sgbabydoll
Active Member
Grey, your close male friend didn't invite you to his wedding whereby you would have met his wife instead?
In LOVE with a married man
- Thread starter sad_gal82
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simpleman,
see...she's subtlely giving reassurance to you by telling you her dates ..that's sweet of her.. that's why you feel comfortable her dating guys... i guess if she hide things behind your back, you will think otherwise, may be a bit of jealousy? haha..
and also, i think you're kind of mentally prepared in case your relationship doesn't turn out well in the end...so, all this put you at ease in this relationship..
see...she's subtlely giving reassurance to you by telling you her dates ..that's sweet of her.. that's why you feel comfortable her dating guys... i guess if she hide things behind your back, you will think otherwise, may be a bit of jealousy? haha..
and also, i think you're kind of mentally prepared in case your relationship doesn't turn out well in the end...so, all this put you at ease in this relationship..
grey,
She used to hide and told me lies.. but after I found out.. I told her it is ok.. no need to lie.. she can date..
Am happy if she can really find someone better because I am not very optimistic about our future..
Maybe I am a bit fatalistic.. but I am also realistic ..
She used to hide and told me lies.. but after I found out.. I told her it is ok.. no need to lie.. she can date..
Am happy if she can really find someone better because I am not very optimistic about our future..
Maybe I am a bit fatalistic.. but I am also realistic ..
sgbabydoll
Active Member
Grey, you feel that there is no need to tell your partner who you go out with is not the same as "hiding things behind his back".
I share SM's view on relationship. Today I am with my partner and we are happy being together. We're together because we like each other, enjoy spending time together and discovering more about the other person. We don't talk or meet X times per week just because we are bf and gf, and therefore must commit the effort. In fact, we don't even give this relationship a status, but we know we're together, an item.
But anything can happen tomorrow. I may lose him to someone better, his work, his daughter, anything. I believe he shares the same view. We focus on today and if today we are happily together it's likely that we can be happily together tomorrow and many days to come.
I share SM's view on relationship. Today I am with my partner and we are happy being together. We're together because we like each other, enjoy spending time together and discovering more about the other person. We don't talk or meet X times per week just because we are bf and gf, and therefore must commit the effort. In fact, we don't even give this relationship a status, but we know we're together, an item.
But anything can happen tomorrow. I may lose him to someone better, his work, his daughter, anything. I believe he shares the same view. We focus on today and if today we are happily together it's likely that we can be happily together tomorrow and many days to come.
"We focus on today and if today we are happily together it's likely that we can be happily together tomorrow and many days to come."
doll, ha ha.. that is very optimistic of you.
For me I think today we are happy.. it is good enough... if tomorrow not happy... then go separate ways.. I never think today happy, tomorrow happy and many days to come.. ha ha
doll, ha ha.. that is very optimistic of you.
For me I think today we are happy.. it is good enough... if tomorrow not happy... then go separate ways.. I never think today happy, tomorrow happy and many days to come.. ha ha
sgbabydoll
Active Member
SM, I said "likely", not "surely" haha
sgbabydoll
Active Member
Grey, I feel there's no need to give so much weight to the typical third party (another man or lady). These days the third party can be work, a hobby, a dream, an enlightenment, family or anything.
i'm similar to sm on the 3rd-party view... if it happens, it's simply becos i didn't do enough... cos i know the partners i choose well enough to know that they are good pple. if anyone is to be blamed it's alway ME first...
i also do not believe in possession, be it steady relationships, engagement or marriages. we NEVER own pple's hearts nor minds... if we dun own pple, we can't lose pple... we simply fall out of favour. as to why - ask ourselves again.
some pple think that it's becos i dun love enough... i think the pple saying that love themselves Way Too Much to be hurt by others... it's an unending argument. i dun like to protect myself from hurt, i find it limits my ability to love to the fullest... i'd hate to be compulsively making sure i dun get hurt... then live life for wat?
i also do not believe in possession, be it steady relationships, engagement or marriages. we NEVER own pple's hearts nor minds... if we dun own pple, we can't lose pple... we simply fall out of favour. as to why - ask ourselves again.
some pple think that it's becos i dun love enough... i think the pple saying that love themselves Way Too Much to be hurt by others... it's an unending argument. i dun like to protect myself from hurt, i find it limits my ability to love to the fullest... i'd hate to be compulsively making sure i dun get hurt... then live life for wat?
grey,
I just want to be happy. Bitterness will never bring happiness.
And I have examples to set for my children. I want them to grow up happy and not with bitterness and resentment..
If am bitter about my failed-marriage or my wife.. you can imagine my children.
If fact my children are bitter .. and I took great pain and go to great lengths to correct their approach.. if I cannot set an example and be gracious.. how do you the think children will behave?
I just want to be happy. Bitterness will never bring happiness.
And I have examples to set for my children. I want them to grow up happy and not with bitterness and resentment..
If am bitter about my failed-marriage or my wife.. you can imagine my children.
