Advice Needed

[brokentree]

My bf and I are supposed to get married in a couple of months. However, recently I found out he hadn't saved for the flat we were supposed to get. I felt very let down cos he told me he had been saving. So no choice, got to live at his current house. In the time leading to the wedding, we had several quarrels cos we have problems with communication (tend to misunderstand/ misread each other, etc), and different mentality towards finances.

I feel his lack of drive to save shows a lack of responsibility and maturity. I know I should trust him (and I'm working hard on doing so) but it's hard to cos of his track record and to be completely honest, I am terrified that he will find excuses again not to save after marriage even though he seems sincere to do so now.

Now he tells me he wants to make things right and wants to postpone the wedding to next year so he can have time to prove to me he will be mature and responsible and he will repropose to me cos the first proposal was (to me) tasteless and insincere (I can't get into the M18 details here). And anyhow, that's not as important as the bigger issues such as maturity and responsibility.

He says we can take the time to work on our issues and see if we meet each other's expectations. I feel that if that truly is the case, then we shouldn't fix a date for the wedding cos it just seems silly to give ourselves a deadline to resolve all issues. Shouldn't we set a date only when we feel major issues have been resolved?

Anyhow, I feel exhausted from our yes-no-yes-no roller coaster. Honestly, I am not sure if I want to get married or have kids anymore if we postpone. I'm really not trying to pressurize him into marrying me in a few months, but I just find that as I get older (I'm in my 30s, as is he), marriage and children no longer feel as important to me as before. I have kinda lost the enthusiasm for it. But when I agreed to marry him last time, I was still excited about it and since I've committed to marrying him, I wanted to honor my word.

So if this "extra time" happens, I may just decide this doesn't work and go our separate ways. The possibility of not marrying me ever (whether I stay in a relationship with him or not), I know, is a bit pressurizing on him so he has second thoughts about postponing.

He also sees that postponing the wedding would make me sian (a lot of prep work done, already mentally prepared...) so he says never mind we will just proceed with the wedding. I, on the other hand, now feel very iffy about getting married to someone I know is simply not ready to get married a couple of months. It just doesn't feel right. I know his intentions are good to postpone and while we're both trying to accommodate to each other, we just can't seem to agree on what to do.

 

[yokonoriko]

Broken,
Ask urself do u really love him. Are u willing to sacrifice for him willingly? Right now u have no children, how abt later?? when u have kids, and he still coninue his ways. Can u take it? Or never mind divorce later, then how abt ur kids? Will it be good for them to grow up in a broken family? Once u sign the papers, that it. There are alot of things to think abt. Write down the pros and cons. Analysis.Just a little advice. EVerybody inc me are still learning.

 

[brokentree]

Actually we did come together to do a pros and cons list. But it's such a difficult decision to make. Sigh.

There is no way I'm having kids with him if he continues to not commit to saving. He's good with committing to personal commitments such as bills and cars, but he's not used to saving a percentage of his pay cheque. I thought the past few years he would have gotten used to it but apparently not. Dunno why he feels he can suddenly change his mentality.

 

[baby_lonblue]

broken,

i can sincerely feel for you as i have been through a similar situation b4 few years back.

3 years ago, my bf and i hold a engagement dinner then wanted to ROM like 6 months later.
All e paperwork done, but 1 month b4 the ROM date, he told me from overseas that he wanted to postpone as he felt he wasnt ready for marriage at that stage as at that moment, his state of mind is all about concentrating to make money from his work and investment.
we are also both approaching our mid-late 30s

we broke up after that but after 6 months, we start to stay in touch as friends since he is in overseas, we dun c each other

to cut the story short, many things happen to his life during these 3 years and he been through the lowest point of his life with alot of setbacks etc...now he is much more mature and responsible person as what i can c.

In your case, dun get marry if you dun feel comfortable about the whole thing. For me, that time i felt v sore over it but now i feel it could be a blessing in disguise as i think most prob we would have gotten divorce if we proceed 3 years ago as both our mind not that stable and prepared yet to establish a lifetime marriage together.

Sit down and evaluate most importantly is if you really love him or is you just wanna b married

if u are not sure , give him time

it may turn out to be a much better decision at the later stage of your life

good luck !