Anyone have success stories after an infidelity?
- Thread starter Roxie88
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miloice
Well-Known Member
if given the choice for me, death will not separate us. Well, we know the responsibilities, our family, children and parents to care for. they need us too.
newproject
Active Member
I have no evidence but I think cases where there is infidelity on both sides tends to be hopeless.
Indeed..to forgive and move on is easier said than done.. Especially when the mode of recovery for husband n wife is different. My husband wants to just close this chapter, as he called it and moved on.. He said he had made the decision n will not change his mind, not only for our daughter n son but for me as well. While he takes it so lightly after 'enjoying' that affair, i had to just close the chapter.. Heartpain, injustice and anger.. Tell me why i chose to stay in the beginning.. He seems to have completely forgotten of his betrayal, thinks everything wilk just be the same again.. Not on my side.. Is that a man's ego? Upset..
my husband said the exact things! he doesnt want me to talk about it anymore and just wants to get on with our life..
meiji5
Member
Unfortunately, most men are this way. Their way of "getting over things" is to forget about it. Like what others have said, men are different from us women. We are more emotional so we tend to linger on things longer than men.
Roxie88, would it help if you went for some counselling to help you grieve over the betrayal and learn to trust your husband again? Sometimes it's just the process of letting it all out. It would be great if your husband could participate so he can understand how it has affected you and that it is a journey to recovery for both parties instead of one saying to get over it and the other to just comply.
Hi meiji 5 and stillhurt,
Yes. I guess seeking professional help is a way to get an outlet.. Not sure if husband is willing though he did say he will go if thats whats i need before. However, things just got back to normal so quickly for us, it seemed nothing have changed. Do guys really get over such things so quickly..it seems to be like 'i have made my decision, i want to be with u the rest of my life and i will not contact the other woman again.' He totally just stop mentioning about her.. I know that is the good thing..but am just afraid of his reaction if that woman contact him instead? I will not be comfortable if he reply or be neutral to her. I want him to ignore, to break off contact totally! Is that too difficult?
meiji5
Member
I have been in somewhat of a similar situation but that was when I was with my bf. He cheated on me and I had issues dealing with the excuses he made. He even promised me (the 2nd time) that he wouldn't do it again, but the trust was totally gone. I even became a different person, self-doubting not just on him but myself too. Self-esteem was also super low although that girl was no better than me in terms of looks. I went all out to make him block and delete her number but she still contacted him at 2am in the morning once. I was pissed off but held it back while he acted like she rang the wrong number. I know he tried but I was already in a big rut and could no longer trust him. So one day, I made up my mind and left him.
Yours is a different situation, you are married to your husband. People do deserve second chances especially if they recognise their faults and want to make amends but you need to know that in the event that he turns back to her again, you have to step up and decide whether you want to forgive him again or leave him. It is a tough choice but whatever decision you make only you will know.
Go for a counselling session first to sort out your emotions then see how to move on from there to salvage the relationship and marriage.
Thanks for sharing your story. Indeed, once broken, its difficult to trust again.. Sometimes, i felt useless. Always thought i am an independent woman and do not need to depend on a man.. My dad was an absent father and that had sort of impacted me since childhood not to depend on a man. Thus, i always thought i will be coldhearted and will never forgive if my husband betray me. I even had discussions with my bffs about physical or emotional cheating.. Which is worse? In the end, my husband did both and i actually said i will forgive! Y?? This sorts of inbalances me.. What happened to my strength and confidence? His betrayal crushed me.. More that i know.. Feeling lousy and unsure of myself now.. Thanks for your advice. I will be more proactive to seek profesional help.
I just find it so hard to believe someone whom you love and trust so much can just betray so easily, me and my husband were together for more than a decade and we recently got married. i checked his phone 1 night, and saw the messages... he even flew over to look for her... i went crazy and he told me to go sleep first as it was 4am and we will talk again in the morning .. when we woke he just told me he dont love me anymore and this is not the life that he wants.. we dont have the sparks anymore.. i was like WOW it was as if i was the one who cheated and this happens 2 months after our marriage.. then for the next few days i fought very hard to save this marriage even though i have many many reasons not to ... he will say very nasty things to me everyday wanting to end the marriage. Was about the 4th or 5th day when he suddenly told me he was wrong about everything blah blah blah those apologies blah blah blah dont want to talk about it anymore.. past is past.
