Wicked friends

hi Lee,

the human heart is murky. even my own dad asks me if im leaving him because of money. i think his side views me as some sort of villainess now.

life is a journey. sometimes there are ups, sometimes there are downs, and to go through all this is to taste life's flavour and substance. i understand that we cannot have it all good all the time. before things went physical, i have also committed in my heart that i was going to stay with him even if he is poor.

but when things go physical, there is no turning back.

have you watched the movie "The Last Emperor"? it is very, very hard for someone who was born in the lap of wealth in his childhood to maintain a noble character when life changes. sometimes the expectations linger on. we would be chatting casually about something, when he would mention about buying this house and that house, as if they were still within attainable reach like in the past. what actions to take to recover the lost wealth? nothing, just building castles in the air.

and then the wrong attitude seeps in. when resources grow thin, they start to eye intensely what one another is getting. ever thought that the way out is not to kill one another over a shrinking pie? the silent expectation to get a handout that turns ever more desperate by the day. ever seriously considered going out to get another job, instead of this futile fighting? not once, just castles in the air.

and then the debauchery seeps in. the quiet disappearance in the night to visit the casino. his friends are people who earn above 5 digits a month? what does he have? this does not stop him from going out with this group. he and his friends can lose the same amount of money each, but the aftermath for each is very, very different.

you are right about the badmouthing. im already 30. i cant be like a teenager whose world comes crumbling down, just because of a few nasty words.
 


so in essence, you left because he changed. His financial position changed, so he changed. But I dunno lah, it sounds a bit off to me. You were swept off your feet by the rich Prince Charming, and to escape, you married. Then u did better in life, he did worse and worse. Somehow I didn't get the picture of support, that you try to help him start over, etc...or perhaps you just left these out? If both of u have not been supportive of each other during the start of bad times, perhaps u2 have 'deserted' each other long before his debauchery?
 
I don't think its as simple as he changed or May changed. The relationship is basically already lost. They are bearing more resentments for each other than anything. Even if he suddenly strike rich, I don't think it will change a thing about the current state. In fact, he will use back his money to try to gain back some respect. And I'm pretty sure it will be even more irritating for May.
 
i think it's a combi of his pride talk and violence that triggered the warning bells...

what's there left to say when one refuses to pick himself up and blames external factors instead?

broke and deflated? be a man and stand up for himself instead of attributing to a lack of support and empathy.

it's totally crap for me...
 
hweebs... there probably isn't one date. A big fight or something could have shaken the boat to expose the tip of the iceberg but the ice has been underneath for the longest time slowing growing and accumulating in size. What's already lost probably cannot be restored.
 
milo: yah i know, but may seemed to throw all the problem to the ex-husband's side leh...i thought a bit lopsided...if may dun think it through she will not get any value/ learning out of it
 
I don't think she put all the blame on the hb side from what I read from her posts. She has been frank and upfront about "their" issues.

In any case, she chose the hb herself.. Even if hb has changed... so what?

anyway, meaningless to assign blame.
 
Denise80,

"It's apparent that you don't need a partner but the ability to give yourself a gd life. Your case is one where both parties are not able to fulfill the marriage vows of living through hard times & poverty together."

Finally, you are on the right track. LOL~ Go deeper, Denise80. ^.^
 
Hi May, fyi her hubby is not a bankrupt. He owes several banks 10-20k and is sort of getting depressed before getting to know this young cheerful lady thru' the net.

I believe there is a "special something" in her to drive him to work out together to settle his problems, with other problems like the bonding with his sons, their parent's objection etc..

Now his debts is already cleared, and they have already earned their first bucket of gold.

I think you have already more and less decided what you are going to do next, especially so that earning the first million is one of your top priority.


