Compromise

[roomfulofstars]

I'm wondering... do any of you know anyone who actually struggles with the idea of compromise in a relationship? Like he's used to getting what he wanted as a kid, with ex-gfs who happily obliges everything - plus guy friends who have similar personalities, ie: they are all puzzled that there is such a thing as compromise. They all expect the woman to give in.

So... someone I know is like this. He says he tries to compromise, and he does try hard to. But when he does, he is not happy about it. So he chooses to keep quiet about his unhappiness in order to be with the woman. Of coz this eventually eats at him in time, and the relationship deteriorates as a result.

I guess I'm puzzled that people with such mentality actually live among us, and some may even be nice people who are our friends. Yet they are like this in their personal lives, with gfs who are compatible with them, ie, don't mind giving into everything.

Then this guy met this girl who ISN'T like that, falls hard for her, but now both parties are struggling with different mentalities towards compromise.

I guess people in "our world" (as he puts it) always figured compromise is part and parcel of any relationship. A basic foundation, just like trust and communication. Nothing to get personal about.

Dunno lah, I'm still puzzled.

Thoughts?

 

[miloice]

femme, it is the case that he is focused on the action of compromise but not understanding and believing the reason behind it.

Unless, he learns to stop expecting his partner to give in and start expecting, acknowledging and appreciating differences, he will always find himself as a victim being so xin ku to give in. That, should be the 1st thing he needs to address. i.e. his thinking.

 

[vios]

highly depends on the issues....


if it's daily routine - ie. getting up earlier to send wife to work, or dining at her preferred venue etc - i don't find it bothersome.

if it's living habits - ie. aircon/fan, toilet seat up/down, tv channels, household chores etc - definitely requires understanding for some Adjustments in the initial stages, if there's no Co-hab prior to marriage life. Still very do-able though.

if it's personality traits, then gotta know that u want in a life partner beforehand liao.... very tough and tiring to accomodate something that we super-duper Hate, right?


Ur guy friend hails either from Taiwan or Korea, and he acts in F4 issit? EVERYTHING must accomodate to him arh? siao.....

 

[shirleypoise]

The definition of "compromise" is the settlement of differences by mutual concessions by adjustment of conflicting or opposing claims, principles, etc, by reciprocal modification of demands.

Why must we compromise? Because no 2 person will fit each other perfectly.

In order to compromise, the party that is compromising has to do it willingly and not grudgingly, while the other party has to appreciate that the compromise was made for him/her. And by compromise, both parties should have to make little "sacrifices" for each other and not just one-sided, unless the one-sided party is truly happy and willing with the sacrifices made. Similarly, appreciation must be shown for the one-sided sacrifice. No one person should expected to be given into ALL the time.

Most of the time, pple get upset or irritated with thots of "y am I the one who has to give in?" are largely due to them feeling unappreciated.

I dun quite understand the part on "Nothing to get personal about" cuz in my opinion, it's all personal.

 

[shirleypoise]

Is your fren super good-looking, super rich with a to-die-for body and tons of girls throwing themselves at him? If not, he must be super spoilt in his upbringing. Why must he have the upperhand in everything?

Else, he must be a MCP who thinks that the world should revolve around him and according to his wishes.

Where there come to a point when both parties are struggling with different mentalities towards compromise, perhaps they should reconsider the r/s cuz I only see a power-struggle.

 

[miloice]

Some may see compromise losing face or giving way. i.e. they feel they are losing something. That's a really shallow way.

One should realize winning need not be in a personal level. What's important is to win collectively.

 

[green_tranquility]

"Like he's used to getting what he wanted as a kid, with ex-gfs who happily obliges everything - plus guy friends who have similar personalities, ie: they are all puzzled that there is such a thing as compromise. They all expect the woman to give in. "

In those relationships, the ex-gfs are the ones who might not be happy about it LOL. They chose to keep quiet about their unhappiness in order to be with the guy initially.

That could be the reason why those "gfs" become "ex-gfs". They cannot stand him anymore?

 

[green_tranquility]

Those people who are overly self-centred and expect the whole world to revolve around their wishes will be grumpy and unhappy ones. In workplace, in relationship etc, noone calls 100% of the shots. They can choose to go black face but that won't change the situations.

I believe that in order to get other people to follow our wishes more, we will need to improve on our negotiation and persuasion skills first.

 

[tomasulu]

most of us understand the idea that nobody is perfect. and that for a relationship to work, a certain level of flex and compromise are needed. having said that, you want to be with someone who doesn't make you feel like you have to become who you are not. and in those areas you have to change to accommodate your partner, you feel that it is right to do and easy to do.

 

[susanna_low]

If it is a torture to stay together and hard to reach a mutual agreement, it is better to say "goodbye" early.

 

[lovingyou]

femme: in a r/s, we have to stop expecting or adjusting our different expectations; as no 2 different people will be having the same mentality, same mindset towards a same / similiar thing. If we keep expecting people to give in to us, this r/s will always end up being an imbalance one.

 

[sgbabydoll]

"most of us understand the idea that nobody is perfect. and that for a relationship to work, a certain level of flex and compromise are needed. having said that, you want to be with someone who doesn't make you feel like you have to become who you are not. and in those areas you have to change to accommodate your partner, you feel that it is right to do and easy to do."

I like that.

 

[mootie]

think its a give and take in r/s. For 2 diff person with diff characters to meet, attract and be together is easy. its the maintaining of the r/s thats stuff. Compromise sounds like u r always giving in without ending.this is a one way traffic which is tough to maintain.

to give and take requires 2 hands to clap. with a 2 way traffic, thats when r/s can last long. =) u cant always be the party who give in, u will find it hard to brathe in the long run. as the party when u kept receiving, u will keep expecting more. this kind of r/s will only break down sooner or later.

 

[miloice]

right to do yes. Easy to do, maybe not. We don't only make easy decisions in life. Rather, we make worthwhile decisions, be it easy or tough. If you really believe its worthwhile, you would do it wholeheartedly no matter how difficult.