Advice on regaining trust

[lisara]

My boyfriend has more female friends than male friends and I've been fine with this. But there is one of his female friend that I don't quite like. I feel she is over-stepping the boundary of 'just friends'. But yet he treats her the best of all his female friends and would defend her when I challenge him about this fact.

Recently I found out that they have been communicating a lot and have also meet up a few times. My boyfriend kept all these from me until I happened to find out. When I asked my boyfriend why he didn't tell me like he would if it was other female friends, he said he knew I won't like it and he rather save the trouble of explaining because there is nothing to explain. He also want to save seeing me upset coz when this person is brought up we would quarrel.

I feel him hiding these from me is making me feel worse and even hate this female friend more even if there is nothing going on.

I'm trying to be cool about him and her talking or meeting, but how can I also have my boyfriend not hide these things behind my back so that we can gain each other's trust?

 

[jojo28]

Hi Liza,

I think you should have a good talk with him. Tell him that you are prefectly fine with him meeting up with her, just that you are too concern on this issue. Tell him that basically you just want to know what is happening in his life.

Most guys are like that. They would rather save the explaining and hide thing. It does not happened on to your bf. But if the girl are prefectly fine after they tell her, i believe they wont hide anything at all.

But then again,, your bf dont seem to be automatic...

 

[lisara]

Thank you snowy, I want to have a good talk with him too but it seems he does not want to talk about it. Should I wait for him to bring it up? I think I will let this recent episode cool down first before trying to talk to him again.

You are right about just wanting to know what is happening in his life. And if he can tell me anything, why hide everything about this female only? Then it will make me wonder and imagine more.

I just wonder if he will ever tell me anything about her.

 

[jojo28]

Lisa, i feel that he will not tell you anything about her. Unless u make it clear that you wont make a big fuss if he choose to meet her

If , u complain again about him , meeting her, i am afrad he will complain and argue with you over this and keep numb again..

For me , My jealousy tend to be stronger and higher m and i always remind to keep cool and tell myself they are mearly friends. I know what and how u are thinking , imgaine here and there, thinking friends might bossom into lovers, but u cant do anything to stop him. if he is determined to do it, no matter how, u cant say much..

Most of the break up lead mainly lack of trust, lack of security/ assurance . But then again, it takes 2 hands to clap

Keep cool first and observe. Keep to normal self, don probe and ask, and if this keep carrying on, u have to decide what are the next steps. Gain back the trust slowly if u think he is the one for you.

 

[jojo28]

Lisa, u got to ask yourself if u really will quarrel with him , if this girl is mentioned. i can feel how you feel , cos my experience is there. whenver my ex bf 's colleague is being brought up, i will think and imagine..

Haiz.. In the end, i cant gain back the trust. Again, trust take years to build but seconds to break it..

 

[lisara]

Thank you snowy for your insights. Sometimes I ask myself why am I so insecure about this female friend. Why only her? I don't have an answer for myself... just a 'feeling' she is the kind who is not respectful that a guy is attached. She is attached herself by the way... and she would pour out her woes to my boyfriend, even to the intimate details between her and her man... which I also don't like.

I need to also remind myself to keep cool... and even when I think I am doing well keeping cool, but because it is already become a 'sensitive' topic, so my boyfriend will be even more sensitive in picking up each and every of my reaction when talking about her.

Maybe as you said, I will keep cool and observe... don't ask... even if I think they are talking to each other, meeting with each other. Hopefully slowly time will tell and show to my boyfriend I am fine and will not kick up a fuss about her... I can only change myself... not change him. So hopefully the change in me will allow him to be back to his normal self of sharing information with me.

Somehow the not knowing is eating me inside...

 

[powder]

Lisa,

u have to define "I feel she is over-stepping the boundary of 'just friends'."

 

[lisara]

powder, I know this 'just friends' definition can vary from person to person. Some people will think it's normal and ok for female friends to be extra friendly (hug, wrap arms around neck, call each other darling, dear, etc) with platonic male friends. But some other people's threshold is lower.

I happen to fall into the latter category. I find if the guy is also not attached, then it is not so bad. But if the guy is attached, then females should be more respectful of the guy's girlfriend/wife.

