Betrayed

[yellowflower]

Hi all, I'm really at a loss what I should do right now. Seems weird to be coming online to get advice, but that's all I can do to distract myself from crying.

I've been with my bf for close to 3 years and the day before yesterday (Monday) when I was over at his place, I found out things that I should not have. He was out buying something and I was using his computer. There was a text document on his desktop which read 'new account'. Being the kpo person that I am (not that im suspicious of my bf), I open it and I saw username and password for a new facebook account.

At that point of time, I already knew something was fishy and I just had to check it out, so I logged onto facebook and saw my bf's name on the new profile. There was only one person on his friends list, it was a 17 year old girl. So I checked his inbox, nothing. Sent folder - one lengthy mushy message to that girl. In the message, I found out that he had met her, and even gave her a back massage at the park (in the message, he was asking her if the massage managed to sooth her aches). He talked at length about how attracted he is to her, and hope that she will give him a chance to share weal and woe. And in his message, he apologised for trying to hold her hand, saying how her small hands needed big hands like his to protect.

I was so devastated at that point of time that I really felt like jumping out of the window. To me, that was betrayal of my trust in him. And in his profile, he even faked his age to be 19 (when he is mid-20s; I'm mid-20s too). Somehow at that point of time, I couldnt cry because no tears came. Instead I was shaking with anger and disbelief. And utterly disappointed and disgusted.

I confronted him when he came back and he was speechless. He claimed that the message was just a message and he never planned to carry it on with the girl. But how am I to trust him??? He pleaded and begged but his words just fell through me.

He met the girl on sat night after he sent me home and even met her on sunday again to pass her snacks (all these were in his message to her). And we went out on our usual weekend outings on both sat and sun. To think he was probably thinking of her as he hugged me.

For goodness' sake, she's 17 and almost a decade younger than him! What I cannot accept is how, everything seems so peaceful. We hardly fight and we really enjoy each other's company, and even discussed about marriage many times. So why? Why did he stray??? Prior to this, we usually meet quite frequently so there's no reason for him to be lonely.

I really cannot accept infidelity but I'm struggling to let go. Would really really appreciate some advice on what I should do? Forgiveness is such a hard thing to do right now.

 

[fatxcat]

He just looking for a cheap thrill..
Dump him..

 

[powder]

xm,

let's leave out the Right/Wrong for now...

it's in the nature of males to hunt, the thrill of hunting dates back by centuries and it pretty much backs the need for some ego-boost and self-recognition. in present days, u either get them in lan-games winning battles.. at the pool tables.. or courting girls. of cos some will embrace all 3. courting girls comes as a natural to males, just as modesty is to a lady...

now let's look at your guy... well u have every right to be upset, but 1st thing u dun do - is to harbour thoughts of jumping out of the window, nor reacting in a self-absorbed manner. this is 1 aspect of your life that's currently in jeopardy, not the only aspect. rem that pls...

can u still trust him, or can u let this matter go if he sincerely apologies? if u can't then u have to look at leaving. if u wanna stay, u have to be objective and not impose restrictions...

the big question here is whether he's likely to be philanderous in the near future, and continue participating in the little courtships. that's the only question u need to answer or believe...

 

[fatxcat]

Agree with powder but one thing u must remember, if you do forgive him, never bring this up when u quarral.
It will make everything worse.. and u must really forget this ever happen, if not you will always be suspicious when he like not contactable tor out with friends..

 

[yellowflower]

hi powder, thank you for your reply. really appreciate it though your reply made me teared in office.

What I really cannot understand is why he is willing to put our 3 years of r/s at risk just for the cheap thrill of trying to hold another girl's hand. He maintains that it is just a moment of folly, but I really dont know how many more moments of folly there will be in the future. He claims that he never intends to carry it on, that he wasnt waiting for a reply from the girl and that he even forgot the contents of the message. But I thought about it again; he wrote the message on sunday night, and I found out about it on monday afternoon. How forgetful can he be??

