Crushed.....

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ichangeforyou

New Member
Never been so crushed in my life, wife left me and I am so alone in our house. Don't have frens that I can really talk to as the past 6 years of my life have revolved around her. We had our problems because of every different character and outlook in life. However, I been trying to change and adjust, but she can no longer wait...she said to me What if I don't change, she will just be wasting her time to wait. Yes, I have let her down in the past by not being caring enough maybe to the extent of being selfish, taking her for granted. I am lost right now.... feeling so empty and lost. Its the toughest Christmas and CNY I have ever been through.... Tried to arrange for counseling but I have the feeling that she is using the sessions to proof to me that is no use... What should I do to convince her again to let go of the past and start anew?
 


Firstly, if you need to change.. change for yourself.. and if she is still there, surely she can see it.

Else nothing will matter.
 
Change,

You mentioned that you have been trying to change and adjust, how long has this been? Have you been really putting in the effort to change?

If you have been saying that for the past few years and you are not showing much progress in changing, are you only paying lip service or you have simply tried but can't? If it is the former, please put in more effort so that it is visible! If it is the latter, then I am not sure if you will be able to change afterall. If you can't change your "selfish, taking her for granted" nature, then please do her a favour and let her go.
 
Btw, from your nick, it seems like you are changing yourself because of your wife. You should never be changing yourself for someone. You should be changing because you geniunely feel that it is good for you, it is something that you want to do and not because someone else wants it and you are doing it to please her. Only when you are changing it for yourself will the change be a permanent one.
 
if a couple hv different directions in life, abit tough to stay together...
no pt to make each other's life so tough rite??
jia you and try to win her back...
but u care to share what's wrong w both of u??
 
Lets just say we are the 2 different sides of the coin. Could never meet eye to eye. I know in the past few years she have been giving more. I had withdrew more than deposit in our emotional account.

Sad to say, that this time is truly a wake-up call for me, she did mentioned I should be more caring and pay more attention to the little things that would make the relationship healthy. I got complacent and did not nurture our relationship, hence I am to blame for the state of things today.

Maybe I dun really know how to love someone right.

I agree that I should change for myself and not someone else. I pray that she is able to accept me again. I know its difficult as she told me that she has no love for me anymore.

But I could sense the bitterness and hatred in her. I feel and understand that she had harden her heart to protect herself. Its quite difficult to talk to her, every explanation becomes an excuse to her....

I really cherish our relationship and hope to start afresh. I know its difficult but I refuse to believe that its impossible.
 
if u refuse to think that it's impossible to get back with her, do your best to show her that u are a changed person, empty talk won't bring her back definitely.

I agree with procrastinator, change for the better for yourself and not for others. all the best.
 
forgot to add, we tend to take things for granted when they are just around us, but we will only feel the loss when they are no longer around. Perhaps this is a good wake-up call for u to cherish ur loved ones ard u and not take them for granted.
 
i wonder how much u can do...
but from a lady's pt of view, once a lady's heart is dead, its almost impossible to revive it... sorry if i sound like a wet blanket...
 
For me, I think that the main issue to address here is:

Are they compatible for one another?

I mean, they have been together for 6 years and it's been a miserable 6 years!
Would it be wise to extend that misery any longer if things don't work out?
So what if the TS does make those drastic changes and wins her back; but take a step back and look at the TS situation.

Will you be happy with those changes (which at this moment, we are still pretty unaware of what are the expectations from his partner) that you did for yourself?

Will you then end up being unhappy with who you are (as opposed to your partner who MIGHT be happy with these changes in you)? Have you lost your identity just becos you are changing for the sake of her and not for you?

Given the lack of information in this instance; I'm just trying to offer another alternative view here.

Wouldn't it be better for both parties; in some instances, to part ways to look for someone else who are more compatible instead of enforcing unwanted changes in oneself and then making themselves miserable for the rest of their lives?
 
the funny thing is, if Threadstarter revolves his last six years around his wife (with no friends? you kidding me??), and he's still labelled for 'uncaring', 'selfish' and 'taking her for granted'....
it is obvious that there is something v.wrong with their Communications from the start - it's the quality that counts, not quantity?

