To proceed with separation or not?

U

unhappymummy

New Member
We have been married for 4 yrs, having a child turning 2. 3yrs ago, I committed adultery, he knows and maybe have some proofs that I've done it. I admit that he has been mentally tortured during that period of time, cos I kept wanting to leave him for another married man. But he pleaded and pleaded, until I stayed with him and giving up the other.
I gave birth to my baby, in order to reconcile the relation, hoping with a baby, our family can be more complete. But... these 3 yrs, he has been verbally insulting me of my acts (every 2-3mths once) using very crude words which I think no one can take it. Even during pregnancy, he nvr stopped insulting me whenever we quarrel.

3 yrs of trying, and I'm not getting back the man who used to love me wholeheartedly, I really wonder wad to do... I've seeked lawyer's advice, maybe opting for a separation might me the way out, leaving him alone to think if he still wants me to be loved by him? or to take revenge and torture me mentally?
Lawyer fees will cost $500 to do the DOS, but I wonder if I were to discuss with him, will he agree? My baby sleeps with both of us everynite, leaving him, I'll apply for custody of my baby.. But, will my baby be used to having only 1 parent everynite? But I really cannot take it to stay with a man who always verbally insults me anymore. any advice?
 


I'm sure it's his, cos we had this baby after I stopped contacting the other guy.. But I ever asked him to test DNA, proof that my baby dun belongs to him, then i can just solely take custody without any arguements.
 
He says "dun need u to teach me wad to do"..
So, he's telling me he has done it? or wad?
I had this baby to try salvage our relation.. but wad did i get in return?
 
But he dotes our baby alot.. he just can't get over the past.. He can forgive, but not forget..
How long more do i have to tolerate his insults?
 
go ahead and file for divorce on improper behavior of him. like insultation, fault accusation, etc. this stand a good chance to even kick him out of your life at a short time.

the baby is innocent . with this kind of crazy husband with you, who suspect the baby is not his, and did not bother to check DNA. u r wasting your time with him.

if he want u back he should forget what had happened. he insulted u based on the adultery who u commited last time. and u made a wrong choice by accepting him again.

u should just leave him. it's bad that you got the baby.
 
Unhappy

U hv the baby just to hope it will help to reconcile your relationship with him? I think its a very stupid decision and I cannot comprehend it. Now the baby have to deal with this shit of a broken family when she grow up.

I also thnk that the best solution is to go for divorce becos it is very obvious tht he still cannot forgive and accept wht you hv done even after 3 yrs and I think he shd not be blamed. Most people are just unable to forget, forgive and accept totally whenever betrayed by their spouse especially man.

I wonder how many couples have reconciled under such situation and lead a 'normal' life, like wholeheartedly forgiveness and trust their spouse without doubt again, to me, very difficult, once broken its broken, never be the same again.

Sometime, reconciliation might not be the best outcome but divorce is.
 
Tks all for your advices..

He wanted me to listen to him like a puppet; ie; listening to him and do wad he says, I wun go wrong again. But pls lor, I'm a human with my own thoughts, if u r reasonable I'll listen to u.. But if u r not, pls get out of my life..

The whole quarrel issues these 2 yrs is actually abt quitting smoking.. I'm a smoker since we knew 15 yrs back, quitted cos I have my baby during pregnancy. After she stopped breastfeeding, I started smoking again.. But he, insisted that I have to quit once and for all, and nvr smoke anymore. He himself is a smoker, should know that smoking, is just something we wana do whenever u feel stressful or tired, maybe let's say it's a habit.. I agree with my cousin, who says smoking dun make u feel less stress, but rather than no way to let out, this is just something a smoker feels like doing when stressful..

I've told him dat I can't quit, but no compromise given.. He said I promised him to quit (which he forced me to), and I have to keep my promise. If not, how will he be able to trust me anymore?

I think this is more like a topic to quarrel, and not a problem to solve. He dun wana give way, and initially I thought, quitting smoking will keep my family happy again.. But, after all the quarrels abt this issue, I'm sure that this is just my part of wishful thought.

This man is not going to forget what I've done to him for the rest of his life. And I, I think I'll just have to move on without him, I might be happier..

