Divorce & Motherhood Woes

[mdmbutterfly]

I got re-married in Year 2006 (was widowed with a 4yr-old daughter), and gave birth to my son last year June...

My husband was heavily in debts then (Credit cards), I myself is working in sales...after being away from work for 3 mths during my maternal leave, i was FREAKING stress up after back to work...on top of worrying about my husband's debts...I started to changed...change into a sumone i dun even know....then my best friend brought me to see a specialist, and i was diagnosed with severe depression...mine was a case so serious that tears & thoughts of death became my companion...

Wif medication, friends & family support, i manage to get better...but i was not fully recover then... During the peroid, my husband was not with me... wenever i need to go bck for check-ups, he wil not be with me...and he is very seldom at home...once wen i had a crash, he was drinking away @ ktv.... there were times wen i had relapse, he didn't even bother to show me care or concern, would even scold me for my behaviour... this marks the turning point for the marriage...

Apparantely, even before i gave birth to my son, my husband was extremely strict to my daughter..resulting in my daughter extremely fearful of him...there was even once, my daughter was so scared that she hide in the cirner of her unlit room, shivering...crying wthout making any sound....my heart was soooooooo pain....

My mum who too can't bear the thought of my daughter like this, shift back to my dad's place together with my girl... My world crash.. i stop my medication since then

i was very angry with my husband, since then i split room with my husband... beside gg back home to see my son, i was typically back at dad's place to see my daughter, working or out drinking woth friends...i dun wan to see him... then there was once i chance upon his HP, and realise he haf actually get a friend of his to tag on my movements!! I was mad...

there was a weekend, i was still sleeping in the noon becoz of my late night drinking session...suddenly i was awoke by his shakes (he is very strong), i then woke up and we had an argument..in room he push me to the floor, resulting in bruises on my hand & face...he then stomp out of the house wen i gv chase, but he push my at the stairs, where i roll down and hurt my leg...he saw it, but he did not bother to help me...just walk away... I was so shock & hurt...i called my best friend, she ask mi to go to the police...and i did..i went for a medical checkup and i apply for PPO against him..

the next day wen the court deliver the letter to him, he was shocked...but i was so scared that i lock myself in the maid's room for the whole day...wen i finally did unlock the room, he was there begging me to give him 1 more chance, promise that he will not lay his hand on me anymore...for the sake of my son, and the marriage..i gave him another chance...tus, i drop the charges.... but still i m not comfiortable at the sight of him...the thought of how he treat my mum & daughter makes mi fill wif anger...even hate...

he keep trying to catch my attention then with small actions like kneeing down, crying even telling me he wanna die...EVERYDAY... i can feel myself totally breakin down...i reali cannot tk his nonense, so there was a day i took my laptop out to do my reports outside, then my maid call mi and cry saying he lockhimself in the room, i try calling his hP but with no response... i rush home to find that it was all an act, and it was at this point i realise i haf left some very important & P&C documents outside!! because of this issue, i got a warning letter from my boss (i was suppose to be receiving a promotion at any point of time then)!
and he actuali email my boss saying that my documents & poor performance at work recently is because of out family problems...i was mad...and the whole company came to know abt it...even abt my depression...

again...1 night wen i was about to go out, he just reach home, and try to stop mi from gg out... he push me again...and hurt my leg... this is the last straw, i shift out...

By then i was aldy so stress up that my depression acts up again..i had to resigned..i can't work... either can i tk care of my son, i wen back to mum's place, leaving my boy & maid there..

1 day i went bck to tk some of my stuffs and see my boy, i chance upon the maid's drawer, and found a SAF issued condom (hubby is a SAF regular! I was gg crazy!! i confronted him, which of course both party denied it... i then send the maid bck to the agency, however my husband went to the agency and employ her bck, then brought her to the police and accused my dad of molesting her!!!

i crashed down... i m gg mad... i was crying everyday, i refused to eat, i wanted to end my life... mum almost sent me to the mental hospital...

