To proceed with separation or not?

I tot so too.. He's just too scared to lose face if we were to divorce 3 yrs ago..

I like ur quote "broken recorder"! I've said to him dat he's like a broken recorder repeating n repeating the same old topic.. Really listen and quarrel until mentally exhausted..

Now dat I'm initiating the separation, think he will hate me for life..
 


There's alot of experience forumer here. Ask for some a good lawyer to proceed with separation.

when u are old already. he will still bring out the history and this kind of shit go on and on. some people just like to rack up the past to hide their mistake.

in marriage, in work, or simple just friend.

i got this colleague he did something wrong 3 years back when he is a newbie. the company didn't lose money on his mistake, but in the other round, earned $$$ by his another mistake. so the project was obtained, completed. but the bad mouthed boss still go around talking about him lossing money for the company. thus 3 years, not a single cent of increment, yesterday is his last day, i bless him with luck.

it's like that, u commited adultery, your husband is the same as that wicked boss who doesn't bother the "time have passed" and still rack up the "history". this kind of people won't be living happily. human must learn to move on and forgive and forget.
 
Hi all, tks for all your advices.. I've proceeded with a divorce, the lawyer will send him the letter next week.. Cos I've asked all the procedures;

To obtain custody of child and b separated, 3-4 yrs down the road, need to spend another $2-3k for divorce..
Divorcing now basing on unreasonable behaviour, getting custody of child cos less than $3k if he dun contest..

So I see no point wasting $$ and time, hence going to divorce straight.. Dun even wish to reconcile cos it's no use at all..
 
I'm going to present the documents to him after I bring my baby out of the house.. Giving him the last surprise he could expect in our relation..

If can talk nicely, who dun wish to.. But if he knows my intention to get custody of child, he will just ask me to go out of the house myself..
 
doll, I'm a self employed person.. Joint custody with mon-thurs baby with me, fri to sun with him.. this is what I've proposed asking my lawyer to state in the letter to him.

Weekdays, he's working, I can plan my schedules, hence I'll let him take care only weekends while he's not working.. Weekends I'll too be busy with work, cos I'm doing retail sales. Lawyer has said that my proposal is reasonable enough, if he's smart enough, should accept it. No point going through the hassle to appeal of fight for custody of child.

I intend to pass the lawyer letter to my sis in law, telling her what has been going on between us these 3 years. Hoping that his family members, won't come my parents' place to make a big fuss over this issue. I think letting his family knows about the whole matter is the best solution. (they have no clue abt what happened 3 yrs ago and now).
 
Now I only worry he dun accept the fact dat I'm divorcing him, and drag the process only.. I just went up to the law firm just now, maintenance fee for child is $500, mine $300. Subsequent fees for child playgroup or school will be split equally. Just signed the draft, waiting for the actual letter to be out..
 
We have a hdb which is yet to be completed, only paid the downpayment.. I've requested to get ownership and stay with my baby, waiting for hdb approval on whether is it possible or not. I've also state that I'll return his CPF that he has paid..
 
I have a few more questions if u ppl can advise me on:

1. If he dun agree to the terms I've stated in the divorce letter, he can dun sign? Does he need to engage a lawyer to contest to my terms?

2. Anyone knows exactly how long it takes for uncontested divorce?

3. Lawyer draft the letter already, the secretary asked me to go back discuss with hb the terms??? She must be crazy! How to discuss when I want to do it on my part only? I know surely it'll be an easy job for them if it's mutually agreed, but, am I not allowed to ask the lawyer prepare the letter, and any amendments needed, change again? Got charge one meh?

I SMS the lawyer today, asking when will the letter b ready, cos I wana get out asap.. But he nvr reply me...
 
1. Yes, if he don't agree to the terms that it will be contested in court. He will most probably need to engage a lawyer but it is possible for him to be in court by himself (provided, he is familiar with the court procedure). It would be an unlikely scenario

2. If no contest, then total time from the moment you engage lawyer till absolute will be at least 5 to 6 months.. it can be longer if your lawyer is not proactive enough.

3. The lawyer is not crazy. It is better for you to agree with hb on the terms before putting on paper. Don't give him surprise.. as human nature - he will likely not to agree and will also state unreasonable terms. It is a lose-lose scenario. If you can talk to him nicely and agree on the terms - then it is just formality. She don't want the lawyer to spend too much time to and fro and change here and there. It will cost you more money.

Why you SMS lawyer? Call the lawyer.. don't SMS and expecting a response.
 
Sm, the lawyer has court cases ytd and today oso.. Dats y the secretary asked me to SMS him..

I also wish that I can discuss wif hb before I move out with the baby.. But alerting him now will only make him asking me to leave without the baby. I do not wish to be separated from my baby for too long (cos the procedures won't complete so soon) how?

What should I actually do? Really lost, just wish to leave him asap..
 
You still need to discuss with baby.. you can't just take baby and run.

Who is taking care of baby now?

If he can't take care of baby during weekdays, then why won't he allow you to take care?

You can ask your lawyer about interim custody.
 
My MIL is taking care of the baby on Mon, Wed and fridays, while I'll bring her over to my mum place to take care on tues and thurs. Sat, sun, hb take care.. (we staying with MIL)...

So, can I move out with my baby and on that very night, I ask him out to discuss? Cos applying for interim custody also takes time..

Now that we're not talking to each other anymore, I dunno how long more I can take it, going back a place I dun feel like home..
 
