Disappointment in an unfaithful soon to be ex husband

[charminoue]

Marriage is the union of two individuals who loves and promises to hold each other's hand till the end of time. The vows that he read out and witnessed by our close friends and relatives, did it not mean anything to him ? He literally tore my heart out after confessing about his affair just 8 months into our married life. We went through the solemnization and was in the midst of preparing for our customary wedding when the 3rd party came into the picture. She was our ex-colleague and the hurt is twice as much as compared to someone whom I do not know at all.

Many reminded me that I should count my blessings that we don't have any kids yet and the situation is not as complicated as having to go though difficult divorce processes. Still my heart stings so much even though half a year has gone by and I still miss this husband who was once my closest friend and family member. 8 years of bonds and now we are as good as strangers or soon to be two person who has nothing to do with each other anymore.

I've given him so much, more that what I could offer. When he is down and facing financial issues of owing credit card debts, deferring car loans, phone line getting cut off by telco, not enough money to pay for client's meals etc, I helped him tide through without a word of complain even if it means not having much to spare for myself. I can't bear to see him suffer so I would always choose to be the one taking it in for him. What I asked for was to walk together with him till we grow old and never to abandon even if the journey gets tough.

How could he, who always got slightly annoyed when I let go off his hands to see my shopping stuffs, who hugs me to sleep at night and calls me on my office line whenever he is on his way to appointments with his clients, betrayed my trust like this ? Why he claimed to be pricked by guilt but allows himself to carry on with this affair and stayed over at her place during weekends ?

Everyday is just a repetition of sadness, emptiness, anger, betrayal, hurt and without any sense of belonging. When I'm having a moment on my own, all the thoughts and our memories would creep in and there's pratically nothing that doesn't remind me of him. How do I bring myself to love the next person again and having the simplest ability to trust ?

 

[charminoue]

He mentioned to his friends on some of the major push factors. One of it is my dad disliked him at the earlier stage of our relationship because of his qualifications. But that was so many years back and if my dad really don't like us to be together, why would he give consent to be our witness for the solemnization. He said that the other girl's family treated him like one of their family members even though they knew he is married and allowed their daughter to be together with him and don't mind when he stays over at their place during weekends.

I felt like someone really punched me in the heart and the pain is so unbearable when he claimed that he is really happy and madly in love with her to give up on our marriage and flat. My confidence, self-esteem are all gone and I have not feel truly happy for a long while until I couldn't recall how this feeling is. I'm scare to look at my peers who are happily married and having their own love nest, to plan for a family.

 

[Ling.Memento]

Charminoue.... don't be in despair. I'm sure it seems that the world around you looks crumbled up. If his heart has changed he can give 1001 reasons why he drifted away.Remember you have your family who still love you unconditionally. He doesn't deserve your love anymore. Give yourself a chance to move forward and eventually when the time is right...someone who is worthy of your love will come along. Stay strong

 

[italianosportivo]

People change, for better or worse. And one of the fundamentals of relationship/marriage take two hands to clap will never be absent. At some stage, both have to do some reflections which, I'll give you a question at the end of this message for you to think about.

I can only imagine your pain and agony and the constant question of "why" presents in your mind while the anger and disappointment prevents you from being logical. Trust me, it is better to know now than after years into the marriage as I have experienced it myself and, even better when you don't have kids.

That being said, I think it is not a matter of trust but communication. It is the cause of all problems and perhaps, before trying to resolve it by divorce, try to give each other some time and space. However, have a talk first between the two of you and if possible, try to get a family member to mediate if at all possible. Mediation from a family member sometimes gives a neutral and a better perspective.

It is not good to rush into a conclusion now given that things are handled on a very emotional level. No one here knows what the two of you had been through as you've mentioned, 8 years of bond. We can only access what you have depicted and the problems you're going through now. We humans (not wrong per se), judge based on what is superficial or what we hear/see. Therefore, you're the best person to know what is best for yourself. We're just here to offer sound advise and suggestions on how to deal with what you are going through, the rest is up to yourself.

Whatever decision(s) you're going to make, never regret and that is the key. Ask yourself this question today:

If you are given a second chance today, would you have done more or less? If you have a definite answer to this question, I'm sure you know what to do next, just make sure you don't carry the emotions when your decisions are final.

Stay safe and strong!

 

[verityff]

Dear, be strong and trust yourself that time can heal every broken relationship. He may be just not the correct man for you, let him go and also set yourself free, take care and find some other things/ways to keep you moving on.