Forgive again? Please lead me the way...I am totally lost..

T

thinkk

New Member
I am lost .. I forgiven my hubby once..twice.. 3rd time over the 7 yrs .. shld I forgive him again the 4th time? I wonder if we will celebrate the 8th anniversary together this yr?

I am really hurt this time .. i wish i could jus walk out of this marriage but i hesitate ..

we are loving couples without kid.. & we really are despite my hubby has very low sex drive & does not substain we hardly have sex due to his extremely stressful job, but i have tried to adjust ..

we have been trying for baby for so many yrs but it never happen & I don think it will ever happen! (couples who have kids u are really lucky!!)

He treats me very well.. caring.. we both take care of each other well.. However this does not last as most marriage is not happily ever after

On our 3rd yr i realise he has an affair.. he delined & we got resolved as I trusted him 100%

On the 5th yr i realise he's still seeing the same girl, he explained well & i forgiven him

On the 7th yr i realise he's still calling the same girl, i almost broke down but i don wan the effort of trying to make this marriage work go to drain so I forgive him the 3rd time, also he called the girl in front of me to broke off. I can see his sincerety.

Now the 8th yr.. accidently i found out he's looking out for new girl! he's paying for sex!
how cld this ever happen to me??!!!!!! I feel so hurt .. He has so low sex drive so how could this be possible?

Please lead me the way... i am totally lost.. coming 8 yrs of marriage with a guy whom i feel i could trust 100% or more & he's a gd husband who take care of wife perfectly well ... so wat went wrong?
 


You mentioned that he have low sex drive and yet he's bonking everywhere...

I'm confused...Do you even know him?
Or are you just trying to avoid the painful truth that he doesn't treasure the marriage anymore...

You post reeked of excuses for him...Of cos, he's going to keep betraying your faith. What he needs to do when he's caught is just to put up another act of loving husband, and you'll forgive him all over again using some lame excuse...

You need to reassess your ideals that he still is the loving husband that you built him up to be...
Wake up!!! The only wrong here is you constantly giving him excuses for him to keep doing all these actions...Start facing the reality!
 
Hi Thinkk,

Do you tink perhaps your 8yr marriage really has no more "fire" already? Afterall, of cos nowdays in Spore is common to be DINK but we are still human, is natural to go after new and fresher stuff especially, your case only 2 of you till now.

I would say, you have forgiven ur hubby for so many times already, yet he still cheat on you. Enuf is enuf, you have done enuf for your marriage. If your hubby really care n luv you, he shouldn't cheat on you the 2nd time again n again.. Dun be foolish ...

However, if u really cannot part with him, You have to bear all his nonsense n act as if nothing is going on. Do u tink you can take it? Will it be meaningful cos you wont know whether he still luv and care for you as a spouse?

How abt trying to bore him a child of your own? It may add some difference and more resposibility in this marriage. With a child, no doubt a lot of changes is concerned, i am sure if he really luv you, ur hubby will definitely commit himself in this family.

Do give it a thought over it and gauge urself whether there is still luv between him n u most imptly. Then u decide on your own. We give views only.

Best wishes.
 
I didnt make up excuse for him. He suffers from erectile dysfunction doc said it's pyschology when one is too stressful, so we went for quite a few holidays to relax & really make lots of effort to make it work. that's why I am lost & confused too ..

He hasn't find out that i know abt this recent case in late last yr (which i jus found out yest) .. i am going to confront him when he returns.. then will be the decision to stay or go
 
Hi sunnyday

Yes i think 8 yrs seems has much lesser fire.. we have tried IUI, IVI but still not successful.. no way for IVF (it's beyond my limits!)

We thot of adoting but hesitate..
 
Hi Thinkk

Could it be a case of 'want to have sex' but 'cant do it' due to erectile dysfunction? I may be wrong, but I just think that having erectile dysfunction does not mean he does not have his urge and he is trying to find it it's a pyschological thing that he can get over it with another woman. Otherwise, I would think it's out of boredom or impulse that he is looking for sex elsewhere for this latest event.