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but you know what? recently i saw a channel 8 documentary on unusual husband-&-wife pairings. one featured a bankrupt 40yo with 3 sons and a divorced wife, who is married to a bright, chirpy, happy looking 25yo. she is so cheery she dazzled like the sun, and she takes good care of his sons. her passion for her stepsons is evident.

why does such a young, intelligent girl, with outstanding leadership skills, outgoing and extroverted, end up with a sad and wasted 40yo? the episode left a deep impression in me and leads me to the conclusion that there will be takers for any man out there. even if the world views him as a loser, he will still get a woman.

so i wont be surprised if my husband already has a girlfriend now. he will get over me quickly, this i am sure.
 
Milo, you are right that even if he is rich now, and he gives me millions of dollars, i am not going back to him. cause this issue is not about money, it is about self-respect.

have you watched the movie "Sweet Home Alabama"? Reese Witherspoon's husband was a wastrel and she left him to make a better life for herself. when she comes back to their hometown years later as a successful woman, she found that he has also changed and become a successful small business owner. he realised that he has to buck up, he learnt his lesson. then they were reunited.

but my case is different as there was violence involved. when there is violence, even if there is forgiveness, even if people change for the better and overcome their predicament, there can be no restoration in the relationship.

i would like to call out to anyone here, has anyone here encountered physical abuse in the relationship? how did you handle it?

also, i would like to hear from anyone who has once owned or made a lot of money and then lost it. did you make it back? how did you handle it?
 
It's not about money. It's about how one handles money and/or deals with life when money becomes short, I think. It's a question of the attitude toward life.
 
yes, money and finances are strong influencing factors that contributed to the break down. But the divorce now is merely a reflection of the actual state of the relationship. DEAD and beyond repair. Nothing is wrong with the decision to terminate the marriage that is long gone.
 
May, why would your dad of all people asked if you leave him because of money? Did you marry him because of the same?
The very thing (jackport) you married and you realised it wasnt there anymore. They gave you a shelter when you needed it, didnt they? You married because you wanted to get away from your own family. You were young then, you think you matured enough now?
You slowly regain your independence, your found job, another lifestyle, you have money and youhave control of your own life....
Did you ever thought that you gave him enough support? You keep ranting abouyt him being spineless and that spineless kept you away from your family, your trouble, when you needed it most.
 
May,

The problem is not when he got rich... perhaps again. The problem is when you got so poor, again.

You still don't understand what is your problem.

But violence shouldn't be condone... though... ahem, I did fight with my sis when we were younger. LOL~

The problem with you is that you have too much other factors in your relationship, and not about focusing on the sole most important thing: Your man. Got it?

It's always about you you you. But it's normal for many women as well. But your case is more extreme. You kind of 'hate' your man as you hate your decision or yourself.

I totally believe you are like a confident woman in your looks because most cases as yours are 99% pretty chicks. The 1% is deluded women who are ugly and expect professional hunks to pick up and marry them.

It's not like self-respect if you go back to him. You know right from the beginning that you don't love him. You married him just hoping for a better life in a confusion like he's some 'life-solo' to grab from (say) have-nots.

Your main point about him as a 'loser', comparing him to some TV case loser who married a winner, shows... ... That wasn't relationship. Some women married without even wanting a banquet or they just do it in private, but you are so devastated with a fairy tale wedding gone not in your way.

If that affects your relationship, anything can affect your relationship. Despite your bitterness towards your ex-husband, I think you hate yourself more for that decision.

Self-made millionaire or not... as long as you are lost, 'so what you avenge by killing your enemy'? What next? Will you really feel happiness? Is this the happiness of a healthy mentality?

Do you know what you are doing, May?

You are like shadow-boxing with yourself, either side wins, you'd declare yourself the winner. But the reality is, your marriage fails because it has never been love. And it fails... because of you. You chose.

You lost.

You confront the situation with too much excuses pushing blames to your ex-husband.

When has commitment been a decision??? LOL~

It's not about money, Doll said? Nope... From day one it has been about money. When you ended up making a decent living and your ex-husband is still dealing with his family for (say) his income, there is already an imbalance.

You could have convinced yourself when he gave you allowance from the first days you met that... well, this man is good for relationship because he feeds.

