Forgive again? Please lead me the way...I am totally lost..

Thinkk

Someone very dear to me divorced in her early 50's after years and years of mental and emotional stress in a failed marriage. It's been 3 years since the end of marriage, and I've never seen her this free and happy.

I'm not saying that you should get a divorce now. Just bear in mind that there are consequences for every action.

Don't be fooled time and again by his words. Those are just words, very easy to say. Focus on his actions, those are facts.
 


Hi Powder i know wat u mean..

some couples stay as rather as soulmate-frens than married couple.. in fact as married couples get older this is even the case..
 
Hi Lyn i know every action has a consequences .. that's the reason why i am now preparing for the consequences if it didnt work out

it needs lot of courage as probably i have been emotionally & financially (after i left my last job 1 yr ago) depending on him.

It's always easier to say then do ..
 
I empathise with you but I dun sympathise you. You are where you are cuz you chose to thread this path. If you are looking for conviction to stay on in the marriage, I'm sorry but I dun think you'll get it here.

It amaze me that you could accept the fact and forgive him when he was involved w that same gal from yr 5 over and over again, n that you are only thinking of letting go cuz he's looking for another new one.. How do you do that?? You really have a big heart...

However you have to ask yourself if he is worth all the heartaches. He knows he can get away with all the flings cuz you will never leave him. Is that what you are planning to do?

The way I see it, he's only hanging onto you to fulfil his obligations as a husband. Nothing more.
 
yup, give some thought-process in this direction... if that's actually the case of your marriage, then perhaps looking at it this way might take the guilt & frustrations off.
 
I need to be really strong & brave to leave as I still love him & am now without a job & job mkt is not going to pick up soon .. but i don think i will let him get his way this time ..

How old are u gals? married?
 
Sometimes you just need to have the impulse to leave.....and build strength to stick to your decision and action.

I was in my mid-30s when I decided to leave the exhb.
 
Hi doLL i am in early 40's that why i hesitate the consequences I am going to face...

as i mentioned earlier if I am in early 30's or mid 30's & has a job i wont hesitate..
 
just to share .. my mom is in her late 50s and she and my dad have been divorced for 4 years, they were married for about 30 years. she is a homemaker .. so please don't use age as a reason.
 
Do you have a house to go back to? As in your parents'? If yes and since u dun have any kids, then financially it should not b so much of a burden. Even with the poor economy jobs are still available, it's a matter of the kind of job you want. Fast food restaurants are still hiring, no?

Strength is a mind-thingy. If you think you are strong, you will be.

I'm in my early 30s and is in the midst of leaving my hb. I dun think age should play any part. It's never too old to get your own life back.
 
Thinkk,

whatever choice you make at this point, you will be facing consequences, anyway:

1) Stay, and continue to be in a 'happy marriage': Insecure, Indignant, Incapable of preventing STDs.

2) Leave, and seek out your new life: Self-finance, Self-achieved happiness, Self-attained new goals. Gotta be self-reliance liao.

Face the reality, accept the reality. Don't regret the future path in this present crossroad. Can you?
 
Shouldn't this be a wake-up call to you now, that you should quickly learn to earn your buck?

If I were in your situation, I would quickly find a job.
 
Thinkk

"It's always easier to say then do .." Of course, we all know that for a fact. Once you have this mentality, you are doomed. Everything will be tough, tiring and impossible.
 
cuclainne thanks for sharing

but yr mom at least has achieve something in her marriage & her kids to stand besides .. I have nothing .. & 40's is either here or there .. not young to find another new companian & not old enough to stay alone for rest of the life.. u know wat i mean
 
Every age group has its own advantage.

40s is a great age to be - either alone or with someone else.

The world is so big. Why do we limit ourselves to artificial limits - such as age or in our outlook?
 