I'm going to let him know my decision for separation, if he dun agree, I'll straight go file for custody of child..
 
you smoke because you dont have a replacement habit that can give you the same level of 'release'/ 'relaxation'. perhaps you need to adopt a new habit in order to kick this habit.

for goodness sake, just kick the habit. for a start just open your mouth look in the mirror and check the teeth. aint it disgusting.

stop quoting your cousin to justify this habit. she wont be the one paying your medical bill when you get struck down by cancer.

anyway, for your case it is entirely destructive to stay together. you are right. you should leave him.
 
Hi Unhappy

I do not think that your husband has "forgiven but not forgotten". In essence, he has not forgiven you at all.

Yes, forgetting is impossible... it may just fade a little. But you may want to remind him that the act of forgiveness has to come from him, and the fact that he keeps bringing up your mistakes and using it on you clearly means that he has not forgiven you for that.
 
Tks again for all ur advices..
Finding a topic to start a quarrel and indirectly raking up the past from him makes me feels so exhausted.. I've tried to make up to him these 3 yrs and dat has not improved our relation..
Tolerating his nonsense cos of my baby.. But I think I won't anymore, cos I'm too mentally stressed out to give my baby more attention.. I'll just go ahead with wad I tink is best for us..
Letting him go= letting myself go...
 
Hi All,

I tink i need help on child custody issues.. I dun tink my hubby will be so kind to negotiate terms and sign a DOS willingly. He will not let the baby stay with me, hence I'm turning to the other option; to opt for custody of child..

My lawyer appt is tomoro, hoping today, u all can help by providing more info.. My lawyer suggest that i go for custody of child interim, dat will cost abt $1.5k, is dat the normal rates? (if u were to know).
Anymore things to pay for after dat? will that be all for applying for my child's custody?

Please help.. tks!
 
Proceed. the rest will take care of itself... the lawyer is paid to think n work for your interest, leave them to do wat's best and just leave them to come back to u on A, B or C.

decision to have the baby was stupid, but the baby's entry into your lives may be the best thing to happen, so keep a positive mind... Move Forward.

doesn't matter who is right, wrong or more right more wrong.
 
Unhappy, beware of lawyers who encouraged you to fight for sole child custody unnecessarily, without prompt you to try to talk it out with your husband.
 
my lawyer asked me to go for DOS initially.. but i think my hubby wun agree, hence I'm not wasting $$ and time for it.. This lawyer quite ok ba, till now haven say fight for sole custody or wad..
 
Powder, having a baby to sustain a relationship is really stupid.. I ruined a young girl's life with the upcoming situation she has to face..

But i never regretted giving birth to her, she is the only hope that keeps my life going on, concentrating on my career to give her the best.. Without her, I dun tink i will be so hardworking to strive in my career..

I'll surely move forward, rather than depending on someone who I've lost hope, I'd rather work harder and give my baby the best I can.. Tomoro is a better day!
 
Doll, I'll just leave and be separated from him. I've seeked legal advices before, if I can date the day I started separating from him, 3 yrs from dat date we can divorce, if no mutual agreement, 4 yrs..

I'm not rushing to build a new family of my own, 3 to 4 yrs is not an issue.. Most impt is, I'm getting my own life back.. =)
 
But you have said "My lawyer suggest that i go for custody of child interim, dat will cost abt $1.5k, is dat the normal rates?". Isn't he encouraging you on something?
 
He gave me the options.. if DOS my hubby dun sign, then go ahead with custody of child.. cos i wanted my baby with me, and most impt legally.. no black and white, i dun trust my hubby will abide..
 
o.O then how much will all cost in total? Anything else after this custody stuff? I'm really blur and need ppl who can give me advices..
 
Not sure because your husband may contest every piece of document your put in - child custody, cild support, alimony and/or division of assets.

Separation he can't contest because you have the free will to decide that you want to live a separate life.
 
unhappy,

Why are you asking us?

Ask your lawyer how much it will cost.. in total - including the divorce.

DOS is a waste of money if hb is not signing.
 