The problem is... You never love the man, or this loser you now label. And you married knowing that you don't love the man, in the hope that other factors will compensate for that lack of love.

Then violence comes... not important. If it didn't come, you won't love the man as well. Simply... you took the vow as if the vow never existed. LOL~

My interest in your case is... what next for you? Your next relationship will be very interesting.
 
May, my dad hit my mum when we were very young. Throughout, I saw him as the villian, the uncaring violent man that hits his wife. And she would always be using that to continue abusing and humiliating him all the yrs. But, through the years, I have learnt to love a different man in him. Someone traditional and hopeless in expressing his emotions. His violent expression is really a result of the situation. I only learnt to be the bridge between my parents when its too late.

You look at violence as a point of no return. Just as many others that view gambling, bankruptcy and infidelity all as points of no return. In actual, there are relationships that survive all these. But, just that not all have what it takes to make it work. Think about that.

I'm not asking you to think about your destroyed marriage. But, to evaluate about your line of thoughts. The deep rooted black and white rules.

What scope has wrote in his last msg is so very true.
 
Milo,

May is not a bad woman, she's just a bit extreme... probably the naive type. But she's definitely not 100% ready for a relationship... if she doesn't confront herself deep enough.

I know her from day one she started talking about her ex... LOL~ Not very hard a woman to read.

I just wonder how beautiful she is... I'm a man, after all. LOL~
 
Ken, my dad asked me that because when i met him for dinner and found out what happened, he was surprised to see that i was not crying or anything but just acting normal. he could not believe that i was taking the whole thing like an afternoon tea. he half-expected me to be hysterical or something.

i like to follow certain blogs. one belongs to a childhood friend who got cancer. she once said that people around her half-expected her to be drama-mama and become all weak and clingy overnight. she said that is ridiculous and a terrible myth propagated by pop culture.

likewise my dad believed that a woman who opts for divorce should be shattered to pieces or somewhere along that line. he himself tolerated my mother for years but they never separated, not even once. so the only way he could explain that i was not sad was that i must have married for money.

sad must wear on the face meh? divorce must be like bollywood movie beat the chest and stand in rain and cry out to heavens meh? sigh ...
 
may,
my personal thoughts about this:

after u married him (rich and charming prince) you expected it to be happily ever after. You didn't expect to put in effort to maintain the relationship. You didn't think it was necessary to help him when he is down. You felt that life for couple is 2 people living separate lives under the same roof. So while your life got better and his life got worse, you didn't think to help him out, nor to let go of your career and devote time to helping him with his. You didn't love him, you only love and care for yourself. This is why your marriage ended: it died long before his fortunes deteriorated, long before he got into bad company, long before he turned violent. Feel free to rebuke me and tell me how you had tried to bond and help him.

Why did I bring this up? Well, I thought it will be good for you to recognize a relationship is about trusting, helping, loving and bonding with each other. It is not about who has changed in the relationship. If you hadn't invested in it, what is to keep it going? You can't expect him to just maintain the relationship singlehandedly can you?
 
hi kenturik/denise/scope/hweebs, you peeps should re-read these key sentences again:

"i understand that we cannot have it all good all the time. before things went physical, i have also committed in my heart that i was going to stay with him even if he is poor."

"i tried to discuss financial matters with him, not to brag to him, but to help him. but i think he took it the wrong way that i now despise him."

"i am willing to accept him as he is now, more or less broke. but i do not have any use for a broke man who has no dignity, who continually bows to his family."

assuming that May's relevations on her marriage are factual, i think you should stop all the talks on "her inability to go through good and bad times" thingies... and look carefully in the direction that she Intends to tread with him - yes, even though she has openly admitted her ill-exposure at that time led her to marry for security, and was her mistake.

