worriedsick
Member
Do you have problems with your mother-in-law? How should husband deal with such conflicts when he is stuck in between the wife and mother and both of which he loves?
Dealing with conflicts between Mother and Wife
- Thread starter worriedsick
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miloice
Well-Known Member
As husband, assurance to both women is important. Be a listener to understand their issues.
Actually, as husband, there isn't a need to 'fight' for the 'rights'. That would be a stupid way to hurt both women.
Set basic rules to make the mother feel respected and important. i.e. as much as possible, don't react to each other. Let the husband manage his mother.
Problem is many guys simply don't like to take on the role. He just transfer whatever nagging his mum has to his wife and vice visa.
Actually, as husband, there isn't a need to 'fight' for the 'rights'. That would be a stupid way to hurt both women.
Set basic rules to make the mother feel respected and important. i.e. as much as possible, don't react to each other. Let the husband manage his mother.
Problem is many guys simply don't like to take on the role. He just transfer whatever nagging his mum has to his wife and vice visa.
clipperjunk
New Member
share a little more of the various issues, sometimes either party has a case or both are just being difficult....i would think you got to apply some dominance of your own to resolve this, to your mum, you can tell her if this proves to be difficult for you, you will have to live apart from her...to your wife,reason with her if you were the one having issues with her family, how would she feel....
Put it another way round. MIL used to be someone's else DIL too. Put herself in the DIL's shoes too.
It takes both hands to clap. Cant jus ask 1 party to give and the other party to take only.
Most imptly, as one grows old, regardless of the role u play, 1 have to be considerate.
It takes both hands to clap. Cant jus ask 1 party to give and the other party to take only.
Most imptly, as one grows old, regardless of the role u play, 1 have to be considerate.
sunshinepeach
New Member
I feel that if circumstances allow, dun stay 2gether.. like wat pple said, "Xiang Zhu Hao Tong Zhu Nan".. I feel that young couples shld really really be given a private personal space. Not staying 2gether not = not filial mah.. The couple can always drop by to visit their parents when they are free..
If really really no choice and have to stay 2gether, i guess, both have to "ren" lor.. I am staying wif my in-laws.. in order to avoid conflicts, I stay out late and even if i am at home, i lock myself in my room.. Am a very negative example by doing tat.. but, wat to do?
If really really no choice and have to stay 2gether, i guess, both have to "ren" lor.. I am staying wif my in-laws.. in order to avoid conflicts, I stay out late and even if i am at home, i lock myself in my room.. Am a very negative example by doing tat.. but, wat to do?
Im in the same situation as Sunshine Peach. Right now im in my third trimester of pregnancy but my mother in law has been so intrusive in my own personal affairs even simple things like what she wants me to buy to wear for my confinement next month, what to buy for the baby n where to place the baby's stuffs n trotting in n out of my room just to have a look at it until i fell into depression. ( i think my pregnancy plays a part in me falling into depression as well). Now i just end up locking myself in my room n wun come out of it unless its lunch time. Otherwise i will just stay in my room till my husband comes back home at 7pm. I wun even come out even when im hungry to get food cos she will question me what i bring into the room to eat. If i run out of water, i will just refill my cup from the tap in my bathroom. That is how bad it has become of me cos i really want to minimise all contacts with my mil. She is really making me feel very depressed. Am pestering my husband to buy a property soon n move out next year. That is very extreme reaction of me but after staying with her for 4 years n she getting more assertive over the way i live my life, i want nothing more but to move out immediately. I cant stand it anymore. Esp when she also reports everything that i do to her daughter n the worse thing is while they are talking behind my back in the living room, they dun even know im on the 2nd floor able to hear every single word they say about me n my hubby.
miloice
Well-Known Member
Sunshine, on the comment "Most imptly, as one grows old, regardless of the role u play, 1 have to be considerate."
Actually, it is the young that are more adaptable and dynamic. The older one get, the more fear and resistant to changes they will have. This is something natural. If u didn't realize it, start observing the people around you. This could be a good reflection on how little u actually observe.
MIL indeed used to be someone else's daughter. Which is why they fail to understand why its so different now as compared to 20-30 yrs backs. Our lifestyle and values are different from their era. So, everyone should expect the differences. It is there not because there folks are MONSTERS. Its something very natural. Its part of life. What I agree is that its a 2 way thing. Cannot be one party giving in all the way. But, as children, we should also realize it is more difficult for folks to adapt. Give a kid a few days or weeks, they will be IT literate.
Try it with a group old folks, maybe a few will pick it up. The rest will fear the technology.
The idea is, yes, we expect everyone to learn to adapt and compromise. But, we should also expect that to be much tougher for the folks. They would need more assurance, guidence and patience. How understanding we are to their difficulties directly will influence their success in the transition.