then he pop out the divorce... but as we are married for less than 3 yrs, we can only go for seperation... i refused to sign it and say lets go for divorce directly next yr (which will mature our marraige 3 yrs old)...but he was giving me tons of reasons which i can't recall now ( i was quite badly depress then, which make me in a 'blur' & confused stage, i can't think properly)... finally i agreed...he then say he will be the custodian of my boy... of course i refused...he coax me, saying given my situation i am not able to tk care of my boy at all... i was worried that being such a bastard...he will makes things difficult for mi if i give up the custody..so he agreed on giving me free & easy access on my boy...

on the date of signing the deed, i hestiate, but he & his mum keep coaxing mi, ensuring mi this & that...so i signed....

but after signing the deed, its a TOTAL different senerio!!!

wen i wan to bring my son out, he lay down rules: like whereever we go, the maid MUST follow, by xx time my son must go back, i m not allow to bring him overnight with me, anywhere we go i MUST inform him, i got no say in wadever decision regarding my son!!!!

when i try to reason with him, then i realise something...in the deed of seperation, it says MY HUSBAND WILL BE THE SOLE CUSTADIAN OF MY SON, WIF FREE & EASY ACCESS TO MY SON, I M BEING WAIVE OFF MY MAINTENANCE RIGHT!!!

it happens that wen i sign the deed, i was still having my depression, and wen i went up to the law firm (engaged by him), the lawyer did not explained to me abt the T&C, just tell mi 'sign here, here, here...' NO ONE EXPLAINED THE DOCUMENT TO MI!!

i m not stayin in the house anymore, yet it also indicated i would be responsible for 50% of the renovation loan mothly!!

because of him, i got myself into heavy debts too, now i m on the verge of bankcrupcy too...so i m just waiting for the banks to charge me... knowing my situatoin, he knows that i can't go to any solicitor for help...

and sumthing happen to him in work, he was 'bar' from promotions & bonus for 2 yrs, he now pushes the blame to mi, and insist i shld be RESPONSIBLE for his lost bonus, and now expect me to pay him back upon the sale of our flat!!!! and he stil own mi a 5-figure amt which i had loan him before i was pregnant...

can anyone HELP!!! pls advice!!!

1. i m totally recovered from my depression now ( verify by my doc)
2. I hv got a job, wif annual income of more than $30k annually
3. Now i goes bck to visit my son on every weekends, and paid for the renovation loan (50%) and my boy's diapers & milk powder (even though on the papers, it indicate that he shld paid for all maintenance for my son...which later part he came CHIDE mi verbally if i always self claim i m the mother, i shld be making contribution)

My worries are:
1. next yr june will marks our marraige 3 yrs, can i file for divorce immediately after tt?
2. does the t&c in the deed of seperation comply upon the divorce if i contest?
3. will i be able get my son's custody, wif the fact that my son is now under his custody and the fact that i m gg bankcrupt very soon? (PS: he doesn't spent much time wif my boy at all, my son is always wif the maid & his mum oni).
4. will i be able to get maintenance for myself & my daughter, and if i do get the custody of my son, for my son?

dear all, SORRY for the LONG LONG story...but i'm reali desperate....he reali wanted to tk EVERYTHING away and is depriving me of my motherhood!!!! i can't ven spend a night wif my son!!!! PLS HELP!!!!!!!!!!!

 

[baby_lonblue]

how did you end up marry such a man ?
did you not know what kind of person he is b4 you both got married?

anyway i think he is just attacking your weak point which is the son and thats why he is holding him in a way to control you

u have to think of a way to attack his weakness as well ....

 

[wkg30]

i am sorry to see this... i hope things will work out wel for u.. wait for posting.. others will reply to u...

 

[powder]

hi wendi...

pls stop and think for a second... in fact, pls think for awhile...

if u dun mind me saying, i feel strongly tat alot of the decisions u made are made on 1. impulse, 2. what u want at that point, 3. heavy emotions... That's not the way to make decisions.

1st thing u've gotta learn to do is - Let Go... stop thinking of his intentions and getting all angry over it. stop having expectations of him.

your son is His Son too. whether u like it or not, whether u're the mother, whether it's fair or not...

u signed on the document, whether or not it was read to u, u could have read and signed it only when u agree. u didn't do that, so u can't really go back and change those things... Unless u can prove that u were Not of sound-mind at the point of signing...

it doesn't matter if he is an asshole, a lousy father etc... it Should Not matter Anymore... the only that should be of interest to u is that u get to see your son. So pls, so letting the past replay itself in your mind...

the simplest thing u can do, and should do is - Recover yourself, Come to terms that your son will be with his father (until such time he is unfit to play tat role...). and from there, FOCUS on your life.

the need to fight over your son may not actually be a Need, but more a fight tat u're Keeping with him, so Subconsciously u fight for your son. concentrate on your daughter for now... u will hve problems handling 2 kids even if u think u can. i dun doubt u can, but what is the purpose?

