Gambling husband

G

gphm

New Member
After 3 years of marriage, I am very upset and tired. My husband lied to me about gambling. He said he do not have enough of money for wedding and house renovation then ask me to pay 1st. Then ask me lend him money for his gambling debts. After 2.5 years later of marriage, I discover he told his mum he needed $30K for wedding and house renovation. He took money from his mum on and off...Until this year, I knew the truth, he was lied to his mum that he need the money for wedding and renovation. Total he has taken $200k from his mum. His mum and brother told me...His family was very cold to me until this year when they knew the truth that all money my husband took is not for me. His brother and mother told me before his father died, his father said he has left a lump sum of money for him to marry.

We had a lot of quarrels and I told him if he change I will stay with him but now...he still gamble...still want to borrow money from me...but I do not have any money to lend him...
Now he just vents anger on him as and when he likes. I have done my best as a wife...i even lend a lot of money to pay his debt but he still vent his anger on me...he told me he want to find his female friend who is in oversea now. He said to me he married me because his female friend reject him...I am very hurt. If it is like that he should not have married me...now we have a daughter...I tried to get him see a family counselor with me, but after a few times, he refused to see. He said no money. But he has money to gamble and buy things...no money to see family counselor...Is he using me? Marry me for his father money to gamble? Can anyone advice me...thks
 


123,

I am out of words, coz how could you be attracted to such a guy in the first place? A guy who is asking you to pay for the wedding and reno has no back bone. The sign is so obvious, and I am just out of word that you are still attracted to him and willing to MARRy him? Hello, even if he is the only guy left in the world, I would not.

Wondering last time when you were dating, did you pay for all the dates? Then you should know your guy well and I assume you are happy with the role ...

Should not expet a guy to change ...
 
Vivien,

thks...I need someone to wake me up...the family counselor said I should give in...I am thinking is it my fault? My friend asked me to stay on for my daughter's sake...But I feel it seems wrong to stay with him...

During our dating he paid for all dates...just 1 week before ROM, i discovered he gamble...he promised to change. but after ROM, all the nightmare starts...
 
Just need some advice...will the court give me my daughter custody to me? As I have borrowed money from the bank to pay off his debt.
Now i am still repaying the loan.
 
123 (seems a bit strange to address you like that), I believe that if you are able to show tht you have the financial means ie. a proper job to show that you can raise your daughter, and if your daughter has stated clearly that she wants to stay with you, your chances of getting your daughter's custody should be high.

But I'm no lawyer so I strongly urge you to seek the counsel of a lawyer.

I'm personally glad that you have already considered leaving your husband. Your friend is not right. Your friend may believe your daughter needs a father, but your daughter does not need a father who she will constantly feel neglected by and unloved. In fact, it is because precisely for your daughter that all the more you need to seriously consider leaving your husband. Please try to understand that I am always someone who discourages seperation/divorce. But I believe that staying on in a family with a child who will pick up their parent bad habits will leave a far greater detrimental effect on the child's mentality in the long term run.

I do not know why your husband started the whole gambling thing. but he needs to seek professional help for his addiction. And you're not that person who can help him overcome his addiction, not even if you are a professional therapist. At best you can only try bring him to see one, but if you have tried and not succeeded, then you can only make do with your remaining options. In this case, the option of possibly leaving him.
 
I know a gambler inside out. The gamblers are always telling 101 lies to borrow money to gamble. Hoping that they can get back their capital. When they are winning, they wont stop gambling. They will continues, to the extend they lose back everything. Seriously, i suggest u should get him to see a counsellor.

But i am quite surprise he is actually saying these hurting words to u after u did so much to him. In fact, which female will accept him if he is such a compulsive gambler?

i think the court will give custody to u rather than a gambler.. seek some legal advice if u are bend to divorce him.
 
Songfeng, thanks for telling me. I will seek a lawyer for advice. I have s stable job. I hope the court will give me my daughter's custody. She is 2 years old. It is very sad to see that my husband keep on telling me he wants the family...but still do the same things like don't pay for baby things, never return me my money and still gamble...Just now quarrel again, he ignore me yesterday. I was doing housework then he just shouted at me “stop vacuuming". He just wanted to play his game. He did not care about my daughter. When my daughter cries, he beats her instead of comfort her.

