In-laws

[zianz]

I'm writing about an issue (which I think, is familiar to many) that I'm afraid is becoming a source of contention between my wife and I.

My wife is the younger of two daughters of my in-laws. While the younger one, she is somewhat the one who takes care of her family's matters (errands, finances etc). Her elder sister, who has a son, is staying with my in-laws as she's currently separated from her husband.

To allay my wife's concerns about being too far from her family after our marriage, I decided to buy a flat nearer to my in-laws than my own parents. (Just my wife and I stay in this flat.) We had an understanding that we would spend an equal amount of time with each set of parents, while still having enough time for ourselves. For example, maybe 2 days each to have dinner at one set of parents' place, while the remaining 3 days of the week would be spent by ourselves (running errands, time together, cooking at our own place or gatherings with friends).

I was hoping that this arrangement will make everyone happy. However, my in-laws started to become more and more intrusive and came up with many excuses to get us to go to their place more often. Initially, I thought it was just the initial phase (when they are still getting used to their daughter's new married status), but grew concerned as it became more of a trend.
I'm worried as not only does this "eat" into our "couple" time, but also our time with my own parents.

As I would like to be filial to both sets of parents, I was really hoping that the 3-2-2 arrangement would make everyone happy.

As this went on for some time, and my wife not willing to do anything about it, I decided to have a heart-to-heart talk with my father in-law. I explained the rationale behind the 3-2-2 arrangement, and how I also have a set of parents with whom I would like to spend time with. I also expressed my appreciation for what he and my mother-in-law have done for us (i.e. invites for dinners etc), but also reiterated the importance of me and my wife having time to bond together as husband and wife, as well as us visiting my own parents. My in-laws said that they understood.

Over this, my wife is thinking that I'm somehow biased against her family, which is not true. As I feel guilty that I'm staying further from my own parents, I thought it would be fair and reasonable to spend an equal amount of time with both sets of parents, while still preserving time together as a couple.

I'm not sure if this will work out, or whether my in-laws would abide by this arrangement. I would really like to be a good husband, son (or son-in-law), and eventually a father too.

Would appreciate if others could share their experiences on how they work out an arrangement that would make everyone happy. Thanks.

 

[lovingyou]

Richard: I can understand your concerns.. How about organising a family gathering on weekends and invite both sides to join in? In this way, 2 days of being with each side's family will boils down to being the free days for the couple time instead?

 

[flyingstar]

how long have you been married?

i would say, give and take lo...no need to strictly stick to 3-2-2 arrangement. if not it sounds like you have stipulated a timetable and everyone is expected to follow.

i think it's because of you insist to "structure" the time with both families that made your wife resentful.

flexibility is the key...and also communication between you and your wife. maybe you should ask your wife for her views instead.

 

[powder]

well dude,

u spread yourself too thin. what 3-2-2? when u guys were dating u probably did a 5-1-1... now that u're married u do a 3-2-2... u dun go changing a winning formula that got u into marriage, by introduing a deadly formula to get u Out of marriage.

and i think it's childish for couples to have to count how many times they visit each other's parents and seek fairness for these things... this is really childish, silly, and highly unworkabl. i hardly see couples this calculative over money, time, amongst other things... seeking equality, who have good marriages. this is like a competition that last a lifetime...

who suffers the agony of defeat?

both of u have serious problems... u spoil the parents too. it's your own doing...

 

[cassie]

It's difficult to be a good husband, son, son-in-law, and father all rolled into one. Something has got to give, you simply don't have enough time to excel at all of them. For eg, my husband and I spend (almost) every evening after work with our boy, and we bring him out most weekends, so while being a "good father", he's kind of not being a "good son" by not visiting his parents often enough. "Good husband" has also taken a back seat since couple time is now drastically reduced

It is simply not possible to give your parents (ditto for your wife and her parents) the same amount of time and energy as compared to before marriage, and both sets of parents, as well as both husband and wife, should recognise that. So it's no point feeling guilty about it, and it doesn't make sense to structure your weekly time in a rigid manner just to 'be fair'. Sometimes, parents do need our help with things that crop up, or they may have relatives over and want you to be around. It's give and take. Although quite frankly, women (vs men) do tend to be more attached to their families so more often than not you'll realise you're probably spending more time with your mother-in-law than your mother

But the new marriage & family unit (and couple time before the kids come along trust me) should take precedence and if this is causing a strain in the marriage, both of you should really sit down and talk it out. Erm, I'm personally not really in favour of having too many joint events (involving both sets of parents) - my mum tends to behave in a very funny way when my in-laws are around as she's not comfortable ha. But that's my situation, yours may be different and may be worth considering.

