advice needed

[purp1ez]

hi all,

i was trying to find out more on divorce matters and stumble upon this forum..

we have been married for 3 years, and just had a 5 months old son. but in recently months we are constantly having argument and last night it escalate to a huge argument that he almost hit me- he grabbed my hands and shouted that he wants me to fear him. in our quarrel, he also mentioned to divorce. my husband has an anger management problem, when he flares- he does goes mad. last night has made me worried and i'm still quite traumatized of what had happened. since he made the call to divorce (i'm not sure if that's just in a heated argument but for me I'll never bring that word until its ultimatum), i have thought it through and i think i have reach my limit as well. I'm getting really stress to be in this relationship. But I felt really sorry for my son to suffer in a broken family. I know my husband loves our son a lot but I don't think its a right environment for him to be in with our constant quarrels. I'm thinking if I should go for marriage counseling but yet i'm skeptical and quite sure he wouldn't be bother to attend.

anyway i was really upset last night so I made a call to one of our friend and told him what had happened. he tried to calm me down and told me that when someone is in an heated argument they would just flare out and most of it are not meant on what he had said cause guys being mcp they just want to win. I'm quite sure the argument that we had last night will not resolve until I gave in and apologized. And whats worst is that if I decide not to talk for days, he will be get pissed off and the cycle of argument continues..

 

[gladjo]

Purp1ez

One thing is guys with their big ego will not attend counselling though a small percentage will n even if they do attend ..its for only a few sessions.

Why hadnt you make a police report ? Or waiting for him to change ? He cant, gal n pls dont wait u get hit blue black then u take action.

If u dun know, pm me ... in family court, violence is not tolerated...even if its verbage.

 

[purp1ez]

hi gladjo, thanks for replying. i didnt thought of making a police report as it didnt came across my mind.

I have a 5 months old son and it will be really sad if my son doesn't have a father. I'm really at lost of what i should do next.

 

[Infernolord]

Purp1ez

One thing is guys with their big ego will not attend counselling though a small percentage will n even if they do attend ..its for only a few sessions.

Why hadnt you make a police report ? Or waiting for him to change ? He cant, gal n pls dont wait u get hit blue black then u take action.

If u dun know, pm me ... in family court, violence is not tolerated...even if its verbage.

U dun hv to keep resorting to law whenever someone ask for an opinion. Seriously by going to law court is the last thing in a rs.
Not only it will turn nasty.. it will break down the trust issues.

TS - U been married for 3 years and u mentioned that only in recent months, you two starts have more quarrels. Please correct if i am wrong ?

If that the case, i think he was in a heat of a moment. He almost hit you, but did he really hit you?
Yesh Ego is one big issue. Have you though of your own tone when talking to him. Are you very harsh when replying him too? It will aggravate into anger.
(I'm quite sure the argument that we had last night will not resolve until I gave in and apologized.) Is this ego too?

Frankly speaking, when both are heat of the moment, all nasty words will be heard.
I do wonder if you give in to him 1st, then explain later in a nice way.. Do you think he will resort into violence? (past 3yrs, is he so violent?)

Alot of things requires to compromise and talk it out slowly. I believe he might take you forgranted but does not mean he do not care about you and the family.
Do cool down and have a good chat with him.

 

[purp1ez]

hi infernolord, thanks for replying.

yep we do have quarrels on and off and its only in recent months after the baby is out we do get more arguments.
he did not hit me and yes my tone was harsh as well but it was hard for me to talk in a nicer way when hes making wrong assumption
he has anger management issue which makes me worried especially now having a baby.

i do feel that he is taking me for granted and the constant quarrels is taking a toll on me. we have tried talking it out but it always end up in heated argument.

i feel that someone needs to come into picture and neutralize the situation but him being so ego if I tell this to his mum or his friend he might just snap again..

 

[Staypositive]

Hi,perhaps you can get a family friend to talk to him? Anger mgmt issues need to be addressed fast,esp now when you just have a young child.if you are afraid he might snap becos of that,be prepared to leave ur home to stay with ur mum until things cool down.put it across straight in his face that you do not tolerate this behavior.change is hard but it can be done.if he really loves u,he will change for you.if you feel lost ,you may call any family service centre near u to seek advice and assistance.im sure the counsellors there are more than capable to help u.

 

[gladjo]

Always remenber...when there's outburst ...first thing to do ..pls call 999

You dont n soft hearted you will suffer.