His current perspective - what's wrong with having kids even if i am broke now? what's wrong with me even if i still solely depend on the reducing family fortune? what's wrong with you such that you have to keep reminding me abt my finances?

i seriously find a need to question any one in here who doesn't question this sort of mentality...

and May is right on the account that he's spineless - given that as a Guy, he is not doing anything feasible on seeking an alternative income - and still kpkb when he is provided for. so this part, i totally will concur that he is freaking spineless - if ever, he don't wake up from his blardy ideas and still keeping up with his farking useless pride.
 
hi Hweebs, you made many good points about being supportive in a relationship.

i tried to help him by going to career seminars alone, on my own initiative, to find out more about possible jobs that can be suitable for him. i started to pay for the petrol by charging to the counter first whenever we were at the petrol station. things of such nature to contribute more and help out in concrete ways. and i was subtle too, never pointing out that i was helping in ways i never did.

but when i raised the things i learnt in the seminar, he cut in "i do not wish to talk about this topic". and when you find out that you paid the petrol only for him to go gallivanting for days and leave the office early to look for friends, how would you feel? and how would you feel, when this continues for not months but years?

some girls are romantics at heart. i have a friend who plans for her husband's secret birthday party half a year in advance, and giggle while she is doing it, and they have known each other for years. but i am not like that. i prefer to spend my time browsing through stock charts, thinking about potential ways to earn more money, browse the classifieds. for leisure i like to play mahjong (like my mum, i like to play games involving money), sometimes online, sometimes with friends, but always with very housewifely types of stakes. i am not soft in the sense that i can cuddle him and tell him that everything is fine and that he is the greatest. not everything is fine now, that is a fact that is confronting us at our door and glaring at us in the face all the time. he wants me to build castles in the air with him, but for me, it is wrong to do that, when bills are coming in with late payment fines on them.

this is what people mean by incompatibility, hweebs. and certain things in life are not politically correct. i know that women who choose not to be long-suffering are generally condemned by moralists. but this role doesnt suit me, so i have to reject it.

i also know that it is not politically correct to experience RELIEF as one of the predominant emotions after i commence my legal separation. Relieved and a poignant tinge of regret.

that is why my sister tells me that i am of a personality type that is not meant to be married. perhaps i am really that - things are really working out well for me right now.

life continues as per normal, except that i come to this forum a lot - to write and write and write, which i use as a form of release.

hweebs, i would like to know, have you been in a relationship? have you been attached or married? you are counselling now as a counsellor, but do you have personal experiences that i can relate to? then i could get a more intimate sense of, what it means to Work in a relationship.
 
yoz milo

on spouse's violence, there are different threshold levels for each and everyone of us - but generally higher for the abused wives belonging to our mums' era prob due to certain traditional values. so i believe it's more likely that May's line of thoughts on the physical abuses rightfully lean towards self-respect and self-dignity.

yes, there are relationships and marriages that also survived other big-time issues such as gambling, bankruptcy and infidelity...

but in this case, May was the physically-abused party and if there's any thing more crucial - it's her call to decide Enough is enough.


scope,

you wrote: "Then violence comes... not important. If it didn't come, you won't love the man as well. Simply... you took the vow as if the vow never existed."

i beg to differ that the factor of violence is not important - the love for hubby is a totally different matter altogether.

because even if she truly does, it doesn't make sense to endure the two blows because of your theory of true love. only she would know the best time to break free.
 
hi may,

thanks for clarifying your efforts to be supportive and to help him, there is a difference if u had tried and if you did not. Will you help me understand how you have been emotionally supportive?

I can understand your frustration when u pay for petrol and he gallivants...but, incompatible? Then why u marry him in the first place? You didn't love him at all?

yes i have been in relationships before, but no i do not think i need or want to talk about it. If you feel that my lack of talking discredits what i say, fine, suits you. How you live has no impact on my life after all.
 
scope,

what's so farking funny when she doesn't love him (enough) to accept his violence and empty (and defensive) talks?
 
