the same time straight forward, it would achieve the objective.
 
" Strangely some posts that strayed out of topic like women has to remain sexy and beautiful and husband having another woman reminded me that there are actually many other good points about him which I have forgotten over a period of time. Because of that I feel it should be worth for me to be more patient with him."

I don't find it strange at all that you came to this because it's very typical of women to compare with and benchmark against others' relationship.

Good for you if that's an answer to your issue with a lazy husband. Must say "I should feel so lucky" is not every woman's way of resolving relationship or marital conflicts. Some will call a spade a spade while not condemning it.

No matter what, self-reflection is a very powerful thing that one shouldn't miss.
 
Mirror,

Not every woman does that. Love is about accepting the good and bad.

Yawn...

Doll is talking about self-reflection. Now how many chaps in this forum will self-reflect? LOL~
 
I absolutely don't know, that's why I ask. I was getting it all until that sentence....haha sorry poor comprehension.
 
Is it because a spade carries some negative connotations for you?

We should be honest with ourselves. If the marriage is in a certain state or the spouse behaves in a certain way, it is what it is. From there we explore what we can do, whether to adjust our expectation, change our mindset, and/or ask the spouse to try to make some changes.

One of the no-no's of comparing and benchmarking is you look outside and not within, whether it is within yourself, the state of your marriage or your spouse. Not a long-term view and the issue will come back to you sooner or later.
 
Orh...ok get it....ya I think maybe it has negative connotations for me....the wonder of words....haha thanks doll!
 
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