In LOVE with a married man

there's little to advise cos u've chosen him. u can only un-choose him, accept his crap request, or change him.

i would ask u to un-choose him, but that's not gonna happen becos like MOST women, u're gonna attempt to change him first. and this will drag on for awhile until u either accept, or u leave.

so i'll leave u with time to try what your genetics command first...

in case u need to get your mind off things, why not read that horoscope thread to get a better idea of the kind of men to date? actually there's only 1 kind of men to date... but i'll leave u to read it and be convinced.
 


by the way, kim is right... but i say this from my personal opinion. it's very very very very easy to woo a girl, particularly those with lotsa suitors and very pretty...

there's always an angle. it comes 2nd nature to some guys... u dun need a glib tongue, just a strategy. have u seen the show Hitch? erm, tat's actually quite real... the psychology behind the whole thing...
 
haha u actually read! tat's my tok cok thread lah...

doesn't matter the horoscope, thing is... when he made that request of u... he is immediately disrespecting u, your existence and your importance.

doesn't matter if u accept it, i just hope u realise it.
 
If I can chose my path all over again, I will not walk the same way I did. Was not in this thread cos I am experiencing the worse thing that ever happen to me now.. I am having his child. And I am going to bear the full reponsibility of the outcome. What a foolish grave mistake I have brough upon to myself, and I do not dare to let him know. In fact, no point cos it might not change anything. I need to move on, to put the past behind me, only that, I only start waking up with such a heavy price that I am going to pay. Let guilt torment me for the rest of my life. I need to seek solace in a religion. I have no one to talk to, all I can is to talk to my bb.
 
Pinkie, are you a divorcee or married?
Cos you said previously u had ur loving parents n kids ard u...
Do you've ur family support?
Speak to them...
I've alot of frens in tis kinda situation, so family support's v v impt...
 
sad_gal,

Did u enter this r/s w your married bf expecting him to leave his wife, b w u and lead a happily ever after life? I guess u would also b expecting that u r THE gal that he has been waiting for all his life, n that he will b faithful to u for as long as he live now that he has found u?

Ask urself if u can live with "I should not interfere with what he does, including msn flirt with other girls or going out with his friends etc. as long as he never cheat on me or do anything unfaithful behind my back, and come home sleep with me everyday, i dont have to care what he is doing outside."

If u can, then stop whinning.
If not, then u should know that u r just one of the gals in his life..
 
Pinkie
You goin to raise this child?How you going to explain to the child when he grow up?you and him broke off already?
 
No..I am not going to. I will not bring another child to the world to suffer. I have no family support, things like this I will not let anyone knows, even him.
 
powder,
can you explain why it's very very very very easy to woo a girl, particularly those with lotsa suitors and very pretty... haiyoh, that means I'm not pretty lor cos i dun have many suitors back then leh but i dun think i'm unattractive leh... hmmph....i usually attract nerdy guys except well my hubby... i think al lot of times it's the lady's body language and how easy is she..
 
Grey, very easy to woo also not really the girl's fault entirely. By the way, this is only Powder's observation of the people around him. Not official data. Don't take it too seriously haha
 
heheh, i know lah cos i think i'm attractive lor...haha..just that somehow no one notice me leh, only nerdy goody goody guys..may be i look too decent "pretty"..hahaha..so thick skin..

sometimes i really wonder, if the pretty girl is already attached, still guys will chase after her? well, unless she give the mixed signal to the other guys right? i mean if you're serious with your bf, you will send a strong signal to other guys so that not to mislead them mah..
 
ya grey,

dun take mine as official data... it's very subjective... depends very much on the guy chasing also rite? anyway u married leh, how come still so curious? hehe

most guys are intimidated by the pretty ones... when u remove those who won't take action, those who secretly admire, those who dun have confidence etc, u're left with only like 1/10... amongst these, as long as u put in effort to actually know wat the girl wants... how difficult isit to actually woo her?

nobody chase u doesn't mean u're unattractive, it can also mean that the guys around u have no confidence in themselves... so they chase the 'lesser' girls. in spore - pple are Very afraid of rejection... they dun even dare to try. their idea of courtship is so mild it can't even form frenships... tat's why when it comes to courtship, more worldly guys can get the girl.