Hi Vios,

I was refering to:
"assuming that May's relevations on her marriage are factual, i think you should stop all the talks on "her inability to go through good and bad times" thingies... and look carefully in the direction that she Intends to tread with him - yes, even though she has openly admitted her ill-exposure at that time led her to marry for security, and was her mistake.

His current perspective - what's wrong with having kids even if i am broke now? what's wrong with me even if i still solely depend on the reducing family fortune? what's wrong with you such that you have to keep reminding me abt my finances?

i seriously find a need to question any one in here who doesn't question this sort of mentality...

and May is right on the account that he's spineless - given that as a Guy, he is not doing anything feasible on seeking an alternative income - and still kpkb when he is provided for. so this part, i totally will concur that he is freaking spineless - if ever, he don't wake up from his blardy ideas and still keeping up with his farking useless pride."

Interesting. LOL~

By the way, why do you think I was laughing? Curious...

LOL~

In any case... Violence... Empty talks... 打是疼骂是爱 and Sweet nothings... LOL~

I don't think you really understand May's issues, Vios. LOL~

But I enjoy watching anyway... ... I'd throw in more 'suan-ings' later, and you'd know why. ^.^
 
May, you should know yourself best, smoke screens are smoke screens. The violence was just a catalyst, you gonna leave him sooner or later.
And Vios, read a bit deeper and in between lines. Read not only in this thread, read more...
No point firing off blindly, cos i wont be amaze how shallow you will be.
 
May, i think your dad knows how you think, what you value in life and what are you are looking for. So it is not the drama-mama thingy that sets him thinking that your marriage was based on money.
Anyway, daddy here may already know what their kids are... at least those who observe.
 
scope,

yes i wrote that mainly because i don't see the point to Reiterate that she is not doing her job as a supportive wife because she already married for the wrong reason in the first place liao...

and for such reason (likely without much love in the first place), it's quite futile to question her stand about sharing good or bad times / weal or woes, these sort of stuffs... esp. when the hubby is also not willing to help himself, second of all.

thirdly, it's totally fine to seek the kind of Quality life as she grows with experience and through exposure - no one should currently fault her, well unless, it is misinterpreted in other ways.

duh, and we're talking about physical inflicts by spouses - not childhood fights with siblings.
 
kenturik

u sibeh talk cock... u telling me to read between the lines when u did nothing but basically posted a brief summary of May's story as if no one else could understand.

and then, the funny part is that u concluded your summary with stuffs like "i think your dad knows u well enuff."
 
Vios,

You... still got it wrong. ^.6

Think more carefully, Vios. May is not that hard to 'see through'. And you could be very wrong about her ex-husband. LOL~

You don't understand the politics behind a family kingdom... obviously.
 
hey scope

it's alright. i don't need you to play judge.

and u certainly can disagree with me on the husband. it's just my personal take on him.


hey kenturik

i certainly don't need a moron like you to explain stuffs to me... your "summary" said it all liao.
 
Vios, no relationship work like a rule book. This is the point that I would like to highlight to may. In a way, her husband self destruct. His pride and ego took a blow too great for him to bear. I Dunn think its his fault fully. Partly, it was due to his comfortable life and upbringing. I am not excusing his behavior. Rather, simply to let may to understand what her husband is going through.

For sure, we all have limits but the idea that once there is violence, its game over is a pretty naive view. Its precisely because we have different threshold, we need to understands why he would turn violent? What trig it? In every relationship, we Dont base on some rule to decide if it can be savaged or not.

In the nutshell, they grew apart and the differences are too much. The violence is reflection on how hard they ate fighting each other. Till a point that her husband lost himself.
 
yoz milo

notice that i emphasized on an individual's threshold on violence? for whatever "valid" reasons coming from the abuser, the ideal time to pack the bags can only be decided by the abused party. to be possibly deprived of life owing to that very cause, he/she might not want to take a chance.

and seriously, i doubt May would not understand the shit that the husband was going through, given that the first wave of violence had been forgiven.
 
Still, it aren't the violence that broke the marriage. That conclusion is like a wrong diagnosis.
 
