A secret to shared !!!pls help!!!

B

blurrgal82

New Member
Hi everyone l had a secret to share with you all.I'm married for 4yrs,but during this 4 yrs my relationship started to strain due to too much arugment and qurrelwith my hb.We used to be very happy,but after marriage my hb started to change..he become very bad temper and often jobless, his job never last for 2yrs..he often get angry with me for no resason..l had to pay for all the household bills and even the grocreies every mths.he never pay a single cent at all.but l never complain at all.but l realy felt very upset and insecure..l bear all this inside my heart dun dare to tell him..he is very childish,when we had very bad argument l say l want to leave him he threathen me say he will commit sucide..or he wikll start to throw things or bang the door or wall until his hand bleed..l am very frighten of him when he do these ..made me hate him to core.And he is always not at home cause went out wiyh his friend..leaving me alone at home.l dun have alot of friends due to my job,so i always stay alone at nite lonely.last yrs l started to chat on line,and l get to know this guy "W".WE started with some friendly chat,l told him abt me and my job but never tell him l am married, but lrealy enjoy chatting with him.One day during his off day,he say he want to visit me at my work place and l agreed.l was so nervous that day,although l saw his pic b4 but still very nervous,so that day l keep looking outside to spot him,sooon in the noon time a guy walk in to my showroom..wow what a cute guy!!we were very shy cause we are both blushing ha ha!!we chat for a while ,he is realy a very nice guy soft spoken ,polite and wear a sweet smile..but later my customer came in so he say he made a move 1st and will call me tonight..at night he call me and ask m eweather want to meet for breakfast th enext day and l agreed l was so excited that night it feel like those teenage days again(l am 25 yr and he is 30)..so the nxt day e met for breakfast..after that we went for a walk and he start to hint me that he like me an dask me how l feel abt him..l dun dare to ans him..jus say let me consider 1st and he say ok..l know this is wrong but l do feel for him too ..haizzzz..that night he call me again,and ask the same qus,but l tell him let it be natural .a few day later we met agin for braekfast..at first he sit opp me but after he came from the wash room he sit beside me,it was like those sofa sit and he sit realy close to me.l can feel his arm touching mine!suddenly he start to grab my hand and tell me he realy like me alot and ask me to give him a chance,l can feel his sincer realy..and l agreed he was so happy and hug me tightly..later he went to work but come nad meet me at night near my work place..we walk back together to his home( his place is near my work place and l dun want him to send me home)we sit at a park hugging each other..suddenly he start to kiss me ,and l kiss him back oso we kiss so passionately until breathless..then i see the time was quite late and tell him l had to go home early to rush a project.( cause afraid my hb will suspect me for coming home late)but l realy can't bear to leave him..that day l went home l cried ..l felt gulity to this 2 men. W and l continued like this every night.one day we took off together l went to his home to meet him cause will go out in th afternoon.He is alone at home all the other had left for work already.we went to his bedrm and watch disc ..but shortly we started to kiss and end up l having sex with him..but l realy enjoy with him.( l seldom had sex with my husband)l realy very gulity to them ..l thinK l love him very deeply now.and l dun had any feeling for my hb ..what should do???
 


wow.. no matter how useless your hb is, I think you shouldn't commit adultery. You said you are very guilty and cry after kissing him but you didn't stop after that and went to the extend of having sex with him(it's kinda weird)
Are you sure that the 30yrs man is serious in the relationship? Does he know about your marriage status?
Anyway, Divorce ba (always jobless, bad temper, childish husband, extremely low EQ + you are only 25 and no longer love him).
Erm..your hb is horrible, I think you should divorce and be with that 30yrs man.
 
1stly...

u should not be married at all. This is because the both of you are NOT ready for it.

Why did you lie to this new guy too?

You are in the honeymoon period. You name me with one person that don't feel deeply in love like those teenage days during this period.

Does it guarantee that you will not have the same issues with your new spouse?

1stly, your husband mood is badly affected by his downhill career. He is incapable of coping with his frustration. This could happen to your new partner too. How would you cope with that then?

Secondly, if there isn't love left for your husband, please leave him.

