A dark secret for more than a decade

J

judyeng

New Member
i have a very bad past.. let me tell u the story:

i grew up as a very obedient girl, and my parents used to restrict many entertainment in my life. i could not even drink soft drinks or watch tv on weekdays. this went on till i entered secondary school, and i became a curious girl, eager to try all the things i have missed.

because of my curiosity, i got together with an 18 yr old boy i met online(IRC was hot at that time). he drove a car and was handsome, and i found myself falling in love, or so i thought was love. probably puppy love. i was stupid and only in sec 1. 13 yrs old.. gullible and naive..

i experienced my first kiss with this guy. and slowly, we had sex. yes, we did. i think at that time i was more of curious, and coupled with my insecurity as a young child, i mistook my emotions as love. i gave in.

so i was shocked when this nice boy asked me to learn the different techniques in bed, and then one fine day, he told me he has a friend who is looking for a one night stand and if i could be his sex partner for the night. i couldnt stay overnight, but this bf of mine had very good persuasion skills, and he coaxed me into a 30mins BJ session. he then told me to put what he has 'taught' me into good use. he also promised me $10. at that time, alarm bells did ring in my head, but i was still clouded with puppy love and naivity, and i went ahead. i still rmb it was at joo chiat's h81.

the 'client' i got was this man. he was quite a nice guy and he did chat to me a little. he told me he just came back from australia for studies, and he, too, seemed extremely shy and nervous, just like i was. btw, i was ordered by my bf that i must lie about my age and say that im 16(legal age for sex). i rmb this first 'client' the most.

subsequently, for one yr, i had many 'clients'. i understood that my bf was paid abt a couple of hundreds each time, but each time, he would give me $10. at that time, $10 was quite a big deal for a 13/14 yr old, and i gladly accepted it.

abt a yr after the first 'client', my bf got me another client. this time, it was a 70+yr old man. i was told he was a high profile guy, and he is willing to pay $2k. however, i must stay overnight and must not ask the guy's name. $2k! to a young girl, that was like a windfall. i almost succumbed to it. however, having read stories about old man having sex and having heart attack on bed, i was really frightened. i do not want to be a murderer, nor be found out that i was doing such a 'business'. i also felt repulsed about doing anything intimate for a man older than my grandfather. i rejected that. from then onwards, i began rejecting every 'job' that comes along. one day, this bf of mine just disappeared. couldnt contact him. at that time i was still using a pager, no handphone and all. it was quite hard to contact the guy.

i would like to highlight that throughout that one yr, this bf continued having sex with me and teaching me alot of 'techniques' i could use. no money paid of cos.

throughout the whole thing, i have never once enjoyed myself. sex, and anything sexual became more like work and degradation than physical intimacy. after all these, i began to hate myself. from my results in sch, it is obvious as i began to slid from a pure science student to last in the whole level. of cos, i couldnt tell anyone, and my [parents gave up encouraging me, and my teachers labelled me as a hopeless case. to tell the truth, i too couldnt care less about sch at that time.

time passed by, and my mind began blocking out details like what happened during each sex sessions with diff men. all i could rmb are the above mentioned details. i cannot, try as i might, even rmb my bf's name, except that he drives a red car and always wear sunglasses while driving. i sank into depression, tried to take my life many times when probs in sch/rship/family arises, but never really have the guts to do it. i guess inside me, i have a stubborn personaility and never believe i should lose my life to such things.

i got into a serious rship for 3.5 yrs, and i found out i have become a very jealous, possesive, women. everything negative and nothing good. it was painful being in a rship but i seemed to fear having no one to stand by me. i always used suicide to threatened that bf. i was really a wreck.

today, i finally met the man of my dreams and will be marrying him. he knws about my past and accepts it. and i am really grateful for that. he loves me for who i am and for once in my life, i did not feel resentful nor jealous nor possesive. for the first time in my life i felt like a real, clean woman with him.