 

[miloice]

hi all,

i was trying to find out more on divorce matters and stumble upon this forum..

we have been married for 3 years, and just had a 5 months old son. but in recently months we are constantly having argument and last night it escalate to a huge argument that he almost hit me- he grabbed my hands and shouted that he wants me to fear him. in our quarrel, he also mentioned to divorce. my husband has an anger management problem, when he flares- he does goes mad. last night has made me worried and i'm still quite traumatized of what had happened. since he made the call to divorce (i'm not sure if that's just in a heated argument but for me I'll never bring that word until its ultimatum), i have thought it through and i think i have reach my limit as well. I'm getting really stress to be in this relationship. But I felt really sorry for my son to suffer in a broken family. I know my husband loves our son a lot but I don't think its a right environment for him to be in with our constant quarrels. I'm thinking if I should go for marriage counseling but yet i'm skeptical and quite sure he wouldn't be bother to attend.

anyway i was really upset last night so I made a call to one of our friend and told him what had happened. he tried to calm me down and told me that when someone is in an heated argument they would just flare out and most of it are not meant on what he had said cause guys being mcp they just want to win. I'm quite sure the argument that we had last night will not resolve until I gave in and apologized. And whats worst is that if I decide not to talk for days, he will be get pissed off and the cycle of argument continues..

Both wife and myself are short fused. I dealt with my anger most of the time, almost always me giving in first. Doesn't matter on the pride because I know what's impt to me. Seen my parents fought all my life growing up. There was once, that I totally lost it, I smashed the table top glass with my favourite watch, a gift from her. She was shocked, as she had never seen me like this before. Things like this do happen. I do regret that incident a lot. It has not happen again. At that moment, I was actually rather depressed and stress up work and my mother health. I even thought of killing myself.

The reason of sharing, your friend is right that words said in anger should not be taken literally. However, when pride comes before the marriage and entire relationship, you are dealing with a childish overgrown boy. Have a heart to heart talk, don't let it escalate to another fight. If he is unable to listen, no matter what, you know what you are in for.

 

[miloice]

hi infernolord, thanks for replying.

yep we do have quarrels on and off and its only in recent months after the baby is out we do get more arguments.
he did not hit me and yes my tone was harsh as well but it was hard for me to talk in a nicer way when hes making wrong assumption
he has anger management issue which makes me worried especially now having a baby.

i do feel that he is taking me for granted and the constant quarrels is taking a toll on me. we have tried talking it out but it always end up in heated argument.

i feel that someone needs to come into picture and neutralize the situation but him being so ego if I tell this to his mum or his friend he might just snap again..

Very few people are able to speak with very nice tone and body language when they are totally angry and pissed. In fact, I'm afraid of people like this, these are the most dangerous sociopath and manipulators. This is something I remind us about all the time. That she will tell me straight my tone is bad and I don't denial it at all. Hers is probably bad too, its normal, couples fight. Don't have the expectation that all is lovey dovey during fights. If you guys are trigger easy, you will both snap fast. What's important is that both of you are on the page on understanding and completely honest about it. Give each other room to deal with it, talk later. Make good the fights, it can be lesson points for both of you to better understand and appreciate each other. There are couples that never fight, that is because they are non confrontal in nature. We cannot change our instincts, but we can learn to deal with it.

 

[purp1ez]

hi staypositive & miloice, thanks for replying and sharing! i felt much better and calm after reading all these replies, at least i get to voice out and not bottling up my feelings.

he has moved to the other room and slept for the past 2 nights. we haven't spoke to each other. im quite sure he being his usual self will not give in..

 

[miloice]

hi staypositive & miloice, thanks for replying and sharing! i felt much better and calm after reading all these replies, at least i get to voice out and not bottling up my feelings.

he has moved to the other room and slept for the past 2 nights. we haven't spoke to each other. im quite sure he being his usual self will not give in..

Who takes the first step isn't impt, what is impt is are you guys progressing forward. Is he reflective after you guys made up. It is a vicious cycle when there is no learning and progress. Both parties are not angels in a fight, pointless to dig. Rather, share on how hurtful things were, and how it could be better. It always take 2 to tango. Some guys have bigger and softer egos and needs more fanning of that pride before they can open up from their caves. At the end of the day, you have to reflect if you guys are really possible to be happy together or not. You live once only. Don't short change yourself.