Divorce -- how much to ask is too much?

[madworld]

Hi all ,thanks for helping first..

A short write up of my story...
Husband cheated on me starting 2 years ago with he's young employee...
For 2 years, I have tried and tried and hoped that it wouldn't fall into a broken family for my 5 years old daughter.

But it didn't work, on and off this 2 years, he still sees her and couldn't let go of her.

I decided to finally go ahead with divorce.
I finally could face my girl and know that I have done my very best to try to retain a family...

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I'm currently working part time, looking for a full time job. Me and my girl ready to move near her primary school next year.

We try our best to be a matured parent for her, we hardly quarrel and kept all these behind closed door so far. Although I'm sure as of any sensitive kid, she somehow know...

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I'll be asking for:
1) Current Matrimonial house, a privite condo, most likely 50% - 60%
2) Joint custody to my little 5 years old girl, care and concern with me
3) Monthly alimony for myself and her, S$1200
--Thinking of not asking for this, if he is willing to give me more profit in company or selling the house...
4) Education and Insurance for her, full or 80%?

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Question:
He owns a company, it's a partnership.
Have anyone tried to ask for shares or anything similar in the process of divorce?
What happens if the company doesn't earn instead it pays, then do I have to prepare to pay too?

I am not sure if I should, because I do believe he spent he's life building this company, it would kill him if I ask for it.

I'm just not sure, my family keep telling me not to be soft hearted for the sake of securing my little girl's future...

I initially thought that taking one's company's shares without actually working for it, isn't my style. But my friend reminded me, that I sacrificed my youth to let him fly in he's career, That is my contribution..... and I should ask for it in case he would eventually stop giving me alimony, since he have potentially a new girlfriend to affect him....

 

[kittenpie]

you ask "how much to ask is too much"? this is a question is loaded with emotion. alternatively, if you had been strictly neutral and objective, you would have asked "how much should i ask?"

this leads me to wonder - how much do emotions and heart count when it comes to issues of dollars and cents? do you pay the newspaper vendor more for a magazine, out of pity, just because he looks like a destitute old man? i do not think so.

now is not the time to be hard or soft hearted. what does it matter at all that "it would kill him if I ask for it." this should not even factor in your thoughts.

now is the time to be objective and assertive. do not be blinded by emotions to compromise only to regret later.

you must be extraordinarily kind-hearted to be so considerate towards a husband who drops you for a younger woman. i do not sense vindictiveness in you. but would you become someone who can be pushed over using soft pressure techniques? be prepared to stand firm on your ground.

how much is too much cannot be assessed by mere words. this needs to be quantified.

to demand an alimony, first of all you have to establish that you have played an exemplary role in your household during the marriage. your contribution need not be monetary - it could be overseeing the housework, taking good care of daughter, etc. i assume that you had been a housewife before you worked part-time. being a housewife is equivalent to having contributed economically to your household while incurring the opportunity costs of not developing your own money-generating potential through a career. there is legal basis in this - this is not just aunty-talk among friends. your lawyer can advise you more on this.


a proper cash flow analysis on you and your daughter's future needs and current lifestyle is required. have you done this?


whether S$1,200 is too much or too little is based on your needs. are you currently the type of woman who spends S$200 per mth or S$2,000 per mth, or way more than that?

do note that cash flow demands also change after marriage. overheads and invisible costs that were previously footed by your husband have to be borne by yourself now. eg. if he used to drive you, now you have to take the cab.

how much do you need to cover the household (utilities, conservancy and maintenance upkeep)? how much do you need for personal subsistence (food, groceries, garments, toiletries, etc)? have you done your calculations?

the question whether to ask for shares in lieu of cash is a technical one beyond my layman knowledge. you should consult your lawyer for the pros and cons. what i do know is that a loss-making company cannot pay dividends on its shares, and in the event of cash flow problems creditors such as banks, vendors and suppliers have priority on the assets of the company. it is possible for a shareholder to be left with nothing on her shares. but do not rely on internet hearsay or coffee talk with friends, pls seek a professional on this.

 

[stanzza]

I hope u wont take my words with negativity =)

Not wanting to be rude or provoke you at such unfortunate time... Just some words for you to ponder, to let you view this in another angle for consideration:

if you really want a clean break with your husband, would you still wanna live off him and pay for your household etc?

Got pride but no backbone??? -> PPL nay view you as such, thus you r not really "divorce" from your partner yet...

I think it is very fair that your husband pays for a fair share for the children's maintainence. You husband didn't divorce the child. You divorce him. Clean break. Child is still bonded to both of you and both of you are responsible for him/her. Anything you fight to receive additionally would become a price for ur pride. Is like saying you want to leave but can't fend for yourself. Still need ex-hubby to feed u..

I'm not criticising this approach. Just point out a different angle in which you could consider in your case. I believe pride and respect is important to you now right? This is part of what you are fighting for isn't it... Outsiders, ex-husband may poke u on this and always view you as such if you walk off with a bag of $$ rather than clean break with backbone...

While it is practical and certainly helpful to get as much as u could possibly can. What cost is one's pride?

On side not, advise you not to take any coy shares. There's shareholder risk. Try go for house, monthly maintainence etc if you have to.

Bless you

 

[madworld]

Hi Stanzza and May, thanks alot for your views, appreciate it.

Divorce is a very emotional event in life, as such I do admit that emotion can cloud my mind very often in decisions like this.

Don't worry about me asking advise too, god give us a brain and a forum, we hear, we read, we discuss... and most importantly we Do analysis too

Professional help will be asked of course, just that $200 per session needs my preparation in my questionnaire.

May have a very sharp eye/mind haha, ya I'm too soft hearted these 2 years, very easily submit to life and wanted everything to be normal too much. I don't really hate him because he still provides all the love he can to he's kid and he is very humble infront of me, meaning he is guilty but not evil to me.

The bottom line for me is that if I harbor too much hatred I would easily go down in depression, and my girl who is very close to me would be the first to get that negative effect. I do not allow myself to do that.

There is too much details measuring the answers to my questions of course, but I would just like to find out if anyone have had the same problems and had made the some kind of decisions whom I can learn and discuss from.... the emotional part and the logical part of all my questions and decisions. Lawyers would only analyze the facts and logical part

 

[sgbabydoll]

If it's a partnership, then it is not just up to your husband to let you become partner, right?

Think about this also - were you instrumental in setting up and sustaining the business before or after marriage, that there is a reason for you to lay a claim on the shares and profits?

 

[simpleman]

For yourself ask for lumpsum if possible..

For the child, ask for monthly maintenance.

$1200 in total maintenance is not a lot.. but it really depends on how much he is making..

 

[madworld]

I see.. thanks, will be trying to get him to talk over the terms before going to lawyer...

I didn't know my kid and my maintenance is different..

Thanks!