 

[sgbabydoll]

Wow, I didn't know that visiting parents have to follow timetable.

 

[giantemu]

for a moment i thought we are discussing soccer - 5-1-1 and 3-2-2 haha...

ok jokes aside. how about this, tell your wife that you will accompany her on 2 days a week to her parents...but if she needs to go more often (either by way of your in-laws or her reason), she goes alone.

Shld work out with your wife and not your FIL..

You stick to your schedule to go back to your parents? Anyways, I think going back once a week to each parents is quite sufficient...you dun want your parents to tire to cook additionally as well....

 

[sgbabydoll]

I should think parents have their own lives too instead of cooking and waiting at home for moved-out children to visit?

One good example is my mom. Except for Mon-Fri when she child-sit my nephews, she is hardly home (Yes, I am more homely than her). During times at home she has a lot of things to do - reading, writing, DVD, cable TV, etc. When I move out in a few months' time, I can foresee myself having to make an appointment to see her haha.

Last time when my office was in Orchard and before my dad passed away, my mom would come by and we would have lunch, afternoon tea or go for pedicure together.

I am happy to see my mom enjoying her life having already spent more than half her lifetime raising the children. We are always encouraging her to go out while she is still mobile.

 

[lovingyou]

I guess parents do have their own programs... just like my parents, they have alot of programs too, going temples, exercising, catching up with friends etc... thus, TS, don't let the arrangment "damage" the r/s btw ur wife and you ya... be flexible..

 

[powder]

i would sell my house just to avoid my kids in future...

i can't imagine my kids Thinking that their duty is to visit and disturb me twice a week. buy me a car better! haha

 

[lovingyou]

Haha...Do you have kids now? Perhaps hints do wonder...

 

[trias88]

I never think of any schedule,appointment, simi 3-2-2. We got so many things to take care of, we work to feed family,parents,parents-in-law,government ..etc and hardly has anything or time remain for ourself.I always do it naturally with my heart,welcome my parents,in-law to my house anytime.I even gave them my house keys. Once awhile,not more than 3 weeks, I will visit them with my kid and give my parents surprise. They will be happy and ask me "what bring you here today?". I will just reply and said "We miss you, so here we are"..

 

[wjchiang]

richard,
amount of time u spend is not as important as the quality of time u spend with anyone. If i have visits that are just scheduled tasks, sit around to sianz instead of enjoying, then i rather they not come.
If u find it difficult to juggle with all, maybe something's not right. Even if u don't visit your parents "often enough", u can call them anytime right? When u care for someone, there are many ways to show it, don't need to pull your hair out too much over this

 

[moistfaucet]

err,,

i am not family oriented man, and i don't viist in laws and my parents, what is 3-2-2 ?

 

[lovingyou]

moist: that is the nos of days / times for visiting...

 

[miloice]

I only know 4-5-1, 4-4-2. Not 3-2-2.

 

[thommy]

u stick to ur schedule too strictly like everything is clockwork. that's a failure even before u even start on anything. please open up and be more flexible as many times in life, things do not always happen the way we want them to be.

 

[mootie]

TS, u r not an entertainer.. dun have to entertain everyone else and make u n ur partner exhausted at the end of the day.

i attended a marraige preparation course. though i have juz attended the first lesson(with more coming), i think u should know this.

it's time to "leave" and u should start "cleaving". Leave as in leave ur parents and cleave means cling to ur partner. both u and ur wife should start doing tt since u r married. not leave literally and dun care about them.

u should be spending most of ur time with each other since u r starting a family. cling to each other. parents wise, juz pop by and have dinner with them or invite them out for dinner when both of u are available or on special occassion.

i believe both sides of parents will not enforce a ruling on you to accompany them twice a wk. think about it, our parents been thru tt too.. leaving their parents to start their family. so they'll understand, though loneliness can creep in. but thats part of life.