Husband’s issues, guys’ advices needed

[Lostsoul369]

hi all,

I’m kinda lost and hope to get some advices from the guys here...

We’ve been together for 8 yrs and got married last year. I’m currently pregnant with my first.

All the while we hv been staying together even before we got married due to logistic issues. Long story short.. my hub is someone who portraits himself as a considerate and righteous man outside and he cares for me a lot, he does most of the hse chores even before we’re married and we enjoyed having fun together.

But the opposite side of him which pretty much bother me. He did something very wrong in the past which none of us want to mention and I chose to forgive him and gave him a second chance.

However, as I tot we’re really moving towards a better life, he did not stop just there. I found a clip recorded and saved in his computer, a video capturing his colleague’s cleavage as that girl’s top was quite revealing and pretty big boobs. All the trust I hv regained shuttered in seconds, again I chose to forgive him and decided to married him still despite all the wrongdoings he did in the past.

Now we’re one year married and honestly our sex life has not been improving, he no longer please me like how he does before, no foreplay or whatsoever, all he need is me satisfying him and everything is done in less than 5 minutes. I hv tried all I can including trying to understand what went wrong, never reject whenever he wants it, but sometimes he just turn me off in seconds bcoz he cannot hold any longer. He claimed that he may hv problem that’s why his sexual desire is no longer as strong as before but at the same time he is still surfing porns and even saved sexy bikini pictures of random girls or even his ex colleague’s sexy pictures in his computer. I confronted him for what he has done, he said purly save it and that’s it bcoz it’s pucblicly posted by them, didn’t even look into it again. Downloaded those porns but did not watch coz it’s not helping him to gain back his sexual desire. That’s what he claimed. I told him I’m at that stage of desperation that I need healthy sex life too despite being pregnant but he just couldn’t help it but ignore what I want.

Guys out there, is this normal for guys to not only watch but also capture and save sexy pictures of colleagues and all in the computer?

It makes me feel like I’m no longer attractive to him coz I’m pregnant but he said otherwise. He told me everyday how much he loves me and I’m beautiful with my pregnant look but at the same time he did these at my back which I can’t really accept how contradicting it is.

Should I not think too much and picture it as end of the world or should I just give up as I’m pretty much drained emotionally by what he always do secretly behind my back.

 

[triple]

U hv to ask yourself what is the purpose of a marriage.

Does marriage means u own/control him?

A married man is still a guy.

If u believe marriage means getting a pet, then just tell him so. Marriage life is sooo much more complicated once the kid comes out, its better u get the mindset correct from day 1.

As for your needs... derive your happiness from within yourself, not rely on others to make u happy. Be who u wanna be, not blame others for why u cannot be.

 

[Cath_rina]

hi all,

I’m kinda lost and hope to get some advices from the guys here...

We’ve been together for 8 yrs and got married last year. I’m currently pregnant with my first.

All the while we hv been staying together even before we got married due to logistic issues. Long story short.. my hub is someone who portraits himself as a considerate and righteous man outside and he cares for me a lot, he does most of the hse chores even before we’re married and we enjoyed having fun together.

But the opposite side of him which pretty much bother me. He did something very wrong in the past which none of us want to mention and I chose to forgive him and gave him a second chance.

However, as I tot we’re really moving towards a better life, he did not stop just there. I found a clip recorded and saved in his computer, a video capturing his colleague’s cleavage as that girl’s top was quite revealing and pretty big boobs. All the trust I hv regained shuttered in seconds, again I chose to forgive him and decided to married him still despite all the wrongdoings he did in the past.

Now we’re one year married and honestly our sex life has not been improving, he no longer please me like how he does before, no foreplay or whatsoever, all he need is me satisfying him and everything is done in less than 5 minutes. I hv tried all I can including trying to understand what went wrong, never reject whenever he wants it, but sometimes he just turn me off in seconds bcoz he cannot hold any longer. He claimed that he may hv problem that’s why his sexual desire is no longer as strong as before but at the same time he is still surfing porns and even saved sexy bikini pictures of random girls or even his ex colleague’s sexy pictures in his computer. I confronted him for what he has done, he said purly save it and that’s it bcoz it’s pucblicly posted by them, didn’t even look into it again. Downloaded those porns but did not watch coz it’s not helping him to gain back his sexual desire. That’s what he claimed. I told him I’m at that stage of desperation that I need healthy sex life too despite being pregnant but he just couldn’t help it but ignore what I want.