For my case, also because my boyfriend knows this female friend before we got together, so this behaviour of her is normal for my boyfriend and he doesn't think he need to tell her to change. Plus he thinks she is attached too I should not worry about how she treats him.

 

[powder]

so the overstepping part is "hug, wrap arms around neck, call each other darling, dear, etc" ?

 

[jojo28]

Yeah. lisa. totally know how you feel.. My ex bf colleague was married but undergoing divorce case. But because they are colleague and they know one another before i get to my ex.. Further more, this colleague of him is so much suitable , matching with him, in terms of height, everything..

After all, realised it is about the inferiority of yourself subconsiously..

Be yourself, u don ned to change i feel, your bf got to respect you and now, what u can do is observe.

 

[jojo28]

Powder- What is your views on this?

Catching them on the bed, flinging around.. ?

 

[lisara]

powder, yes, for me, hugging, wrapping arms around neck, calling each other darling, dear are all overstepping.

snowy, thanks for your advice. I actually feel sort of normal to know at least someone else out there understands how I'm feeling... I'll observe and keep cool... thank you.

 

[powder]

jojo, that's not fair rite? why u assume it will end in bed or flings simply becos the frenship is abit more physical by nature?

my view is Not Impt if u decide that they are gonna end up in bed...

u and me will have frens from the opposite gender... honestly if we wanted to have a with them, it would have happened before knowing our current partners...

i'm just trying to establish what it means by "overstepping"... why should i assume that TS are always right in their views? besides, i'm from a hugging environment, whether it's my auntie, my SIL, my cousins or nieces... we hug the men and kiss the girls... this extends to some of my frenships with ladies...

i'm definitely not gonna stop hugging n kissing simply becos my gfren or wife has a problem with it (when the men in my family hug or kiss my ex-gfrens/wife... actually they all felt Nice n Warm, even a conservative like my mother is used to it)... and if my Partner hates it so much, then she doesn't have to know rite? neither should she ask if she can't stand it... the problem is Hers... if she has no problems seeing it happen on tv, in movies... why should she have a problem in real life?

anyway, if i have been hugging my frens since we were kids... Why should it bother me that their husbands Mind??? and why should i be bothered with a narrow-minded husband?

 

[powder]

Lisa,

i guess u know the answers to your question. and the only trust that's been broken so far - is U breaking your own and trying to regain it... if he has been having such a buddy, the only thing that makes it 'wrong' to u - is that she's a lady.

And pls... it's nothing to do with jojo understanding u... it's everything to do with both of u having equally low threshold and narrow minds...

u might like to hug each other then... but i have issues with strangers hugging, i would accuse both of u of being lesbians...

 

[lisara]

powder, as I mentioned in my earlier post, the overstepping 'just friends' definition vary from person to person. And you and I have different definitions, definiely.

I guess the regaining trust part is 2-fold: (1) for my boyfriend to trust that I won't kick up a fuss if he shared the information with me, and (2) for me to trust that he won't be lying or hiding information from me.

But for (1), if he didn't share the information with me, he will never know that I am already done with kicking up a fuss, and that I am now cool about it all. So I guess that's why snowy said to keep cool and observe.

 

[powder]

yup, my intention was Solely to determine your definitions n threashold...

snowy was trying to be smart and impose a negative implication to it by saying "Catching them on the bed, flinging around.. ?" she wanted to justify something that favours her views... without me even taking any sides... but simply asking some questions...

do u think she was really asking for my views?

anyway good enough, i know u have a low threashold, whilst your bfren is basically doing the same thing he has been doing with his fren - being close frens.

 

[jojo28]

ai ya powder, U are sensative la.. I am just asking what is your view on this by meaning " over stepping" .

of cos , everybody has their views on different issue, Let's put it this way.. U come from a hugging enviroments

but TS may come from a different back ground.

Or rather put it this way, TS may be ok with it with friend, but maybe, with the bf, she kinda feel uncomfortable, jealously overcome.. Come on, girls are very emotional one ma..

What TS wants are sharing all the ups and downs with her bf, wanting to share the life together, i believe.. Now it is not that TS wants to find fault but to gain trust in her bf and support from us , be a listening ear

 

[jojo28]

hey hey, i am not acting smart. Anyway,if u think that way, let it be hor..

If i wasnt asking for your views , do you think i will ask you?

Haiz, this forum is always shooting one another. different views. Different interpretation.

