Is he serious about me?

[strawberrymilkshake]

I think I've been spending too much time thinking of whether it'll work out between us

4 months ago, R appeared in my life. And I immediately had a crush on him. But due to professional reasons, I only dared to admire him from afar. We finally started chatting with each other about 7-8 weeks ago, mostly IM sessions. And about 6 weeks ago, we met one-on-one for the first time. After we're done talking about what was planned, we started talking about other random stuff, like our hobbies and ambitions.

I shall add, at this point, that I'm currently attached, but i think my relationship with my bf isn't really going anywhere and we've been drifting apart for a few months (before R appeared), but neither of us are willing to confront the issue. So R knows that I have a bf, but I hinted that we're not working out. Towards the end of the conversation, R asked if I want to be friends. I got a little shy and didn't dare to answer him at first. Anyway, as our conversation got more friendly, he started having physical contact with me, like playfully hitting my shoulder and tugging at my jacket (we were barely 15cm apart). And that was when my barrier broke down and I hugged him. He reciprocated.

After that incident, we continued IM-ing each other, even during the period of time when he went overseas for a couple of weeks. And throughout the IM sessions, he said stuff like he misses me, likes me, and calls me "sweetie". He even expressed interest in my religion (though he said he don't think he'll ever convert) and asked me to tell him more. But of course we addressed the more serious issues as well. There are currently 3 main barriers between us, and he had already mentioned about them during our first one-on-one meeting. And I'm aware of them as well. Now the thing is I'm wondering how serious he is about me, despite these barriers. 1) we're not exactly allowed to date each other (for now) due to professional reasons, 2) we come from very different cultures (even if he said he's not very serious about his religion, we're still very different!) - he's a Caucasian btw - but I have to clarify that I've never liked any White men until I met him, 3) unresolved issues with my bf.

I guess the reason I was attracted to him was bcoz of his charisma and intellect, as well as his ambitious nature, on top on the unexplainable feelings that send butterflies in my stomach. And I suspect that he likes me for a similar reason. In case it's of any relevance, he's about 5 yrs older than me.

But recently we haven't been talking as he said he's bogged down by work (and I believe him, as I understand what's required of him in his industry). It's been a week since our last IM. I can't help but wonder if he's avoiding me, or if he's taking the time to ponder about the barriers that we're aware both of, or that he is *just* busy. During our last IM, he told me that he's not purposely not replying because sometimes it's just on and he's not around. And he even sent an email to me later that night to apologize.

I'm sorry for the longwinded post. I'm just so confused now. What is he thinking about? Is he serious? Should I stop thinking about him already?

 

[blingbride]

I am not exactly fit to advice but I guess I should be right to claim that none of us here can judge the truth on what exactly is this 'R' thinking and feeling.... Nevertheless, first and foremost I think it's basic respect to your current bf and relationship to end it amicably and move on totally to find new romance elsewhere rather then keeping him(bf) in the dark while you are drifting away from him.

Well, your relationship may appear dead and pointless to you and give you the reason to move on but your bf may not necessarily feel the same way. You could hurt him deeply if he were to find this out later on. As you sound so, your relationship is not going anywhere and you have 'lost it'.. so why be in it and prolong it? Firstly settle scores with your current relationship and bf, be fair to him on account of the times you shared. Then, ask yourself what you need or WHO you need in your life now and make any moves after you know what exactly you want..

Just a reminder: Dont leave the one you love for the one you like cos the one you like may leave you for the one he/she loves.

 

[infojunkie]

pls make a clean break from ur "bf" b4 u decide what to do wif the new squeeze, ... as it is pretty clear that the former is out of the picture already, why waste precious time?