I dont know if I'm lucky or unlucky to have found out about this right from the start before things get out of hand. He wrote in the message that he was planning to celebrate the girl's birthday this coming weekend and I questioned him about it. He claimed that it was just a joke and that if I dont believe him, just wait till this sat to see if he is going to celebrate for the girl. But, the thing is, obviously now that I have found out about it, he wont fake an excuse to meet up with the girl (that is, if he still treasures this r/s as he has claimed). Perhaps I should have waited till sat to see if the celebration was going to take place.

Another thing that I cant take is that, he still insists that he hasnt done anything against his conscience. But to me, he has already betrayed my trust in him. Perhaps our definition of infidelity is totally different. He feels he has not done me wrong by meeting up with the girl. But has he? I really dont know.

I face many temptations at work with guys asking me out for dinner and what-nots. But I just tell them nicely that I'm happily attached. I really dont see why he isnt able to resist temptations. And just digressing, the girl is not even pretty (I'm not blaming the girl or anything, cuz obviously she doesnt know that he is already attached). I'm blaming myself for being a pathetic girlfriend who can't even hold on to her bf.

And I really dont know if I can trust him anymore. But I'm so unwilling to let go because he has been such a wonderful and caring bf. I'm really torn between listening to my mind or heart. He says he will not do such a thing again, but havent I heard such promises ad nauseum from those typical drama serials. I seriously dont know who I can trust anymore.

 

[little_ms_naughty]

xm,

i was in the same shoes some time back..

I was unhappy with Hubby using Facebook to add girls & flirting with them with the applications...

I told him about me being very uncomfortable with the way he is doing things, & he promised me to quit Facebook..

A few months later, i found out he signed up another a/c, this time using another name, a name he came up with..

I was devasted, as i saw that out of the 400+ people in his friends lists, 400+ are all ladies..

I confronted him again, & he told me it was the girls who added him, which i knew it was crap!!

I saw the activities he had with the girls, they're all like i hug u you hug me, i kiss u u kiss me kind...

As his wife, how would you expect me to accept all the activities that have been going on behind your back???

Of coz, people can say, they're just applications on facebook & that we are over-reacting.. But who knows if they had any hanky panky underground??? It just pissed me off @ the thought of that!!

Didn't he already promised me to quit facebook?? Then why did he sign up another a/c with another name???

We had a very huge quarrel, & i wanted to end it offf with him..

But we made up when he deleted the a/c before my very eyes, so I forgave him..

Frankly, i'm not sure whether he signed up yet another a/c again.. I'm not interested to know anymore..

I adopted the ignorance is bliss attitude..

So long as he is still sweet & does his part as a husband, i'm ok already..

its better not to know too much..

Remember, ignorance is bliss.. Seriously..

Till date, (from the time he deleted his a/c till now, its been more than 6 months) everything is going on quite ok..

Jia you!!

 

[toyisme]

what is say is something like Fog of Love

 

[powder]

xm,

u're not pathetic at this point... u will be if u know he's philandering and u still stick to him hoping for change...

i'll be objective, i think the rest of it u know hw to take care... the things he told u abt the girl - it's kinda bull... he'll find a way to carry on had u not found out, i'm pretty certain of that. and the replies given are pretty much those whoich pple who got caught - will say. so for that matter it's kinda not-so-good for u.

on the other side, i guess if u can be sure that it's all down to folly and hormones, u might find it in your heart to let the matter go. guys will flirt, so will girls... whether or not One flirts with the intention to derive sexual pleasure on a short or long - is another matter.

it's not infidelity, but there's certainly an intention to cheat on u... and if given the chance - he will. BUT relationships are abt ups and downs, and fidelity issues are part of the DOWNs... i know alot of pple won't tolerate it At All. but i hope u can explore this aspect abit and ask yourself how much can u accept...

if we assume All men cheat. would u prefer if they seek a prostitute/a ONS... or would u prefer them to double-time u with another girl they love? explore this question...

if u cannot accept either, then dun hang on to relationships that have a high-risk of either of them happening. he isn't the right one in this aspect even though he fulfills your other needs...