Going by his second post, it is further reinforced that they have big-time communication problems.... i interpret that Threadstarter often dismisses wife's comments, and is stubborn to opinions?

It shld be pretty well-known for her about your character, well i guess, she tried to accept you and your flaw. Perhaps, you can understand the relationship more by understanding from the past conflicts, and learn from there... rather than just looking to reconcile with her. I mean, what's the point if you don't get it?
 
TS has only mentioned the following problems between him and his wife: differences in character/outlook in life, TS being "not caring enough maybe to the extent of being selfish", and TS taking wife for granted.

If the root of their problem is due to differences in outlook in life, TS changing his outlook may not be a solution to the problem. A better one could be to part ways to look for someone else who shares the same outlook in life.

But if it is due to a character difference or TS being selfish, taking wife for granted, to me, these are undesirable traits and if TS is willing to change, even if his wife is not willing to reconcile, at least he would be a more desirable person and hopefully his next relationship will be a successful one. When TS changes himself, it is because he recognises that these are undesirable traits and he is doing it for himself.
 
TS, your wife already have left you.
IF you really love her, with real feelings and
not bcos of the emptiness in your heart.

Maybe the next thing you should do is,
start all over again. EG:

-Date her out,
-sms her daily, asking how is she,
-(dunno how close are you with her parents/siblings) maybe you can try to show
concern to her family, or pay a visit. Do what ppl usually said 'Do it the back way'.
-do some little things, to show that you really want her back in your life.

After all, you guys have been married for years..
Feelings DO not change so quickly overnite, unless there's a 3rd party (im not saying she has, just a quote)
So maybe you can make her feel love again, ask her sincerely to give you another chance to prove to her.
Maybe get her flowers, ask her out for lunch during lunch hour etc etc,
Well, we see it often in Holloywood movies, but there is certain truth to it.
Im not very good in words, but you know what i mean. *wink


Good Luck! keep us update.
happy.gif

Cheers, Melissa
 
change,

u're the type of guy frens i dump, despise and dun ever wanna ever have anything to do with again... just cos got girl only, cut off everybody.

good, it's a good lesson for u. now u realise the importance of the rest of the pple u have dumped...

think first... i'll come back and screw u more in my free time.
 
ok i'm back... do tell us what isit she wants u to change... and i will tell u if it's reasonable.

thing is, when u marry someone who is very different from u, what's needed more than anything else is a mutual respect and understanding... else u will clash too often becos u're simply too different. most times, pple like that stay together for all the wrong reasons... their concept of love is built on fear, insecurity, and a need to mutually validate each other's existence. and often, Sex is a key gel for the relationship...

relook at your marriage, relook at the whole relationship and ask yourself why u wanna keep it intact.

if your reasons are .1 how long u've been together, 2. how much u've been thru, 3. trying to keep a marriage... THEN it's just crap. it's the typical char-bor reasons for sticking and waiting around for worthless guys.

wake up from your slumber and look around u... there are pple who have invested in u via frenship, family ties etc... if u dun hold them as important as your wife, then u have failed them. and if your wife has failed u, then u ashould attribute it to the way u've lived your life... the Selfish way.

there's much to learn...
 
i think u need a major revamp ..

im also in powder pov..i alwayz cut off my ties with you this type of people even when you all ended up single.

why ? cos if you get attached again . you are going to throw off me again so why should i waste 1 min of my time on you ?

they always say opposite attracts .. you can met her demands and change to someone she prefers . but the truth is .. people are attracted to things that they cant accomplish themselves or are opposite to them ..

so do you think by going to a cousellor helps ? do you think by changing helps ??

all these are temporary measures .. i suggest the semi solid state of you find your real self first before decided your real self character can be or cannot be together with her .
 
Well, tried to bring her to meet my frens and it just didnt cut it. She didnt and couldnt really gel with some of them.

To her, I have always placed friends at a higher priority then her. This is something that I address by minimizing my contact with them. I still very much try to stay in contact with my friends when the situation permits. They are times where I wish she would appear with gatherings with me. On the contrary, I always make it a point to attend her gathering with her friends.

