Cold feet or time to call off the wedding?

bridewoes

New Member
Hi all, I am having some serious bride woes.
I'm currently engaged to my boyfriend of 2 years, but the wedding was an impromptu decision because I just found out that I'm pregnant. Have decided to keep the baby so we will be getting married in another 2 months.

However, throughout the wedding planning, I am seriously contemplating calling it off and ending the relationship because of differences between me and him, as well as our families. As it is a very rushed wedding, I understand that there are bound to be financial constraints. But what I don't understand is the contradictory ways his family 'apply' wedding traditions and their funny financial planning. Here are some examples of what I'm talking about.

1. We don't have much money, only about 10k in savings. Yet, my future parents-in-law insisted on throwing a banquet at a hotel and inviting 300+ people. My parents are totally against spending beyond our means and have told his family they don't want a banquet, at least 5 times. They convinced my parents to go along eventually and even 'gave' my mum 8 tables. Now, in-laws and husband are complaining about wedding expenses and husband even made comments like "why your parents cannot help out with the wedding expense? it's not fair for my parents to pay for everything." really want to tell them that it's also not fair to expect my parents to pay for something they never wanted nor is it right for them to pay according to tradition.

2. FMIL wanted to buy sidianjin or the wedding as they are traditional Teochew (my dialect doesn't have this as a requirement so I initially wanted to opt out of it to save more money, but they insisted). She told the jewellery shop assistant that she "wanted a more expensive one" when showed a 2k+ set. I kept quiet throughout the whole thing as since sidianjin supposed to be from PIL to DIL, so I assumed she was paying. I let her take her pick despite me being there. End up she expects my fiance to pay, and my fiance expects me to chip in. I feel slightly aggrieved because I had not wanted or needed it in the first place, and my mum even told her it's not necessary, yet they are now expecting me to chip in for it?

3. I'm in my final year of university, so I am not currently working. All doctor expenses are paid for out of my own pocket because MIL takes about 60% of my fiance's pay every month for 'household expenses' and 'wedding expenses', and he just has enough to cover his own expenses. Again, I am not complaining because I have to fork out money, as I chose to keep the baby. But isn't there a problem when I also have to chip in for his expenses because he doesn't have enough to spend? I feel ashamed that I'm still taking an allowance from my parents every month. Yet fiance doesn't seem my perspective and tells me it is his obligation as a son to chip in for household expenses. He also wants me to ask my parents to pay for my gynae visits. Does it make sense?? My parents are not obligated to pay because they didn't choose to have the kid, and a kid should be our responsibility. Furthermore, he says his parents are paying a lot for the wedding already but to me it's like, its they want to host such a grand event despite our financial constraints, and even the wedding dinner package is also they choose one (the most expensive package). If they want to have so much say in our wedding, then they pay no wrong what? since they want to dictate everything. on the other hand, my parents didn't want a banquet so why keep asking them to chip in?

my future in-laws even went so far to say if we don't receive my mother's blessings (when my parents didn't want to talk to them initially), the wedding will just proceed without them and they will be excluded. Feel like my parents totally had no say in this but somehow people expect them to pay for it...

I really want to call the whole thing off because I feel like they don't know what's a desire and what's a necessity. Of course, every girl desires a grand wedding and beautiful gowns, but as a mum-to-be, I believe I speak for most parents when I say all parents want the best for their children. My baby's needs are now the priority and a necessity, yet they want to spend so much on a one-day event, to the point they don't mind incurring some debts for it. tried speaking to them about it yet they say I'm being calculative and unreasonable????
 


miloice

Well-Known Member
Hi all, I am having some serious bride woes.
I'm currently engaged to my boyfriend of 2 years, but the wedding was an impromptu decision because I just found out that I'm pregnant. Have decided to keep the baby so we will be getting married in another 2 months.

However, throughout the wedding planning, I am seriously contemplating calling it off and ending the relationship because of differences between me and him, as well as our families. As it is a very rushed wedding, I understand that there are bound to be financial constraints. But what I don't understand is the contradictory ways his family 'apply' wedding traditions and their funny financial planning. Here are some examples of what I'm talking about.

1. We don't have much money, only about 10k in savings. Yet, my future parents-in-law insisted on throwing a banquet at a hotel and inviting 300+ people. My parents are totally against spending beyond our means and have told his family they don't want a banquet, at least 5 times. They convinced my parents to go along eventually and even 'gave' my mum 8 tables. Now, in-laws and husband are complaining about wedding expenses and husband even made comments like "why your parents cannot help out with the wedding expense? it's not fair for my parents to pay for everything." really want to tell them that it's also not fair to expect my parents to pay for something they never wanted nor is it right for them to pay according to tradition.

2. FMIL wanted to buy sidianjin or the wedding as they are traditional Teochew (my dialect doesn't have this as a requirement so I initially wanted to opt out of it to save more money, but they insisted). She told the jewellery shop assistant that she "wanted a more expensive one" when showed a 2k+ set. I kept quiet throughout the whole thing as since sidianjin supposed to be from PIL to DIL, so I assumed she was paying. I let her take her pick despite me being there. End up she expects my fiance to pay, and my fiance expects me to chip in. I feel slightly aggrieved because I had not wanted or needed it in the first place, and my mum even told her it's not necessary, yet they are now expecting me to chip in for it?