Vios,

Let me ask you a very simple question... Denise80 painted a scenario which May 100% 'admitted', which is about her husband's Outburst upon her.

Great disappointment usually comes from great hope and great investments... LOL~

I don't think Milo and you got the husband that right. I am not here to judge, I am here to have fun. LOL~

Vios, can you guess... in a kingdom of struggle for interests, what high hope would May be expected of?

What kind of husband would have invested so much on a wife?

Violence from such a husband... doesn't come without a reason, my dear Vios and Mr Milo.

LOL~

May already screamed the answer... all you have to do is to pick it up. You have to figure out the husband using reverse psycho in this case. Then you will know why her ex-husband told her "I don't want to hear...".

May... are you 'too independent'? LOL~
 
so in this case how can we make it a gainful experience for may here. Or is it supposed to be gainful even? Or is this merely a place to complain and vent?

may what are u here for?
 
Hweebs,

Let me suggest one professional something.
Cases like this one... usually useless to suggest anything.

They are 'too smart for their own good'.

BTW, forget about the swatter thing... Why not try a wonderbra or a G-string instead? LOL~
 
hi hweebs,

i asked you about your personal experience because i want to know how counsellors conduct their own personal relationships. i thought that your personal experiences could open a new insight to me.

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If you feel that my lack of talking discredits what i say, fine, suits you. How you live has no impact on my life after all.
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Hweebs, you are right in stating the obvious, because nothing that happens here has any direct impact on how real life. understood that we are all here for virtual interaction and the mental stimulation from having meaningful discussions. and we have been having meaningful discussion, hweebs. you have asked some pertinent questions, and i have been mentally stimulated, so how has it not been meaningful? is it only meaningful when people agree with you, hweebs?

but i have a question - you seem to think that i do not find you credible, when i was not going in that direction. is this a reflection of your insecurity instead? and one more question - IF (i am only saying IF) in real life, your client does not find you credible, does it really not matter to you? will you dismiss it as your client's ignorance, or will you take it as a point to self-reflect?

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so in this case how can we make it a gainful experience for may here. Or is it supposed to be gainful even? Or is this merely a place to complain and vent?

may what are u here for?
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i am not complaining or venting, hweebs. i am telling my story here because Albee asked me about my story. and i have been responding to thought-provoking responses by other forummers, including yourself. even if i am complaining and venting, this is a Forum for Matters of the Heart, and so makes it an appropriate place to do so. as an open forum, both you and i have the right to be here.

i appreciate anyone who reads my account of what happens, even if you think i am wrong, even if you think i am right, even if you think that i have a bad character. what matters to me here is that someone out there will read my account of what happened to a 30yo salarywoman living in a 2010 singapore. i just want to voice it out and not bottle it. i want to be listened to, that is why i come here. if i do not want to be listened to, i will write down everything, seal the paper in a container and throw it into the ocean, or burn the paper, or whatever. i appreciate all your feedback, but that does not mean that i will agree with what everyone said.

the thing is, hweebs, i respond to your question by asking you too - why are you here and what are you doing here? apparently, you find what we write here interesting or thought-provoking as well, that is why you respond. some forummers say that they are here to mock at other forummers, or to laugh at people (the constant LOL), then spend their own precious time to type out the mocking or the laughing responses, then i think those forummers have insulted and discredited themselves more than anyone else.

in summary, whether i accept or do not accept the advice the forummers give me, does not increase or reduce my right to be in this forum.