some ladies are more open. i know many pple dun understand this... but there are ladies who are more open. maybe less in spore... but in some other countries, it's not as big a deal... i've met ladies who are so much in their career that they hire girls to keep the hubbies company... obviously, these ladies' priorities is more on making the most out of life and dun fall in your regular expectations. to them sex is just sex and they dun have time to engage with their hubbies... they prefer wining/dining and shopping... i'm talking high-powered individuals i guess... but it's just to present another side to u.

take your focus out of this matter... stand 10 feet away, look at it. stand further, look at it again... once u get a more worldly view - it will not hurt as much as now.

 

[yellowflower]

littlemsnaughty,

I really wished I havent found out about it.

I wish to be ignorant about the things he does behind my back and just live happily in my own little world, laced with happy sugary (and probably make-believe) things.

But I can't.

After this incident, it made me so much more suspicious and I believe that if I do forgive him and continue the r/s, I will end up as one of those typical suspicious partner who will keep tabs and check their partner's hp/email 24/7, etc. And I really dont want to be like this. I remember reading from somewhere (perhaps one of the advices given in this forum), 'if you are searching hard for something, you will find it'.

And right now, I dont know if I should even be continuing the r/s.

 

[judetan]

follow your heart,hear what your hearts says.see if he is worth giving a chance..in a relationship, marriage, is a gamble, high risks, sometimes returns high, sometimes no returns at all.

If you end it, would u be better off without him? I mean it's hard if you still love him.

In this world there is nothing 100% guaranteed, in near future, if u find a new bf or hubby, who can guarantee he be 100% faithful, not even God can guarantee.

 

[yellowflower]

powder,

I feel the same way as you about what he tried to explain about the girl. I think it is just crap and what makes it worse, is that, that's his only explanation. It is just so hard for me to forgive him when he is not even genuinely apologetic. I really wonder what made such a caring bf cheat. Maybe my judgement of people needs some correction.

I need time to think and it doesnt help that he is pressurising me to give him a chance. And he wont take no for an ans.

But now I'm thinking, maybe I should just let him be with the girl, after all he doesnt even treasure this r/s. Who knows, right now, he could be msging the girl again.

How does he still expect me to hold his hand when he has tried to hold another girl's hand??

Perhaps I'm not one who can tolerate cheating, however minor it is. I just need to listen to my mind - and break up with him. Even if i do give him a chance again, I know i will keep thinking about all these again and again. They say 'forgive and forget' but I can do neither.

powder, thanks, it has been very comforting to read your advices.

 

[yellowflower]

jude,

it's very very hard, because I know that deep down, i still love him. But I'm not sure if he feels the same.

but i really dont know if i should subject myself to a probable repeat of such cheating. I dont think my heart can take it.

No one is perfect, but all i ask for is for him not to cheat (or even intend to cheat) on me. I dont ask for branded things, $, or other material things, I just request for a bf who doesnt stray, is that so much to ask for?

 

[powder]

xm,

in the meantime dun be pressured into definite answers... just take some time off to re-align yourself... personally i feel at least 2 weeks, cos your world and perspectives will change slightly from this episode.

to be honest, i find sporeans too uptight and constantly seeking right/wrongs in matters... very black n white. use the period to explore some grey, perhaps accept 1-2 dates and just give other guys a chance to let u see things...

we will never know if wat we have is the best unless we've seen outside. of cos, sometimes, everything outside seems more attractive to explore... i guess the same thing happened with your bfren and that girl... they are never gonna be an item i'm sure, but their paths cross - perhaps for him to know how weak he is, perhaps for him to know how much he treasures u... perhaps for her to know that guys are after her for sex, perhaps for her to know that guys lie and the world is harsh out there...

we all touch each other's lives in many ways even if for a short brush... sometimes we're the bad guys, sometimes we're the good guys...