somehow, though, these few days, my HTB has been emiting this body ordour. its not smelly or anything, its more of a manly strong ordour, especially after a humid day or when he's been working long hrs, or after a beer. and it only happens when we make love. this smell, this wretched smell, reminds me of the smell of all the 'clients' of my past. they all smelt like that, as far as i can rmb.

everytime my HTB emits this odour, i cant bring myself to make love to him. everytime i smell this smell, something inside me turns cold and i just want to turn around and sleep.

also, on another note, i have never really felt turned on during sex, even with my HTB. somehow, i have lost all interest in physical intimacy. i always feel this dread coming from me everytime HTB and i got intimate.

this matter is not affecting me greatly right now but i think its time to share my story, so that i can lift this burden from me. but i guess even though i tell myself i am not really affected anymore, i am still crying as i type out this story. i hope all of u kind souls can take a bit of my story and help me lift this ugly story away from my shoulders..
 


Hi

Sorry to hear about this. Everybody has a unpleasant past but what's gone was already over. We live for the present and not the past, don't waste time brooding over it.

If it's still bothering you, you might like to seek professional counselling or medical help.
 
Glad that you have found someone who truly loves you. Focus on the present and try to forget about the past. Don't blame yourself as you were so young at that time.

Treasure what you have now and move on.

Take care.
 
i believed for a period of time i've alr moved on.. the memories were only reopened when smells reminded me of them..

but whatever it is, i truly feel happier now..
 
I know its not easy to forget about the past, esp when certain things remind us about it. Just brush it aside and think positively when this happens.

On a lighter note, you may want to casually mention to your HTB about the 'smell' and see if he can do something about it. Well, you did not tell him that it reminds you of your past.
happy.gif
 
yeah i didnt.. i felt that even if he had accepted my past, he might nt like to be reminded of it as well, nor be associated with those people.. im a pretty straightforward person u see, so the words that come out of my mouth may not sound as tactful.. any ideas hw i should tell him?
 
Hmmm...it can be quite sensitive and some people may not like it when you tell them
happy.gif

Well, it depends how well you know your HTB. Not sure if he minds if you tell you this.

As for my hubby, I just tell him straight and ask him to take a bath or change clothes.

Or you can buy him a bottle of cologne...hee hee
 
hi, get a good shower gel, switch on the aircon for bedtime and it should solve the problem.
 
haha.. so many ideas.. few days back i told him abt the smell(though never tell him why i dont like the smell), he went to shower, and the smell is still there.

if it affects me further i think i'll have to tell him the whole truth.
 
it is true that the we live in the future not the past, because the past never been any good to look at it. However, it will never dissapeared in our life.

Our past is very important to us. that period is the creation of our character in the future. lady gaga, i understand that you try to erase the past and try to move on. however, a little things such as your case, odour, can trigger back the hatred you had.

with the case that happend to you actually is not a bad thing. puppy love is the sweetest things ever happend in our life. you love, you sacrifies, you explore the unknown, the way i see you, you are very brave girl and dare to take risk. it require alot of courage to do what you did. even though at that time your mind is still weak like happend to all of us when we were young. There is nothing bad that you been through what you did. at least you will be good at sex and understand what man want. at least you are more mature and experienced dealing with man more than any girls.

we live only once try to make the most out of it regardless bad or good.
 
i think it's abt time u seek some help. u deserve a good future... and if u can't overcome it, no harm seeking avenues tat can aid u with it.
 
Hi judy, i admire your courage to be so open about your past and I'll hug you if you were here! I think the first step to moving on is admitting and you def did a great job. Your sincerity landed you a great HTB in the end. I think I read somewhere that out of our 5 senses,scent usually triggers the most memories so I think i understand how you feel. Since ur HTB already knows about ur past,there's no harm breaking to him gently that he has a scent that reminds u of "a bad memory". I'm sure he will understand and want to seek professional help to rid himself of it and make you happy. You gotta understand that to solve a problem, u must first understand it and he can't do anything if u don't tell him whats wrong. HUGS and good luck!
 
i told him abt it last night.. he took it a little personal at first.. but after that he put on some deodorant.. smell is still there bt a little muted.. however i noticed a chnge.. after coming clean here in the forum, i seem not to be so affected right now.. dont knw why, but thats a very good thing.. at least its a start..
 