Kessie, thks for replying. I agree gambler tell lies to get money to gamble. My father also a gambler. I feel very upset why my life is surrounded by gamblers. My father, my ex-boyfriend and now my husband. Luckily, my mum had a divorce with my father already. I will seek advice from family counselor also. He do not want to see the family counselor as he said he do not have money. I will try to ask him to see the counselor again. I hope I will not be soft-hearted. As every time after quarrel, the next day he will try to be nice to me...then I hope he can change... but it seems that he is not doing his part… I my spoken to a counselor that I should seek a lawyer for advice, speak to a family counselor and make the decision later.
 
123,

From what I'm seeing, you are still hoping to save him. I'm not saying trying to save your marriage or save him is wrong, but we must understand where the line is drawn where it's already tried and done and dusted. You are still carrying hopes that things need not be this way.

From the simple fact that you are now stating that when your daughter cries, he beats her. This is already scars on your daughter. Physical, emotional and mental scars. This is an alarm bell, a major warning sign to you to get her out of this home already before things get worse.

As to your question of why your life is surrounded by gamblers. It is well known in psychology and counselling fields that a woman will tend to find a guy most like their father, and a man will tend to find a woman most like their mother. It is the reason why in the helping profession, we often eg. tend to see women having abusive husbands because their father was similar. Or alcoholic husbands because their father is the same. But this is a long story for another day.

Right now, please seek the legal counsel as soon as you can. Do not delay. Do not keep telling yourself that he seems to be softer now, he has hopes of changing, maybe i should give him another chance, blahblahblah. Stop listening to his words, look at his actions. Actions speak louder than words. If you lack the will, you will be choosing to sink yourself into a deeper hole. Get out of the hole now asap. You are not just doing it for yourself, you are doing it for your daughter.
 
"When my daughter cries, he beats her instead of comfort her."

counselling???? are u crazy!!!? harlow, hitting a kid - 1 wrong blow and your daughter is DEAD.

build your strength, start anew without him pls...
 
123, let me share something with u. If u want to get ur hubby to see a consellor, it is much more cheaper to bring ur hubby to a polyclinic, then get the doctor there to refer him to IMH to see a specialist/counsellor/psychologist. But if u prefer to go direct to a private psychologist/ counsellor or directly to IMH, it will probably cost 2-3 times more expensive compared to the first alternative.

Secondly, if he ever been declared bankrupt, seen a counsellor for gamblings, family members can actually report and blacklist the gamblers to visit the Singapore IR (Casino). Exact details i am not too sure too... Have to check with the authority...
 
thanks for all your sharing & advices...sorry i took quite a wait to reply as my gal was having fever...she is ok now
 
Hi 123, I have the similar problem ... So lost now.

Me and my husband have been together for more than 8 yrs and married for 2yrs...
Past 3 months he learnt gambling from his colleague and he promised me that he wont lose more than 500bucks though I still didn't like he play that stuff. After 1 month, he told me that he need to borrow some money for his colleague and used my credit card to transfer 8k. After that, whenever I asked him about the money and he always have new story : 8k become 10k, then is 2k of shares. Until yesterday I told him that I really want to hear the truth and he finally told me the real TRUTH...

He never lent his money to his colleague but he has borrowed 40k from many ppls (his colleagues, my friends, my siblings and his siblings). He also dun have any income. I feel so angry when heard all these, he has cheated me for more than 5 times. I dunno if I shall choose to leave this guy... If want to divorce, I still need to wait for 3yrs is it?

Now I trying to borrow from my banks to try to return all these ppls money, I feel so ashame to face my friends and my sibling now ...

For the following months or years, I will have to pay all the bills and installments and I have to admit that he unable to return me anything till he settled those debts first.

Seems like wife always suffer from a gambling husband, why they can't change?
 