Guys out there, is this normal for guys to not only watch but also capture and save sexy pictures of colleagues and all in the computer?

It makes me feel like I’m no longer attractive to him coz I’m pregnant but he said otherwise. He told me everyday how much he loves me and I’m beautiful with my pregnant look but at the same time he did these at my back which I can’t really accept how contradicting it is.

Should I not think too much and picture it as end of the world or should I just give up as I’m pretty much drained emotionally by what he always do secretly behind my back.

Why didn't you get a real husband? Why must you settle for local men har? I learn my lesson the hard way too.

 

[arsenal_84]

As for your needs... derive your happiness from within yourself, not rely on others to make u happy. Be who u wanna be, not blame others for why u cannot be.

for sexual issues, maybe is best to speak to a sex therapist and see how they help out.

 

[miloice]

hi all,

I’m kinda lost and hope to get some advices from the guys here...

We’ve been together for 8 yrs and got married last year. I’m currently pregnant with my first.

All the while we hv been staying together even before we got married due to logistic issues. Long story short.. my hub is someone who portraits himself as a considerate and righteous man outside and he cares for me a lot, he does most of the hse chores even before we’re married and we enjoyed having fun together.

But the opposite side of him which pretty much bother me. He did something very wrong in the past which none of us want to mention and I chose to forgive him and gave him a second chance.

However, as I tot we’re really moving towards a better life, he did not stop just there. I found a clip recorded and saved in his computer, a video capturing his colleague’s cleavage as that girl’s top was quite revealing and pretty big boobs. All the trust I hv regained shuttered in seconds, again I chose to forgive him and decided to married him still despite all the wrongdoings he did in the past.

Now we’re one year married and honestly our sex life has not been improving, he no longer please me like how he does before, no foreplay or whatsoever, all he need is me satisfying him and everything is done in less than 5 minutes. I hv tried all I can including trying to understand what went wrong, never reject whenever he wants it, but sometimes he just turn me off in seconds bcoz he cannot hold any longer. He claimed that he may hv problem that’s why his sexual desire is no longer as strong as before but at the same time he is still surfing porns and even saved sexy bikini pictures of random girls or even his ex colleague’s sexy pictures in his computer. I confronted him for what he has done, he said purly save it and that’s it bcoz it’s pucblicly posted by them, didn’t even look into it again. Downloaded those porns but did not watch coz it’s not helping him to gain back his sexual desire. That’s what he claimed. I told him I’m at that stage of desperation that I need healthy sex life too despite being pregnant but he just couldn’t help it but ignore what I want.

Guys out there, is this normal for guys to not only watch but also capture and save sexy pictures of colleagues and all in the computer?

It makes me feel like I’m no longer attractive to him coz I’m pregnant but he said otherwise. He told me everyday how much he loves me and I’m beautiful with my pregnant look but at the same time he did these at my back which I can’t really accept how contradicting it is.

Should I not think too much and picture it as end of the world or should I just give up as I’m pretty much drained emotionally by what he always do secretly behind my back.

No, it is not normal. He is having an addiction. Just as how a sugar addict will down 2 litres of coke and pastries. The brain is seeking for new high. Normal sex isn't arousing and intense enough for his brain. He might not realize it, go research more on how addiction affects the brain. All forms of addiction have this same effect. When he is taking creepy perverted photos of his colleagues and people around, it already shows signs of him risking his reputation and career to crime for his sexual urges and addiction. Porn gives us instant gratification, no matter what fantasy it is. It is visual information that pleases. How we choose to exercise control and balance is key. I am afraid, he is losing it. He might end up like many of the recent stories of people taking upskirt videos and photos. He needs to first realize his problem and want to fix it. You cannot do more than feedback and communicating on what you can and cannot accept.