Thing is I am not a sweet talker, I don't know how to "hong" a girl. When she came to me with a problem, I tend to be very direct and the responses tend to be harsh and try to solve the problem when times all she needs is a listening ear. I should have laid it down in a more understanding way.

Well, talking about your wife leaving you isnt exactly easy for a guy. Hence, didnt really confide in my friends. Yes, true, there is still family. Even tho they know of the situation, I have to put on a front so that they will not worry for me too much.

I still love her and care for her. I believe that if we can start afresh, the relationship will be stronger than ever. I think that we have not really address the issues with our relationship properly. Its a "I try my way" and "you try yours" kinda way. I dun think we have really very openly talk about each other expectations of each other.

Take an example, I tried to send her to work everyday. But due to the different timings, me being earlier and she starting work later. I was unable to send her to her workplace without being late. I couldnt understand why cant she be a little more understanding and wake up a little earlier so I can still send her to work and still be in time for mine. Although in the beginning she compromise by taking the public transport from my workplace but in the long run. I could sense that she resents this. I know she is a little tired and wants to sleep in. In the end, I relented by being late very day. These are things I do that she has overlooked. Seems that she remembers the bad and forgotten about the good.
 
dude, if she's the unreasonable/not understanding type, then there's really very little u can do... nomatter how much u put in, there's bound to be displeasure... even if she's kept relatively happy... years down the road, u will hate yourself beco u dun even know who u are anymore... u are defined by what u do for your wife, and no longer who u really are...

marriage shouldn't take away your individualism.
 
Hi Change,

My views and comments....

So far, I have not seen a couple of the same thinking and character marrying each other... So having different character is not an excuse furthermore, 6 yrs of marraige leh.....how did both of you live together????

Counselling is not about changing a person though the end results is about change (not change in character). Counselling is to help both of you find the "real" root of the problems and help both of you realised it and find a common goal to work towards it. It may be you changing and wife adapting. Can't really say much as I do not know what is the main issue with your wife....
 
Woah, deja vu. change, I feel for you man.

As for your situation, it's good that you've gotten your wake up call early. Wish you the best although it isn't really up to you but your wife's mindset that needs change and to accept you for who you are.
 
change - how long has it been since your wife left you?

If its been a while and she says she has no love for you anymore, she means it.

"It's the toughest Christmas and CNY I've ever been through" Why is that so? Because out of habit, your wife has always been around during the festivities? Because all your friends and relatives ask you where your wife is? If you're holding onto the marriage because of whatever you have had, let me tell you then that you are holding onto the wrong reason. A marriage will not last if its only built on what WAS.

You say this is truly a wake-up call for you. Then stop moping about how empty and lost you are. Get your act together.
 
change,

Losing a wife may be a most shattering experience but it is not the worst thing that can happen.

It is a good time to take stock of your life. Look within yourself first - find your needs and then expand from there. Of course if your wife is also doing some introspection, it is possible for you two to take a step backwards and start a "new" relationship to re-discover each other. Otherwise once the "negative feelings" take root it will be extremely difficult to rekindle the feelings.

Losing your wife may seem to be a crushing blow to you now but it may turn out to be one of the most wonderful things that can happen to you - provided you seize the opportunity to make yourself really happy..
 
Change, looking at you remind me of myself. I somehow think that you are at a stage of 'self blame'. U r blaming urself for her leaving. And tat i strongly believe its not true. Both of you have a fair share in wats happening today. Do your best to save ur marriage, and if all fails, leave with pride. Its not the end of the world.

Oh ya! R u very sure that u still love her, or just simply dun bear to let go something or someone that u have been caring or with many years? But its difficult to differiate also...
 
Thanks all,

Told my friend, and at least I have a listening ear about what is going on, besides this forum. Burying myself in work, leaving little time to think and be sad. Yes, I am looking forward, rethinking and evaluating about our relationship. If this is the best for both of us....or is there still value and if she still willing?
 
maybe it's time to take a step back and get on with you life and see how it goes. paring ways may be hard for a start but u may realised that u r happier without her too.
 
