I hate my in laws

[rainz]

Have been having problems with my in laws since day 2 after wedding. paid for the wedding banquet entirely with my own savings. Manage to breakeven but could not cover my deposit of 5k. I understand this and in laws said no choice for such losses. . I understand and expected but who knows they kept a portion of ang bao with them!!! When confront Fil said he have every right to take money and use and ask " I need ur consent ? FYI I am ur fil I have the right to do it I don't even need to ask u "

My useless hubby did not stand on my side and ask me to shut up and suck it up. I felt so upset on how my fil treat me. I cried until eye swollen also no 1 understand. I am not concern about the deposit I just wanted some basic respect that he inform me that he took the ang bao and would like to keep the money. I would have given it to him. But he was so rude and also made me see what kind of man I married.

Now father in law in ICU and I secretly hope that he doesn't pull through. My husband is not talking to me cos of this issue.

Sigh~ just need to rant.. anyone have similar issues with PIL?

 

[amanda xj]

Hi rainz,

Why are u paying the banquet alone? Your hubby did not help u at all?

 

[rainz]

My hubby is earning very little he can hardly survive on this own earnings. While I am earning alot more than him. He said he can't afford a decent wedding but because I am my parents only child I thought I ought to do something to "look better" so I had no issue with paying for the wedding.

Told my parents in law it's not issue with money it's more of respecting me and letting me know. My husband then said I am showing off my wealth by saying it's not money issue but in fact he thinks it is. I really don't know if there will be anyone who really believe that it's really not about the money but more of respecting me as an individual.

His parents even insulted my parents by saying they don't know how to educate child now that I am their daughter in law I ought to listen to them. My mum was really hurt as the way they put it sound like she is selling her only daughter away.

 

[uglydude]

Just treat it as though u r in india ... ur parents do have to pay dowry since they giving away their daughter la ... and u do have to shut up and suck it up since as a married woman like the chinese saying goes .... " 三從四德 " ... 在家從父、出嫁從夫，夫死從子。婦德，婦言，婦容，婦功 ...

 

[rainz]

Ugly dude u are Indian ah ? Too bad I am not Indian so I can't live by what u say. Please don't make women sound so worthless.

 

[verysadguy]

Ugly dude u are Indian ah ? Too bad I am not Indian so I can't live by what u say. Please don't make women sound so worthless.

Indian would not know how to write in chinese and some more it's traditional chinese.

 

[rainz]

Not really. . Some Indians they know chinese/mandarin much more than tamil. Some are mix Indian and Chinese family so may know Chinese as well.

 

[uglydude]

I am just using indian as a reference....

Beside u should see all of this coming before u marry him...what's there to complain now tat u have married him.......

Just follow the chinese saying of 三從四德 ...

 

[life_is]

Honestly, get over it. Money is small matter. You already knew his financial circumstances and still chose to marry him. Don't ever blame him for financial problems if he is responsible enough to prioritise the marriage. I know how it feels to constantly have a wife who thinks just because she got more savings, she can have her way all the time, even if morally wrong.

Then again, he should have protected you since he married you. Prioritise each other first. Parent's opinions are second to mutual spousal agreements. Never let the in-laws ruin a marriage. Mine did. And still insist on having their way despite everyone I asked out there telling me it is not right. Married a woman who is practically stuck to her mum (trust me, I would have dumped her the moment I knew this). Would expect sane women to think the same way too. So talk to your husband, get him to work with you to prioritise each other in matrimonial matters. Leave the in-laws out of the decision process if they are toxic. And protect each other from in-laws who are out to give hell.

 

[adelene]

Hi Rainz,

Is your husband very close to his parent?
Love your husband, you have to learn to love his parent. Unless he himself also do not love his parent. this is another issue.
5K can easily earn back. If you broke the good relationship because of this 5K, you might need to spend ten times more and might not earn it back. 和气生财.

I had been thrown out of the house because my child was coughing badly at night and I applied vaporub, caused irritation and cry badly. But my hb defended on me, so I get to stay in the family. Ever since then, I felt I was an outsider in the family and my children are not mine. They are their children and I am the maid and have no say to anything. As a result, now my hb always caught in between us I think he also didn't spend enough time to build our relationship as he will work and work. That incident marked a bad impression in my relationship with in-laws as well as my hb. But never hate them or wish they die earlier. Never in my thoughts. but to fix the broke relationship is tougher.

Think twice before you act. Not many people have the second chance.

 

[iccy]

Hi Rainz,
I do believe what you saying...it's not matters of anything but just as simple as RESPECT. I don't have issue as big as yours but I do understand when in laws step in and act without asking or even ask and answer is NO they still intrude.

I have other set of issues but my case is because my htb unable to step in or put in a way he just don't know how to as he never against his parents in whole life before.