i think most pple look at the superficial, and forget the spirtual aspects... whilst the nice guys tend to be brushed aside before they can show their worth in the other aspects... all-in-all, it boils down to individuals...
 
doll,
not that lah...haha..but i mean some guys really so thick skin will woo the girl is he knows she's attached? or is it because the girl give the impression that she's not that serious with her bf and she's still looking around?

powder,
haha..still curious leh because back then i keep wondering why i got so little suitors and got no answer.. most guys cannot believe i have very little suitors.. may be like you said, those that i met are too shy and intimidated by me and hence dare not chase me?? may be i should acted meek meek and gentle gentle kind or those who knows how sha jiao and flirtatious type? hahaha...
 
it's one of those things tat as u mature as a guy, u realise it gets easier becos u've seen most 'methods' and able to match the right method to the right girl... sounds abit clinical i know, but if u look at the amount of time and tears u save going thru heartbreaks and rejctions and sleepless nites... u can basically narrow things down.

i'm no dating guru, but 1 quality tat will always put u ahead of the competition is self-confidence (not arrogance but quite close). how u speak and communicate is impt... and pls Dun apply this to ah lians nor those internet chatting types... those to me are more of sexual courtship than a truly lifetime-relationship thingie.

also, if u're really good, u dun need to woo. u can make the person u wooing - woo u instead.
 
grey,
There's nothing wrong with guys chasing girls who are attached... You never know the outcome if you never try. The only wrong would be if the girl is married.

I agree with powder that sometimes guys who dun dare to go after the girls that they like cuz they lack the courage. They'll just give themselves the excuse that they will not have the chance with the girls thus they dun even try. But it is definately not right for the girls to 'act' in a different personality/character in order to be wooed cuz that'll not be the real you.. unless you intend to act like that for the rest of your life...
 
exactly... there's nothing wrong chasing with girls OR guys who are attached. i dun understand the mentality of pple who think it's 'hand-off' like some property once someone is attached... how do pple actually find each other if pple can reserve partners by being attached... it's a freakin tissue paper mentality. like tat all should marry with the ones they saw first...

most times pple dun break up becos they're too lazy, too scared or too insecure... u need something drastic. and the more drastic would be the appearance of someone Better. of cos then pple will say that the grass is always greener on the other side blah blah...

ppls dun even link bad marriages and divorce with poor matches. it's everything else except their own poor judgment n choice.
 
shirleypoise/powder,
mm..may be it's just me..i feel it's bad wooing an attached person and breaking people's up....i don't think i will express my feeling to a guy that i really admire who has a gf because i think it's just not the right thing for me to do and not for fearing of rejection...

so, for me, when i was with my bf (hubby now), i made sure i did not send the wrong signal out and made guys feel that my relationship is not stable and i'm as free as a bird to date anyone...
 
i guess u're following the usual assumption tat all couples together are in bliss... which obviously from this forum alone, u might realise it's very untrue.

if u're caught in a bad relationship, be it abuse or gambling, or egoistic or whatever... u might actually appreciate a new guy coming into your life, and telling u that everything's gonna be fine... and that u can put your present relationship behind u...

but just imagine this guy comes, and he leaves becos he feels it's not right to woo u.

he feels sad becos his own principles killed his own happiness, u feel sad becos his principles and your weakness killed your happiness...

and everyone stays unhappy. u eventually marry... Society is happy u guys didn't woo attached pple... i guess society is happy and living out YOUR life?

nope, u're living your life, your happiness and sorrows remain with u... it's Your decision, Your principle...

so to those who give me all the crap abt Must be single in order to date. they have no idea of All the infinite possibilities and variations of relationships... they simply live on an ideal that is nothing but an ideal.
 
it's this same assumption that pple have abt marriages... they ASSUME it was made with such clarity of mind and quality of decision...

when it could have easily been spurred by the wilful pursuit of a perfect wedding, a hdb, or simply to live on one's own away from the family.

i think we lack an honesty in our own self-assessment, so we choose to carry on believing in 'facts' that are no longer as common.
 
Grey, in your opinion how does a lady behave to "give the impression that she's not that serious with her bf and she's still looking around"?

And how did you "not send the wrong signal out and made guys feel that my relationship is not stable and i'm as free as a bird to date anyone"?