Actually, it is the young that are more adaptable and dynamic. The older one get, the more fear and resistant to changes they will have. This is something natural. If u didn't realize it, start observing the people around you. This could be a good reflection on how little u actually observe.
MIL indeed used to be someone else's daughter. Which is why they fail to understand why its so different now as compared to 20-30 yrs backs. Our lifestyle and values are different from their era. So, everyone should expect the differences. It is there not because there folks are MONSTERS. Its something very natural. Its part of life. What I agree is that its a 2 way thing. Cannot be one party giving in all the way. But, as children, we should also realize it is more difficult for folks to adapt. Give a kid a few days or weeks, they will be IT literate.
Try it with a group old folks, maybe a few will pick it up. The rest will fear the technology.
The idea is, yes, we expect everyone to learn to adapt and compromise. But, we should also expect that to be much tougher for the folks. They would need more assurance, guidence and patience. How understanding we are to their difficulties directly will influence their success in the transition.
green_tranquility
New Member
lost-gal,
Being so stressful is bad for you and baby. Is it possible to move to your parent's place to stay for a while? I guess it helps to get some peace of mind away from mil.
Being so stressful is bad for you and baby. Is it possible to move to your parent's place to stay for a while? I guess it helps to get some peace of mind away from mil.
Supergal: I only agree to a certain extent.
Being considerate is good, only when your MIL appreciate and doesn't climb onto your head when you are too giving.
There's only so much to a person's tolerance level. So being considerate and ended up making yourself miserable, what's the point?
Being considerate is good, only when your MIL appreciate and doesn't climb onto your head when you are too giving.
There's only so much to a person's tolerance level. So being considerate and ended up making yourself miserable, what's the point?
shoppingdiva2009
New Member
I agree with MiLo On e RoCkS (miloice).
buttercrackers
New Member
My mil likes to suan mi at times.
Once, I buay tahan n shoot off bk at her becoz she is too much. She told mi, "Aunty cooked liao, mai hiem hor" (dun be fussy). I misunderstood as she said "mai hiem hor? "(dun wan chilli right?).
Den she repeated the above sentence again. That really gt mi pissed off and I told her, " Y shld I hiem (be fussy), all are food wat!". She was quite shocked by my reaction and from den on, she never said the above sentence again.
Sometimes, we really ve to stick firm with our decisions and dun bow down to them. Else, life is hard staying with them.
Of coz, we must at times buy something for them becoz they r still our husband's mothers. Bobian!
Once, I buay tahan n shoot off bk at her becoz she is too much. She told mi, "Aunty cooked liao, mai hiem hor" (dun be fussy). I misunderstood as she said "mai hiem hor? "(dun wan chilli right?).
Den she repeated the above sentence again. That really gt mi pissed off and I told her, " Y shld I hiem (be fussy), all are food wat!". She was quite shocked by my reaction and from den on, she never said the above sentence again.
Sometimes, we really ve to stick firm with our decisions and dun bow down to them. Else, life is hard staying with them.
Of coz, we must at times buy something for them becoz they r still our husband's mothers. Bobian!
alcifertoh
New Member
U have to see how is the tone of the message delivered to you. It could be in a joking manner with well intention delivered.
Mai hiem hor can also be interpretated as "hopefully you don't mind" in regards to the simple dishes that she might be cooking. Such a term is also constantly used in hokkien family. Just a normal reply as "Anything. Chin chai cook chin chai jia lor." Already got someone cooking liao don't ask for too much. if not can choose to eat outside.
And if living together is tough, can always choose to move out. Try to approach with sincerity than the style of entertaining. You have to accept that the whole deal come together with your husband and it was your choice to marry him. The choice of improving or worsening the relationship depends on you too.
Mai hiem hor can also be interpretated as "hopefully you don't mind" in regards to the simple dishes that she might be cooking. Such a term is also constantly used in hokkien family. Just a normal reply as "Anything. Chin chai cook chin chai jia lor." Already got someone cooking liao don't ask for too much. if not can choose to eat outside.
And if living together is tough, can always choose to move out. Try to approach with sincerity than the style of entertaining. You have to accept that the whole deal come together with your husband and it was your choice to marry him. The choice of improving or worsening the relationship depends on you too.
miloice
Well-Known Member
frankly, I'm quite confused with what buttercrackers is saying. Stay firm to what decision? She spoke about a simple misunderstanding. There is nothing to bow down to. I see a over-reaction over nothing. She is angry because she thinks her mil is suaning her which she knows now isn't the case.
alcifertoh
New Member
One can be overly reactive if they maintain a fixed mindset and without trying to understand more of the situation.
For a lot of times, hubby is the best person to know / understand more about MIL. No doubts there are always different living standards and expectations, I think it is kinda of important to conceal our feelings at times? But perhaps things were made easier for me as I don't stay with my in-laws.