I knew it but i still choosed to marry him for one reason...is also how he respect his parents. You will not want someone that don't respect their own parents to be your partner don't you? So it boils down to how you handle the situation and also how you both communicate constantly and understand what is the expectation from each side.

Think twice as sometimes what we hope for is not actually what we wanted but just to let go anger. So don't regret by wishing bad things and carry the regret to death if really happen. All obstacles there's is a way to solve it and that makes a marriage stronger..

 

[miloice]

Frankly, your husband has no pride and no basic decency. So thick skin to allow his wife to pay for everything and let his own father help himself with the ang bao. While between couples, there is no need to be calculative, this is clearly taking advantage of you. Your stupid husband can still expect you to keep quiet about it without even thinking about your emotions. What a sucker.

 

[lonely_desire78]

Have been having problems with my in laws since day 2 after wedding. paid for the wedding banquet entirely with my own savings. Manage to breakeven but could not cover my deposit of 5k. I understand this and in laws said no choice for such losses. . I understand and expected but who knows they kept a portion of ang bao with them!!! When confront Fil said he have every right to take money and use and ask " I need ur consent ? FYI I am ur fil I have the right to do it I don't even need to ask u "

My useless hubby did not stand on my side and ask me to shut up and suck it up. I felt so upset on how my fil treat me. I cried until eye swollen also no 1 understand. I am not concern about the deposit I just wanted some basic respect that he inform me that he took the ang bao and would like to keep the money. I would have given it to him. But he was so rude and also made me see what kind of man I married.

Now father in law in ICU and I secretly hope that he doesn't pull through. My husband is not talking to me cos of this issue.

Sigh~ just need to rant.. anyone have similar issues with PIL?

Well, be assured. There are many people having issues with PIL, or otherwise PIL having issues with them.

Its tough to nail your PIL and disagree with what they do. Your FIL is right. He is your FIL and has the right to take the money. Quite jialat. More ideally is he talk and discuss with you. Honestly, what can you do if he is so high handed? Unless you forsake your marriage.

I also came across something similar. One bride paid on her hubby behalf for the wedding dinner. For that dinner, it was a loss and the bride didn't discuss with hubby on whether the losses can be shared. She then absorbed the losses and that became a big issue subsequently leading to a fight later on. If we apply the same logic to this case, clear communication would have prevented it.

One point quite clear is, people are all brought up differently. They perceive things differently. You think its wrong, but your FIL thinks it right.

For you, the advise is not to expect changes in your PIL. They won't change. The only one who can change is yourself. Do you think you are happy and you can live with this "crap"? Imagine if there is a kid, your FIL imparts some funny disagreeable values to him or her and insists that there is nothing wrong. What would you do? Do you let it pass? PIL play a damn big role in a marriage. If you are upset with them and how they behave, that can be very challenging. Speaking from point of view of someone who has seen it and gone through it. :\

These are tough personal questions. Since you are married, do think hard about it. No point today you swallow the nonsense and then later on cannot tahan. Point is, what for? Make a clear stand whether you can live with the potential problems and stick to it. Or if you can't tahan, then make a decision on whether to continue. It isn't right to think about getting out. Yet, you have to be fair to yourself and your husband. No one likes to be unhappy fighting over and over again.

 

[sadman2009]

Frankly, your husband has no pride and no basic decency. So thick skin to allow his wife to pay for everything and let his own father help himself with the ang bao. While between couples, there is no need to be calculative, this is clearly taking advantage of you. Your stupid husband can still expect you to keep quiet about it without even thinking about your emotions. What a sucker.

I agree... And I'm also wonder why TS not know about all these coming. May be her husband actually don't love her that much. May be it's all one-sided.

 

[rainz]

I did not see this coming before the wedding. We used to be a happy couple without such monetary issues. His parents were polite to me when I was still his girlfriend. I knew all.along that his father has huge ego and is a stubborn old man who always think he is right even when we are talking about singapore law he still live in the 70s and keep insisting that what we are reading even from govt website like hdb are all wrong and impossible. However, I knew we will not be living with him since we have our own flat and therefore was not so worried. Who knows his pattern all come out immediately after the wedding. To them, they think that a woman after getting married doesn't belong to her parents anymore it's the in law property and so they expect me to listen to them. I did not know they are like this until after marriage and conversations with them and my parents. My mum was really upset at the things they said. Also we are the first to get married in their family and did not have previous example to evaluate.

I really advise those girls who are deciding to marry their bf to consider every aspects of their future in law before making the decision. My in laws are pure unreasonable ppl so much so that they created huge impact to my marriage between hb and me. I don't know what will happen to us but we quarrel really often because of them and each time he tell me his parents are always right and were nv once wrong my heart ached badly I cried and he get irritated. Sigh

 

[lonely_desire78]

Rainz,

Love is blind. In the initial period, everything is rosy to the point where many fail to consider the potential problems.