I share with you that my previous marriage went down the drain after 7 years together (including dating period) when my ex cheated again and again and I forgave again and again and he took it for granted that I will stick by him. When I finally left (also for other reasons), he changed, but it was too late becos my heart was dead by then.

I hope your talk with him bring positive outcome on the real reasons why he's doing it, rather than confrontation.
 
Hi let me amend:

the affair starts in 5th yr (not 3rd yr), follow by 6th to 7th yr seeing the same girl.
 
Hi Alina thanks for your post.

At the begining he did mentioned he feel very hollow in his heart as he can't satisfy me as a man. & we wanted to have kid so badly tried so hard but no succeed..

His job is so stressful yet he does not know he work so hard for wat? no kid no motivational factors as he sees his buddy friends married & have 2 kids each.. we feel so left out in his friends' gathering & fear people ask us .. as couples whom have easily got kids may not understand the problems we been thru ..

U are right he want to have sex but he can't do it so he has been very frustrated abt it. Every time we have to try so hard to let it eract & substain, don talk abt ejecting... that's why we went IUI & IVI

We are together for coming 11 yrs (including dating period).. that's why i treasure the time we been thru..

yes i need to find out why is he doing this? & does he really treasure this marriage as much as I do?
 
Hi thinkk,

possible to consider accepting the fact that both of you would be childless? Can see that you yearn to start a family but can't. Could this be added stress to your husband?

There are many couples who have great marriage life without children.
 
doesn't excuse the fact that he's cheated time and time again .. if you're ok with this kind of life, then don't complain and just accept it ..
 
Hi thinkk,

I feel it doesn't really matter whether you are childless or not. The fact that your husband has time and agin cheated on you. Did he make promises to you that he would not cheat again after each time you found out?

I know it is going to be difficult to let go after 11 yrs together but you must reflect and think about what is he trying to do to you? Emotionally and physically he is an absent husband. He is frustrated not being able to ejaculate but he is not frustrated sleeping with other women? I find that those are just excuses. There is only SO MUCH a woman can take.

I always rememver a proverb. "Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice, shame on me". So are you going to tolerate more of these.

I will suggest that you move on with your life. You have the right to have a better life and to a better man than the sorry excuse of that husband.

I hope that i didn't offend you with my harsh words.
 
Hi thinkk

Perhaps he wants to have sex but cannot because he already has gotten it satisfied elsewhere? My dear, yes, understanding why he's doing this may be important but if I were you, I'd be worried about contracting some disease from him since he is now looking to pay for sex.

A man only cheats time and again because the wife allows it to happen by forgiving him time and again. To him, since he can get away with it the 1st, 2nd, 3rd ... time, so why not a next time?

A marriage in a current state like yours is not ready for kids. It may work out like sunnyday says but most times, it is too big a risk to take. We do not need another child growing up in a dysfunctional family.

Too often, we place too much emphasis on the number of years we have spent with someone, that's why we cannot let go. That's shallow, don't you think? Why are we measuring the importance of the relationship with the length of time?
 
I need to add that whatever the driving force is behind repeatedly cheating on you, it is still cheating. It really does not matter why because there is no good reason for repeated offenders.

Alina - I can relate to you. I hope you found your happiness.
 
stop excusing for him. He doesn't have a low sex drive. He is just shooting elsewhere. WAKE UP.

Yes, forgive him and move on. But, u should also reflect and think if u should continue the marriage. Forgiveness doesn't mean erasing history and living life as if nothing has happened. Forgiving is for oneself to move on from the hurt and pain. That, u should to be less punishing on yourself. Find happiness and not stick on memories.
 
He is frustrated about his inability to have sex with you and yet he can go outside and have paid sex? Don't you find this ironic? Either he's a damn good liar or you are just too blind to see the other side of him.

From the way I see it, you can either:

stay with him, close one eye and continue to be cheated by him (since he can do it so many times, what's another few more times to him?)