Its painful at first, but I have come to terms with it.

It does really takes 2 hands to clap, I can't force someone to love if she doesn't feel the same way about me anymore. Yes, hurt still creeps it some time or another, especially when I knew she came back and pack her stuff back to her mum's place when I am not at home.

Let's see if counseling changes her mindset. Or its really love no more....
 
I think the separation may not be a bad thing. It gives both parties space and time to be on his/her own and do some serious thinking. Over time, you will realise that you can do without each other, and that would be a perfect point to find out if you still want to get back together.

I know it's hard but try to take it positively.
 
hi change,

u don't need to change yourself. But instead reflect and understand more.

one thing u need to realize. It is not about knowing how to 'hong' a gal that sustain the relationship. Instead, it is how much you guys understands your differences and willing to positively work on win-win solutions.

Take the bad listener thing. You took so long to realize men are natural problem solvers and that women needs someone to validate their emotions and not give them solutions all the time?

The friends thing, it is not necessary that she must be involved in your hobbies, interests and friends. Couples need to find their comfort level of personal space. In the long run, its definitely unhealthy to cut off your life from everything else. You can assure her of her importance to you without you from shutting down yourself completely. Adjustment would be needed and perhaps frequency differs. When we take time off alone without our partner, it refreshes us. We come back with more energy and patience. We need to communicate on how important this is.

Personally, I come back more loving and appreciative with the freedom and trust we give each other. This way, my wife doesn't feel neglected by time I spend on my hobbies, friends and family. At the same time, it slowly conditions her to be less sticky and reliant on my company all of the time.

And the working timing thing. Its totally ridiculous of her to resent you for this. You need to reason things with her. Sometimes, you can pamper her by letting her sleep later once a while and sometimes getting up extra early to prepare special breakfast for her. This stuffs don't really any sweet talking or 'hong' tactics. Just the little bit of extra effort to let her know you appreciate her waking up earlier. Pampering and efforts needs to be communicated and counted for something. Let her know you appreciate her efforts and you are putting in efforts to make her feel it too.

Just explain ahead that you have an important meeting and need to be on time. This set the right expectation beforehand. Don't grumble and nag about it in the morning when u guys are already late. When late, just drive faster and explaining to her to fasten the seat belt. She would get your point and appreciate your patience much better.

We normally do not really realize how simple negative thoughts can ruin the relationship in the long run. Its always all these little little stuffs accumulating through the yrs. When you see your partner getting more & more emotional and cranky, its time to reflect and analyze them and prevent them from growing. A negative mindset will perceive everything negative and everything will automatically appear negative. Its a vicious cycle. One has to be watchful over these cycles and break them before it grows.

You are probably already at the stage that it has snowball beyond a point of return. Nevertheless, LEARN & REFLECT still. Life goes on. The lesson is definitely useful for you regardless on how the marriage turn out.
 
Dear Change,

From the way you write your message, I believe you love your wife and wanted to save your marriage very much.

I can see myself in you in the past where i take my wife for granted and do my own things most of the time. Like your case, my wife always remembers the bad things and forgot the good things I did.

But i just like to share with you that woman are always emotional and sometimes does not mean what they says, especially when things that really hurt us.

The good news is that you can still save your marriage no matter how bad it seems, if you want to. All you need to have is patience and kindness in order to win back your wife.

I'm doing a 40 days love dare challenge to improve my marriage, and also in the process of setting up a support group to save people's marriage.

PM me if you are interested.

May God Bless all your marriages.
 
To be frank, when a woman is tired of everything, she is REALLY tired..... not to be a wet blanket but to make u see the reality, its hard for ur wife to turn back.. thats my tot.
 
I agree with Gracie... most women's mind will be set when they have decided on something although I wouldn't say all.

To turn the situation around, you'll need LOTSSS of effort although you might not be successful too.

However, you should still try and show your sincere - at least you fought for it and if it didn't turn out well, you've tried your best. Good luck!
 
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