Dear LadyGaga.. I must also say I admire you for the courage to share here.. I am sure all of us here are very proud of you ~ who come a long way, and we want to see you go further. You deserve to be loved and build your own happy family.

Our past form part of who we are today, there is no point in denying the past. Look Forward! There is such a bright future for you, and I sincerly hope that you can get over the problem bothering you currently and WISH you all the best!!

Agree that this forum is a good place for us to share our stress, frustration. High chances that we are able to find ppl who understand our problem/ issues/ frustration even better than our parents/ close friends. And i do hope that by us sharing your story, it actually lift up some burden from ur shoulders as mentioned in your vry first post. Hugs and Kisses~ ^^ Jia you!
 
Dear LadyGaga,

It's great to know that you have a HTB who loves you just as you are. Understand that the past perhaps is still haunting you a bit, I guess, you need to talk it out, since you haven't been doing so for more than a decade. If you aren't comfortable with your friends with regards to this, you may seek a counsellor. Most prob you really need to talk about it, else this may hinder your sexual intimacy with your HTB. As what most forummers would say, Look Forward
happy.gif
Just that you may need to tie a knot to your past first. God bless you and your HTB
happy.gif
 
Your HTB's reaction is expected, normally most of us will take it quite personal
happy.gif

Could it be due to the food he takes or just recently due to hot weather?
 
Hi Judy

Reading your story created a huge lump in my throat and I feel utterly awful for you. I can't imagine how you went through all that at such a young age and still emerged so resilient. You are like a tree that has weathered the most violent of storms and still stands tall to see the rainbow.

I'm glad that putting your past down in words has been cathartic for you. I think you should continue posting your thoughts whenever your past threatens to overwhelm you, as it will probably help you to heal little by little.

I sincerely wish you all the best as the new chapter in your life is about to begin. May your marraige be filled with all the happiness you deserve!

*HUGS*
 
Hi ladygaga, yup i agree. no one likes to be told that they are "smelling funny" i guess but i'm glad your HTB did something about it!

As for "after coming clean here in the forum, i seem not to be so affected right now" ...perhaps you were troubled in the first place because you're afraid that people will judge you and call u names after they know about your past and coming here and telling us,and all of us are understanding and sympathetic made you feel better and you completely weren't expecting it! :D Sometimes, human are alot kinda then we make them out to be. Whatever it is, i'm just really really happy for you!
 
*admiration for u* u have been thru alot at such a young tender age. being able to face it is all that matters. dun let it affect u now or in future yah?

however, if the sting is still in u and u r always turned off by it.. maybe it's time to seek help. at least u will be able to move on without bringing ur past with u.
 
wow.. after reading all ur comments and replies i feel very touched.. im glad i made the decision to come clean here.. was expecting most forummers to be condemning the guy or even me..

indeed, i was very afraid that if i told this to my friends, they'll start judging me or call me awful things like 'loose', 'prost' or whatnots.

i have been contemplating finding a counsellor to talk it out. the only thing im afraid is the social stigma of being labelled as crazy or needing help, when im not either one. i just need a listening ear thats all. so not so sure i should seek a counsellor. i also dont knw where to start if i should decide to do so.

@meagain1: i think its probably due to humid weather that this smell is appearing. food wise he's still eating the same things so i doubt thats it. my htb has high metabolic rate and perspire quite a lot. i think ive found a solution. blast the aircon for 30mins before we enter the bedroom. tried and tested last night. :D
 
well i think your journey is unique to u and i dun see it deserving any less respect for what's right or wrong... given similar situations, i might have fallen harder? i think as long as we're striving for a better life - that's admirable n worthy of respect. it's in the character n personality built... and u're an equal, no less...

let your past be the source of strength n goodness... u can't go wrong having seen the worst of things...
 