OR

leave him and his lies behind, you are better off without him anyway

And please DON'T add to the growing statistics of HIV positive people here in Singapore, the numbers are bad enough already as it is.
 
You very funny...

Still coming up with excuses for him...stress from work lah, ED lah...All excuses!

If he's suffering from work related stress and ED; then how do you explain all those extra curriculum activites that he have? How does your doctor explain that???

And worse, some GENIUS here suggest having a kid as a solution and hoping that MAYBE it'll solve the problem...Harlo!!! What if it didn't?! What's going to happen to the poor kid?! Sometimes, it just amazes me to find that there are still such naive people out there who seems that having a children is a be-all-solve-all solution to marriage problems!

You should be having a kid only when the marriage is happy and you're really to take on the responsibility of being a parent! And not use it as a problem solving tool for you and your spouse in times of trouble!
 
Hi Tired_Mom

we have kind of accepted the fact of childless but still with some hope that miracle will happen.. yes it add stress to him as he feels he disappoint his parent too
 
Totally agree with powderful on the having kid part. The child is innocent, please DON'T even think about having one to solve your problems ok?

You are just trying to draw up more excuses for him just so that you feel better. Don't put up with him anymore, you have the right to deserve someone better.
 
Hi thanks for all yr comments ..

I didnt excuse the fact that he has cheated again & again.. but the cheating is with the same woman so i was giving myself more time to think over it that he may need time to settle his affair .. but again 2 yrs is too long to settle an affair ..

& after this affair he's finding new girl (in overseas) who if he can click well he is willing to support her monthly (the email is in Oct last yr..) after that no follow up email.. so i don know if he's still seeing this girl

I really don know wat's he trying to do? Obviously he has changed so much thru' the yrs..

but recently he has improved on his ED well that we able to have more satisfied sex

but i know if i forgive him again there's probably no end to it.. as i do not know when will this happen again?

so this time when i saw the email i was so hurt & lost .. after that i tried to calm down & think the next step ..

I am not working at the moment so if i leave him my life will be a big change & i am in early 40's so that hesitate me how i shld move on?
 
I have been hesitating to adopt kid or adpot god daughters like u gals said.. wat if one day it happen again? wat am I going to do with the innoccent kid?
 
Thinkk

The possibility of STD is very real here. We only have one life. Live it with no regrets.

You asked: "Please lead me the way... i am totally lost.. coming 8 yrs of marriage with a guy whom i feel i could trust 100% or more & he's a gd husband who take care of wife perfectly well ... so wat went wrong?" You allowed yourself to sink into denial. That's what went wrong.

I separated from my husband (scenario is not unlike yours) after months of being in denial, followed by a period of brutal honesty spurred by good friends and ultimately myself. And now, I'm living to tell you that I found happiness. And that happiness is myself.

All the best.
 
Even if you choose to remain in the marriage for financial practical reasons. Sort out your thinking. Don't go on more years of roller coaster rides. You should have settle your heart and not go on the hurts each time he betrays you.

If you choose to remain on this marriage only for financial reasons, set that mentality and expectation right. Know what you are in for in this continued marriage. Don't come cry father and mother anymore about it.
 
it's 2 yrs of affair .. i am giving him a chance to it.. but now he's looking for new i doubt i can tolerate such nonsense..

I need to be very strong to leave this marriage as all my friends & family see us as such a loving couple .. & in fact I have been happy with him till i find out this..
 
If that's the case, adjust your mindset. Don't be in denial that you are in a loving marriage. Accept that you are staying in the marriage for financial reasons, not love. It will help tremendously the next time you find out he's sleeping with some other woman yet again.

Otherwise, start working. Save money and plan for your exit.

Life's all about choices.
 
Oh for the hell of it...

Hire a PI; get photo evidence; sue him for adultery; get 50% of his assets plus maintenance and live a happy life...

There...I said it!
And I never thought I will...
 
what 2 yrs of affair? something wrong with your math?