 

[judetan]

time will tell, u need time off..be alone, think carefully. It can take month, maybe even years.. to come to a conclusion what you want. But hey, who rushing you? No one..it's your life and you are in charge of it. Remember, everything happen for a reason, for all you know, in the midst of thinking...u might embark on a new journey with someone. We never know, but god knows.

 

[lei_qie_er]

Hi xm,

I have encountered the similar situation like you few years back. We knew each other online. And thus, we tend to chat in msn as our form of communication daily instead of phone calls. We will chat almost every night online. Not until don't know when did I realise that he seldom log on to msn. I questioned him and his reply was that he is busy playing online games. And the games normally would last him long until it is time for him to turn in. And so, I began to suspect his action. There is no way I can track him until one day I saw a note on his table. A piece of paper with a few alphabets and the first thing that strike me was - it might be his password. I know it is very rude for me to intrude in his privacy. But, my sixth sense just alert me that this could be the only way to track him if those alphabets were to be his password.

And so, I log on to his email/friendster account using the 'password'. I saw an email from him to a girl confessing his love for her. And the date sent was during our 9th months of courtship! He mentioned that he has never came across a girl like her before, all the sweet stuffs that he can ever think of, are all in that email. I was stunned at that moment. I never knew that someone who is so close with me will turn out to be a stranger. Prior to that, he also sign up to many online sites and message girls wanting to know them. Found out that he post a message on those nightlife website saying that the music that night was unbearable and nothing much to enjoy. I backtrack the date and realised that it was a weekday and it was after he told me he gonna turn in then on the other hand, he went clubbing with his friends.

I was really devastated upon knowing so much dark secret from him. Confronted him, as usual, guys will say they did it just for fun, not serious. And he even told me he is a MAN of WORDS only. He never action in anything and thus this is not consider betrayal to him. Wanted me to give him another chance and assure me with lots of 'promises' that he loved to give.

After giving us a 1 month coolong down period, I finally decided to leave him for good. Facing him will keep reminding me of all the things that he has done before. I really cannot live with that.

Till now, I am glad that I have not regretted anything from it. I always believe Everything happens for a Reason. It could be a blessing in disguise. Now, I have met someone who is much more better than him in character. We all know that human are not perfect. Human tend to err. But not to those extend that he/she don't know how to treasure things/people around them. Love yourself and prevent getting hurt.

Cheers =)

 

[yellowflower]

Dear all,

Thank you so much for your advices and time.

I guess I have a rough idea on how I should move on from here.

Thanks once again.

 

[mum_of_2_girls]

Hi xm,

Your boyfriend has not formally propose to you yet. So may the best girl win his heart.

Wouldn't you be happy if your boyfriend found someone suitable to share his life with?

You should not be afraid of competition, view in a positive light. You should be proud that some girls are attracted to your boyfriend that means he must have some good qualities in him.

During my dating days with my hubby, I already knew my hubby was very popular with girls.
He had all the qualities that a girl hope for in a husband.

Even when we went on a trip with friends, some girl would ask to join us. I told him it's alright, his friend is also my friend in a way. I should be gracious.

During the trip, I shared a room with the girl and we became friends. I even pretend that I need afternoon nap and let them have some personal time alone.

So I was really surprised when he proposed to me 3mths later. We invited all the girls to our wedding. The girls gave us their blessings too.

If you watch the Korean or Japanese drama "Boys Over Flowers", you will know what I mean.
The lead actress even help and allow her rival to date her boyfriend. But in the end her boyfriend chose to marry the lead actress because she is the one meant for him.

So touching and romantic!

 

[infojunkie]

er... what competition?
and what's there to be gracious?

here's a guy who's courting after nubile young things in the hope of bedding them... and at the same time still hv a regular gf, so that he will always has someone to fall back on...

 

[laundry_woes]

& I wouldn't want to style my relationships after korean dramas. It's visually appealing to watch cute guy end up wif pretty girl. But half the time, I wanna wring their necks for their namby pamby ways.

 

[lei_qie_er]

Agreed...!

 

[mum_of_2_girls]

Hi Powder,

Can you share with us your love story?