Before marrying again, make sure you guys are mature and stable enough to go through adversities and realities in life together as lifetime partners. It is not happily ever after like in the korean dramas. Don't make the mistake twice. There will be low periods in life and there will be tears, hurts and arguments. Don't just blame it all on your partner. From you description, I see childishness in you. Work on the communication channels and make sure he can connect with you not just during sweet sweet honeymoon but being completely open about working things and sharing his inner thoughts with you.

For any marriage to last, you cannot depend on the honeymoon feelings that you are falling hopelessly for only. You must be realistic and ground to earth to work on the essential elements of a good marriage.
 
However, u must be sure the new guy can accept ur ' married' status, becoz he might leave u if he feels that u lied. Even if u divorce, u have to wait for 3 yrs. Hopefully, he will accept u. On ur marriage, ur husband seems to be ard ur age rite? He doesnt want to bring u out with his friends? If u feel, he's not taking responsibility in ur relationship, maybe suggest a separation and move out to ur parents. Its better to take one step at a time
 
Better get a divorce so yr new guy find u worth carry on r/s. I dont think it crossed his mind u married and he's actually a 3rd party!

A HB that does not provide and threatens is really not worth staying with. Furthermore, u dont hv kids so nothing to tie u down.

Shldnt hv got so close to another man since u r married. Who knows what yr HB will do if he finds out - beat him or threaten u with something else.
 
I dun wan to go out wif my hb caus they smoke n tot hokkien and alway at kopitim or pub veri noisy..l thiking of divore even b4 l known this guy,caus l know 1 day l will become 1 crazy woman if l still be with my hb..and this guy and had been together for 3mths liao..everyday l live in fear and guilt ,afraid to be seen by my hb or his friend and relative.And recently my hb and l is getting worse ..l think he got suspect something wrong wif me..now l alaways so happy when he say he want to go out with his friend..everyday when i see my hb or my bf l am very guilty duno how long we still can be together..my bf realy luv me alot noe..we almost see each other everyday ..after meeting him l had to take cab home without letting my bf or my hb know ( cause can reach hm faster den my husband wun know)lucky i stay quite near oso,other wise it could cost a bomb on the cab fare..how wat to do we r so in love now..but l realy dun mean to lied to him..l realy luv him alot now..till now he still dunno where is my home, but he got ask me who l stay with l bluff him say l stay with my room mate..not convient for him to come..haizzz...so sad and guilty everyday..
 
do you always rush into a relationship this fast? how much you know about your bf? what makes you think that you truly loves him and same for him, and its not a crush or just someone that let you forget your problem momentarily?

from your post, guess its not easy to tell your hb that you want a divorce, and who knows what he might do should he gets to know about your affair. but, if he is really such a lousy husband, childish, unstable income and needs the wife to maintain all the household expenses, then save yourself the agony, proceed to divorce, you are afterall still young.

thereafter, please learn from your painful lesson, never choose to be with someone before you really know what kind of person he is. dont behave like a foolish teenager in a crush thinking that you found your true love when you barely know the person.
 
tks cheeri..l know my mistake .but trust me l'm did not rush into a realationship..l know everything of my bf and l oso know all his family members quite well and he even ask me to marry him..which l am very happy but i dun dare to think of ..(l'm married ok)on the other hand my hb still did not found out abt this but we are seriously not like hb and wife anymore..he still jobless and stay at home like a lazy bum,while l had to work everyday ,go home had to do housechores buy dinner for him ,buy cigrettes for him..realy very shagged ..realy had to cried myself to sleep everynight..sometime l had to meet my bf after work but not for long time mayb 1 hr or 2 at most otherwise my hb will suspect me getting home late..l had to put my hp to slient mode when l at home..sometime my bf asked me y l alway never pick up the phone at nit.l had to bluff him say l'm too tired fall asleep liao ,lucky he understand and even tell me to take care of myself..haizz... whenever he tell me how he care 4 me or love me l am very gulity..dunno how.He is oso very protective abt me..sometime when some guy keep looking at me he will stared back at them(l am quite pretty de)and tell me to becareful when he is not around ha ha so cute rit?? l realy had to make up my mind and divorce wif my hb realy no feeling for him liao..l raely love my bf very much do u agreed with my decision??
 
blur,

I think the first thing u do is to tell your bf that you r married. If he can accept it and wait for you to divorce your hubby, why not...
 
blurrgal82,
it's urself not willing to join ur hb with his friends, so u can't pinpoint him that he leave u alone at home - that's unfair for him.

anyway, no more love for ur hb, better get separation or divorce.