 

[powder]

also note... he may be a lousy father, but that does not automatically make u a good mother... both of u van be bad parents...

 

[mdmbutterfly]

i do know, and is alo aware that i myself i might not be a good mother...but i trying...i wan to try...i know no matter wad happened, we will both forever be the parents of my son...

i had told my husband that even we r aldy at the point of no return bck, i do wish the both of us can at least co-operate for the saek of our son, he stil need mum & dad.... but he is turning a deaf ear, doing everythings on his mood... he totally deny that my son still has me, and only allow short meet-up for me & my boy, depending on his mood....


"anyway i think he is just attacking your weak point which is the son and thats why he is holding him in a way to control you

u have to think of a way to attack his weakness as well ...."

i'm aware of this...i guess the only way to slove this would be to finalise things between us...in court.... so that it would be fair to both party...return my grivences & to the best for my son...

"the need to fight over your son may not actually be a Need, but more a fight tat u're Keeping with him, so Subconsciously u fight for your son. concentrate on your daughter for now... u will hve problems handling 2 kids even if u think u can. i dun doubt u can, but what is the purpose?"

i know that by keeping my son by my side might not be the best for all, esp for my boy...but now, i m NOT EVEN allow to make any decision abt my son...i m TOTALLY deprive off my motherhood.... which mother would not heartache??? which mother upon seeing a dad wif such mentality & behaviour would not fear for the kid? i might not be the best mum, but the very least i shld do, is not sitting back & DO NOTTING at all.... i left this 'home', but it doesn't mean i dun wan my kid... i wan to do the contribution & fulfill the responsible, but my husband STOPS me! i seriously dun mind my boy staying wif his dad, if i can't tk care of him...at least i can spend weekends wif him, spend 1 night sleeping wif him, reading books to him...but i m even deprive of this! =(

both

 

[powder]

One of the main reasons u're having a tough time is becos of... Yourself.

u keep using your position as a mother to justify your feelings, your emotions etc... Think abt it. Just cos u wanna try to be a good mother does not mean u Have To Be given the chance.

"i had told my husband that even we r aldy at the point of no return bck, i do wish the both of us can at least co-operate for the saek of our son, he stil need mum & dad.... but he is turning a deaf ear, doing everythings on his mood..."
- u watch too much TV. u're too dramatic. u expect an answer like what is shown on TV serials and everyone ends up happy. Pls Lor... this is real life... this kind of thing need to say one meh? What u say may be nice to hear and good. But seriously i think u're saying all these things becos u wanna hear yourself say these things.

u have alot of visions of This, of That. but u should seriously look at yourself and ask yourself if u are capable of what u Want.

and when u ask yourself that question, pls stop trying to justify it by implying that he is not fit to be a father.

as far as i'm concerned and i can see, neither of u are very fit to be parents. If u can't even realise that and u think just becos u gave birth to a kid - u have every right to possessing them as your children, then think again.

 

[mdmbutterfly]

"as far as i'm concerned and i can see, neither of u are very fit to be parents. If u can't even realise that and u think just becos u gave birth to a kid - u have every right to possessing them as your children, then think again."

- seriously powder, its obvious, we both are wrong, we both might not be good parents.... possessing them and tking care of them is 2 different issue.

so, are u trying to tel mi, if 1 person is a bad parent, he or she shld not do anything???

e point here is, i just wan to be wif my child,regardless be it i haf his custody a not, at less my access. i m asking for advice here.

you are right in saying if i wan to be a good mother, it doean't mean i deserve the right to be a given a chance, then i shld earn / fight for the chance. this is all abot the feeling from a mum towards her kid, so, wad else shld i use to justify the feeling other than my position?

r you trying to tel mi to let go? be it? let my husband haf his way? and does it mean that, in this current situation, my husband wil haf the right to stop me & my son frm being together, haf the right to choice who he dun wan our son's mum?