If fact my children are bitter .. and I took great pain and go to great lengths to correct their approach.. if I cannot set an example and be gracious.. how do you the think children will behave?
sgbabydoll
Active Member
"Doll, hope u understand now my rationale. In fact, u r not alone. My wife did commented on why I needed to sound others off my intentions. For me, its clear, I don't leave things to guesses. Its better to be stupid or arward then mistaken."
Hi Milo, if you don't ever see the person again I guess you can be blunt or whatsoever. But we need to exercise more caution when he/she is someone you do come into contact with from time to time. Could be your colleague, client or business associate. Can't afford to make him/her lose face or feel shamed mah. Who knows, next time you may get the person as your boss or you may need a favour from him/her. Well, I still believe that somethings are better left unsaid.
Hi Milo, if you don't ever see the person again I guess you can be blunt or whatsoever. But we need to exercise more caution when he/she is someone you do come into contact with from time to time. Could be your colleague, client or business associate. Can't afford to make him/her lose face or feel shamed mah. Who knows, next time you may get the person as your boss or you may need a favour from him/her. Well, I still believe that somethings are better left unsaid.
powder,
hahah..yeah, so true "Spite does nothing except applying temporary plaster for bruised egoes"... but sometimes some people just has to go through this phase because it's part of their healing process.. some people naturally skip this (like SM) while some naturally feel spiteful..just like some people cried and mourn when a love one pass away, some people don't..
hahah..yeah, so true "Spite does nothing except applying temporary plaster for bruised egoes"... but sometimes some people just has to go through this phase because it's part of their healing process.. some people naturally skip this (like SM) while some naturally feel spiteful..just like some people cried and mourn when a love one pass away, some people don't..
doll,
yeah, must be tactful but sometimes you just have to do it if things gets out of hand.. it happen to me once when a male friend of mine started to show signs of wooing me.. despite all the strong hints i dropped along the way, he still continue to be sooo nice to me and ask me out..so, in the end, i have no choice but to start avoiding him.. i feel so bad but no choice lah.. after things cooled down, i emailed him to apologize for my sudden behaviour and told him why i avoided him.. so, from then onwards, we do not feel awkward anymore and start talking again..some years later, he even invited me to his wedding!
yeah, must be tactful but sometimes you just have to do it if things gets out of hand.. it happen to me once when a male friend of mine started to show signs of wooing me.. despite all the strong hints i dropped along the way, he still continue to be sooo nice to me and ask me out..so, in the end, i have no choice but to start avoiding him.. i feel so bad but no choice lah.. after things cooled down, i emailed him to apologize for my sudden behaviour and told him why i avoided him.. so, from then onwards, we do not feel awkward anymore and start talking again..some years later, he even invited me to his wedding!
end of the day i think we really need to Respect Life... respect our Own lives, our own future, our own Lifetime happiness...
it's not really tough to figure tat the 'happiness' from spite or vengence is temporary and might create lifetime Regrets. end of the day, pple just love themselves too much, and think it's becos they love their partners too much. tat's a self-deception pple dun wanna uncover...
how different would that be from the terrorists and extremists who try to control the world by instilling fear and forcing their way thru on their preferences? how different is that from the reactions of these groups who Instead of going the right way, go the left way...
a badly-reacting spurned partner is no different from a terrorist.
there's better causes to focus our lives on...
it's not really tough to figure tat the 'happiness' from spite or vengence is temporary and might create lifetime Regrets. end of the day, pple just love themselves too much, and think it's becos they love their partners too much. tat's a self-deception pple dun wanna uncover...
how different would that be from the terrorists and extremists who try to control the world by instilling fear and forcing their way thru on their preferences? how different is that from the reactions of these groups who Instead of going the right way, go the left way...
a badly-reacting spurned partner is no different from a terrorist.
there's better causes to focus our lives on...
sgbabydoll
Active Member
Grey, I think some people like yourself and Milo have the need in you to want to draw the line clearly or make a stance directly on such things. Well, nothing wrong with that. But it's more for yourself and not so much for fear of misleading the other person. Just like for myself, I don't feel the need to draw the line, more for myself than anyone.
Ask you a question - Are you easily infactuated with people?
Ask you a question - Are you easily infactuated with people?
doll,
are you easily infatuate with people? haha..your question caught me off guard.. never ask myself this question before.. not because i never got infatuated with people but when you say easily, was trying to think how to grade that? i think infatuation just happen and it did to me a few times.. but not to any tom dick and harry hor.. does that mean i'm easily infatuated? but i do not let myself indulge too much in it as it nothing will happen at the end of the day..just admire the person and after a while, i notice the feeling is gone... i think it's self discipline...haha..
i'm think I’m someone who care too much how people feel..like I care how my close guy friend’s wife feel if I ask him out..just don’t want her to get the wrong idea.. and I hurt my hubby (bf then) once by having a minor crush on someone (nothing happen though) and i saw the pain from his eyes and felt like a stab in my chest.. so from then onwards, i know the need to draw the line between the opposite sex in certain circumstances and i don't believe in sharing my problem with the opposite sex no matter what….i will either resolve it myself, read the forum or talk to gfs..