Merely 3 mths, u know everything abt ur bf, his family members very well, n he proposed to u??? WOW!! 3 mths is still HM period, of cos u feel very loved.

u said u love him v much then shldn't u be honest to him abt ur marriage? how long do u want to hide this from him? i feel that u shld tell him abt ur marriage on the day when he confessed his love/proposed to u. wat will happen if he knows abt it later? u bear to see him disappointed n hurt? - i think he will be vvv disappointed to learn that and u were nv honest in the first place. be prepared.
 
choccandy
tks you for your suggestion..l know my bf will be vri sad if he found out that l am actually married and l lied to him..there is many time which l realy want to confussed to him .but l realy dun have the courage ..l dunno how will he react if he know the truth...l realy dun wan to lose him...
 
simple, then u shld really really tell him before both of u progress even further. He will definately be very sad, shocked etc. But at least it would be less painful rather than dragging it... Put urself in his shoes, and question urself what needs to be done
 
if your bf loves you, he will wait for you to divorce your hubby. Be strong and tell your bf the truth. it is a matter of time the truth will surface.
 
huh? what kind of logic is that? if her bf has any sense at all, he should collect her lying cheating ass and dump it out at loservile.
 
Honestly speaking, you are also facing alot of problem and pressure from your marriage but that doesnt give u the reason to stray. In the 1st place u already decided not to disclose your marital status when u meet that new guy in the chatline meaning u are mentally prepared to let go of your marriage. So the intention is clear. make a quick and clean one before further damage occur.
 
Ask you all 1 qus , how to do a divorce succssefully?? l dunno how to go abt it.. can anyone who had experience taech me?? tks you ..and how long it take the process?? and how much it cost to enage a lawyer??( cause Quite loh lang not much saving had to pay for so many things l onli earn $2k+ every mth.)
 
blurrblurr...

are you here for advise or consenses?

Frankly, u have not exhibit any maturity to manage the new relationship. You think that all the problems is from your husband. But this very man, you were so in love with him then. Think about it, why did you marry him? Then, what happened now?

Now think... how sure are you that history will not repeat itself. Stop jumping from one to another without even getting yourself sorted out. You claimed that you love your new bf so much. Then, stop doing things that you know will hurt him so badly. How would you like to be lied to from day 1?
 
but in the 1st place if my hb dun become like that we wun qurrel at all rit??is zit really my fault??is my hb making my life so miserable !!!l really feel like commiting sucide u know?? l dun mean to lied to my bf in the 1st place..seriously jus wan to chat wif some1 oli caus no friend to chat but duuno y become like that...u can say is love at first sight bah..i dun f*** around wif him ok.. mr alvin tan..we are really love each other vri much..he is the 1st guy l chat on line..jus too bad we oli able to know after l am married..mayb if u all know how i get married u all will understand better wat l mean..is jus another painful story haha!!
 
yes, you have a right to happiness but not at the expense of your husband or your boyfriend who are both in the dark about your doings. it is better to come clean now instead of dragging it any longer ..
 
blurrblurr,

You may not have meant to lie to your bf in the first place, but if you carry on, it is only going to reflect that 1) you are not trustworthy, and 2) you are a person who likes to enjoy the nice parts of life but is unwilling to take up the consequences of your own actions. Come clean to him. If he stays, good for you. If he leaves, then so be it. But to keep him in the dark because YOU are afraid that he will leave is selfish, because you're depriving him of the truth of the situation and the chance to make an informed decision. It's pretty unfair, isn't it?