From 3rd yr to 7th, Same gal and now paid sex.

Friend, obviously, u r not thinking straight. Morals aside, there is no fixed answers for you. Be true to yourself and search for your happiness. Be it within, outside or beyond the marriage. Bottomline, you have to stop the source of your hurts. The method need not be divorce. Consider the pros and cons and every decision and find your answers. Not advocating anything except for you to stop lying to yourself.
 
milo - you missed one of her posts. Thinkk corrected 3rd to 5th year of marriage when she found out about the affair.
 
I am staying in this marriage for love too as we both cried when i found out he has an affair..

I have been travelling with him as well as his job require him to travel lots..

maybe i still can't accept the fact of divorce, maybe i am old fashion girl who believe marriage will work thru' rough & thin..

That's why i am very puzzle..
 
Yah...of cos he cried...

What do you expect him to do?
He needs to portray that image of a stressed-out, ED husband mah...so that he can gain your sympathies and moved on to another woman...

Ok lah...you people have fun dealing with her issues...I have had enough dealing with people like her for now...

I'm out for now...This Duracell bunny have just ran out of batteries...


PS : That's until I found replacement batts...
 
thinkk, he knows that no matter what, you'll still accept him back - that's why he can repeatedly pull the wool over your eyes and you can blindly just accept .. excuses, excuses .. you know what you're supposed to do but every post of yours, aside from the first one, reeks of protecting him and accepting his excuses time and time again .. like i said, either wake up and do something about it or if you belong to the later category of people who just want to whine and rant, but still go back to the lousy excuse of a husband, then please do so .. with no complaints.
 
He cried bec' at that time he said he feel hollow in his heart as he can't satisfied me as a man, his job is not stable at that time & stress & we tried so hard to have kid but no succeed, & he knows he hurts me.. seems everything not right for us ..

i forgive him that time also i read before somewhere that 1 of the reason man have affair bec' they can't satisfied their wife so due to man ego they tried to find other younger girl to boost their man ego
 
where is the hugs brigade? no one going to give her hugs for being 'brave' in keeping the marriage going even though her husband is a complete f**k and she is an even bigger fool for believing him.

sorry for my rant but i really hate it when i see weak women - like hello, wake up already la!
 
It has already happened more than once and each time you had forgiven him. He is not repentant and may think that the next time it happens, you will still forgive him again and again.

Also consider what happens if one of his gals out there managed to "solve" his ED problem and is current pregnant with his child and wants to legalise the relationship and his child.

Be true to yourself and if u can condone his behaviour, y should he stop finding someone who may get him up.
 
If he cried, begged for forgiveness and never ever cheat again, then yes, I say he made a mistake and he's repentent.

But this man is crying for himself, dont you see?

haha.. powderful had to make a disclaimer before exiting.
 
Seems like u care more for your 'face' than your physical and emotional well-being.

If that's the case, forget about all our advice, just continue living with him in your ultimate self-denial mode.
 
Jesus Christ!!!!

I'm using all my willpower just not to let fly a tirade at Thinkk's posts...


*MUST ENDURE*
Woo saaaaaaaa
Woo saaaaaaaa
 
I understand & appreciate what u guys said .. it helps to analysis the case

when i read his email i wonder if that's my husband who has been so nice to me .. but a totally different person in the email ..
 
I must remember not to drink water while reading powderful's posts.

Thinkk, then con't with ur life as it is now. Please try not to come back when ur hubby found another SYT and want to file for a Divorce.
 
Thinkk,

perhaps u might like to consider the 2 of u as soulmate-frens, rather than a married couple... it's purely a psychological shift, but can do wonders... there are some kinds of Love that are not romantic even if we feel it is.

else just take some time off and mingle abit outside with other men... u might find your answers from there... sometimes staying dedicated to 1 person might blind u from other aspects of life which u may not know - exists...
 


as i said i will confront him when he returns today .. & i am ready for this

i don think i will ever get married again if i divorce him
 
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