You can however, move one, walk away from this man if he is no longer on the same page with you on basic values and morals.

 

[miloice]

Why didn't you get a real husband? Why must you settle for local men har? I learn my lesson the hard way too.

once again... talking abt your own father in a loser way.

 

[Lostsoul369]

No, it is not normal. He is having an addiction. Just as how a sugar addict will down 2 litres of coke and pastries. The brain is seeking for new high. Normal sex isn't arousing and intense enough for his brain. He might not realize it, go research more on how addiction affects the brain. All forms of addiction have this same effect. When he is taking creepy perverted photos of his colleagues and people around, it already shows signs of him risking his reputation and career to crime for his sexual urges and addiction. Porn gives us instant gratification, no matter what fantasy it is. It is visual information that pleases. How we choose to exercise control and balance is key. I am afraid, he is losing it. He might end up like many of the recent stories of people taking upskirt videos and photos. He needs to first realize his problem and want to fix it. You cannot do more than feedback and communicating on what you can and cannot accept.

You can however, move one, walk away from this man if he is no longer on the same page with you on basic values and morals.

I hv actually silent myself for a few days to think about it and didn’t want to hv any conversation with him so that I can hv a clear mind of what I want. Finally when I spoke to him how hurting isit to find out all these he realized what he did is wrong. He is too embarrassed to talk about his bad performance in bed and afraid to disappoint me so he kept it all to himself and watched those porns n stuff to figure out if he needed professional help on his weak performance or purely due to stress.. as for taking upskirt and all, in fact I was one of the victims before and he caught the pervert red handed, he caught another 2 taking upskirt subsequently so he clearly know how serious is the offense.
Giving him the benefit of doubt and for the sake of baby I thought he deserves a second chance but I’m too afraid to accept it again if he did not take his promise seriously..

 

[miloice]

I hv actually silent myself for a few days to think about it and didn’t want to hv any conversation with him so that I can hv a clear mind of what I want. Finally when I spoke to him how hurting isit to find out all these he realized what he did is wrong. He is too embarrassed to talk about his bad performance in bed and afraid to disappoint me so he kept it all to himself and watched those porns n stuff to figure out if he needed professional help on his weak performance or purely due to stress.. as for taking upskirt and all, in fact I was one of the victims before and he caught the pervert red handed, he caught another 2 taking upskirt subsequently so he clearly know how serious is the offense.
Giving him the benefit of doubt and for the sake of baby I thought he deserves a second chance but I’m too afraid to accept it again if he did not take his promise seriously..

How old are you guys? As a father of 2 boys, I am naturally concerned and researched abt the topic. We are in the internet age. The new connected world is an experiment of the overwhelming access to instant media content.

I have watch a documentary on porn effects on the brain. It is alot more difficult for a teen that has been exposed to porn since young than a grown man that have the same sex addiction. In the documentary, based in uk, there was a young man in his late teens, whenever he sees girls in sexy outfit, he could not control his urges and even when he was driving, he needed to pull over to the side and jerk it off. The boy was desperate for treatment and he wasn't able to last in bed, his appetite for sex isn't realistic anymore.

Issue with porn is that they show dramatised sex. When the brain is used to this level of hard core stimulus. Normal sex isn't enough. This is why porn is farming the paid sex industry.

Your husband needs help. No point hiding abt it. He need to face it and learn to deal with it. The longer and younger he is addicted to it. The more time he needs to recover from it.

What u can do, encourage him to seek help. You guys can be more adventurous in bed. Cosplay and trying different things to surprise each other. That might help with your sexual issues in your marriage.

 

[SierraCD]

No, it's not normal. Sounds like your husband have some personal issues like what miloice said.

To be honest it sounds like he is just getting excuses on why he watch those videos and why he keeps this kind of images in his computer. You should give him an ultimatum on the matter if he does it again.

 

[miloice]

No, it's not normal. Sounds like your husband have some personal issues like what miloice said.