Qian Qian, gambling is an addiction... Its a kind of illness... Firstly u must understand their mentality... then u must cure their problem from the root... U can take bank loan to clear his debts now, but if he still don change, and continue to gamble even thou u have cleared his debt, the debts will still roll into a huge ball. So, did he really stop gambling? U must think of what u should do now to make him stop gambling....

If u are unsure whether he can change, then don take bank loan for him to clear.. i rather u let him max out his credit, wake up from his idea, learnt his lesson and finally decided to turn a new leaf before u help him to clear his debt.

Your saving can just wiped out in one night becos of his compulsive gambling...don forget.. gamblers lies, they tell 101 lies to cover up, to ask for money to gamble.. they are as good as a drug addict...
 
I agree with Kessie that Qian Qian should not take up bank loans to clear her husband's debts. Let him manage his debts himself.

I had a gambling ex-husband. I was not successful in helping him out of the addiction, so I chose to leave him.
 
Thx Kessie and Doll, I also can't be 100% sure that he has changed but I believed him has stopped gambling for 1 month due to owed too much money. I have to use the bank loan to clear his debts as those r my siblings and my friends.. Owed ppls money is more stress than owed bank money.

I not going to give him money for free, he has to return me all the money I borrowed with interest ... no matter how many years.

We have been together for 8yrs and only this yr he learnt this kind of habit .. I not sure if he is a compulsive gambler ... I really hope he will change, and he also promised me that he won't do it again...

One of my friend husband also never change, he stop and continue, I feel so scary for these kinds of compulsive gamblers.. So far is there any cases that the gambling husband has successfully changed to be good? Can share ur story?
 
Qian Qian, it is good to hear that he is willing to change....ur bf just pick up gambling this yr, then i guess it is much more easier to change him now while his root still haven't deepen. U got to counsel him and tell him the consequences he have to face in the future, becos of his one time foolishness. Everything got to pay...nothing comes free.

Yes.. there are cases where gambling husband turn over a new leaf, if u watch channel u on sunday morning ard 1030am last week. The gambler itself must have to be persistance. If he lack of the determination, then no one can help him.

For me... my bf is a compulsive gambler lo...he been gambling for the past 14 yrs.. No one can change him so far, his ex wife can't, his family can't. I pooled in all my money and loan to lend him money to clear, but it never helps at all. He just lie thru his teeth to get more money to gamble. So i gave up, he wanna gamble, go ahead, i am not going to care or nag. Right until last mth, his debts roll up to few hundred thousand...and he is on the verge of being sacked... then he learn his lesson..so far he have alrdy stopped gambling since few months back, i will still monitor him closely..

I always thought, i should have alrdy left him long ago, but then i can bear to do it, so i just hang on, try different methods to change him. Now, i can see my efforts being pay off....
 
Qian Qian, don't bank on others' success stories. Each gambler or gambling addict has a different story. Some will turn over a new leaf while MOST do not, and that's a fact. Don't take my word for it. You can go ahead and try to help your husband and see if that can change him. I hope you wouldn't go overboard yourself when you dish out help to him. I did all I could to help my ex-husband. I threw in tens of thousands. I spent six years. But I didn't borrow from anyone for him because I didn't believe in inheriting his problems from him. I had saved myself a lot of trouble by steering clear of debts myself.
 
Hi Qian Qian
I second what Doll has said.

As much as you love your hubby and wants to help him, pls do your sums 1st before taking up that bank loan...make sure you'll be able to comfortably repay that loan eventually. $40k is no small sum and with the current economic situation, no one can be assured that his/her rice bowl will be there tomorrow...especially if you're in the finance/banking industry.

What if you took bank loan to repay his current debt and he doesn't turn over a new leaf...incurring more debt in future. This is something you'll have to think about.
 
Do you know how people change over a new leaf? It's usually not because they become grateful to someone who's helped them out or made some sacrifices for them. People usually learn when they have to go through fire themselves and feel how it is like to be burned.

I believe the best help now is don't soften and take over his problems, in Qian Qian's case, the debts. Don't be that safety net for him or else he would not feel the pain or desperation himself to think it necessary to change.