 

[mdmbutterfly]

"how did you end up marry such a man ?
did you not know what kind of person he is b4 you both got married?

anyway i think he is just attacking your weak point which is the son and thats why he is holding him in a way to control you

u have to think of a way to attack his weakness as well ...."

i reali duno....the main reason of re-marrying in the 1st place was because of giving my daughter a complete family...i know its a stupid & lame reason...it might nnot even be deem fit as a reason....

i know he can be damm ruthless, but i never expect....even to me...it reali did not occur to me...all this will happen...its all so dramatic...

i know he is using that to 'control' my emotions...he oso told mi before, he knew that, right at this moment, i will gv up everything...the flat, money, etc... just for my son's sake...

he is 'bullyin' on me.... i m reali tired of all the arguments, schemes, etc.... i reali wannna to move on... i just wan to end all this.... amiacably...

i dun wan to 'attack' him or wadever.... i jus wan greviences return... we r not together anymore, doesn't mean my boy has lose either of his parents... that is wea i m SERIOUSLY comin frm....

 

[powder]

it's up to u what u want to do... i'm sharing my thoughts for the benefit of u to process and make a Good Decision.

just look at your immediate reply to me...

rem i said "i feel strongly tat alot of the decisions u made are made on 1. impulse, 2. what u want at that point, 3. heavy emotions... That's not the way to make decisions."

your post is a good example of what i said Not to do.

i'm more inclined to think for the well-being of the children... and give them a better life... i'm not inclined to think for Your position, nor your husband's. u want him, he wants him. None of u are very bothered abt his well-being... u're just fighting over a toy.

"so, are u trying to tel mi, if 1 person is a bad parent, he or she shld not do anything???"
- pls read to know what i'm telling u... what u said above is Not wat i'm saying, not at all.

i'm advising u, and sharing my viewpoint... tat's all. pls dun speak to me like u've been making all the right decisions and leading a smashing life... If u can't even see how u screwed up with some major decisions in life, and u fail to admit to your poor judgment, Then there is no way u're ever gonna start making Good decisions.

i'm giving u advice for your present and future decisions... so that they will not come back to haunt u again. that's all i wanna do.

as for the custody and stuff, it's not my territory. will leave that to others and perhaps u might wanna check with your lawyer.

 

[powder]

and by the way, stop playing the victim. your kids are the victims, not u guys... but You definitely need to clean up your act for Yourself and for Them.

 

[mdmbutterfly]

"and by the way, stop playing the victim. your kids are the victims, not u guys... but You definitely need to clean up your act for Yourself and for Them."

i do realise its the adult the fault, and tts why i m tryin to end things amicably...did u even read wea i m cuming frm PROPERLY? or my eng fail?

"i'm advising u, and sharing my viewpoint... tat's all. pls dun speak to me like u've been making all the right decisions and leading a smashing life... If u can't even see how u screwed up with some major decisions in life, and u fail to admit to your poor judgment, Then there is no way u're ever gonna start making Good decisions.

i'm giving u advice for your present and future decisions... so that they will not come back to haunt u again. that's all i wanna do."

then ur advise?

"rem i said "i feel strongly tat alot of the decisions u made are made on 1. impulse, 2. what u want at that point, 3. heavy emotions... That's not the way to make decisions."

for this, i seriously & totally agreed on it, i look bck, and i know tats wea.... made a mistake, learn frm it, try to make up for it....should it not be this way???

 

[mdmbutterfly]

"and by the way, stop playing the victim. your kids are the victims, not u guys... but You definitely need to clean up your act for Yourself and for Them."

if oni sumone can tel my husband this...and maybe we can reali sit down, talk and do sumthing for the kids....

thanks powder

 

[powder]

u have to assume your hubby is gonna be unreasonable, and will not agree with your viewpoint. so take your hubby as a Brick-Wall.

next u have to look at the legal allowance given to u... without custodian rights, but with the right to still see and spend time with him. now remove the emotional aspects of wanting to be a full-time mother to your son... how best can u be a part-time physical mother BUT a full-time mother for his psychological well-being. when u speak to him, let him know that u cannot be with him physically 24/7 even if u want to... but dun have to point the finger and blame to your hubby.