I'm not too sure under what kinds of circumstances you were getting married under, or what your expectations of your married life were like prior to getting married, but if you thought that there would be no arguments at all, then that's pretty unrealistic. And it's a bit unreasonable to push all the blame on him, isn't it? Maybe you should examine how you've been handling the arguments. Have you been adding oil to the fire as well?

And quite honestly, if you feel like you want to kill yourself over your husband making your life miserable, by all means, go ahead! It's just that it's a bit silly to do so when you can still explore other less drastic and less dramatic options.
 
either way... the bf will be hurt..
shldnt even have lied in the first place.. but no point thinking of what shld have been done back then... like wad others had said, if he will wait for her, thats good.. if not... also no choice...

Love Betrayed: Few painful moments in life compare to the heartbreak of discovering that we have been betrayed by the ones we love. And sometimes how we find out is the worst part of the discovery.."
 
blurrblurr,

from what you have displayed so far in this thread is very consistent... it is clear that you lacked the maturity to handle conflict in a relationship. It takes 2 to clap. Be it love or quarrel.

You seem to think that you are completely blameless in all arguments you have with him. Do you always think and believe like this? MAYBE... I Said MAYBE... that is the reason why you guys quarrel this much.

You crave from the romance and honeymoon period and never understand what is really needed to keep that alive. How long did you date your husband before you marry him? It takes time to understand someone well to be able to cope with differences. No matter how in love a couple is, conflicts, arguments are bound to occur. Conflict is completely normal and in fact important to learn the differences.

If there is completely 0 conflict and friction, it only means either party have been cushioning it for the partner all the time. Life is no bed of roses.

Meng, there isn't really a choice. Its either A or B. Because she is married, that's a fact. Either he discovers it himself or she tells him.
Green is saying B might be higher chance than A that's all. You don't think so? Then, you think for him to discover it by himself, it would be the same or higher chance of forgiveness??? I don't get your point loh.
 
blurgal, whatever u have in mind...make it swift cos now there are 3 parties involved and your poor bf has subconsciously became a third party. Dont dilly dally too long cos the longer it drag the more complicated it will be.
 
u r only 25yrs old nw and u hv been married for 4 yrs? wat the hurry of marrying so young? is he ur life buoy to leave ur own family? or is it a shot gun marriage but later mayb bb was lost?

u barely noe ur bf for long and u bed him? sound too easy rite? u sound way too gullible or naive. in the first place u choose to hide the truth from ur bf so did u tink of the outcome if he happen to find out one day? wat abt his family, wat will they of u wen the truth is out one day? probably they will tink tat u r an easy woman who sleep ard. like tat u tink ur bf will still wan u and wan to marry u?

tink abt it.

also stop self pitying urself and push all fault to ur hb. in the first place, u hv choose to marry him regardless of watever reason. and pls put tings in the right track first.
 
bonnie, would you care to share why blublur and her husband are 'well-matched'? one liner really dont make sense until you elaborate further...
happy.gif
 
Latino, i think she means ''as silly'' or ''childish'' as him. As Blurblur is still married, she has committed adultery without even divorcing and she shd solve 1 problem at a time rather than complicate matters. Now she has 2 problems- How to divorce husband and How to tell bf the truth.
 
blurrblurr (blurrgal82), I do not think guys in those chat channels are that wonderful. No offense to those who engage in these activities.

Basically you are looking for a listening ear and you are helpless at that moment of time, and fortunately you have just found one. You should not be playing with fire and handling two intricate matters at a same time. I think you should really see a counselor about your problem.
 
Kinda remind me of my past r/s... i was the 3rd party at that time... My ex was like blur blur storyline... It was until she left her purse in my car and i drove all the way to her house then i discovered that she's married and with a kid.

By then she was on her way to her seperation and stuff. You can imagine the surprise and hurt i've got... All along i thought she's single, but we dated a couple of years after the incident b4 we broke up...

My advice to blur blur, if u really love your current bf, do the right thing. Better to let him know the truth now then later. Have a heart to heart talk w your husband, if all else fails then consider the divorce issue.

I hope you well, Cheers
 
No one wants to be get hurt. Even the husband really fark dup, or the boyfriend is very loving and caring towards you. Please think twice.
 