For a successful man like you, I'm sure there's a lot of girls after you?

What makes you choose your wife over other girls and how you convince your wife to stay with your mother?

I really admire how you are able to handle your career and family life well.

Looking forward to your reply.

 

[laundry_woes]

Got a lot of girls meh? Muz convert to Islam, y'know. Heheh.

I would think there's no need for convincing Mrs Powder. He'll have picked the woman who suits his lifestyle best.

 

[powder]

hi Albee,

laundry is right u know? she's one of those who kept knocking on my door but u know me lah... where got so easy one? i hang up and sell, then she also hang up and sell, end up both of us no-sales.

jokes aside, laundry is right lah... i didn't settle down til i met the perfect partner/soul-mate/companion.

on the contrary, it's not true - not many girls after me, definitely not. close/good lady frens Yes, but it'll never be romantic cos they know me too well liao. i'm a horrible person to live with... no bday prsents, no anniversary surprises, no sweet smses, no such things at all. ZERO. definitely not an easy guy to be with... i'm not even nice to girls... dun speak, dun treat anyone special, and very indifferent and bo chup.

my wife... she understands why i dun place her as the no.1 priority in my life and she can accept that... she is not sticky and does not demand alot of my time... she does not need me to fetch her nor will she throw tantrums... she meets my frens and realises why i'm who i am... i tell her i go ktv and she doesn't stop me nor get paranoid... she doesn't check my phone nor emails even if she has access. she doesn't ask me for money nor expect any support from me... i buy her a 10k watch and she insists on paying me back...

basically she's a gem... we had no wedding, no honeymoon, and our ROM location is a Hawker centre in shenton way during friday lunchtime... later we changed it cos her frens objected and sponsored us a better location (so i saved money! yoohoo!).

i dun think it's just me and how i handle... without my wife i'd still be a bachelor. it's that simple... if she wasn't in my life i dun think anyone else could actually be my wife.

actually nothing to be admired, just live true to yourself and honest to yourself. dun do things to please others and dun listen to opinions of pple who aren't qualified to advise u.

think my reply isn't the type pple look forward to lah... but tat's just me. if u look forward and i write u a wonderful crafted story, then i'm not Powder liao...

 

[laundry_woes]

I was knocking on ur door to try to sell u a vacuum cleaner. In any case, it'll never work out between us. I dun hv 10k to return u each time u buy me a watch. It's not u, it's me.

 

[powder]

glad u know i'm faultless... yeah it's u.

 

[yellowflower]

4 months have passed since the saga. I did forgive him and carried on with the relationship but I was still feeling very sore about the whole incident. Both of us pretended as if nothing has happened but deep inside, we (at least for me) know that it will never be the same again.

Because of the saga, I unknowingly became more suspicious and will check his hp for msges and so on. Each time I do so, I'm afraid that I might find something that I wish not to find. But so far, nothing. But I just can't stop myself from being so suspicious and all.

Recently, I got close to a guy at work. He revealed that he has feelings for me and started to chase me. And I allowed myself to be chased. Somehow after this little incident, I'm starting not to feel too sore about the previous saga. I dont check my bf's hp anymore and I dont question him anymore. But on the other hand, I find myself slowly liking the other guy. I'm quite confused now as to what I should do.....

 

[texasholdem]

its wrong to allow urself to be chaseeed. it best to give up ur bf

 

[infojunkie]

why not? Choice is a good thing...

 

[mootie]

er... i think it's only wrong if they're married. but since they are only boy and ger friend, then y not explore further?

of coz XM, it's not gd to 2 time. not fair for either side. make up ur mind. if u realsie that u prefer this new guy, juz break up with ur current bf and seek for ur happiness. and if u still holds feelings for ur current bf and still feel the sore, tok to him. perhaps u can give each other a cooling period and explore other chances available. however, u need to come to a consensus for this. =) wishing u all the best!