For me, I won't bother to divulge my private life to any Tom, Dick or Harry, let alone how stable my relationship is. Just ignore them for a while and they will move on.
 
actually this is one of the reasons why i dun date single women... the need to have decorum according to society's standards as opposed to one's own worldly perspective. i dislike pple telling me what is right and wrong Without them actually being on both sides and Knowing truly what right is, and what wrong is... u've gotta toe the lines to know the lines... sad to say, not many do...

til today i still see parents with mediocre achievements TELLING their children to follow their paths and excel Futher than them. and by that, i mean academics... tat same mediocre path is becoming a vicious cycle. i still can't believe pple can function on success formulas from 20yrs ago and think it still works...

well i confess tat i was dating a single girl until i know her mum is insistent on a degree-holder son-in-law... didn't wanna go thru the hassle cos u'll know if the girl will eventually succumb to the family's pressure. better to let her know i was never ever gonna get a degree nor do it for her and waste another 3-4yrs of my life to gain approval from pple who underachieved. so there's Society's perception for u.

in life, just be ourselves. dun have to be too uptight and concerned with how pple view us, wat's impt is how we view ourselves. and it's Very obvious to the more worldly pple whether u're You, or whether u're simply living to please others and seek approval.

disclaimer: it was in MY Course of life tat the single ladies tend to turn out to be overly-concerned to be something they are not and requiring approval of sorts. those who tended to be themselves - were likely already in longterm relationships/marriage.
 
"Think about it, if a r/s can b broken up that easily by a 3rd party, then it's better to break up earlier than later."

well.... i see it another way. Its often to speak of a relationship as if we are faultless perfect mates. When its easily broken up by 3rd party, then its better to end it. But, in every relationship, there are lots of lessons to pick. We should also reflect on why has it been a weak relationship. Is it the character flaw or weakness of one party or are there other reasons? e.g. compatibility issues, lack of understanding / commitments? How many of us really reflect rather than blame?

On the rocking the boat thingy... there is no right or wrong. But a persistent chap that harrasses your spouse despite he/she not appreciating any of such attention is as much as pest to both parties. And to become this pest would be a very horse dunno face long scenario.

This would be different from a situation when the partner has the intention to discover / search for someone else in the 1st place. It takes 2 to tango. If you want to woo someone attached, don't go solo or u will be a sore loser and pest to the couple.
 
Even if you're not in any relationship or that your relationship isn't stable, you can choose not to go out with anyone whom you don't fancy. So, I don't see why must use "I am already in a very stable relationship" or "I am very in love with my bf/gf" to deter a suitor. Why even need to give a reason not to accept an invitation when you can just say you aren't free?
 
Doll... not free is also giving a reason to reject the invitation leh.

Not free and not interested are 2 different things altogether. Anyone can indicate their decision to reject be it single or not. I see no issue with stating clearly why they are uninterested.

And being attached, one has to think of the feelings of our partners. Its no so about how guilty we are. u r right that there is nothing wrong with going out with someone we are not interested. BUT, to accept dates with someone clearly wooing u would be misleading him. Don't you agree? Likewise, its misleading to the partner. How not to feel unhappy if a partner continue to enjoy being wooed and flirts ignoring their partners presence?

I don't think its about right or wrong. But, how well we understand and sensitive towards emotions of those involved. We cannot pretend or act blur in how we behave. IF we know what we do is going to make our partners feel uneasy, then its common sense that we need to reassure them and be more transparent and tactful. While its unhealthy to cut off ourselves simply because of our commitments. But, its equally unwise to expect our partners to just TRUST & accept and be understanding to whatsoever we do. Its a 2 way thing to maintain any relationship.
 
Milo, if I can say I am not free to turn down an invitation, why do I need to give details or a reason? A few times of "not free" the other party would get the message that you are not interested, I believe. This kind of thing can happen from time to time and is there a need to be so transparent to people you would have nothing with? And what if you are a single lady with no bf, do you then resort to pretending that you already have a very steady bf? No need mah.