To be honest it sounds like he is just getting excuses on why he watch those videos and why he keeps this kind of images in his computer. You should give him an ultimatum on the matter if he does it again.

I don't think it is an excuse. it is an addiction and he have issues to cope with it. Unless he accepts and agrees to seriously deal with his addiction, giving him an ultimatum, is just making him hide it from her.

 

[Lostsoul369]

I don't think it is an excuse. it is an addiction and he have issues to cope with it. Unless he accepts and agrees to seriously deal with his addiction, giving him an ultimatum, is just making him hide it from her.

Pardon my ignorance, it’s normal for guys to watch porn right? He mentioned that he didn’t know saving a photo which posted publicly by the girl will cause such a big harm to his wife..Seeking for professional help I did tell him before but it’s hard for guys to face it especially it’s digging his inner self issue which he has been hiding from others... just how worse can it be if he doesn’t seek for help?

 

[miloice]

Pardon my ignorance, it’s normal for guys to watch porn right? He mentioned that he didn’t know saving a photo which posted publicly by the girl will cause such a big harm to his wife..Seeking for professional help I did tell him before but it’s hard for guys to face it especially it’s digging his inner self issue which he has been hiding from others... just how worse can it be if he doesn’t seek for help?

Watching porn vs taking photos of people in public in compromising position are completely different thing. I don't understand your comparison.

Now, when a man finds normal sex not stimulating enough to remain hard, but still able to stay hard with porn, it is a sign that he is watching too much hard core porn. That is the addicition, where it affects his sexual needs and appetite. This is how the sex industry remain profitable. They need men to be hooked, tempting them to eventually crave for sex with the AV actresses. Many of them are also escorts and prostitutes. When we surf for free porn, it is spam with many chat requests, and advertisement by hookers suggesting to be nearby and ready to offer sex. Some of these sites mask as dating sites with lots of mei mei wanting to meet men. Its all bullshit marketing.

 

[SGoutcast]

This is a question about sexuality perhaps. How old are you and your husband? What is stopping both of you to explore out of the normal mandane sex life? How about talk about sex and ask what each individual truly wants? Be honest. If he truly loves you, he should satisfy you. While U... u r pregnant, u are h*rn* all the time (statistically speaking, generally pregnant ladies are h*rny) , make full use of this time to explore your sexuality - different positions, different locations, toys, fantasies! What is holding you both back (unless you are in your third trimester, or doctor say no strenuous activity)? Be adventurous! and after trying all these, if sex life hasn't improve, then time for the counsellor, psychiatrist or doctor.

Good luck

p.s. You are truly beautiful. Pregnant ladies are most beautiful - they glow!!! Love yourself. Be sexy. Be confident. Let your sexy vibes be felt by your spouse.

 

[Econavi]

'Unknown' to most women, most men are constantly at battle within themselves between their fleshly urges and their moral principles. You already know the desires of men can easily be turned on at 100x that of a regular woman (read Mars vs Venus), that tells you alot about the strong 'libido' in them. But still a promise is a promise, so faithfulness is important in a marriage. I'm not saying your husband did no wrong in watching porn and collecting those pictures/videos. But an old man once told me 'heck I caught my son watching porn last night, and I sighed a sigh of relief!...I thought he was gay!!!..haaaa'. You see, being in a marriage takes effort from both sides. A woman's strength lies in her sturdiness and faithfulness, a man's strength lies in his resoluteness and principles. If at anytime these were to break, you need to patch it up fast before it deteriorates. If your 'patching' cannot catch up with the lapses, then some 'wake up call' is required.

Tell him you don't like him watching porn. If he wants to watch porn, tell him to watch you taking a shower!
Tell him you don't like him having pictures of women with cleavages. If he likes it, you can wear it for him.
Tell him you will never reject his sexual advances.

But if above 3 all fails...then I guess there is a big problem. Because it means he wants something else besides you. In that case, ask him 'Do you still want this marriage? If yes, STOP!...otherwise...say bye bye'.