I bailed ex-husband out whenever he got into money problems. Did that help him? NOT permanently. He continued to get into more money problems and inventing more lies to cover up or get more money from me. But it did help me to realise that such form of aid DOES NOT work. It woke me up.
 
It's too late, I already took up the bank loan. Purpose is to return money to those friends, I feel ashame to face these ppls.

I have heard a lot of ppls comment, gamblers will only change when they go thru themselves... I think I won't help him anymore, I also unable to return all the money to those ppls.. The rest he has to face them himself.

We have ROM and bought house. I actually want to save money to do bridal shooting and AD next yr but now it won't happen. Next 2 yrs I will be 30.. so depressed ...

I didn't tell my parents about this as I afraid they will look down him. His family also didn't aware of what he has done ...
 
qian qian, to keep mum about it will not help matters one bit. Sooner or later, the truth will still come to light. If anything, the more you keep quiet about it, the more his gambling habit will be reinforced because nobody knows about it.
 
Hmm Qian Qian, for your case, i think don give up hope for him yet.. Anywae, just make it known to him that he is going to pay u for what u loan from the bank, and also let him know that this is the most u can do for him, not even 1 more cent in the future... Meanwhile, try to counsel him, or send him to see a psychologist if needed. Tame him before he grow into a terrible monster...
You can try controlling his finance, like confiscating all his atm card, credit card, his payroll, and mkaing use of his payroll to return ur debts and his debts...When he has no money, he might stopped gambling, but then he can also gamble on credit... depends on his character..
At least u can take it steps by steps...

Meanwhile, maybe try to blacklist him in the IR before it open, so he cant be easily tempted by the devil of gamblings in the future..
 
giving up hope is one thing... going into a huge debt to show a sense of (false) hope is another thing...

fear abt pple looking down is not only Stupid, but it's also not worth LYING, Borrowing Money, and creating a whole web of DECEIT just to 'not look bad' or not have pple 'look down' on u.

it's better to work on pple looking up to u... than to waste time making pple not look down on u.

the intentions might be good, but the whole approach is bad, dishonest and likely to create a bigger hole. taking responsibility for other pple's problem is not noble. it's a warped sense of chivalry tat is deceitful.
 
No use trying to control his finances. He will not appreciate your effort of bailing him out and taking on loans for him. He is likely to resent you one day for restricting his finances and life like a mother.

Humans are like this. They don't work for it, they will take it for granted. Let him learn the mistakes. Don't cushion everything for him. It aren't worth it. All the face losing etc. He must face it bravely to learn the lesson.

You can stick with him and be supportive but whatever restrictions and determination to change and work things must come him and not you.
 
I am almost speechless. It's like reading my own story being played out now in others' life...perhaps they would one day tread the path I had treaded...

This is like Episode 1. I think I can predict how the plot would unfold in the coming episodes...

My only advice for Qian Qian is: Don't hold yourself responsible for his shit. Don't blame yourself for his downfall and failure. Don't force yourself to stay married to your husband if he continues in his shitty ways.
 
If you care to admit, gambling is NOT the only problem he gives you. For example, you will find that a gamblier has integrity issue too. He will invent lies to cover up his addiction and debts. He will come up with excuses on why he gambles again and again. A gambler is usually a person who can't face the reality, is unrealistic, ill-disciplined, lacks self-control, can't delay gratification, etc.
 
"he told me he want to find his female friend who is in oversea now. He said to me he married me because his female friend reject him...I am very hurt. If it is like that he should not have married me"

I find that he doesn't respect you as his wife too. Are you so compromising all the time until he takes you and everything you do for granted?

I wonder how much longer can you go on in the marriage. You will be drained of emotion and $$$ sooner or later ...
 
I'm quite concern on 123's case as she has a daughter and her husband not only gamble but still hurt her with words : "He said to me he married me because his female friend reject him"

123, can you reply hows ur situation now??
 
"If you care to admit, gambling is NOT the only problem he gives you"...
All the signs are there. I agree with Doll... Truth hurts. By ignoring them, it aren't going away. You will just get burnt and he will see it you being heartless in not bailing him out. He is not being RESPONSIBLE for his actions.
 
hi green, cherry,

Thanks for your concern...I feel very upset...