are you easily infatuate with people? haha..your question caught me off guard.. never ask myself this question before.. not because i never got infatuated with people but when you say easily, was trying to think how to grade that? i think infatuation just happen and it did to me a few times.. but not to any tom dick and harry hor.. does that mean i'm easily infatuated? but i do not let myself indulge too much in it as it nothing will happen at the end of the day..just admire the person and after a while, i notice the feeling is gone... i think it's self discipline...haha..
i'm think I’m someone who care too much how people feel..like I care how my close guy friend’s wife feel if I ask him out..just don’t want her to get the wrong idea.. and I hurt my hubby (bf then) once by having a minor crush on someone (nothing happen though) and i saw the pain from his eyes and felt like a stab in my chest.. so from then onwards, i know the need to draw the line between the opposite sex in certain circumstances and i don't believe in sharing my problem with the opposite sex no matter what….i will either resolve it myself, read the forum or talk to gfs..
sgbabydoll
Active Member
Grey, thanks for being forthright. So, my guess was right haha. I am the complete opposite of you. I don't crush on people (save for those crushes happened in teens) and it requires no self-discipline at all. If there's a guy who keeps wanting to hang out with me, I won't think much and will hang out with him if and when I have time. And I treat everyone somewhat the same. I guess I would know when a particular person likes me or my company, but I won't naturally think that he wants a relationship with me. So, that's OK mah and guess that's why I am totally comfortable leaving things in the grey.
tat's tough man... if i ask my lady frens out i still have to consider their hubby/bfren's feelings?? i think my lady frens know how to manage their own relationships and dun need me to think for them. if frens can't keep in contact when they are attached then seriously What is left in this world but simply partner/work/family?
this is like taking English and needing to stop taking Mandarin. taking Piano and needing to stop guitar. eating food but not having drinks.
i guess grey... we'll never be frens. it's too painful to simply have coffee... your husband will feel hurt, u will worry, i will feel - WTF??? and all tat should transpire is a coffee session to catchup, unwind and chat abt life with input from other perspectives...
i believe it's one's own demons at work. If i'm going out with a girl who's totally a fren and there's no romantic inclinations... i wouldn't even need to worry abt my wife's feelings... i'll just tell her i'm meeting Doll for dinner and she'll ok "orh". i'll be pissing Doll off if i have to make it clear that we're just meeting for dinner and nothing more... she'll go "WTF???" and probably call off the whole dinner and never wanna speak to me again.
i think some pple make frenship very difficult becos they have problems with going out with the opposite gender without a hooha.
ps: so can i summarise that the problem ultimately lies with the person rejecting for fear of misleading?
this is like taking English and needing to stop taking Mandarin. taking Piano and needing to stop guitar. eating food but not having drinks.
i guess grey... we'll never be frens. it's too painful to simply have coffee... your husband will feel hurt, u will worry, i will feel - WTF??? and all tat should transpire is a coffee session to catchup, unwind and chat abt life with input from other perspectives...
i believe it's one's own demons at work. If i'm going out with a girl who's totally a fren and there's no romantic inclinations... i wouldn't even need to worry abt my wife's feelings... i'll just tell her i'm meeting Doll for dinner and she'll ok "orh". i'll be pissing Doll off if i have to make it clear that we're just meeting for dinner and nothing more... she'll go "WTF???" and probably call off the whole dinner and never wanna speak to me again.
i think some pple make frenship very difficult becos they have problems with going out with the opposite gender without a hooha.
ps: so can i summarise that the problem ultimately lies with the person rejecting for fear of misleading?
actually i thought this only happens with the single gals... that is wat cheeses me off more than anything else... it's THEM thinking they need to draw a clear line, and worry that they will mislead me... when all i want is to just go out. we're so full of ourselves and thinking that other pple have this motive that motive...
but if we're interested, we'd WISH they ask us out. the double-standards is so obvious yet pple dun even admit to themselves...
isit any wonder that some pple are very Poor when it comes to having frens? isit any wonder that when some spouses die, their partners are left lonely in this world? isit any wonder why most ladies tend to be so dedicated to their relationships and totally forsake frenships once they're attached/married/have children?
cannot take it...
but if we're interested, we'd WISH they ask us out. the double-standards is so obvious yet pple dun even admit to themselves...
isit any wonder that some pple are very Poor when it comes to having frens? isit any wonder that when some spouses die, their partners are left lonely in this world? isit any wonder why most ladies tend to be so dedicated to their relationships and totally forsake frenships once they're attached/married/have children?
cannot take it...
sgbabydoll
Active Member
"i'll be pissing Doll off if i have to make it clear that we're just meeting for dinner and nothing more... she'll go "WTF???" and probably call off the whole dinner and never wanna speak to me again."
Yah, don't ever spell it out cos I will think you're damn extra and juvenile to the extreme.
Reminds me of one guy who recently asked me out for dinner and went, "hey, I am not going after you ok". I said, "OK!" but I made sure that the dinner appointment never materialise cos I don't think we could even communicate on the same level.