Anyway wats done has been done. Some guys can't even accept married women so even if u divorce ur husband, u might not be with the new guy beccoz he might feel betrayed. Therefore, let this new guy know ur situation 1st and at same time, if u feel that u can't communicate with ur husband and if he is emotionally unstable, move out to ur parents and divorce him.
 
blurblur, what makes you think your bf and you are so so so very in love??? it looks more like LUST and PASSION to me. your association with him is really short and prob still in honeymoon period.

you married your husband when you were just 21. now, after 4 years, no love already. depressed and lonely you then found a guy from chatline and now both of you claim you 'love' each other.

erm, you better think very very carefully. it's like 'out of the frying pan into the fire'.
 
and, may I remind you if you are going to continue with what you are doing, pls use effective contraceptions. you have already got 2 problems, dont add on further.
 
How about a possible version of the story from the husband pov :

I'm married for 4yrs, the relationship is strained because of a damn childish and non supportive spouse. It all started when I lost my job. It is the lowest period of my life. I go find my buddies to drink with me, she also not happy. She looks down on all my kakis and brothers for so many years as if she is so damn high class. These friends have been with me all the time. Now married, she wants to control and restrict even my social life because she herself got no friends. My friends are all worried for me. Only they understand me. The more she want to stop me, the more I want to do it.

Everyone thing that happens is also my fault. My fault that we argue, my fault that I lose my job, my fault that she is lonely at home. My fault for her having no friends. My fault that she must pay the bill.

I don't know what to do anymore. She rather spend time chatting online or talking on the phone. I can sense she is keeping things from me. What should I do?
 
to be fair, the hb has indeed an important part to play, he is already 30 but cannot hold any job for more than 2 years. Blurr is immature I agree, but she is not shifting all the blame to the hb else she wont be feeling guilty now.
 
no lah diana... I'm just making up.
What I'm pointing out is simply there are 2 sides of the story. Probably very different.
 