I went to counselor a few days ago...I was advice to know about other options before I made my choice...so need to seek legal advice

Just now my husband vent anger at me again. He wants to borrow money but I don't have...as I told him I just bought a phone as it is spoilt...I feel very heart pain already spending money. He didn't even console me but scolded me. He said that he actually wants to borrow money from me!

Sometimes, i dun feel taking the advice like considering my decision... just feel like divorce cos I feel he will not change...I feel so naive when I used to think things will be better...I hope I will not be soft-hearted again...

It seems that my husband's colleagues also gambles alots...one big group...Very disappointed for his job profession. I always look upon them but until this thing, no more...
 
Hi 123, the counsellor cannot make a decision for you. You have to decide what to do with your husband and the marriage. I believe the reason why she has referred you to seek legal advice is part of her assessment that this is an option you should consider?

Like I have told Qian Qian, besides gambling, lying, the spouse of a gambling addict has to face many a host of other problems including excessive borrowing, bad temperament, bad behaviour, joblessness, other addictions such as to online gaming, etc.

I realised that hoping for the best and bailing a gambler out of money problems WILL NOT change the situation. In fact, you can be feeding that addiction.
 
qian qian,

Sorry to hear that your husband also gambles...It must be very hard on you to borrow money to return his friends - You have to suffer all this nonsense.

I learnt from the counselor that I have to protect myself - don’t' lend him money anymore.

I hope this will helps...
 
Doll,

You are a strong lady, you must have been through a lot..

Thanks, I agree with you...there are many problems/ side effect of a gambling addict. I am facing it now - gambling, bad temperament, bad behaviour. I have not lending him money as I have learnt to protect myself...

I agree very much with you on this:
Don't hold yourself responsible for his shit. Don't blame yourself for his downfall and failure. Don't force yourself to stay married to your husband if he continues in his shitty ways.
 
Its easy to place the resentment on gambling but frankly, its really just another addictive interest.

The issue that addicts have doesn't lie so much on the activity itself but on the individual weakness and failure to set his priorities.

I'm saying this as a gambler myself that have lost big and got burnt before. But I have never allowed myself to fall into debts. Money lost is just expenses of my hobby. Money won, its bonus to spend with my family. Its the same how some aunties can play mahjong with the same group of friends with amounts of thousands for a life-time without getting into debts. The expectation in gambling mustn't be winning or recuperating loses. Math and logic is against the odds. It is a leisure activity that comes with a cost. We must only spend within one's budget.

Someone that doesn't know how his/her limits have a serious issue. No one can help him learn the lesson. They need to learn it themselves. Family, friends and social organizations can only offer advises and support. Nothing more. They CANNOT sponsor for their gambling hopes to recuperate.

I'm not talking as a saint or something here. The effects of gambling is indeed dangerous. The temptation to recuperate loses is very real. But life is about choices. Some people have bigger risk appetites. We are fully accountable to our choices in life. No one live a perfect life. It is absolutely possible that I'm might end up an addict if I'm not careful myself.

Think about it... How many got burnt by the recent financial crisis? We are all in a big global gamble. Like it or not, life is a gamble. We are all in this big casino. Some stakes are placed beyond our control. Our jobs, careers, investments etc are all somehow involved.
 
123

I was trained by my ex-husband to be strong haha.

Seriously, I don't glorify divorce and I am not proud of it either. I just take it as a necessary phase of my life since I had a husband that I no longer could live with.

We are much luckier than our mothers' generation. Back then, people frowned upon divorce, singlehood or even married but childless. You could be ostracised as a result. The situation has improved much since.

Anyway, are you going to seek some legal advice?
 
it is so tiring for me to go throught the gambling side effect circle again...I remember just last week my husband vent his anger on me...I just happen to enjoy some peace and now it start again...oh on i don't know when i can't stand it anymore...just feel very tired now...it's very unfair he just vent anger on me and make me cry. Then now he is sleeping happily!
 