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so in this case how can we make it a gainful experience for may here. Or is it supposed to be gainful even? Or is this merely a place to complain and vent?
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gainful experience? hweebs, forummers are not counselling solution providers. i find discussion in itself meaningful and i enjoy being aware of different points of view. and you have provided that. or else i wouldnt have spent 20min typing out this response, hweebs.
 
hi may,

counsellors are people too...it's not possible to understand how counsellors conduct their personal relationship via questions to me. For your question, I will say that my relationships are value laden: honesty, trust, unconditional acceptance, support, and of course, having some similar values in life. I am currently not in any relationship, because I dun want to cheat myself and another person by being with someone unsuitable. I will do almost anything for my friends and will go all out to help them. As for my clients, I uphold confidentiality and maintain a safe containment while giving support professionally.

why are u here for? This question is really more for me than for you. Why am I typing here? Well, I am here to help, or at least try to be helpful. I am not trying to condemn you or what, but if you are just here to talk and vent, and not really into finding out why or seeking opinions and growing, then I will not challenge you in order for you to grow. You see, it's what you want that affects what I communicate to you. So if you just want to vent, then i will listen and not do anything else. I am not diminishing your right to be here, just clarifying what you want. Like you say, you find the discussion meaningful...that's all right to me... you have already found it gainful.
 
Why are we even analyzing may's marriage?

She is not here to rant about her marriage or is she asking for help to save her marriage.. Her mind is set..

And what is the point of analyzing and finding faults.. with her? With her hb?

I think on the whole she has been consistent in her responses. She did not put blame squarely on anyone..

If she is happy with what she is doing now.. and she is not complaining about it, why bother?

She started the thread with wicked friends. And as I said, it is a reflection of her - the hb she chose and the friends she made. We can't really blame our friends or hb's friends for being wicked.. they are they, we can't change them. But we can change our friends or even our spouses.
 
Vios and Ken,

the response here is a cross-section of the responses that i would have gotten in real life. some people would sympathise with me and understand my POV, some people will slam me and say that i am inexcusable. i would not have the liberty to go around telling my story in real life, that is why i come here for the safety of virtual interaction.

Money is an emotive thing and people attach all sorts of morals to it.

to illustrate, i paint an alternative scenario:

"I graduated from ITE and earn S$900 per mth in my first job. when i was 22 yo, i met a man earning S$2,300 per mth. he said that he love me very much and we get along very well. i liked him very much too as he was very nice to me.

last time, my parents fight a lot. my mother get into a lot of trouble. i feel very frustrated at home. when this man propose to me, i asked him whether we will have place to stay when we get married, since i earned very little he had to take charge on this kind of money matters. he said that he is looking at a four room flat. i said ok, sounds like a good idea. since you and i get along well, and you can provide me a safe living condition if i marry you, then let's go ahead.

after that, he told me he got no money no budget to buy a 4-room flat. he asked me if buy 3 room flat can or not. i feel disappointed because at first he told me can buy 4-room flat. but still i said ok, 3-room then 3-room.

5 years later, my husband lost his clerical job through retrenchment. he became very bad-tempered and was angry all the time. after that, often he goes to the coffeeshop to get drunk or to waste time chatting all night with his friends.

in the meantime, i try ways and means to get new job for husband. i also started to pay for things in the house. not only did he not appreciate my effort, he lashes out on me, says that i look down on him. he hit me once when he was tipsy, but begged for forgiveness. on condition of his promise that he will not do it again, i forgave him.

since i got pay raise, my husband said let's have children. but i see him so financially unstable, i have no confidence we can create good environment for the child, so i said no. he got very angry and said that this is another evidence that i look down on him.

then the second time, we have huge quarrel. he broke his promise and hit me again. now i am very frightened of him. he was not drunk this time. i have lost trust in this person, as he did not do as he promised not to hit me. also, the other things that he promised over the years, eg. flat also never delivered.

what should i do? this has been going on yrs, i don't know what to do"

if it were this scenario, i believe that people will not say that (1) this girl married for money and (2) this girl left him because her husband no longer has money. because the two earned very little to start with, so it is not possible that the relationship started and ended because of money.

how is my situation different from this girl? my husband may have more money than this guy, but it boils down to the same thing - at first the man appears to be someone who is capable of providing a woman with safe and secure environment to be together. just because this man was rich to begin with, then people think that i must be a greedy gold-digger who would not have married him if not for his initial wealth. if i said that i would still marry him if he were this hypothetical guy i described above who earned S$2,300 per mth and who promised me a 4-rm HDB (place to live after married), i dont think anyone would believe me.