3. I'm in my final year of university, so I am not currently working. All doctor expenses are paid for out of my own pocket because MIL takes about 60% of my fiance's pay every month for 'household expenses' and 'wedding expenses', and he just has enough to cover his own expenses. Again, I am not complaining because I have to fork out money, as I chose to keep the baby. But isn't there a problem when I also have to chip in for his expenses because he doesn't have enough to spend? I feel ashamed that I'm still taking an allowance from my parents every month. Yet fiance doesn't seem my perspective and tells me it is his obligation as a son to chip in for household expenses. He also wants me to ask my parents to pay for my gynae visits. Does it make sense?? My parents are not obligated to pay because they didn't choose to have the kid, and a kid should be our responsibility. Furthermore, he says his parents are paying a lot for the wedding already but to me it's like, its they want to host such a grand event despite our financial constraints, and even the wedding dinner package is also they choose one (the most expensive package). If they want to have so much say in our wedding, then they pay no wrong what? since they want to dictate everything. on the other hand, my parents didn't want a banquet so why keep asking them to chip in?

my future in-laws even went so far to say if we don't receive my mother's blessings (when my parents didn't want to talk to them initially), the wedding will just proceed without them and they will be excluded. Feel like my parents totally had no say in this but somehow people expect them to pay for it...

I really want to call the whole thing off because I feel like they don't know what's a desire and what's a necessity. Of course, every girl desires a grand wedding and beautiful gowns, but as a mum-to-be, I believe I speak for most parents when I say all parents want the best for their children. My baby's needs are now the priority and a necessity, yet they want to spend so much on a one-day event, to the point they don't mind incurring some debts for it. tried speaking to them about it yet they say I'm being calculative and unreasonable????

Why you decided to keep the baby, you have to face with the finances as well. Now, will your decision be the same with or without your fiance? Are you prepared to be a mother? Now, from your description, your fiance family are very face saving but at the same time, stingy, this is why they do all these nonsense to impose their wants to you and expects you and your family to chip in. This is your life and marriage that you are talking about. Don't start it with everyone else calling the shots on THINGS that matters. We can all compromise on minor things. Now, finances for your future, family and baby are priority. Your responsibility as mother, no one else will take on for you. So, do what is necessary to ensure that. It is time to be upfront with your fiance. Where are your priorities and boundaries. Things that matters and that you will not compromise on.
 

angelccl93

New Member
Hi all, I am having some serious bride woes.
I'm currently engaged to my boyfriend of 2 years, but the wedding was an impromptu decision because I just found out that I'm pregnant. Have decided to keep the baby so we will be getting married in another 2 months.

However, throughout the wedding planning, I am seriously contemplating calling it off and ending the relationship because of differences between me and him, as well as our families. As it is a very rushed wedding, I understand that there are bound to be financial constraints. But what I don't understand is the contradictory ways his family 'apply' wedding traditions and their funny financial planning. Here are some examples of what I'm talking about.

1. We don't have much money, only about 10k in savings. Yet, my future parents-in-law insisted on throwing a banquet at a hotel and inviting 300+ people. My parents are totally against spending beyond our means and have told his family they don't want a banquet, at least 5 times. They convinced my parents to go along eventually and even 'gave' my mum 8 tables. Now, in-laws and husband are complaining about wedding expenses and husband even made comments like "why your parents cannot help out with the wedding expense? it's not fair for my parents to pay for everything." really want to tell them that it's also not fair to expect my parents to pay for something they never wanted nor is it right for them to pay according to tradition.

2. FMIL wanted to buy sidianjin or the wedding as they are traditional Teochew (my dialect doesn't have this as a requirement so I initially wanted to opt out of it to save more money, but they insisted). She told the jewellery shop assistant that she "wanted a more expensive one" when showed a 2k+ set. I kept quiet throughout the whole thing as since sidianjin supposed to be from PIL to DIL, so I assumed she was paying. I let her take her pick despite me being there. End up she expects my fiance to pay, and my fiance expects me to chip in. I feel slightly aggrieved because I had not wanted or needed it in the first place, and my mum even told her it's not necessary, yet they are now expecting me to chip in for it?

3. I'm in my final year of university, so I am not currently working. All doctor expenses are paid for out of my own pocket because MIL takes about 60% of my fiance's pay every month for 'household expenses' and 'wedding expenses', and he just has enough to cover his own expenses. Again, I am not complaining because I have to fork out money, as I chose to keep the baby. But isn't there a problem when I also have to chip in for his expenses because he doesn't have enough to spend? I feel ashamed that I'm still taking an allowance from my parents every month. Yet fiance doesn't seem my perspective and tells me it is his obligation as a son to chip in for household expenses. He also wants me to ask my parents to pay for my gynae visits. Does it make sense?? My parents are not obligated to pay because they didn't choose to have the kid, and a kid should be our responsibility. Furthermore, he says his parents are paying a lot for the wedding already but to me it's like, its they want to host such a grand event despite our financial constraints, and even the wedding dinner package is also they choose one (the most expensive package). If they want to have so much say in our wedding, then they pay no wrong what? since they want to dictate everything. on the other hand, my parents didn't want a banquet so why keep asking them to chip in?

my future in-laws even went so far to say if we don't receive my mother's blessings (when my parents didn't want to talk to them initially), the wedding will just proceed without them and they will be excluded. Feel like my parents totally had no say in this but somehow people expect them to pay for it...