Yes i see the tough road in front of me ..

after 1 yr+ of relax life not working & travelling lots with my hubby, drive gd car, monthly allowances, all things are paid for me i need not worry a single thing in life since i was married.. or since i met him.. he do everything for me ..

even file income tax, he folds my clothes .. tidy my waredrob for me .. massage my shoulder when i have backache .. we do housework together.. be there for me when i was retrenched twice .. all bills paid by him.. everything arrange nicely for me

When he travels he will make sure he top up the cash card & petrol for me bef he goes..

When we travel together he carries my 3kg laptop & luggage for me .. paid for all my shopping (i know not all husband do that)

he accompany me shopping no doubts he does not like that

i begin to afraid of losing all these & need to work hard & earn for $$ ..
 
again... i repeat. Divorce is not the only option. But, you should only lament this long. Don't remain in self-deceiving or pity mode forever.

Things u meantioned, I did all for my wife too. But, it will be tragic that she remains married to me because of that only. As much as others are advising u, u make your call. Just don't regret it nor go in a vicious cycle. We only live once.
 
guess his actions is not going unnoticed by girls around him... i'm impressed even as a guy, so u can imagine the hordes of female fans... i can't fault u for wanting the stay...
 
same sentiments...u r juz afraid of losing all tat u have now...all the material things....the 'gd' life....not needed to work & can still live like a tai tai....
 
yes divorce is not the only option .. my friend told me some church have marriage workshop to help couples whom husband got affair & at the end they patch back & renew the vow

i am not sure if that work for my case.. i just need to talk over it to be clearer on wat i want & the direction i shld be heading

Thanks gals for your response at least i know there are listener..

I haven't told my sis yet as i know if i speak i will break into tears
 
so holding on to an empty marriage is achieving something, then? like the others said, seems like you're not staying in it for the love - more like material gain. if you're ok with him fooling around, then just treat it like he's your housemate la ..

fyi, my in-laws also divorced when they were in their 40s and both have moved on - my FIL even went on to have two more children with my step-MIL.
 
"guess his actions is not going unnoticed by girls around him... i'm impressed even as a guy, so u can imagine the hordes of female fans... i can't fault u for wanting the stay..."

I was impressed too till I scrolled up the page and read that he had strayed at least three times in seven years.

I know how it feels to have a man who deals you not only sweetness but also bitterness, that's how you have mixed feelings about him.
 
he does so many things for me don you consider that's love?

If you don love yr home will u border to clean the house everywk? or leave it to the wife?

If u don love yr wife will u bring her so frequently while u travel & arrange every single thing for her so she need not worry?... might as well travel freely so u can do watever shit u wan?

we have been thru' lots of rough road together as well .. that's why i treasure not jus the material part but for all he done for me
 
Yes doLL it's mixed feeling for him .. to me he's a gd husband but ... bad guy???

how u define bad guy?

a bad husband that don bother to take care of house & kids (wife has to do all the shits).. has bad habbits like gamble etc etc but don have affairs

or a good husband but have an affair?
 
There are many versions of good husband; ditto for bad husband. You don't have to be a wife beater, gambler, womaniser, child abuser, drug user, gangster, all in to be a bad husband.

Anyway, your husband sounds like a good man (for all that he's done for you) but a bad husband who can't keep his pants on?
 
the three times (in 2 yrs) is with the same woman.. after that we have settled this problem & try to make our marriage work
 
Thinkk,

Pardon me for saying... You are asking people here to lead you. Everyone has been contributing, telling you a fact but you just simply refused to listen.

The probably best answer for you is to close both eyes and remain by his side... forget and erase wat you have seen... this will help you to move on...

This is probably the best way out for you.
You can continue to love him but close your eyes on his affairs as long as he file income tax, he folds your clothes .. tidy ur waredrob, massage ur shoulders & back when u have backache .. ousework together.. be there for u when u.. all bills paid by him.. everything arrange nicely for you and lastly, top up the cash card & petrol.

sorry but i think I need to highlight why u stay on here... I dun see love at all from your side...
 
hahaha... powder, that's a good one.

Thinkk, I don't doubt that he started out with love, but u should now start reading them as "obligations".

