Desperation. Need advice on marriage

[beanbear]

Hi, I am coming to my wits end and hence I am going to write here to get some wisdom.

I am in my 30s and my wife to be is 3 years older than me. Like all couples, we started well and in less than one year of dating, we had the intention to marry in 2014. Things changed since the mid of this year. We quarrel very often and never seem to be on the same boat having common goals. After many fights and serious tots, we both felt we couldn't work it out and decided to call it quits.

Alas, seems like the intervention of fate, we realised she was pregnant one week after our break-out. We talked over it and decided to work out our differences and give each other a chance. Planning for the wedding started. In the process, we had endless disagreements again, resulted in us changing our mind and deciding to abort. On the day of abortion, we both cried and couldn't bear to, and for the sake of the baby, we again decided to try to work out again.

The above caused both of us many unnecessary stress, such as re-arranging with hotel and to be answerable to our parents. We brought it upon ourselves.

We are having our ROM and wedding in 2 months time. Everything is booked and secured and the baby is well taken care of with regular check ups with our gynae.

Throughout the wedding and baby planning, I was the one who took charge, I took out extra jobs as well and I admit it is not easy to juggle so many things at one go. I understand that she is tired as she is pregnant and she can be sleeping the whole day.

I have my aspiration. Such as having a flat of our own. She is contented with staying with my in-laws. This episode make me realised that she has close to zero savings. I am paying everything. I used to feel comfortable, but right now, I scrimped and I save as much as possible, for our future. I suggested a joint savings for our baby's future, she said we could wait. I had the sense of urgency to plan for our family, she does not, saying I am impatient and we should cross the bridge when we come to it.

I am starting to get really fearful. Currently, I couldn't be myself when I am with her. She will disagree with my view or tots of almost everything. It made me stop expressing myself. To be very honest, I do not see our future being there. I am such a failure.

I am a local and a graduate and I cannot believe my education had honed me with views and opinions about family planning that are all wrong in her view. Fyi, she is a work permit holder and a non English speaker. She reasoned her opposing views to me me with her life experience.

I am at my wits end now and coming to depression, and I am on the verge of seeing a doc to get medication. I have been crying myself to sleep for months. Please give me some wisdom please..

 

[miloice]

hi bear, her life experience has little relevance to the local context as she is a foreigner. Anyway, you guys are clearly not in the same page over even basic things. If she is willing, you guys needs to take little steps together to learn to understand each other better. Something you guys should have taken time to progress together in a relationship before marriage and starting a family. Empathize each others feelings and reasons more than fight over the decisions. You win some and lose some, what is important is both of you reflect over the decisions without blaming each other. The more blames, the more resentments you will carry with you, a vicious cycle that tint your perception over each others actions and reasons.

Often, there is no one correct answers to decisions. There is no perfect solutions. If after everything, it still fail, you have to be realistic to look at caring for the kid beyond the divorce. Do see a marriage counsellor. You guys aren't able to communicate without fights. Through professionals, at least there is some processes to help both of you express and share and from there better understand than fight each other.

 

[miloice]

Crying to sleep is a bad sign of pure desperation and helplessness about the relationship. I have been through that part. For me, it was only a relationship and without a baby, I woke up one fine day and never regretted the decision to move on. It made me surer of what I wanted and needed. It was everything away from that relationship. Thoughts of leaving haunted me for many months until that day. When it finally happened, it was nothing more than relieve. A huge stone I bore for so long.

 

[starrynight]

I suppose your parents and future in-laws are aware of the pregnancy? Sometimes family pressure affects the decision a couple makes. Though its easier said than done, try to put family pressure aside and be clear-minded when deciding whether to proceed w the marriage. If it's not for the baby, would you still want to tie the knot?

 

[beanbear]

hi bear, her life experience has little relevance to the local context as she is a foreigner. Anyway, you guys are clearly not in the same page over even basic things. If she is willing, you guys needs to take little steps together to learn to understand each other better. Something you guys should have taken time to progress together in a relationship before marriage and starting a family. Empathize each others feelings and reasons more than fight over the decisions. You win some and lose some, what is important is both of you reflect over the decisions without blaming each other. The more blames, the more resentments you will carry with you, a vicious cycle that tint your perception over each others actions and reasons.

Often, there is no one correct answers to decisions. There is no perfect solutions. If after everything, it still fail, you have to be realistic to look at caring for the kid beyond the divorce. Do see a marriage counsellor. You guys aren't able to communicate without fights. Through professionals, at least there is some processes to help both of you express and share and from there better understand than fight each other.

Thank you Miloice.. It is so difficult to communicate now between us. I am praying everyday that things will turn out well and trying to keep myself sane. I used to be a very happy man, and for close to half a year now, depression sunk in.

 

[beanbear]

I suppose your parents and future in-laws are aware of the pregnancy? Sometimes family pressure affects the decision a couple makes. Though its easier said than done, try to put family pressure aside and be clear-minded when deciding whether to proceed w the marriage. If it's not for the baby, would you still want to tie the knot?

Yeap, both set of parents are aware and they give us their blessing. Everyone is happy. Touching the bottom of our heart, I am going to be ashame to say that if it's not for the baby, most probably we would not be marrying.

 

[rabber]

Oh dear.. I wouldn't have taken the route you've taken. Marriage is not just for the kids... Since you've chosen this path, speak to your wife to be and whether you both can proceed together as man and wife still. Marriage is for a lifetime and is this the right choice now?

 

[Hanjin]

Hi,
Looks like both of you have a lot of issues to iron out and are not ready for marriage. Getting married for the sake of the child is not a very wise move. The child is going to grow up in an unstable environment. Praying every day that things will get better is not going to make things better either. Please see a marriage counsellor as soon as possible.

 

[miloice]

Hi bear, don't expect anything in the communication. Start from the scratch to build everything from the fundamentals. Take care.
When the relationship is so heavy and taking so much of yourself, there need to be time to take step backwards to reflect on where it is heading.

Thank you Miloice.. It is so difficult to communicate now between us. I am praying everyday that things will turn out well and trying to keep myself sane. I used to be a very happy man, and for close to half a year now, depression sunk in.