I really want to call the whole thing off because I feel like they don't know what's a desire and what's a necessity. Of course, every girl desires a grand wedding and beautiful gowns, but as a mum-to-be, I believe I speak for most parents when I say all parents want the best for their children. My baby's needs are now the priority and a necessity, yet they want to spend so much on a one-day event, to the point they don't mind incurring some debts for it. tried speaking to them about it yet they say I'm being calculative and unreasonable????

In my honest opinion, face value isn't even important when it comes to a marriage. Throwing a wedding banquet you cannot afford ending up in debts just for a 1 day event isn't worth it. What matters is you and your fiancé after the wedding dinner. Why would your parents-in-law want their son and DIL to throw such a grand wedding dinner when nobody will remember it after that? Except for the both of you and both your parents will remember it because it's special to you all. You really need to emphasize to your fiancé that you are not expecting a grand wedding because usually it's the guy side that hopes they don't have to throw such a grand wedding so it's the first time I'm hearing of such a special case.

If your parents-in-law insist on the grand wedding, your fiancé should be the one to tell them either to pay for it or don't have the wedding at all. No parents would want to see their kids splurge on a wedding dinner till the extent of incurring debts because the money could be put to better use like for your unborn baby, new flat and honeymoon.

If your fiancé wants to have the grand wedding and expects you or your parents to pay, then maybe you should reconsider the marriage as more money issues are bound to arise after the wedding if his character and family is like that. And let him know that since the both of you made the decision to keep the baby, then he should be considering for your lil' family and start planning his finances properly like a responsible man.
 

buddhabar

Active Member
Are really sure should you want the baby?
Is he really sure he wants to be father now?
Are you both sure this is not emotional decision?
Are you both prepare to skip your honeymoon stage of your marriage and go straight into parenthood. Marriage is reversible, childbirth is not. Marriage is not a solution to unplan pregnancy. Whatever problems you are facing now are trival to a lifetime challenge of sustaining a marriage. Once the baby is born, its not longer about you and your husband because your decision will determine the destiny of a innocent young life. Think and consider very hard in all asspects. Remember , your decision is your choice but the consequence is not.

I wish you the best in any decision you made
 

keigichan

New Member
Hey dear, it is going to be tough being a first time mom, and the expenses that you will incur in the future with childbirth and all the necessary expenses is going to take a toll as well. It might not be that wise to spend so much money on a wedding only to find yourself in an (even more) financially tight situation so I totally get your point on not wanting to spend on things you dont want/need. Perhaps you can try to talk to your fiance about it. But if he does not understand your views and keeps expecting you to compromise (or pressuring your family for financial support and not understanding why its unreasonable), then perhaps its time to evaluate if this is what you want for your future. Having an unsupportive husband and inlaws are already hard enough after any marriage, even more so when you are going to have a child soon after your wedding and needing to deal with all of this is going to overwhelm you in the future. Also, if a wedding can already cause so much friction in opinions, take into consideration motherhood, do you think you will be supported by your husband and inlaws, or will they clash with you in terms of child upbringing values?

It sounds like if you are going to go ahead with what you described in your post, you are going to end up in alot of debt and financial strain, supporting yourself, your newborn baby and medical expenses, and maybe even your husband (because he only gets 40% pay??), while still in final year of uni. It will also be difficult to find a job after you have given birth so are you two really ready to support a new family (on his 40% pay) with a lavish wedding as well? Or will he start making you turn to your family again in the future for money.

From what it sounds like, your husband to be seems to be quite a mother's boy, will he stand up for you and support you in the future, or do you think you might have to be pressured to compromise even more in the future? And can you see yourself doing that for the rest of your life, especially for things that are important for you? I agree with Miloice on her point above, remember there is only that much that one can keep compromising before they break. So I would also advice you to consider carefully, weighing all the pros and cons. I wish you and your child all the best, and if you need any of us to support you and help talk things through just let us know :)
 

ing1

Active Member
may i ask, what is your plan now?

1) calling off the wedding dinner and do just ROM?
2) calling off the wedding and be a single mom?
3) sticking with wedding and keep compromising?
4) any option 4?

by the way, are you going to stay with your in-laws after wedding?

we can help by lending our ears (or rather eyes in this case) but you have to be sure of what you want your future (that includes your unborn child) to be and you do not have much time left to the wedding. Weigh the consequences, be brave, stick to your decision and do not look back. Life will be tough going forward but I am sure you will have the full support from your parents. Be glad that all these differences are popping up now rather than later after marriage.

all the best! by the way, its difficult to change a mommy's boy thinking. just my tots.
 

Top