how am i different from this hypothetical girl i described? i am essentially the same in that i was only a young thing seeking security with a man who was good to me initially. both of us were given empty promises throughout our marriage. the only difference is that i am confident in leaving, while the girl above is hesitating.

the confidence in leaving is what people think makes a gold-digger. i guess, in general, people do not expect ordinary girls to be so confident in leaving marriages. i think they expect girls to cry, to cling, to hesitate. a woman who does not hesitate appears SCHEMING, and so appears more like a gold-digger.

if i had written my account in above manner, i have a strong feeling that 70% of forummers will jump in saying that i should leave my husband. but just because i mentioned that my husband used to be wealthy, my motives are viewed as dishonourable.

anyway, regardless, Vios and Ken, thanks for reading. because i write here exactly in order to express myself.
 
may,

Ha ha.. it makes no different to me the 2 scenarios..

I would have come to the same conclusion about what I think..

But I suppose, who cares even if you marry for money... and who cares what other people will be thinking?

It is your life.. you live it the way you want to be.. as long as you don't intentionally hurt other people..

Seriously, I can't stand women who prefer to live in misery, suffering quietly while their hb abuses them - physically or mentally.. They may find strength in being about to suffer hardship - but I called it stupidity.

Modern woman, like what you have done.. should choose her own happiness.. and if you can find someone to share the happiness that would be wonderful.. If you met the wrong person, then it is perfectly alright to start all over again.

If I am your hb, I would give you my blessing for leaving
 
why analyse ah? Because as we discuss the topic drags further and further until i got distracted and had the impression that she was looking for some kind of help or solution within herself. So, wrong liao lor. I think it's a rather common misunderstanding in life bah, that when people want to express their view or opinion and then somehow people start thinking that the person has a problem that needs solving, then everyone became problem solvers.

Paiseh ah, may. Got kind of lost and misinterpreted your intentions.
 
scope

u're inferring to which hk drama serial, yet again?

reverse psych... my farking arse.

indeed denise's post on His Perspective was as real as it should be, but u tried to take it further with your half-baked mind readings.

u might have made some sense in other threads but sorry, your semi-pro "psychology" doesn't necessarily applies to every individual like how u deem fit - for entertainment's sake.
 
Violence from such a husband... doesn't come without a reason, my dear Vios and Mr Milo.

Funnie... isn't that what I'm trying to say all the long??

May, I'm not slamming you at all. Nor am I'm standing for the you should stand by your whimpy husband. I think its the right move to divorce for you. It was a bad selection in the 1st place. You guys were never really compatible. Just during that time, your financial situation was the priority and hence you had a differing view towards the future of the marriage. But, I don't think you should fault the marriage breakdown to the violence. It was never the cause but rather the outcome of the broken marriage with lots of conflicts, grudges and resentments accumulated.

What you should realize... the reasons you pointed out for the failure are only one side of the story. You were in the marriage too. You had a part to play for its breakdown as well. The marriage was started with the wrong intention to begin with. And things build from there. Both of you are just as disappointed in the marriage.

While Scope might be slamming you, I'm only agreeing to his post at July 01, 2010 - 4:39 pm. And Kent made a very valid pt on July 01, 2010 - 9:02 pm. The violence was a reason you were looking for to end the disfunctional marriage. Just as how the American government was looking for the reason to invade Iraq. I'm not saying that 911 was a good or right thing. I'm saying 911 could be an inside job and even if it isn't, the US government wanted it. The violence merely gave you the opportunity and reason to officially legitimate the termination of the lost marriage.

Ask yourself deep inside and tell me I'm wrong.
 


Vios, maybe you should stop your childish screaming and profanity. Aint hearing you with so much screaming... is that the way you argue yourself thru? Screaming and shouting? drowning all reasons.... hahahaha... Childish Kid!
 
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