Dear LadyGaga, nothing wrong for seeking profesional help. They are under professional code of conduct to ensure your file is kept confidential. And forget abt those social stigma... it's just nonesence.. (It's just like when you fall ill, you will need to see a doctor, seeing a consellor is no diff fr seeing a general doc, right?) ^^

You don't need to tell your friend abt this (your past and that you are seeking professional help) if you don't feel comfortable. The important thing is to have the support from your love one~

Speak to your doctor who will then refer you to the right specialist.
 
ladygaga: U were young then... wldn't say that u are silly but more so that you choose to believe in the wrong guy, mistaking it for love etc... what has passed has passed, though it forms part of our memories, we shld focus on what we have now and move on... what is ur man working as?? Perhaps the hot weather has an impact as well? Glad for u that u have resolved the issue in one way or another.. Remember, to treasure the present and wish u all the best in your future...
happy.gif
 
Hi Ladygaga, like everyone in this forum, I applause you, glad that you are feeling better now!! Everyone has a past, and few wil lke to be reminded of it, you choose to face it, and it is a big step towards a blissful future! As for HTB, maybe can buy lotion, to slowly massage for him , create a mood?? Hope it works!! Take Care darling!!
 
cat: thanks. i think it's important for me to look for some professional help before my ROM, at least just for a peace of mind and listening ear(:

littlewoman: HTB works more than 12 hrs a day, either under the sun or indoors depending on the needs of his project.. im pretty sure its the weather..

mrs beast: i tried something the other day and it works like magic. what i did is secret though *winks*
 
ladygaga, i have watched an ang moh documentary previously. they get a bunch of big size guys to test on diff products for prespiration. like deodorant, powder and stuff and ask them to play rugby for like half hr or so.. it's proven that deodorant will minimize the odour best.

perhaps u can try tt? erm.. nothing guranteed about this but most prob will help reduce the smell if applied before he goes to work and after a shower when he comes home. =)
 
every part except the part which will make the lubricants 'dry-up'. never apply powder to condoms and near 'there'...

else the barber uses on your hair to help brush the loose hair away, u apply on babi'es backside and other parts to keep them relatives easier to handle than wet... powder is very important in our lives, dun u think?

and in school, we had itchy powder to sabo pple.
 
yeah, hopefully the part is not alergic and it will cause tragic. Itchy powder is bad that's why many people avoid it and use it as a prank from the playfull people to the victim itself.
 
hi, on your concern about never enjoying sex. Could this be due to the fact that you have been only focused on pleasing the partner and not yourself?

Try exploring yourself more to find out how you need to be physically pleased during intimacy and sex. Its a 2 way enjoyment.
 
haha sorry.. wasnt really able to type much last night bcos htb came into the room. dnt think i want him to see this thread. haha.

anyways, like i mentioned, i dnt blame myself. i just take it as a moment of folly. this episode is like a thorn inside ur skin, and if u dnt take it out its irritating, but if u dnt take it out life still goes on.

i would say i feel relieved. after all the encouraging remarks from this forum, i even feel accomplished to be able to relate my probs.

update: ive bought a lot of fragrance and have been using scented soap, perfume, candles, blah blah. this helps a lot. as my htb uses powder before he slps, i even replaced his powder with scented powder! haha. even though he says he smells like a woman now.. but it helps.
 

You must log in or register to reply here.

Similar threads

T
Confession of a married woman
Replies
0
Views
4K
Troublegal20246
T
C
Cheong Yip Kwong, William - The Wedding Solemniser From Hell
Replies
0
Views
2K
Chewmida
C
Q
Peach Garden OCBC
Replies
0
Views
440
qwtyuio8649268
Q
C
WTS Marriott Tang Grand Ballroom - Dec 2026 Wedding Lunch (min 180 pax)
Replies
0
Views
208
cloudxx
C
Sophie19
Surprising my husband with a trip to the Singapore GP
Replies
0
Views
267
Sophie19
Sophie19

Back
Top