Very nice of him to say oh past is past lets forget about it. You had fun with her?me? during that period of time i was treated like trash.
Very nice of him to say oh past is past lets forget about it. You had fun with her?me? during that period of time i was treated like trash.
This is so terrible! How could he?? Still ask u to sleep first? This is something i cannot understand.. When such things happen, how to they expect us to sleep?? I totally can feel u!! What no more sparks! My husband said he felt empty emotionally! Then why can change so fast?? Feeling very angry now.. Man n selfish reasons! Did you forgive and choose to stay in the end?
He said i took him for granted...er... then tell me ??? dont have to go and find some foreign slut just to prove that what.. forgive... but heart cannot forgive leh.. its been 4 months already.. i always think alot when im alone.. always want to leave him but.. in the end also never do it.
Now we quarrel very very often but mostly cause of petty things and i like to overthink, dig out past and say.. but he comes home straight after work now and just spends ALL his time playing games which im super pissed cause he doesnt do anything .. but then i try to think abit more positive is that at least he is home playing games then being outside? ...
Hais ...
Now we quarrel very very often but mostly cause of petty things and i like to overthink, dig out past and say.. but he comes home straight after work now and just spends ALL his time playing games which im super pissed cause he doesnt do anything .. but then i try to think abit more positive is that at least he is home playing games then being outside? ...
Hais ...
newproject
Active Member
Sad. Probably got dumped rejected by that slut.
He very good at blaming the victim hor say you take him for granted.
Ya..i was brutally told in my face that our rs have cracks.. N he n bitch are just 2 lonely people comforting each other..i saw his messages to her when we are in cold war; he told her he needs her..more than before ..n ask her if she will accompany him..to the next hotel..i think.. She has magically skills that made me forget problems...How can errand husbands expect their wives to just move on..past is past, forget n move on with life? Thoughts like this haunt me every single day.. Felt i can never recover from this but yet i hv to move on... Kids... Or rather fear that i cant take care of them alone..
wluyan
Member
we had been together for half of our lives and i never have doubts of him. he was such a good man in front of everyone . even when he was overseas, he would say he was having meetings , exhibitions or talking to people work related. I was stupid to believe him. the years together made me stupid to trust him blindly . until the girl called. she scolded me, hurled lots of vulgarities at me. i even asked her if she got the right number and person. the initial feeling was shock, sadness and anger . angry not with her, but him. he betrayed my trust. someone i had loved and cared for deeply.
Ah? Called and scolded u? U meant he was married but still get together with u? Was he a cheater to start with?
buddhabar
Active Member
"While he takes it so lightly after 'enjoying' that affair, i had to just close the chapter.. Heartpain, injustice and anger"
Why don't lie to him and tell him you had a ONS over the weekend. Apologies and explain you did it because you were upset and you are absolutely sorry and had regretted over it. Then proceed to tell him " we can close this and move on rite"
Why don't lie to him and tell him you had a ONS over the weekend. Apologies and explain you did it because you were upset and you are absolutely sorry and had regretted over it. Then proceed to tell him " we can close this and move on rite"
Hi so you decide to stay? I think men who got exposed and react in this manner, ask you to go sleep first then next day accused you without remorse is not worth to keep. If you dont have children yet, please leave. If he is not cherishing you now when you are young, why would he cherish you when you are older and tied down with kids? His words and actions after discovery tells me that his love for you is selfish.
How did he end the relationship with the girl? Do you think he is really remorseful or he comes back to you because things between him and the girl turns sour or the girl dont want him back? End of the day, he cheated. The problem lies with him, not the girl, especially if she was being lied to also. I think you need to protect yourself. Observe him more and dont ever quit your job or have children now. If he shows signs that he might repeat, you better leave to save yourself from future misery and trouble.