To add, its not just every aspects of the future in laws, but its everything under the sun (and the moon, for that matter). Relatives (themselves) can be influential. Plus, the friends too. Friends can contribute good, as well as (sometimes and even often) bad advice. You can't stop them from saying what they want. The only upside here is they say nothing. But, some of them are a PITA. Worse...... you can't remove them from the equation..... that's the horrible thing here. :|

End of the day, its just about the two persons (husband and wife) and whether they want to be together. Unfortunately, all relationships have their own problems. Its also important to be realistic and realise that there are bound to be problems along the way, but decide clearly which are the deal breakers. Of course, there are the easier two ways to keep the marriage alive. Either swallow all the issues and pretend nothing happened or go for the D.

Its never an easy one. Because relationship was quite problem free, that's why two of you were happy together. Marriage is really different.

 

[miloice]

At the end of the day... open your eyes wide. Does he let family ties and relationships cloud his rationale. If he is like this all the while, then you are just too blind to realize it.

 

[rainz]

When we were dating we did not have issues with his parents. His parents were generally nice and also boring ppl such that his father always just sit in hall watch tv his mum in her room watch her tv. my hb hardly talk to them even when he is home he just stay in his own room. His parents doesn't go out of their own neighbourhood and they don't even have meals together as a family not even reunion dinner they just eat separately. So i really did not know abt this side of them at all.

 

[rainz]

Nv had conflicts with them such that hb have to make a choice between me or them before marriage guess this is a really unfortunate case.

Or perhaps I will say his family is too traditional that they have many expectations of daughter in law that were not made known to me before marriage.

They told my parents that I belong to them now and I should listen to them and they are teaching me now so asking my parents to back off when they tried to reason with them.

 

[thepearlyn]

The best way to avoid conflicts with your parents-in-law and keep the marriage is to stay apart together with your HTB? But do remember that your HTB is their child, so he will take after them somehow or rather; he's still a chip off the old block. I am no one to judge, but from the looks of it, it could be the start of all the problems and if you do decide to marry him eventually, I think you should consider the real factors, his character, personality, his values in life, his priorities in life, etc.

 

[miloice]

There is no right or wrong. Differences is normal, you have to work this out with your partner. At the end of the day, if he is not at all bothered about your feelings, it reflects a lot. It goes beyond the in-laws problem. You can give all the reasons why you didn't know previously but that's not important. What's important now is that you are fully aware now and how to proceed from here.

 

[sadman2009]

The best way to avoid conflicts with your parents-in-law and keep the marriage is to stay apart together with your HTB? But do remember that your HTB is their child, so he will take after them somehow or rather; he's still a chip off the old block. I am no one to judge, but from the looks of it, it could be the start of all the problems and if you do decide to marry him eventually, I think you should consider the real factors, his character, personality, his values in life, his priorities in life, etc.

Pearlyn,
For your info, TS has already got married with her Husdand... So it's kind of late now....

 

[sadman2009]

There is no right or wrong. Differences is normal, you have to work this out with your partner. At the end of the day, if he is not at all bothered about your feelings, it reflects a lot. It goes beyond the in-laws problem. You can give all the reasons why you didn't know previously but that's not important. What's important now is that you are fully aware now and how to proceed from here.

Agree with miloice. From what you have posted, it seems that your hubby is the problem coming. We all knows that the older generations are stubborn and some are holding on to tradition customs and ways of thinking. But your husband should be the one having such understanding and should be on your side. He should be consoling and comforting you when such differences arise. May be he is a filial son but he forgets that now you and him are one and you are the one that will be with him until old age. But he is still very immature

 

[life_is]

I did not see this coming before the wedding. We used to be a happy couple without such monetary issues. His parents were polite to me when I was still his girlfriend. I knew all.along that his father has huge ego and is a stubborn old man who always think he is right even when we are talking about singapore law he still live in the 70s and keep insisting that what we are reading even from govt website like hdb are all wrong and impossible. However, I knew we will not be living with him since we have our own flat and therefore was not so worried. Who knows his pattern all come out immediately after the wedding. To them, they think that a woman after getting married doesn't belong to her parents anymore it's the in law property and so they expect me to listen to them. I did not know they are like this until after marriage and conversations with them and my parents. My mum was really upset at the things they said. Also we are the first to get married in their family and did not have previous example to evaluate.

I really advise those girls who are deciding to marry their bf to consider every aspects of their future in law before making the decision. My in laws are pure unreasonable ppl so much so that they created huge impact to my marriage between hb and me. I don't know what will happen to us but we quarrel really often because of them and each time he tell me his parents are always right and were nv once wrong my heart ached badly I cried and he get irritated. Sigh

Similar problems with my wife's parents. Same situation with them showing their true colours only after marriage. If the spouse does not know how to defend the marriage from their own parents, they deserve to lose the marriage.