 

[lisara]

snowy, appreciate your listening ear... thank you.

powder, so you say it's good enough for you to know that i have a low threshold. But your comments really do nothing constructive for me because I already know I have low threshold. But thanks for pointing that out again.

 

[powder]

Lisa,

knowing u have a low threshold Means u know it is BELOW the norm. that realisation in itself should Help.

the biggest help to u is for u to know where u stand... and if u're being unreasonable in the first place...

if u expect him to change, good luck with the advice u're expecting.

 

[powder]

snowy,

what trust is there to regain in the first place, when the guy didn't exactly betray u in any way? if u dun realise that u're placing them guilty until proven innocent, instead of innocent until proven guilty, then what argument would there be in the first place?

what steps is there to take other than having the bf treat his frens the way u WANT, instead of the way he has always been treating them? Why should the world change for your presence simply becos u appeared?

so basically just talk to bfren abt Changing how he treats his frens AFTER he gets attached to YOU... and see if he's ok with that.

and sometimes u wonder Why frens change after they are attached... it's becos they are attached to pple with Low Threshold but prefers the world to change to acclimatise to their low threshold, instead of knowing it's they themselves - and working on themselves...

and they tell me it's Not Constructive... go figure...

 

[powder]

Lisa,

aren't u as good as saying, "i'm like that one" and then u fold your arms and expect pple to change.

your actions are not constructive either... if u realise.

 

[miloice]

Lisa, good that you know your low threshold. Next, does your bf agree with it and acceptable to it? This is a very key point you need to figure out. Else, you will be struggling with it throughout your relationship.

Its like buying apples when you clearly need oranges. No matter how much effort you put in and endure how much frustration, your apples will not become oranges. And it aren't because apples are bad fruits. Its simply not what you need or want. Figure that out. It would be much more constructive towards your relationship.

Either you learn to also appreciate apples or go find your orange.

 

[lisara]

powder, first, I think I already admitted and realised I had low threshold. And I'm trying to work on that.

Second, I am not expecting pple or my boyfriend to change. In my earlier post, I said "I can only change myself... not change him. So hopefully the change in me will allow him to be back to his normal self of sharing information with me."

I guess what is bugging me now is the fact that because he is not willing to share with me any information that involves her, he isn't giving me the chance to prove that I'm actually capable of being cool with their contact and meetup.

Maybe only time will allow me to prove myself.

 

[miloice]

hi Lisa, a person's natural reactions are very much linked with the perception. These perception doesn't change overnight. If you have shown to be insecure, not trusting all these while, all the more it will make him want to avoid informing you anything about his friend.

React less, if you want to allow him to feel comfortable again about revealing anything to you.

 

[powder]

well i guess the next hurdle is actually how to tell him that u know that they've been communicating alot, of cos afterwhich u will have to find an entry-point within your next heart-to-heart talk - to poach this topic, that's where u have to establish the new grounds which u are trying to.

trust isn't a turn on/turn off thing... u will tell pple u trust that "i trust u", but u will almost never tell pple u dun trust that "i dun trust u"... cos the phrase itself is quite painful to hear.

if some past issues has caused him to lose faith, the element of Time must be introduced as well... start by telling him u realise this low threshold of yours, at least that opens u up to vulnerability - which shows that u trust him to share This vulnerability...

it's reciprocal as well rite? so if he is a clam, u'll have to open yourself up first...

 

[lisara]

milo and powder, thank you for your inputs. I will work on myself...

 

[miloice]

if you are finding it hard not to react, take time off. Take deep breaths and do whatever to remain composed. When you are calmed down, you will be able to communicate more clearly and less emotionally. Naturally, that would be less confrontal and aggressive.

 

[powder]

btw i dun mean to be rude to anyone, but i often find that the approach to any problems - has to start with Self first... if we are blind to our faults or weaknesses, we would never have a strong base to solve any problems...

 

[elizann]

Lisa, trust is very important in a relationship. Glad to know that you are working on yourself. Don't worry, with time and with your new behavior, your bf will trust you again and start to tell you things once he has noticed the change.

 

[mr_homelook_er]

trust is hard to build and maintain. successfully do this, and all will be great. remember that happiness is the main objective. if that is not gonna happen, then clearly, u have to move to something better