l know everybody now think l am a slut or bitch...but l realy dun wan thing to become like that de... l oso rely luv my hb in the past seriously...let me tell u all how we actually married..i know my hb 5yrs ago..at taht time l was still quite young ..i used to work in nit life trade,so i seldom hang around with my friend in the end lm had not many friend left..life is so boring everyday is work and go home no life at all,due to my work i dun have time to have a bf..but 1 day 1 recieved a call from a guy which is my hb. he say he got my no frm a friend and he ask me wether he can be friend with me and l agreed..so we started to chat omost everyday..and 1 day during my off day he suggest to meet up with me and l agreed..so he drive his bike and pick me at my place..woe when l saw him ,he is like a giant to me ..he is 1.83m 85kg me is oli 1.57m 40kg haha!! and the 1st thing he tell me when he saw me is l had very beautiful eyes( my bf oso say that when he 1st see me.)l was so shy dun even dare to look at him he know l was very shy and start teasing me...he took me for a spin and after we stop at east-coast for a rest..we tot till very late and l suggest to go home cause l know he had to wakek up early to work 2mor..so he send me home but b4 he go off he ask me wether we can procced any further..l reply him say l dunno and quicky went up ..tat nit l can't get to slp keep thinking of his qus...a week later a weekend we arrange to meet again after my work..caus the nxt day he is off..that day he bring me to airport to see planes very romantic rit?? we chat alot like long lost friend until 6am in the morning den he send me home again..again b4 l went up he asked me the same qus again and this time l agreed ..he was so happy that he sweep me off my feet and spin me around..l oso very happy that day caus l tot l found my true love liao.. b4 we met during our phone chat l know he had a few broken r/s in the past..like his gf ran away with another guy exc exc blah blah...(thinking back i think they might ran away becas of his bad temper bah like me...)l kind of pity him after hearing his sad story..and fine him quite a nice guy.that y wanted to try out wif him..because i normally off on sunday so every sat after my work he will bring me back to his home to stay over nit,and we will go out together on sunday and he send me back at monday moring b4 he went to work, quite shagged loh..but we were very happy that old days..after a few weeks l stay pernamently at his home everyday..he family memeber are very nice to me..and everyday after his work he will come back and send mr to work den go home agin had a nap till 1am and will come and fetch me back home ..and go work at 8 am the nxt day..l realy appreciate wat he done for me and realy luv my hb very much..he shared his rm wif his brother..during that time l staying at his place his brother is doing ns but now he completed and we find that is awaked to stay in the same room with his bro.l say l want to shift back to my own house and he agreed..and he continued to fetch me home at 2am after my work and went hime to slp agin..l very heartpain to see him like that everyday and tell not to come and fetch me cause l got company transport oso but he say he worried me cause my working enviroment quite complicated..and insist to send me home everyday..1 or 2mths later he tell me that he rely want to stay togethr wif me everyday and he suggest we rent a flat from hdb (caus cheaper) and l agreed..but 1 condition had to rom den u can apply for the flat..because l realy heartpain to see him so tired everyday l agreed to rom with him to apply the flat and stay together him..soon we rom and we stay together in our cosy 2Rm rented flat..everything is so nice and sweet..but not for long.one day he tell me he want to resign caus this the job he doing has no cpf and i support his decision..so he resigned not long..and l continued to work..after 2 mths he still had not fine a job.(or did he find or not??) caus he dun have income l pay for the rental , electric, 2 hps bill,cigrettes ..and oso his bike installment +petrol and groceries which cost ard $1600 every mths and l oli earn $2k+ l rely very worried how long l can surrport all these..i dun have momey to give my mun oso liao let alone buying thing for myself.. l am at home during the day time (caus l work in the evening..)l woke up at 12pm and l still him sleeping evryday till late afternoon(so how to look for a job??) everyday l buy newspaper for him he never even touch..so when after he send me to work in th eevening he will join his friend gethering at kopitiam or pub..and soon he dun even come fetch me home..sometime l reach hm 3am after work he still not home yet..haizzz ..so 1 day l asked him how did he manange to fine a job..he shout loudly at me say am l looking down on him now!!!i was so taken back and say l never ..l was oli cocerning 4 him and tell him what type of situlation we are in now..rely not enough$$ mah..jus hope he can quickly find a job and help out mah... am l in the wrong??? that day is the 1st time we ever qurrell and l was very sad tat day .. ( this is part 1 to be continue 2mor)
 
hi blurrblurr,

i don't think you are slutty or anything.

Rather, you are very very naive.

When you choose to marry him, you didn't even plan enough to know about the finances or the potential issues. A relationship and marriage needs more planning and commitment then just romance. When you talked about how romantic it is to see aeroplanes at the airport, frankly, I don't think its very romantic at all.

It is the case of romance in the eyes of the one in love. Its always the case. You still dun get it that romance & reality r often 2 separate things.

If u proceed with your 2nd relationship with the exact same way and same naive thinking, you will be disappointed again.

You kept asking, is your fault meh. Come on. you are an adult. You made the marriage vows with this man on your own freewill. There are responsibilities and consequence of every action. As an adult, you cannot say you don't know. You are no longer a small kid that when things happen, someone is there to cover and take the blame for you. It doesn't happen this way anymore. No one forces you to lie to your new bf. No one... it is you that did it.

Grow up lady.
 
One word Naive..

Please grown up. you can never push away all the responsibilities and blame. Always think if not because this or that then you will not did all this.

Learn to take responsibilities.
Admit you commit adultery. Admit you had betrayed hb. Admit you have lied your bf.

Since you dare to do this kind of thing, then admit to both of them.

You have to bear the responsibilities, there's no return for you cz you already cross the boundaries so accept what fate lies in front for you.

No matter what outcome will be. accept it. That the only way to correct all the mistake you did.

Otherwise no point seeking advice, because there is no other advice if you not even willing to admit.
 
I will stand by my initial statement "u should not be married at all. This is because the both of you are NOT ready for it."
 


blurgal82,
respect urself, ur hb n ur bf like u want them to respect u.
be honest w/ them.
if they found out what u've done, they are sure to lose trust in u n maybe leave u.
 
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