Well, I do agree with you on the part about being sensitive to the feelings of our partner. For my case I typically do not tell my partner everything and everybody that I come across, nor do I want him to do that. To me, that's being sensitive toward his feelings and vice versa.
 
milo,

i guess it depends on wat level your mind operates... sometimes u just want to catch a movie and this girl happens to be the kind u can sustain a decent pre-movie/post-movie conversation... it'll be kinda irritating if she has to constantly put up a wall with the big words "i'm attached and unavailable"... (ie i just wanna fcuking catch a movie and u're good company to catch it with... well, u once WERE good company at least)

whether misleading or not - it depends rite? if like she holds my hands, then it's misleading... accepting a date to catch a movie together is not really misleading unless u're one of those guys who thinks that catching a movie is a BIG DEAL and it means she's interested in u.

it's horribly irritating when girls are so defensive when all u want is good company. it's painful in fact... why so narrow-minded? frenship is not in the vocabulary? and tat's just the thing. nothing is more irritating than joining a groupie and having the groupie dynamics becoming into some match-making session... just becos 4 guys and 4 girls are out in a group does not mean they will eventually pair-up... best-looking with best-looking, average-with average, fat with fat, ugly with ugly etc... BUT pple tend to pair them up. when pple see a group of 4/4 together, they have this tendency to pair them mentally.

if pple have been Observing... there's actually alot of perception tat eventually creates an Environment. i like to go out with pple who are honest and true to themselves... cos this will kill the environment of guessing and perceptions.

anyway am glad to be married, i should have won a wedding ring when i was a bachelor... pple tend to be less anal abt being themselves and overly wary in sending the wrong signals... they must think i'm dumber than them to not know if their doors are shut. saying that, it's really painful when the dumb ones think u're dumb and keep sneaking their bfrens into the conversation just to constantly remind u how attached they are...

so i did the naturally smart thing, i dumped the girl and asked their bfrens out for the movie instead. no need all the facade...
 
Doll... if its just a casual invitation, I would also use the not free reason. But, if its a persistent gal that is always asking me out, I would have no choice to put it clearly. While this could hurt her feelings but it would be better than leading her on.

Powder,
how narrow or open minded every individual is differs. When we decide to get into a relationship and continues with it would mean we want to accept and work things out with this partner. No? If everyone is expecting a open minded and trusting spouse, does it mean those character and mindset that differs will not make a good spouse? I don't think so, they only need to find a compatible mate. Someone that can understand and be sensitive enough to their specific needs.

My point in short, there isn't a one bill fits all. If we want our partners to trust us, we need to work it out with the right formulae and combination with this individual person. Else, do as what u suggest, break up and find someone that fit this criteria since its so mandatory and important for you.

I don't think its about being true to ourselves or not. I too believe in being honest with ourselves. But that doesn't mean we need to exhibit our uniqueness with the expenses of those I care. E.g. My mum is a damn paranoid person. I would know better than to do things to trig her sensitive nature. Yes, I do make sacrifices at times. But, do I lose myself completely? No, she isn't with me 24 seven. More importantly, because I show I respected her feelings, it gives me more power to negotiate and ask for the trust.

My mother trusts me more than anyone else in the world. Its not without a reason. My siblings always thinks I'm the beloved son that's why. Its more than just that. Its because I have shown that I respected and understood her emotions even behind her most ridiculous behaviors.

If I would to marry a woman like my mum, I would have to be just as patient with her too. To me, its only being logical.
 
milo,

u'll feel stupid if she's asking u out becos her close fren is the one who is interested...

not everyone who is asking us out is interested to have a relationship with us. and it's up to us to nurture and turn it into a strong bond of frenship as well... i'm definitely more open. i'll still go out and see where it goes... tat was one of the main reasons how i met my wife.
 
"Doll... if its just a casual invitation, I would also use the not free reason. But, if its a persistent gal that is always asking me out, I would have no choice to put it clearly. While this could hurt her feelings but it would be better than leading her on."

We aren't teenagers anymore, so how often do we meet a really persistent person of the opposite gender who is so low in social intelligence, EQ and IQ to not be able to decipher that your "not free" is "not interested"?

I am also of the view that accepting an invitation to movie or dinner IS NOT indication of interest. Again, we aren't teenagers to be that naive or presumptious.
 
Frankly, we don't act blur. If someone is interested and direct, its pretty obvious. And why would we want to lead them on when we have no intention of developing anything?

This has nothing to do with teens or not. What message are you sending by leading someone on. It need not be movies.... Its not so about the activity but rather how we choose to lead the other party. Face it, we read about the most ridiculous things that ADULTS are leaving to guesses. And somehow you think its okie to just assume they would understand?
 