THEN - look towards the future... priority will be to rescue your financials, get back up on your feet and ensure u stay gainfully employed. financial demands from your hubby Should Not be entertained unless u have no choice and legally required to. else work within what u Have to Do by law, what u cannot do by law.

remember where the walls are... they are There. work within these constraints, keep yourself as happy as possible and dun let all the mental constraints bring u down.

find your mental/emotional balance FIRST.

take baby steps, Always Always think thru your decisions. seek help from frens who can make good decisions... dun be shy, u Need to hear their viewpoint. also - 3rd party viewpoints from them or like mine - is Good in the sense that it's not cluttered with emotional Wants and Prefrences... it's important when u wanna make longterm decisions.

 

[simpleman]

mdm butterfly,

learn from your mistake.

Deed of separation is not the same as divorce. It is not legally binding... so you still can fight for custody..

But frankly speaking, you have to decide first what is the best for your son..

 

[powder]

exactly - wat IS best for your son... not what u want and how u wish to be a good mother... these are all your own Wants. and see where your Wants has gotten u all these years... u wanted to 'give your daughter a complete family' but tat does not mean just having a Man around. u want to be a good mum but that does not mean just having your son with u... u Have To do/think/plan much more...

 

[mdmbutterfly]

"u have to assume your hubby is gonna be unreasonable, and will not agree with your viewpoint. so take your hubby as a Brick-Wall.

next u have to look at the legal allowance given to u... without custodian rights, but with the right to still see and spend time with him. now remove the emotional aspects of wanting to be a full-time mother to your son... how best can u be a part-time physical mother BUT a full-time mother for his psychological well-being. when u speak to him, let him know that u cannot be with him physically 24/7 even if u want to... but dun have to point the finger and blame to your hubby.
"

tts is practically wad i m doing now.... even if i can't get my son custody, at less i wan my right to see him, and do wadever i can for him....i know my husband is gg to be difficult for mi.... i m tryin on the last part...its gg to be difficult....

i know...bring a good mother is not holding onto my son by my side, but having the BEST for him, esp that now we can give him a complete family.... i m <textarea>"u have to assume your hubby is gonna be unreasonable, and will not agree with your viewpoint. so take your hubby as a Brick-Wall.

next u have to look at the legal allowance given to u... without custodian rights, but with the right to still see and spend time with him. now remove the emotional aspects of wanting to be a full-time mother to your son... how best can u be a part-time physical mother BUT a full-time mother for his psychological well-being. when u speak to him, let him know that u cannot be with him physically 24/7 even if u want to... but dun have to point the finger and blame to your hubby.
"

tts is practically wad i m doing now.... even if i can't get my son custody, at less i wan my right to see him, and do wadever i can for him....i know my husband is gg to be difficult for mi.... i m tryin on the last part...its gg to be difficult....

i know...bring a good mother is not holding onto my son by my side, but having the BEST for him, esp that now we can give him a complete family.... i m emotional, i admit.....

perhaps frm now til june....i reali ned to plan... the upbringing, education, etc... for him, if he were reali to be wif mi...

but, meanwhile...shld i refused to give in to my husband's demands, in turn of financial or others...he will for sure make things difficult even wen i pop by on weekend to see my boy.... wad shld i do?

in our deed, it state : THE HUSBAND SHALL BE THE SOLE CUSTADIAN FOR THE SON, WITH FREE &amp; EASY ACCESS TO THE WIFE, but despite this, he keep making things difficult.... i haf to abide him in other to haf a 'peaceful' day to spend wif my boy.... wad shld i do?

 

[powder]

for tat i'm sure some written legal can be made to give u that, the lawyers likely to know better.

non-legal demands made by your husband, especially financially, if it is conditional to u seeing your son - is known as blackmail.

 

[mdmbutterfly]

"non-legal demands made by your husband, especially financially, if it is conditional to u seeing your son - is known as blackmail."

so, tt is to say, if he do tt again, i can make a police report?? but, wld tt complicate things further, and further soar the whole thing?

 

[powder]

anticipate, but dun overdo things and be on the side of the offensive... let things happen, but know your rights. for the police and stuff, i can't advise cos i am not a credible source.

 

[mdmbutterfly]

ok, thanks

 

[mdmbutterfly]

erm.....anymore advices??