Expectations vs Reality

[missylia]

Hello, would like to listen some of you ladies' experience and advice.

Do you look forward and are excited when marrying the guy of your life?

I have been with a guy (my first) for 3 years, and am always the girl who look forward to getting married, settle down and stuffs. Have tried to bring up the topic of marriage with the guy a couple of times over these years, but his reply seem to be that he would laugh at it or brush the topic away. Conclusion is, everytime I bring up this topic, it has never been addressed (i.e. we never get to talk about it). And honestly I feel very sad. I voiced out my sadness to him too, so he know about it.

I actually feel quite stressed and saddened over this. We are both approaching 30. Each time I really have to muster alot of courage to even bring this topic up... because I am so afraid that it would ended up with both of us not happy, which usually is the case. But it matters alot to me, that I can't don't bring it up.

I look at social media, and see pictures of ladies feeling excited and looking forward to marrying the guy of their life.

Don't get me wrong - I still do look forward and enjoy being with the guy. But I have to admit, that my excitement of marriage has decreased over the years, due to the "rejection" (or is it neglection ?) of the topic I had faced. How I feel to the topic, is like a kid who always dream and really want to have the chocolate ice-cream. But keep on can't get it... until the point where the kid kinda give up and no longer that interested in the chocolate ice-cream.

I really don't know if the issue is the person or the expectation and dream that I have imagined... or is me.

I mean if put this topic aside, I do enjoy being with the guy around, I feel safe and comfortable being with him.

It is just that I have these set of expectations that grow up with me, that I want to be with xxx kind of guy, I want to get marry by xxx, have kids by xxx, etc.

I don't know how to let go of these expectations and deal with reality.

Appreciate the time reading this and hearing me out.

 

[buddhabar]

Expections are sometime meant for disappointment. Why is there a need to set expectations like these? Age to marry? Age to to be parents? Do you set an age to die and work towards it since its the only thing that is certain? Be happy . When he is not the ready he cant be ready. When he is not the one he cant be one. Marriage happens when you both think each other is the right one and both of think its the right time. Short of any of the above...it's going to be a very hard journey ahead.

 

[miloice]

Hello, would like to listen some of you ladies' experience and advice.

Do you look forward and are excited when marrying the guy of your life?

I have been with a guy (my first) for 3 years, and am always the girl who look forward to getting married, settle down and stuffs. Have tried to bring up the topic of marriage with the guy a couple of times over these years, but his reply seem to be that he would laugh at it or brush the topic away. Conclusion is, everytime I bring up this topic, it has never been addressed (i.e. we never get to talk about it). And honestly I feel very sad. I voiced out my sadness to him too, so he know about it.

I actually feel quite stressed and saddened over this. We are both approaching 30. Each time I really have to muster alot of courage to even bring this topic up... because I am so afraid that it would ended up with both of us not happy, which usually is the case. But it matters alot to me, that I can't don't bring it up.

I look at social media, and see pictures of ladies feeling excited and looking forward to marrying the guy of their life.

Don't get me wrong - I still do look forward and enjoy being with the guy. But I have to admit, that my excitement of marriage has decreased over the years, due to the "rejection" (or is it neglection ?) of the topic I had faced. How I feel to the topic, is like a kid who always dream and really want to have the chocolate ice-cream. But keep on can't get it... until the point where the kid kinda give up and no longer that interested in the chocolate ice-cream.

I really don't know if the issue is the person or the expectation and dream that I have imagined... or is me.

I mean if put this topic aside, I do enjoy being with the guy around, I feel safe and comfortable being with him.

It is just that I have these set of expectations that grow up with me, that I want to be with xxx kind of guy, I want to get marry by xxx, have kids by xxx, etc.

I don't know how to let go of these expectations and deal with reality.

Appreciate the time reading this and hearing me out.

Everyone has a different clock. Wait for your time
Dreams should not become expectation imposed.
Marry the man you want to grow old and die with. Someone you don't want to live without. Someone that brings the best out of you. Someone that shares common values. Your plan with your partner starts with the both of you. Not some dream that you bring with you and expect on whoever you date. There are some realities, with age, motherhood becomes more and more difficult. However, such things can never be rushed. It will be foolish to marry or start a family because you are trying to catch a master plan or to compare with anyone. If you love him and want a life with him, then try to know what is really his thoughts about marriage. Are you guys aligned?