Yah, don't ever spell it out cos I will think you're damn extra and juvenile to the extreme.
Reminds me of one guy who recently asked me out for dinner and went, "hey, I am not going after you ok". I said, "OK!" but I made sure that the dinner appointment never materialise cos I don't think we could even communicate on the same level.
haha sori, used your nick out of convenience...
but tat's the thing... i mean i know u, laundee and a few other ladies here... if i ask u out and i have to make it clear - i'm insulting your intelligence. u'll know if i'm interested in u in a romantic way... and if i find tat i like u, then i'd be interested in having a longterm frenship with u... likewise if u tell me u're attached or in a serious relationship, i'll feel insulted. u mean Frenship isn't in your course of Life??
maybe it's me. the rest of the world only exist for relationships of the romantic kind...
but tat's the thing... i mean i know u, laundee and a few other ladies here... if i ask u out and i have to make it clear - i'm insulting your intelligence. u'll know if i'm interested in u in a romantic way... and if i find tat i like u, then i'd be interested in having a longterm frenship with u... likewise if u tell me u're attached or in a serious relationship, i'll feel insulted. u mean Frenship isn't in your course of Life??
maybe it's me. the rest of the world only exist for relationships of the romantic kind...
sgbabydoll
Active Member
"haha sori, used your nick out of convenience..."
Haha, I thought you interested in me leh. Eh, you not scared your wife read liao get angry meh? Wait, I got bf liao and I'm very in love with him hor. I can't have dinner with you cos I'll be dining with him haha
If one dinner meet-up can become so complicated I really rather not go.
Haha, I thought you interested in me leh. Eh, you not scared your wife read liao get angry meh? Wait, I got bf liao and I'm very in love with him hor. I can't have dinner with you cos I'll be dining with him haha
If one dinner meet-up can become so complicated I really rather not go.
i scared later u misunderstand that of all the names... i used yours cos i'm interested in u. pls hor, i not interested in u romantically ok?
can u acknowledge that u have read my post and u're fully aware of my intentions before i post to u directly again? just to make things clear...
(ps: i think even reading this, even if it's a fun post... u will feel slightly perturbed rite? - tell me if i'm wrong)
can u acknowledge that u have read my post and u're fully aware of my intentions before i post to u directly again? just to make things clear...
(ps: i think even reading this, even if it's a fun post... u will feel slightly perturbed rite? - tell me if i'm wrong)
sgbabydoll
Active Member
"(ps: i think even reading this, even if it's a fun post... u will feel slightly perturbed rite? - tell me if i'm wrong)"
Slightly perturbed is an understatement. Actually, I wanna puke instead haha
Slightly perturbed is an understatement. Actually, I wanna puke instead haha
sgbabydoll
Active Member
*End of experiment* haha
powder,
you misunderstood me... i never stay strictly no dating with guy friends.. but if that guy friends is stepping over the line, that's when things have to be made cleared.. but seriously i dun have many single guy friends that likes to date me out leh now..... may be they all mostly married..haha...
oh, there's one incident happen a few years ago where this guy i met almost everyday at the bus suddenly started to chat me up. he's working in my company too but in a different department. so being friendly, we started chatting as and when we met at the bus stop and we will always sit in the together in the bus..of course, since we not so close, i dun go tellig him my things like i'm married, etc..anyway, sometime later, he started asking me out for movies and dinner..well, i'm fine with being friend and chit chat over lunch or tea break but when a guy is stepping over the line, you just need to start draw line.. so i had to reject him a couple of times and i think along the way i managed to let him know i'm married and dun know when he kind of started avoiding me...you mean, this kind of guy i still have to go movie dates when i clearly feel he has ulterior motive?? what will my hubby think if i go movie date alone with a him? i just do not want to cause any misunderstanding..
anyway, it's just my principle..be it single or married and depends on circumstances.. i don't do this to my guy friends whom i'm close with..and yes, i care abt my hubby's feeling very much..it's a bad thing meh?
you misunderstood me... i never stay strictly no dating with guy friends.. but if that guy friends is stepping over the line, that's when things have to be made cleared.. but seriously i dun have many single guy friends that likes to date me out leh now..... may be they all mostly married..haha...
oh, there's one incident happen a few years ago where this guy i met almost everyday at the bus suddenly started to chat me up. he's working in my company too but in a different department. so being friendly, we started chatting as and when we met at the bus stop and we will always sit in the together in the bus..of course, since we not so close, i dun go tellig him my things like i'm married, etc..anyway, sometime later, he started asking me out for movies and dinner..well, i'm fine with being friend and chit chat over lunch or tea break but when a guy is stepping over the line, you just need to start draw line.. so i had to reject him a couple of times and i think along the way i managed to let him know i'm married and dun know when he kind of started avoiding me...you mean, this kind of guy i still have to go movie dates when i clearly feel he has ulterior motive?? what will my hubby think if i go movie date alone with a him? i just do not want to cause any misunderstanding..