Btw, my hb does those stuffs for me too, except for the filing of income tax part.
 
ya doll, i know... i just being abit cheeky there... heavy lunch, trying to keep awake...
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on a serious note, i see the marriage more like a roomies kind of love... the type where perhaps u go study, stay in same rented flat and 'fall in love' type...
 
Powder, I knew you were being that lah. Just that I had really wanted TS to answer my question lor, and not think that the question was for you mah.
 
janie, my husband doesn't do many of those things either .. but then again, i'm not expecting him to cos i don't treat him like a maid or a personal assistant.
 
cuc, right...thanx for answering my qns..guess my hub does love me....dont he?

*grins....can some kind soul pls assure me with wat i wanna hear??? :P
 
after reading all the post here.. all i can say is..

you ladies & gentlemen are simply wasting ur time here.. becos she is simply NOT listening.. she is still living on her own world. If she is not gg to help herself, none of us can help her at all.

If she wans her tai tai lifestyle, then simply keep her eyes close and live on.. if not, kindly leave ur LOVED Hb..

just my 2cents worth..
 
In your case, it is NOT LOVE. it is time and time again of EXPLOITATION, MANIPULATION AND EMOTIONAL BLACKMAIL.

my dear friend, you have a soft heart and he knows that that is why he taps on that every single time you find out about the affair. You want someone to dictate your life through emotional blackmail or you want to stand up for yourself with a backbone and say enough is enough?!

I know taking the first step is NEVER EVER EASY. Nobody said it was easy. Take an analogy of buying 4D/TOTO, if you never buy, you never know if you will strike or not. The chances are if you buy, the probability of you striking is higher than not. Drawing similarities, take the first step to BE SELFISH FOR ONCE and do SOMETHING FOR YOURSELF. step out of it. Chances are you are either happily single or he will realize the impact of the loss of you and things might get back on track (which i hope maybe not but there is a chance).

Sometimes, having the taste of losing something will give one a super rude wake up call and realize the impact of the loss and yearning. You need to let him know YOU USED TO LIVE FOR THE BOTH OF YOU, NOW FOR GOD'S SAKE LIVE FOR YOURSELF. Who knows, give it two or more months of hibernation and separation period, he might realized the loss of you is hard to bear and he might "actually try?" I am NOT sure of the chances of that but hey, everything you take is a gamble. Either you put your right hand in, or your right hand out.

At the end of the day, all i am saying here essentially is STOP BEING A SADOMASOCHIST and continuously TORTURE YOURSELF over and over again. Think for yourself, be RESPONSIBLE for yourself. If you can't even love yourself enough to not want to HURT yourself, then what capabilities do you have to say you love him?

P.S: erm... this ain't suppose to sound so angry or offensive with the CAPS. just emphasizing the important things i wanna say.
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To be honest, my advice to the REST of the forumers here is not to give a rat's ass anymore to what she's going to say...

I said it once and I'll said it again...

she's living in this wonder world where she's just too lazy and too comfortable to leave...No wonder the hubby can do all he wants...Cos what can that lazy ass good-for-nothing wife of his do to him...

Your post at 2.21pm is already a GOOD INDICATOR that you are still finding excuse for him and his behaviour...and to be honest, it actually makes me sick to see someone so heavily reliant on a person...What do you live for each day? Just taking each day as it comes and wasting them away?

If you are still insistent on finding excuses to stay married to him to continue pursuing your comfortable life...then do us a bloody favor and NOT POST HERE ANYMORE seeking for advice!
 
We are all wasting our time here giving her advice, she already said that her material assets are too important for her to give up her current lifestyle and she's willing to suffer in silence bcos of that.

So just let her be lah ok? Just hope that her next post won't be asking for advice on how to file for divorce, what to do if her husband walks out on her etc. etc.
 


sometimes you wonder why some people who deserve to get married and live happily "ever since" are not getting the luck to do so while people who are getting married are tarnishing the whole idea of marriage huh.

a big gosh.
 
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