Doll,

You are an indeed strong lady. I am trying very hard to force myself to be strong and not be softhearted. Failed many times...

Agree, that time my mother's generation, they disagree her divorce. She managed to have a divorce when she is in her 50s...

Yes, thanks. I am trying to seek legal advice. But it seems that the free legal advice only certain day and it is by appointment. And I have to go privately...I saw some private law firm website have free legal advice. Will also try hearing what is their advice.
 
It was the other way round for my ex-husband and me. I was the one who always got angry at him and he would either leave home for days, ignore me for days (cold war) or acted like the victim instead accusing me of being cruel for not helping or supportive.

Sleepless nights were normal...
 
123, I didn't become strong overnight. The whole saga dragged for six years! But at least I put an end to it with my own hands. It was my conscious choice. You will find strength in your decision, I believe. I hope you will make a WISE decision for your girl and yourself so that you will know what happiness really feel like again.
 
Doll,

Your ex really acts so well like a victim...he is too much...luckily you made the right choice...

I feel its normal for you to be angry. Every time, I got angry & cry.

I was advice by counselor try to hold my temper, ignore him as to take care of myself. Normally, after my husband vent his anger on me or we quarrel. I can't sleep. I can't imagine he still can sleep so soundly. And it is unfair, he work shift hours. For example, the next morning I need to work early then he off or work night shift. He can still sleep

6 years, it must be very painful and torturing for you. Through this 6 years, you became strong. It has not been easy for you. You made the WISE choice. Really glad for you. I can say ladies who overcome this are strong women. As there are many emotional, physical and mental stress

I have to settle my soft-heartiness problem...Once he be nice to me then my heart will melt and think things will be better. I hope I can be strong and hope can wake up!
 
I did ignore him for a year or so and focused on myself and my life, so we were amicable during that period. But the anger came back after I discovered another money problem waiting for me to resolve.

I was also soft-hearted partly because that was my nature and partly due to him victimising himself or seeking my forgiveness and assistance.

I felt personally responsible for his problems. As wife, I felt my husband's problems were mine too. It was a sense of guilt in me and a ray of false hope that kept the vicious circle going on for six years.

I kept asking myself how come my husband had to treat me this bad. One day, I came to realise that it was I who allowed him to treat me the way he treated me. So, change had to begin from myself.
 
Hi Doll, d u regret for the 6yrs spent with ur ex? If let u choose again, will u decide to leave him earlier? How's ur life now?

Yesterday he out of temper when I questioned him about money, that time I really think of just divorce... Why I have to use my years to suffer with him if he never change? After that he appologize to me, I were so soft heart and forgive him..

I feel so unsafe now, I really have no confident if he will change good... I wish my mom can give me some advices but I can't tell her to make her worry...

Everyday I were vexed about the debts, it was too much.. must spend at least 2yrs to clear .. Am I going to stay with unhappiness like this?
 
soft-heartedness is not excuse for foolishnessm u should really get your act together and realise your true worth...
 
Qian Qian

There is no point regreting over the past. You can't go back in time to erase, undo or correct your past, but you definitely have control to your present life and the future. That is why it is important to make right your life from here and now.

I am happy that I wise up.
 
Humans have the capacity to forgive, but your forgiveness of him does not mean you must continue your walk with him.

I decided to let go of the marriage, freeing us of the obligation to walk together.

Walk with someone that you can and enjoy the walk with, not because you have an obligation to.
 
that advice is about as good as it gets... simple and easy to understand.

it's sad that until today, pple assume and presume that they have to marry someone simply becos they love this someone. that it all ends in marriage. tat it's the rite of passage.

i learnt at the age of 15 tat i can love without the need to possess a person physically... and tat made it very easy to let go of things tat are not meant to happen, or things tat will not make me happy in life.

there's still pple who wants to be in love with the person, have a life with this person, change this person. actually if 1 element is missing... happiness cannot exist. if u choose to stay, u're simply rejecting happiness.
 
Doll,

"One day, I came to realise that it was I who allowed him to treat me the way he treated me."

Sometimes I also think this way...I hope I can walk out of this as soon as possible
 


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