anyway, it's just my principle..be it single or married and depends on circumstances.. i don't do this to my guy friends whom i'm close with..and yes, i care abt my hubby's feeling very much..it's a bad thing meh?
and oh, it's a principle i adopted in my 20s because i had accidently mislead someone... i was so blur that i didn't know he was wooing me because his action was so subtle..he was very nice to me and i'm comfortable being his friend..he will come to pick me to church every sunday and will spend time coaching me in my studies sometimes late into the evening and sometimes he would call me all the way from the states when he’s on work assignment and chit chat with me for 1-2 hours and other small small things..he never hinted to me he like me or express his feeling and I stupidly didn’t link this to something more...he just treated me extremely nice and i don't think a guy will go all the way out to treat a girl so nice if he's not interested in her right?
anyway, in my mind, I just treat him as a real buddy and think he’s just a nice guy..but one day when i overhead a comment from a ex fellow churchmate, then i realised he might have liked me and all that were signs of wooing me! OMG, i felt so terribly bad because i know i merely treat him as a friend! and from then onwards, i started to "open" my eyes big and look out for sign... you know if i were to be more sensitive and made things clear that i just want to be his friend, he will not have wasted his time and effort on me.. i felt terribly bad abt that and woe never to have any chance of misleading a guy again.. through this incident, i realized I’m not a girl who feel good accepting nice treatments from guys whom I felt is trying to woo me and I clearly know he has no chance at all.. but if I know a guy is merely treating me nice as a platonic friend, I have no qualms meeting him for coffee or dinner because I know he has no ulterior motive..
so, powder don’t go around condemning girls like me and no, I don’t think highly on myself and “zhi zuo duo ching” ok?
anyway, in my mind, I just treat him as a real buddy and think he’s just a nice guy..but one day when i overhead a comment from a ex fellow churchmate, then i realised he might have liked me and all that were signs of wooing me! OMG, i felt so terribly bad because i know i merely treat him as a friend! and from then onwards, i started to "open" my eyes big and look out for sign... you know if i were to be more sensitive and made things clear that i just want to be his friend, he will not have wasted his time and effort on me.. i felt terribly bad abt that and woe never to have any chance of misleading a guy again.. through this incident, i realized I’m not a girl who feel good accepting nice treatments from guys whom I felt is trying to woo me and I clearly know he has no chance at all.. but if I know a guy is merely treating me nice as a platonic friend, I have no qualms meeting him for coffee or dinner because I know he has no ulterior motive..
so, powder don’t go around condemning girls like me and no, I don’t think highly on myself and “zhi zuo duo ching” ok?
well ok, i just think we should not go overboard with the "dun wanna mislead" pple thingie... anyway i think a wedding band is pretty obvious, much like how the indian ladies mark their forehead altho dun seem very practised now...
of cos i dun mean "this kind of guy i still have to go movie dates when i clearly feel he has ulterior motive??"... but then i would Honestly not call it "ulterior motives" unless he's trying to get u to bed.
my main motivation behind my posts is to ask ourselves if we're being too uptight at times... it's more for our own longterm benefit else by the time we're old, we'll be lonely as hell. i know alot of pple assume their partners will live as long as them, but i've seen more than my fair share of pple dying before they're 30... and it's not little.
Yes a member of the opposite sex ask us out, if we have no interest in the frenship then we just reject... tat's normal. but it's the thinking that there's some ulterior motive, that there's Definite romantic interest... tat needs to be addressed. over the years, i've made very good frens with girls whom i could have been romantically-linked with... not becos i Made It Clear from the beginning, but becos i left the door open to convert the good ones into lifetime frenships. i dun expect pple to follow, but i do think it's better than making things clear from the offset. there's nothing misleading... when we get to know each other, we'd already know the boundaries... we'd already know if this person is gonna be avail or not. going out with someone does not make us Available for relationships, it just makes us available for coffee/movie.
i can live with it being your principle cos tat's what defines u... i just think we should be careful not to assume that a guy who talks to us is interested, nor a girl who talks to me wants to date me. UP another level, i have every ability to turn that lady into a fren... it's how we manage afterall... but shutting the door straight in their face before anything is clear sounds arrogant, presumptuous and rude... i hope tat can be prevented.
but looking at pple in general, i do notice a trend of pple having to continuously prove their Faithfulness to their partners... whether by letting them check their handphones, or showing how unwilling they are to go out with the opposite sex. i do find this Reflects largely on the pple in the relationship, and in their need to Show how faithful they are - they have to be rude and disrespectful to other pple's feelings...
personally feel there's better ways to manage. we should not avoid stoves just cos we got burnt once...
of cos i dun mean "this kind of guy i still have to go movie dates when i clearly feel he has ulterior motive??"... but then i would Honestly not call it "ulterior motives" unless he's trying to get u to bed.
my main motivation behind my posts is to ask ourselves if we're being too uptight at times... it's more for our own longterm benefit else by the time we're old, we'll be lonely as hell. i know alot of pple assume their partners will live as long as them, but i've seen more than my fair share of pple dying before they're 30... and it's not little.