Watch this

https://www.facebook.com/video.php?v=1995740577407064

 

[Rester]

Hello, would like to listen some of you ladies' experience and advice.

Do you look forward and are excited when marrying the guy of your life?

I have been with a guy (my first) for 3 years, and am always the girl who look forward to getting married, settle down and stuffs. Have tried to bring up the topic of marriage with the guy a couple of times over these years, but his reply seem to be that he would laugh at it or brush the topic away. Conclusion is, everytime I bring up this topic, it has never been addressed (i.e. we never get to talk about it). And honestly I feel very sad. I voiced out my sadness to him too, so he know about it.

I actually feel quite stressed and saddened over this. We are both approaching 30. Each time I really have to muster alot of courage to even bring this topic up... because I am so afraid that it would ended up with both of us not happy, which usually is the case. But it matters alot to me, that I can't don't bring it up.

I look at social media, and see pictures of ladies feeling excited and looking forward to marrying the guy of their life.

Don't get me wrong - I still do look forward and enjoy being with the guy. But I have to admit, that my excitement of marriage has decreased over the years, due to the "rejection" (or is it neglection ?) of the topic I had faced. How I feel to the topic, is like a kid who always dream and really want to have the chocolate ice-cream. But keep on can't get it... until the point where the kid kinda give up and no longer that interested in the chocolate ice-cream.

I really don't know if the issue is the person or the expectation and dream that I have imagined... or is me.

I mean if put this topic aside, I do enjoy being with the guy around, I feel safe and comfortable being with him.

It is just that I have these set of expectations that grow up with me, that I want to be with xxx kind of guy, I want to get marry by xxx, have kids by xxx, etc.

I don't know how to let go of these expectations and deal with reality.

Appreciate the time reading this and hearing me out.

As mention by miloice, i think common goals is important. Common goals in relationship too. Did you have a talk about this before? There are kinda a few steps of discussion couples should have i feel. Common goals (age to ger married, kids etc) -> Life goals (own personal goal, have this after common goal i feel since there might be clashes, i think common goals have priority over this) -> Financial Commitment (yup money....unlike the olden days where 1 party, usually the male is the main bread winner, it is common for it to be shared by both party now. Debts/Savings discussion are always sensative so i think this is best done last after u r both sure. Also do plan for future payments, like flats, reno, kids etc).

At 30 i think both party should be able to have a frank discussion about this. If he keeps avoiding, let him know you are serious about this. Tell him that you view this seriously since we guys can be idiots at time =p but be prepared that there is a chance that what you want and what he wants is different At the age of 30 i think it is very reasonable for one to ask their partner to be serious about this. Look he may be a prince charming but if ur mr prince charming is not willing to talk marriage......gonna be direct here but u might be nothing more than a great girl to spend time with but not live with for the rest of your life n yeah i have seen how some guys have lead girls on in such a manner before....i always tell them they are bastards =p great friends but not someone whom i want anyone i know to get into relationship with =)

Still coming to this that might not be the only reason. Might also be reason such as he is still not financially secure...i have felt like that too...this girl is so great and all but look at my shitty salary. i don't deserve to marry her as she deserves better. Thinking back i am really an idiot. Realise this when i attended her wedding =p

Several reason can pop up so have a discussion and maybe u can find out what is holding him back and maybe if all things turns out well, you are gonna get excited about your wedding...o yeah wedding is not that exciting to us guys usually and even if it is we wont admit it =)

 

[missylia]

Hi All, I really appreciate the reply. Apologies for not responding, as I need time to sort things out.

 

[lostmypurpose]

Hi Missy, how's things? Hope you won't rush into a marriage or want to be in one just because of social pressures. It's not going to be happily ever after just because you got married. Having been through and still in it, there are commitments to fulfill, even if you no longer love him. Please make sure he is the one for you, that you guys see eye to eye on most things. Else the marriage is bound to fail.