 

[strawberrymilkshake]

Hmm I agree about the clean break with current bf part. I've been approaching the topic with him, but don't want to make it too dramatic. He's a nice guy, I really don't wanna hurt him badly

It's just that I knew him when I was still this ignorant teenager who doesn't know what she wants, and now we're on very different tracks. I really don't know if it can still work out between us due to our very different outlooks in life, different goals and priorities. I certainly don't wanna lose him as a friend, but I don't know how well it'd work out to be

 

[blingbride]

No point keeping your 'what ifs' to yourself and trying to feel and think for him. You have to give him a chance to speak his part and you to voice yourself out to him and come to an understanding and agreement. Hopefully he feels the same way you do and you guys can amicably part without guilt and shame... Do be considerate and choose your words when you voice out your outlook on the relationship though.. it can blow a person away when he has been living with this belief and dream in his head all this years with you and hearing you pouring out all your unhappiness and issues that he may never have expected of you.. Hope you get what I mean...

 

[mr_homelook_er]

be glad that there's some1 in your life to share your emotions with. others are just so lonely. . . stay happy always

 

[tomasulu]

be careful of the guy who initiates (successfully) physical contact on the first date.

 

[powder]

ichigo,

"He's a nice guy, I really don't wanna hurt him badly"

- u know... i dun know how u can breakup amicably or nicely or sweetly or softly or blah blah blah... i have no idea why some pple think that their partners will be devasted, or Bother about the devastation when u're gonna break up.

if u dun wanna spend the rest of your life with him, why drag into christmas, then new year, and totally fcuk-up the possible rebounds he can have over the festive period with other pple? why go thru those periods with him thinking he's spending with someone special, when your heart isn't even there.

and then drag it on over CNY...

u care abt his feelings, but dun give a damn abt wasting his freakin time... TIME is more important than anything u think is important.

i wish pple would stop envisioning themselves and placing themselves High thinking that they are very thoughtful, when they are simply selfish with very poor thinking.

breakup with your bfren and stop wasting his time n youth n taking away more than u should. it is OK to breakup, it is OK to not love him anymore, it is NOT OK to hide here hide there to find the right time...

worst is - u yourself undecided and try to play it safe...

 

[tomasulu]

damn right. if you think of yourself an adult and not the ignorant teenager you said you were, you'd pull the trigger on your current flame. you know adults do what's difficult but necessary right?

 

[thommy]

u are really goddamn selfish. u want to have ur cake and eat it too. get out of this mess before it messes up ur life and others.

 

[alcifertoh]

Actually you should have left your guy with or without R if the both of you had never intend to work on it.

 

[powder]

tell me abt it... there's always pple who for some reason, think that breaking up requires a good time, then they try to go thru this bday first, that period first... and feel that their partners will be devastated... i can understand finding the right time, but having some are purely procrastinating it for reasons that are Hidden, which only they themselves know why.

 

[funtasty_funtasty]

"but i think my relationship with my bf isn't really going anywhere and we've been drifting apart for a few months (before R appeared), but neither of us are willing to confront the issue. So R knows that I have a bf, but I hinted that we're not working out."

I feel, you have already given this relationship a death sentence when you did that. Since both of you have not discussed on this drifting apart issue, how could you just tell someone whom you have immediate crush that your current relationship is not working out? Are you giving any chance to your boyfriend at all?

 

[cuclainne]

it's called infatuation. make sure the feeling is mutual and not one-sided ..

 

[infojunkie]

it's really the fear of ending up alone...

 

[sgbabydoll]

You want a smooth transition from one relationship to another. That's really ambitious, you know.

If your relationship with bf is dead, end it as soon as possible.

If you are interested in R, make friends with him first and date casually. Let his behaviour and action tell you if he's serious about you, and if you two are compatible. Do not rely on words alone.

 

[mark78]

agreed with junkie, ts wanted compansionship so much that she rather jump boat. Well TS, good for you to be so honest. but jumping from one boat to another don u think u belittle RS? is rs becoming a social affair to you?

 

[strawberrymilkshake]

finally talked to the (ex)bf (don't know how to term it for now) yesterday about our differences and said we probably won't end up together, and maybe we should not waste any more time on a relationship that's going nowhere. he sounded unusually calm. maybe the past few weeks of hinting worked.. maybe he's seen it coming... he said "anything". and it stops there... i hope it will remain calm like this... I really think he's a really nice guy and hope that we can remain on talking terms.

 

[tomasulu]

i like that you didn't sugarcoat why you wanted the break up. neither did you sledgehammer and destroy his dignity. you should be proud of the way you've handled this.