Yes a member of the opposite sex ask us out, if we have no interest in the frenship then we just reject... tat's normal. but it's the thinking that there's some ulterior motive, that there's Definite romantic interest... tat needs to be addressed. over the years, i've made very good frens with girls whom i could have been romantically-linked with... not becos i Made It Clear from the beginning, but becos i left the door open to convert the good ones into lifetime frenships. i dun expect pple to follow, but i do think it's better than making things clear from the offset. there's nothing misleading... when we get to know each other, we'd already know the boundaries... we'd already know if this person is gonna be avail or not. going out with someone does not make us Available for relationships, it just makes us available for coffee/movie.
i can live with it being your principle cos tat's what defines u... i just think we should be careful not to assume that a guy who talks to us is interested, nor a girl who talks to me wants to date me. UP another level, i have every ability to turn that lady into a fren... it's how we manage afterall... but shutting the door straight in their face before anything is clear sounds arrogant, presumptuous and rude... i hope tat can be prevented.
but looking at pple in general, i do notice a trend of pple having to continuously prove their Faithfulness to their partners... whether by letting them check their handphones, or showing how unwilling they are to go out with the opposite sex. i do find this Reflects largely on the pple in the relationship, and in their need to Show how faithful they are - they have to be rude and disrespectful to other pple's feelings...
personally feel there's better ways to manage. we should not avoid stoves just cos we got burnt once...
well grey,
i think if that guy dun woo u in a subtle way, he would never learn his lessons in wooing a girl rite? so why should u feel guilty? in the bigger scheme of things, we're all learning... if u have no interest in him, i dun see why u should feel guilty when your actions isn't exactly misleading...
u may mean well in not misleading, but i think that has to be juggled. for a start, just wear a wedding ring if u can... if a guy can't tell then he has to learn it the hard way...
i dun go around condemning girls like u. but i do try to point out how it can be seen from the other side... if u're happy with things then just be happy with it. we can still discuss on the topic rite?
end of the day how we treat pple will come back to us... most times i notice it's mostly the ladies who typically end up lonely, frenless and directionless in the event where their partners are not around for some reason. there seems an innate need to cut off alot of ties in order to 'service' a marriage and dedicate to family. this is OK until one loses one's husband, and the kids dump u for the bigger world...
then at 50, u might be lost and find no meaning to life. Frens? maybe the odd 1 or 2 who incidentally, have no time for u cos they are dedicated to Their families... there's no longterm frenships to speak of cos u sorta left them cold when u had your family.
i be honest here... for ladies, it's the male-frens who are gonna stick around a whole lot longer. i still get the odd call for coffee from my lady-frens whenever there's problems in their relationships or marriage, sometimes when they're stranded late at nite in some odd place. but for most parts of the year, they Disappear. 1 particular fren has a hubby who doesn't want her to see me... good luck to her. i have a wonderful wife who leaves me to my discretion to meet them at odd hours without worrying abt all these misleading stuff.
i think if that guy dun woo u in a subtle way, he would never learn his lessons in wooing a girl rite? so why should u feel guilty? in the bigger scheme of things, we're all learning... if u have no interest in him, i dun see why u should feel guilty when your actions isn't exactly misleading...
u may mean well in not misleading, but i think that has to be juggled. for a start, just wear a wedding ring if u can... if a guy can't tell then he has to learn it the hard way...
i dun go around condemning girls like u. but i do try to point out how it can be seen from the other side... if u're happy with things then just be happy with it. we can still discuss on the topic rite?
end of the day how we treat pple will come back to us... most times i notice it's mostly the ladies who typically end up lonely, frenless and directionless in the event where their partners are not around for some reason. there seems an innate need to cut off alot of ties in order to 'service' a marriage and dedicate to family. this is OK until one loses one's husband, and the kids dump u for the bigger world...
then at 50, u might be lost and find no meaning to life. Frens? maybe the odd 1 or 2 who incidentally, have no time for u cos they are dedicated to Their families... there's no longterm frenships to speak of cos u sorta left them cold when u had your family.
i be honest here... for ladies, it's the male-frens who are gonna stick around a whole lot longer. i still get the odd call for coffee from my lady-frens whenever there's problems in their relationships or marriage, sometimes when they're stranded late at nite in some odd place. but for most parts of the year, they Disappear. 1 particular fren has a hubby who doesn't want her to see me... good luck to her. i have a wonderful wife who leaves me to my discretion to meet them at odd hours without worrying abt all these misleading stuff.
powder, i dun wear one.. after giving birth, finger expand liao..you know sometimes, some guys dunno blur or thick skin will ignore the wedding band..
actually, you can be good friend with the opposite sex without going for coffee or movie dates or casual dating..sometimes email can do the trick..i still maintain good contact with my overseas guy friend and local one as well like ex-collegues, etc.. and i'm also advocate on no man is an island..having friends are extremely important to me..my life should not just revolves around my hubby and family...i do go out with my gfs but it's getting harder when my girl are so sticky to me..