Powder, I'm actually referring more to situations when its clear that the other party is interested. Would you play along, act blur and say its okie?

Again, its not the activity alone. u gotta look at the context. If the intention so damn obvious, it would be bullshit to say one is not leading them on by agreeing to all their invitations etc.

btw, I had this guy colleague that was so overly friendly with me. Invited me for lunches and afterwork, he sync his timing to offer me taxi rides down town. Next thing I know, he was staring at my dick while we were peeing in the toilet. First time, I gave him the benefit of the doubt. Then, it happens again the next time we happen to go to the loo after lunch.

So, what do you suggest? that I should continue accepting his 'goodwill' knowing that he probably have another agenda?
 
And if despite his motives, I continued to be so friendly with him, what message would that also send to my partner? It would be no surprise if she starts doubting my gender preferences!

To recap, I'm addressing the usecase that we choose to accept invitation etc from people we know are interested and are using these to create the opportunities. It gives everyone involved the wrong message. It is not the same as generically not accepting any invitations.
 
Milo, leading a guy on by saying I am not free (instead of declaring that I am already in a stable relationship), how does that work? Even if I do go out with him once or twice for courtesy's sake, would this constitute leading him on? I don't think so. So, if he's misled, don't think I should be responsible for what he thinks.

I will act blur if I am not interested in the person coming after me, whether I am attached or not. This is because this person could be my business partner, client, colleague or friend, and I see little merit in going to the extent of telling him off or making a clear stance. It's not as if he is sexually harassing me.
 
powder/doll,
i'm not refering to abusive, no hope kind of relationship and i'm not talking abt divulging personal things to the person but rather they are girls out there despite having a stable relationship, still potrays themselves to be illegible. of course, i do not go around telling my suitors, hey, hands off, i'm attached ok? that will be too direct and too hurting to the other guy but like doll said, we can reject the invitations in other ways.. i have met girls like what i mentioned that's why i just don't understand why they have the heart to do this to their partner..haiz...

powder,
you mentioned you don't date single woman.. woo..so, your wife is someone's partner and you managed to win her over?

anyway, i'm on the same page as milo on not misleading the other party..
 
dude,

if someone is romantically-interested in me and i'm fren-interested in her, then i see no reason to end the frenship from My side and reject going out. it shows a lack of ability to handle a situation like this when u have to downright reject the girl and tell yourself that u 'dun wanna lead her on'... why can't there be frenship?

I also dun need to make sure everyone knows i am rejecting going out with her (asif i'm some super uptight faithful bfren/husband). In terms of our partners getting the wrong message, i think this should be handled at the time of choosing a partner... i dun know abt u guys, but i didn't choose a wife who needs my constant show of Disregard to other females in order to feel secure. there's only 3 women in my life and all 3 of them should know that (except my daughter cos too young)... so again this falls back to the root of your selection.

i honestly dun see a need to think that pple are So Stupid and clueless to think i'm leading them on. this is a case of thinking too highly of ourselves... to be honest, the girls i would even be going out with - will have the ability to discern if romance is possible... i'll have to agree with Doll on this one cos we would have enough EQ n social awareness to understand if romance is possible. it's quite painful for me to go out with clueless pple in the first place... neither would i have romantic interest for this group of gals.

i dun understand how going out with someone without the slightest hint of romance from ourselves - is gonna lead pple on. maybe some of u are so charming that with a smile, the girl will be misled, but i'm definitely not within this group. my kind of going out requires Alot of interllectual conversations... the topics are not your usual teenage-courtship topics.


sorry, but i think this whole need to 'act-virgin' is more for oneself, not for others. if a person is uptight, just say u're scared of your partner or scared of trouble... i find it hard to believe that u're doing it becos u dun wanna milead others... that only sounds good, but dig deep and that's seldom true. i think pple place themselves first, in such case. else it's someone they super not interested in... so just say u're not interested, but let's not use the word 'mislead'.
 
grey,

i dun date single women. how that translates in terms of the woman who became my wife... is very much up to the extent of which one's mind brings them. if i were to date Doll now, would she be someone else's partner and did i have to win her over?

pls excuse me, i dun often give straight answers.

actually i find nothing wrong with girls with an 'eligible' show... it's the opposite that irks me.
 
hi bro,

that's where I differ loh. I will not end the friendship but would definitely avoid situations that would mislead. And if they person is still going head on, I will really shut the chap off completely. I would say I was in the shoes of both being mislead and also misled some gal.