Anyway sometimes guys just doesnt want to talk about it and move on to avoid negative situations but they dont understand this doesnt heal the betrayed spouse. You might want to read up or attend counselling if it is always bothering you. I read a lot from goasksuzie.com
So she must have thought that you are another girl who is trying to steal her potential customers? Only to realised that you are the wife? End of the day, sigh, its our husbands who chose to get hooked and live with no integrity and hurt us. So many thais are here as prostitutes and work in thai bars, good money for them. But again, my husband is a disappointment to want to get hooked, makes him look so ugly and uncharismatic.
Since you dont have children, you might want to give yourself some time to heal, let the sadness pass and then maybe decide whether you really want to set up a family with him. Personally, i would leave if i have no children.
It has been a year since the last post. Is there any success stories to share that the betrayed spouse had overcome the emotion, hurt, heart pain, anger, bitter... and etc ? How's the marriage now? Is it stronger than before?
Please share ... we need some encouragements here. Thanks
Please share ... we need some encouragements here. Thanks
If he doesn't fool around with woman now, then he has keeps his promise to you. When you think back the incident happened last year and you don't feel heart pain then you are healed. But if you still feel bitter then i think it is tough to stay on with him for the rest of your life.
Hope he is not fooling outside anymore? Are you stil watching him? Since you have no kids, please take longer to observe before you ever commit to one.
Mine is one year 7 months already. Not as much pain as before. Bitter on and off still Yes. Actually we won't know its happy story from now on cos they can still stray after like 8 or even 10 years. So I can only say, my story, yah is kinda peaceful and considered happy at the moment. Not sure about future but I elll take precaution.
Wa... exactly the same as how im feeling now.
sigh..
but i've learned to love myself more now and not always putting him first in my life already.
The only advice that I confirm will never go wrong And no one will ever contest is, to save more money for yourself And love yourself more. I just watched a talkshow from channel u And they were talking about massage parlours and prostitution in Singapore. Many uncles visit those prostitutes And even arrange sex tours to nearby countries. It's like a hobby And past time for them cos they have nothin to do after children grown up and their sex life with Wife is of cos, not existence or too boring for them already. So the people were debating whether it's right or it's wrong for uncles to seek sex outside after they retire etc.
The counsellors and Doctors who were interviewed said that uncles who did that have different reasons. Some are neglected by family, some don't have sex life with their wives but a lot who visited pros are those who has been visiting since young and it is a habit or an addiction. I have kids, I can't just leave a marriage right away without preparation. I admitted I neglected my hubby's needs and I don't think I give him priority before me or my kids, before I discover he strayed. But even so, this doesn't stop me from constantly pondering divorcing as I also loose quite a lot of sparks with him And there's v little admiration left, although I still give him the respect as he did show remorse.
I don't know how others think, but if I m without kids, I will definitely leave a person who cheated because I really can't convince myself that a person who cheated when he was young, will never stray again when they were older and the sparks between a couple will only be lesser but a man's sex drive can last very Long and the "newness" from another woman will always be appealing to them. If a child comes along, it's usually the Mother who will be the busiest And most occupied with the caring, all the more the guy will have lotsa opportunity to go out without the Wife having the free time to check on him. No point creating a young life with a man proven to lie so much and doesn't have the conscience not to cheat.
May i ask if your husbands are now more attentive? more loving? and trying to make things work? sending you mushy texts randomly?
My husband didnt cheat physically (not that i know anyway) but cheated emotionally, going on wechat and telling girls all sorts of nonsense and but i found out. Also with his ex classmates. When i found out he tried to lie and lie. I even showed him proof but he bascially told me that my eyes are lying to me!!! LOL
worse is, i have no trust in him anymore he doesnt try to "woo" me back. Everyday is the same, we hardly talk. its all superficial now. oh he didnt even said sorry! always playing the victim
My husband didnt cheat physically (not that i know anyway) but cheated emotionally, going on wechat and telling girls all sorts of nonsense and but i found out. Also with his ex classmates. When i found out he tried to lie and lie. I even showed him proof but he bascially told me that my eyes are lying to me!!! LOL
worse is, i have no trust in him anymore he doesnt try to "woo" me back. Everyday is the same, we hardly talk. its all superficial now. oh he didnt even said sorry! always playing the victim
Hi serene,
My case I won't say he is doing all those now cos even when he strayed, he didn't treat me badly.he was still quite concern about me and Even help with housework and kid etc. Yes he was more distracted and maybe a little less patient with me as compared to Pak tor days but generally he was still a good hubby even when he strayed, before I found out. After I found that, I would say the difference is that he gave up on freedom. And of course he admitted and he apologised too.