hahah, of course lah.. i dun go thinking all guys has romantic interest in me the first few times he chit chat with me..wah lau...so thick skin meh..
actually, it really depends on your partner and that shape how you going to manage your relationship. i know my hubby is a sensitive guy and hence that approach ie i'll be sensitive to his feeling and feel it's important for me to make him feel secure.. if my hubby is like you, i think i have many many outings and dinners outside..haha..
actually, you can be good friend with the opposite sex without going for coffee or movie dates or casual dating..sometimes email can do the trick..i still maintain good contact with my overseas guy friend and local one as well like ex-collegues, etc.. and i'm also advocate on no man is an island..having friends are extremely important to me..my life should not just revolves around my hubby and family...i do go out with my gfs but it's getting harder when my girl are so sticky to me..
hahah, of course lah.. i dun go thinking all guys has romantic interest in me the first few times he chit chat with me..wah lau...so thick skin meh..
actually, it really depends on your partner and that shape how you going to manage your relationship. i know my hubby is a sensitive guy and hence that approach ie i'll be sensitive to his feeling and feel it's important for me to make him feel secure.. if my hubby is like you, i think i have many many outings and dinners outside..haha..
that's the thing. i dun know why i feel guilty..just feel lor..mm...may be because subconsciously i think he likes me but i keep pushing the thought away since he didn't express his feeling explicitly? since he didn't say anything i cannot assume he has romantic interest in me right?
and yes, your wife is extremely understanding
but do you readily accepted a request to go out till late in the night with a female friends if she's in trouble? Will you readily go out with this friend if she activates you like 2-3 times a week? will you still feel comfortable if this lady express or hinted that she has romantic interest in you and do not mind abt your wife and just want casual affair?? will you start drawing the line?
and yes, your wife is extremely understanding
of cos i'd accept and head out if my lady fren in trouble. tat's a no-brainer, even for my wife. will just tell my wife, "jane's in trouble, i need to head out". my wife's answer will most likely be "go go, hope she's ok".
'Fren in Trouble' versus 'Wife dun feel good' - which takes priority? 1stly my wife won't 'dun feel good' tat's why she's my wife. 2ndly, i can manage my marriage. so the priority here is a no-brainer.
2-3 times a week will likely be periodic... normally for the pple in trouble, it's the 1st 2weeks that they might need to have coffee with u with more frequency, thereafter it'll be infrequent then u dun see them for another few months liao.
but hor, your question to me is a far cry from your experience of subtlety from the guy leh... i think your line of questioning is an extreme opposite from your case, so it's abit Unfair to question me with this to get your point out of me, which u won't get out of me either.
if she expresses a romantic interest (which knowing my lady frens they won't), then it's likely that she's confused becos i was present to listen to all her woes. it's one of those human weakness thingie... i'll just tell her that she's just weak and to be wary abt doing things she'll regret.
grey, would a girl telling me that she doesn't mind my wife - actually encourage me to have an affair??? u must be kidding me... u have a very poor view of guys in general to think that this actually opens the doors?
wait wait. did ANY guy ever do those same things to u? if not, i dun see the relevance of the questions... feels more like u're trying to make me trip, at least it's how i feel for now...
'Fren in Trouble' versus 'Wife dun feel good' - which takes priority? 1stly my wife won't 'dun feel good' tat's why she's my wife. 2ndly, i can manage my marriage. so the priority here is a no-brainer.
2-3 times a week will likely be periodic... normally for the pple in trouble, it's the 1st 2weeks that they might need to have coffee with u with more frequency, thereafter it'll be infrequent then u dun see them for another few months liao.
but hor, your question to me is a far cry from your experience of subtlety from the guy leh... i think your line of questioning is an extreme opposite from your case, so it's abit Unfair to question me with this to get your point out of me, which u won't get out of me either.
if she expresses a romantic interest (which knowing my lady frens they won't), then it's likely that she's confused becos i was present to listen to all her woes. it's one of those human weakness thingie... i'll just tell her that she's just weak and to be wary abt doing things she'll regret.
grey, would a girl telling me that she doesn't mind my wife - actually encourage me to have an affair??? u must be kidding me... u have a very poor view of guys in general to think that this actually opens the doors?
wait wait. did ANY guy ever do those same things to u? if not, i dun see the relevance of the questions... feels more like u're trying to make me trip, at least it's how i feel for now...
no lah...those questions got nothing to do with my principle lah..just that it happened to me and i was pissed at my hubby lor..i mean i'm ok in the begining..but wah lau the meetings became like 2-3 times a week and stretch for a 2-3 months.. i think i'm not that angelic to feel nothing abt it and can continue say, go go go...
powder, hey, i'm not thinking you're weak lah.. i just want to know how you deal with that lady if she really say she's interested in you blah blah blah and offer herself to you..or whether you have encountered such thing before? i mean you have so many female friends which seem to like to ask you for advice surely have such encounters before right?