Its not intentionally wanting to mislead. Rather, when one is 'in' it, they may not see so clearly, and in fact, wanted to be misled. Unless told face on, sometimes, we like to continue living on some hope. I felt really bad that my friendship was misread. She left her job after because of the jeers and gosships from the cleaning aunties. It was at the bowling center I used to frequent.

As much as possible, I won't want to let this happen. Doll, hope u understand now my rationale. In fact, u r not alone. My wife did commented on why I needed to sound others off my intentions. For me, its clear, I don't leave things to guesses. Its better to be stupid or arward then mistaken.
 
I guess there is a balance to everything.. and it really depends on your spouse/partner..

Somehow, we can't deny the sensitivity of our spouse.. yet at the same time, we don't have to put up barriers all the time telling people.. hands-off me..

But I guess telling someone not free is good enough. Cos in reality if you are really interested in someone, you will make time. If someone tells me not free all the time, I will take the hint liao..

But I do agree that guys/gals can be friend but how close will depends on how comfortable is your spouse/partner.. and also yourself
 
Grey, how do the "girls out there despite having a stable relationship, still potrays themselves to be illegible (the word here should be eligible)"? They say to their suitors that they have no steady bf? That is outright lying, not portrayal. Going out with a suitor once or twice certainly cannot mean misleading him. So what is this portrayal that you are trying to tell us?
 
I don't date attached women... divorced, separated, single, widowed .. all else yes..

But it is just a personal preferences..
 
powder,
haiyoh, i misintepret your word date lah..ok, i got what you mean.. i also have a single gf that don't like to date single man too..it's not that she's interested in these married man, but rather she feels that these man usually does not have the motive of wooing her and she's more comfortable with that..

haha..if you know in person, than i guess i irks you to bits because i do fall into that category of your hatelist..haha. But seriously that does not mean i don't go out with single men after i'm attached. i still do dinners/lunch with my male friends but if i can feel they're interested in more than just friend, i will start to draw the line..start to hint..
 
i don't know how my gf do it and she enjoys being dote upon by the suitors.. free meals and gifts i guess...she doesn't tell her bfs abt meeting these guy friends of hers and most likely these guys don't know she's attached..
 
Grey, who doesn't enjoy attention and ego boost? It doesn't mean he/she is ready or prone to stray or mislead others. Not telling her bf that she meets other men wrong meh? Maybe her bf not interested to know who she goes out with as he has complete trust in her?

I don't know about others but I don't need such survilience nor do I monitor my partner's move.
 
yeah, casual dates ok lah.. in fact i have a close male friend whom i do expensive dinners with (sometimes candle light dinner..hehe) at fancy places cos hubby don't enjoy fine dining..but recently we no longer do that alone because he's married and I don't know how secure his wife is abt me dating him..haha...so, the last round was dinner with him and his wife...also an apportunity for him to introduce to me to her and vice versa..hehe...
 


Actually I don't see why single and attractive woman cannot have dates with other guys if when they are already attached.. as in got boy friend..

I know my girl friend. Guys who date her obviously are looking at more than casual date.. as long as she knows what she is doing.. it is ok for me.. you may say I am liberal.. but I guess the point is that I know right now we are together but there is no fixed commitment. There is no reason for her go give up a whole forest for an old tree like me.

And she tells me about her dates ... I always tease her to find someone younger and better.. but still she is with me.. it is not that I am arrogant.. but really I am prepared to lose her to someone better.. but right now we are happy together.. and she is happy because she can have casual dates as well.. she is young and attractive and I can't expect to tie her down..
 
You must log in or register to reply here.

Similar threads

T
Confession of a married woman
Replies
0
Views
4K
Troublegal20246
T
C
Cheong Yip Kwong, William - The Wedding Solemniser From Hell
Replies
0
Views
2K
Chewmida
C
O
WTS [Made With Love] Harlow V2 Wedding Gown with Belt and Veil
Replies
1
Views
323
otonat
O
Sophie19
Surprising my husband with a trip to the Singapore GP
Replies
0
Views
269
Sophie19
Sophie19
L
Feeling Lost in Marriage Life
Replies
1
Views
2K
DLo
D

Back
Top