Your case your hubby didn't apologise and still denying, he will definitely do it again. It's time to start thinking Or planning your future. Even my hubby case, I still won't say I am convinced he definitely won't do again.
I am in the same boat. Now seems like everything back to normal. The difference is i am not the same me anymore. I will love myself more & will spend his credit card more than before. And will be more alert and not taking him for granted.
Nobody knows the future. Just have to keep my fingers cross. Sigh...
This morning during our normal chatting about marriage & relationship, my husband asked me "why man cannot have more than one wife? If within his financial capability, is it good that the man can take care & support more woman? Last time man can have more than one wife, right ? " @_@
By the same token, why woman cannot have more than 1 husband? Is man willing to accept his wife sleeping with other man, other than him?
I don't know what's your story like. But, if your hubby ever betrayed And till now he still think that it's ok that man has more than one Wife as Long as he financially can afford it, I highly likely think that as Long as he has the money, he will find opportunity to keep a Mistress in future. Beware of one person's thoughts, because thoughts often leads to actions. Not sure if you have children, but if I am in your shoe, I probably wouldn't waste my time guarding or keeping my fingers crossed. For we can't force a person to think like us Nor do what we want them to do, it's very tiring keeping watch on someone or a spouse, if I sense non remorse or real repentance, I can almost 99 percent be sure that this guy will do it again when the coast is clear. Life shouldn't be that stressful keeping watch of spouse and this is not what a marriage should be like. Hope you don't have any children with him yet
By the way, this is not the old generation where it's the man supporting the Wife and they think their money is very big. So much so that enough money to support Two wives nothing wrong. Housework is also work but with no income, so it's not him supporting his Wife unless the Wife don't even do housework at all. It's both person doing different things to maintain the household so his pay by right, should also be your pay. Worse still, if you are also working, what makes him think that just because he has extra he can have more than one Wife? Then might as well don't get married and don't say the marriage vows, might as well have open relationship. What kind of values he want to pass down to his children?
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arsenal_84
Member
it would be good to remind him that the WC in sg will drain him dry.
if money too much, learn to do some charity and build some good vibes for future generations.
What is WC?
arsenal_84
Member
He didn't think that he has broken his marriage vows "...to have and to hold from this day forward,
for better, for worse,
for richer, for poorer,
in sickness and in health,
to love and to cherish,
until we are parted by death" ... He still love me and will take care of me until death...
for better, for worse,
for richer, for poorer,
in sickness and in health,
to love and to cherish,
until we are parted by death" ... He still love me and will take care of me until death...
He even given me an example that he loves his 2 children equally. At that time when he loves her he didn't love me any lesser. It cannot be calculated like maths 40/60 %.
Well i almost vomit blood when i heard this. I feel that he thinks the problem lies with me. I am selfish & jealous that I cannot share him with another woman.
Well i almost vomit blood when i heard this. I feel that he thinks the problem lies with me. I am selfish & jealous that I cannot share him with another woman.
SingleGal
New Member
I can feel your pain and frustration. Perhaps can share with him what faithfulness is about. A man who loves his family must never bring hurt to his wife and children. Be strong. I hope your hubby sees the folly of his ways.He even given me an example that he loves his 2 children equally. At that time when he loves her he didn't love me any lesser. It cannot be calculated like maths 40/60 %.
Well i almost vomit blood when i heard this. I feel that he thinks the problem lies with me. I am selfish & jealous that I cannot share him with another woman.
He even given me an example that he loves his 2 children equally. At that time when he loves her he didn't love me any lesser. It cannot be calculated like maths 40/60 %.
Well i almost vomit blood when i heard this. I feel that he thinks the problem lies with me. I am selfish & jealous that I cannot share him with another woman.
Wah.. is he for real? say that to you???