powder, hey, i'm not thinking you're weak lah.. i just want to know how you deal with that lady if she really say she's interested in you blah blah blah and offer herself to you..or whether you have encountered such thing before? i mean you have so many female friends which seem to like to ask you for advice surely have such encounters before right?
hard to stretch 2-3 mths cos it normally means the person going around in circles, i won't have patience to go on to be honest. my life must also go on mah...
not hard to deal with mah, just tell them that they're in a confused state or something but dun have to run away... anyway even if hypothetical it's a far cry from pple i'm getting to know, and pple i ALREADY know.
there's no standard answer to such things... it'll be handled at tat point under the circumstance most suited and sensitive to the person. priority remains the feelings of the person i set out to meet, not mine... and definitely it's not gonna end with me in an affair.
i know some guys will take the chance to jump in and maybe things will happen, but i'm the wrong guy to ask. And this is definitely a far cry from misleading a new person...
ps: actually can put it this way lah...
old lady frens - know me, my wife, my kid, and just abt everything abt me... so won't happen for them to 'offer themselves to me'. i think our frenship is Wayyyyyyy too strong for that.
new lady frens - i dun have time in the first place for my current frens. otherwise i have a ring, my handphone wallpaper is my kid, my cars have car-seat etc... no misleading. my interest in topics are more on Life, not relationships... i'm into motivation, financial freedom, breaking out of society's norm's prejudices and finding our happiness... i can't last a coffee session with a girl who just talks abt guys, relationships n getting married. i can talk abt handbags n watches though...
not hard to deal with mah, just tell them that they're in a confused state or something but dun have to run away... anyway even if hypothetical it's a far cry from pple i'm getting to know, and pple i ALREADY know.
there's no standard answer to such things... it'll be handled at tat point under the circumstance most suited and sensitive to the person. priority remains the feelings of the person i set out to meet, not mine... and definitely it's not gonna end with me in an affair.
i know some guys will take the chance to jump in and maybe things will happen, but i'm the wrong guy to ask. And this is definitely a far cry from misleading a new person...
ps: actually can put it this way lah...
old lady frens - know me, my wife, my kid, and just abt everything abt me... so won't happen for them to 'offer themselves to me'. i think our frenship is Wayyyyyyy too strong for that.
new lady frens - i dun have time in the first place for my current frens. otherwise i have a ring, my handphone wallpaper is my kid, my cars have car-seat etc... no misleading. my interest in topics are more on Life, not relationships... i'm into motivation, financial freedom, breaking out of society's norm's prejudices and finding our happiness... i can't last a coffee session with a girl who just talks abt guys, relationships n getting married. i can talk abt handbags n watches though...
yaloh...i was wondering by a few meetings, whatever advice should have been given right unless this lady is looking for something more....anyway, it's over..and yes, she is still going round in circle according to hubby..
yeah, this is different from misleading lah..nothing got to do with that..that's why i said not related..
oh...i tot you have a habit of jio new lady friends for kopi too..so, it's your old lady friends that usually jio you for kopi when they have trouble? if my old guy friend jio me kopi, i will go lah since like you they would have known my background already.. but if a guy i hardly know suddenly jio me kopi, i will really think twice lor..ok, may be still entertain him once or twice if free, who knows can become good friend but if I can feel he's looking for something more, time to draw lines liao..
yeah, this is different from misleading lah..nothing got to do with that..that's why i said not related..
oh...i tot you have a habit of jio new lady friends for kopi too..so, it's your old lady friends that usually jio you for kopi when they have trouble? if my old guy friend jio me kopi, i will go lah since like you they would have known my background already.. but if a guy i hardly know suddenly jio me kopi, i will really think twice lor..ok, may be still entertain him once or twice if free, who knows can become good friend but if I can feel he's looking for something more, time to draw lines liao..
didn't know u linking with your hubby's experience... i must have missed out if u brought it up. else if u jump hor... must say first mah...
nope i dun jio new lady frens out, not sure wat gave u the impression tat i do tat cos i certainly have no time for new frens at this stage of my life... certainly when i was still a bachelor i would. now focused on retiring before i hit 40... in the meantime if i get invites i certainly would go if i have time... i won't be making things clear nor be bothered abt misleading pple who simply ask me out. i dun think it's possible to go back to dating phase becos i'm happy with my life and dun need new complications... i much rather get a new house than a gfren, even if i'm avail...
so many aspects to life. i dun wanna die having achieved nothing but hordes of gfrens and sex partners... tat's so unimportant.
nope i dun jio new lady frens out, not sure wat gave u the impression tat i do tat cos i certainly have no time for new frens at this stage of my life... certainly when i was still a bachelor i would. now focused on retiring before i hit 40... in the meantime if i get invites i certainly would go if i have time... i won't be making things clear nor be bothered abt misleading pple who simply ask me out. i dun think it's possible to go back to dating phase becos i'm happy with my life and dun need new complications... i much rather get a new house than a gfren, even if i'm avail...
so many aspects to life. i dun wanna die having achieved nothing but hordes of gfrens and sex partners... tat's so unimportant.