So, better to ask lawyer straight? cos i scared later i do this liao he say got other complicating stuffs.. like hidden cost which i dunno ones. I've nvr been thru this, so I dunno how the whole thing works.. so sorry for being so ignorant..
 
nah, dun think u ruined her... decision is stupid, but life isn't. i just needed to point out the decision that's all... else life is a wonderful miracle.

dun do the womanly thing and worry abt the future... instead - plan for the future. u'll be fine, at least u're a whole lot better than pple who have no courage to step out of such crap marriages.
 
More like unknown costs rather than hidden costs. Lawyer can advise you a rough figure based on previous cases handled in similar fashion. But he cannot predict what your husband will do in retaliation.
 
doll, from wad i know from his financial status, he wun have spare $$ to find a lawyer to do those stuffs.. we have no assets issues now, only child support and alimony.

I'm not going to ask for unreasonable amount, I know how much he earns, will keep it reasonable.

Hope everything will go well and not wasting each others' $$ into lawyers' pockets.
 
start planning your own financials liao... Exclude him in your plans... if money comes from him, it's a bonus... else plan based on yourself with an extra kid.
 
powder, I've been pondering over this issues for months, finally dun wana be hurt emotionally anymore..

It takes a lot of courage, to be single, and to leave the one u love.. tks alot for ur advice.. =)
 
I nvr wanted a single cent from him, which I dun tink he has extra for me.. I can jolly well support me and my baby well.

But the baby belongs to both of us, no maintenance fee for me, also need child support $$, if not, pls dun come see the baby anymore..
 
I begin to enjoy this forum again..

I was in this forum 4 yrs ago before marriage, but I got conned by mahjong pals from this forum, hence, i stopped coming by..

Hope those evil ppl are not here anymore.. =p
 
It is reasonable to ask for child support $. But please, even if he has no money to give maintenance - it is not right to stop him from seeing baby.

Why must we be so narrow-minded? Seeing the baby is for the good of the baby.
 
if partners have to verbally abuse each other, i personally feel no meaning liao... why need to hurt each other...
 
Agree with powder. You have made a mistake but doesn't mean he has the right to torment you for years. If cannot forgive just walk away.
 
sm, I'm not trying to be mean.. He everything also wants to be fair.. is like how much I've hurt him, he's returning me back.. I want him to pay fair share of everything.. I'm can support myself, my baby can't.. I need to secure her interest also, in case my business fails..

May, I think they collaborated to cheat my $$ lor, I was always alone at home after marriage, then found mahjong kakis thru this forum.. Sometimes playing at my place, sometimes theirs, but everytime oso lose.. Not possible de lor, cos mahjong sure got win and lose.. I'm not a new player, so surely kana scammed liao..

Powder & doll, tks again for all your precious advices.. =)
 
Like i said, I just wana secure my baby.. I dun need anything from him for myself.. I just want to state things black and white for him to abide, if he were to tell me he's financially tight, I'll accept the fact too.

If my biz goes well, I can be independent financially with me and my baby's expenses.. More like a security for me to make it stated down, cos who knows he might not abide 1 day?

I no longer believe in verbal promises anymore from hiim..
 
But you have said he is good to the daughter. It means your girl is and would be happy to see him regularly. Why deprive her?
 
Maybe I need some time to cool things off.. alot of verbal insults from him really made me pissed off with this man.

I know my girl will surely miss him, in fact, if he's in the right mind, should accept the timetable I'm going to set for the baby.. Fri to sun, baby will stay with him, cos i know, dat is his only free time for her.. While I'll take care of her mon to thurs.

I want a more balanced time between both of us accompanying her, though we can't go out as family of 3 anymore, but I wun want her to miss out fatherly love too.

I might be harsh and straight in my words, maybe still haven cool down.. but I know that eventually, I'll give in cos it's for my baby's good.
 
Nothing more to expect anymore.. the barrier between both of us is getting bigger and bigger..

Maybe it's my fault dat he dun feels secure anymore, no matter wad, since he chose to stay with me, why can't the past be past?

No point saying or doing anymore things, when the relationship always has questions in it..
 


your husband doesn't seem to be in the marriage for love but rather his pride. He just cannot take it. If you want to work on a relationship, then both needs to let go and not find fault. No one is unfallable. Its damn stupid to be stuck in sour mode like a broken recorder.
 
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