 

[miloice]

u r feeling less sore because u r experiencing from the other side now. Just as how you allowed this new guy to woo you, all the negativity you had for your bf then, does it point back to yourself now?

We are all humans and temptations are real. It happens to everyone. Being realistic, one should be less up tight and give each other space and room to manage it themselves. If the trust is abused, just move on. Its normal to keep one eye open and give some reminders. But, we cannot be breathing down their necks probing and spying on them. No relationship will work like this.

Blissful, married or not, hard to say right or wrong. But, if one is in a healthy and fulfilling mutual relationship and yet greeding to flirt, then its clear cut selfish thought. Its very tempting when there is a ready opportunity to 'tou chi'. Mostly, the intention is really to enjoy the trill and excitment of 'stealing' and 'eating' the forbidden fruit. Need to look at individual situation rather than the marital status. That's merely a piece of legal doc, it doesn't really tell much of the relationship at all.

 

[mootie]

totally agree with u Milo. but then again, on a outsider's view, they will always have a " you are wrong" kind of thinking if you were to get entangled into another relationship when u r married. and most of the time, wat they know are very surface kind of story and they will start to point fingers (juz saying this in a general sense).

i doubt alot of ppl out there will have the same thinking as u, like thinking wat the situation / temptation the person is in etc. hee.. juz sidetrack abit, have u faced temptations before? erm.. u can choose not to answer if u want to. =) am juz curious based on wat u analyze.

 

[limpat1]

i have been in this situation before but on a larger scale. i finally decided to let the relationship go. but even though he seems to have mended his ways to be a better person i still couldn't find myself trusting him again. my best bet is to let him go... im happier now that he's out of my life

 

[yellowflower]

thanks milo for your advices. Appreciate your time to comment on my issue.

But i have to disagree a little on one of your points.

'Just as how you allowed this new guy to woo you, all the negativity you had for your bf then, does it point back to yourself now?'

Dont really see how allowing another guy to chase me puts me in the same category as how my bf went after another girl. It's not that I'm the one who went after another guy? Hmmm. What do you think?

 

[yellowflower]

patracia>> thanks for sharing. perhaps you would like to elaborate on what 'on a larger scale' means? If you dont mind, that is.

 

[miloice]

xm,

I'm not referring to who doing the wooing. The fact is, you were participating in the courtship and leading this new guy on. Would you have known if it was the 17 yr that 1st gave your bf the hints or something??

Traditionally, guys are more proactive and most gals are still preferring that guys take the initiative. So, its hard to make such apple to orange comparisions. However, the main point that I'm trying to bring across is that now you too are having feelings for someone other than your partner. So, you will appreciate now the fact that lines isn't that clear and straight forward.

Several folks have pointed out, it is the temptation to experience the thrill and excitement of cheating than really falling for someone in the situation of your bf. Its really him falling to his greed for temptations.

This isn't a justification for what he did. Rather, realising how real and human such temptations are. It doesn't only happen to monsters and perverts. We are all vunerable.

 

[miloice]

Blissful,

"i doubt alot of ppl out there will have the same thinking as u"

I was the 1st one that pointed finger at my own dad. But, as we go through life experiences, we will discover all these finger pointing is really childish and opinionated. As a society, its always critical and judgemental. But as individual, we should be more sensible and not go with the public opinion of everything we see and hear. There is always another side of the story. The less popular but more trueful one though.

 

[mootie]

yesh Milo, totally agree.. i guess human will juz go along with one side of the story and make comments about it. few of us will juz stop and listen to both sides of story first before commenting. perhaps by listening to one side of the story is easier to pin-point who's the bad guy straight away, the easier way out.

in this case, XM, maybe u might want to find out more? coz like wat milo says, it might be the ger who initiated first. and when temptation comes, its really hard to determine wat's the right step to take ahead. it suddenly become a grey area for the person involved. and in this case, it might not mean that ur bf don't love u anymore, and juz hang on for the sake of hanging. a moment of folly might be the reason. and perhaps since u have found out, it suddenly wake him up and realize that he still lvoes u the most. =)