Is there someone who will be taking care of your baby on Mon-Fri after moving out? You need to think in the interest of your baby on whether to move out on your own or take her with you.

He can agree to the divorce and contest the proposed terms on anciliary matters. Or he can contest the entire divorce application, and that will take more time.
 
I'll be taking care of her myself, or my mum will take care of her if I need to go work.. So, baby part will be settled well, I only need to employ more part timers to help in my biz..
 
If he doesn't agree to divorce, he cannot just sit there and do nothing. He will need to file a contest with the court, likely through a lawyer or approach legal aid if he meets the criteria. If he only doesn't agree to the terms on the anciliary matters, he can talk to you and negotiate further.
 
Ok, so it means that it's either he finds a lawyer to contest, or we negotiate the terms till both party agree.. Is dat rite?

FYI, he dun meet the criteria for legal aid.. But he's in debt.. Can't even gimme $$ for the past 1 yr to buy baby stuffs..

He used to give me $400 and his mum $800 per month, after he asked me to cut abit on the amt he's giving me, I straight tell him dat after buying all baby necessities, left with less than $100, in a fit of anger, I told him might as well dun give..
He really took my words and since dec'09, he has not been giving me a single cent..

Now dat he's still paying his mum $800 for taking care of baby and the expenses (we stay wif her), I wan to propose he gives his mum only $400 after I leave, and the $800 for me and baby ($500 baby $300 me). Do u think is ok?
 
I've been told by the lawyer to put in first, something we can bargain on later.. I dun really need him to support me, but my baby's maintenance amt I intend to give my mum as I'm staying at her place..

I've been supporting myself and baby for food since dec'09. Additional expenses like a place to stay,etc, I scared I dun have enough.. My biz is just picking up, wana secure my baby's expenses in the event my biz is not doing well..
 
I don't necessary agree with lawyer's method.

If you know his situation and what he can afford and what he can agree - just agree with him privately. What is the point of adding in first then negotiate?

People get pissed off when other people ask for something that is beyond them and they are less amendable to negotiation.
 
So, I shall just request for my baby's maintenance only? I also dunno how will he react if on the actual day, I bring my baby leave and pass him the letter that very evening.. Really abit scared he becomes violent..
 
unhappy,

NO I am not saying that. You have to decide what you want and need.. what he can afford - to strike a balance.

If he is violent against you, report to police. It may be good to have someone with you on the day.
 
Oh, now I understand wad u tried to mean.. It's of course within his means to give maintenance for me and baby.. He's earning enough to cover all the household expenses for me, baby and his mum.. If he were to stop his biz which he joint wif his friend, I dun see any difficulty to maintain all these expenses. His biz is always needing to top up $$, which he is so secretive that I dun even know wad kinda biz he's in.. He said, how to tell me when I nvr proof to him to have enough trust in me? Wth.. I'm ur wife and dunno anything.. Really no point staying wif this kinda man who only trust himself only anymore..
If he used to give so much, ie; $1200 for all household expenses, I dun see in the future he has problems..
 
Baby now only need food and other necessities like clothings, etc. Care is taken care by either me or my mum. So if I'm asking $500 for baby, should be enough..

Now still waiting for the lawyer's letter... really sick of waiting and waiting, wana move out asap..
 
Now still waiting for hdb to reply on the BTO flat we've paid downpayment for.. Then only can file.. I've called up the secretary asking any way to prepare the custody of child interim stuffs 1st, while the divorce filings can wait till hdb reply.. Dunno can anot, haven get back to me yet..
 
your lawyer is probably right, even if you don't need a cent from him, get an amount inserted into the document for you to leverage upon...otherwise you can always propose he cut off ties with you and child if he doesn't want to support the child..
 
Ya, I'm leaving the maintenance amounts same, see what he says when I show him.. I intend to approach my sis in law, telling her what happened 3 yrs ago and till now.. His family members knows nothing abt wad happened, only my family knows..

I just need someone in his family to know, so that they wun come and make a big fuss.. Do u all think that I'm stupid to actually disclose this secret btw my hb and me? He always said he protect me, nvr let his family know, only himself suffering the agony.. This round, I hope someone in his family, will stand by him and not letting him suffer all these painful things again. Am I right? Or wrong?

I also hope that SIL can help persuade him to accept the terms and divorce in a way, both party can be in peace..
 
Clipperjunk, what is there to leverage? and cut off ties? Isn't that a little cruel to the child - not to mention the father. Yes he should pay maintenance for the child but child maintenance is not a pre-req to have access to the child. A child is not something that you can use money to control.

I have sole custody of my three children. My wife don't have to pay a cent for their maintenance (although I can ask) but I give my wife unlimited and very liberal access to the children - basically she can see them everyday. The benefit is for the children.
 
Sm, I thought over and over again how to solve this issue in a way, I won't hurt him so much again.. Even though we can't be couples, but I wana stay on good terms for the sake of my baby. Not that I dun love him anymore, in fact, I love him more than before marriage.. I just wana let go, for the well sake of him not facing me to remind him of the unforgettable past..

He has very strong pride, if SIL were to know, I supposed he will feel very 丢脸.. But not telling him thru his sis, I also dunno how he will react.. Any 两全其美 idea?
 
There is no 两全其美 idea.

YOu have to hurt him. Try find a good time to talk to him about what you are thinking. Don't have to be defensive or confrontational. If it gets heated up - walk away.. find another time.

After that, let the truth sinks in. And then negotiate on the custody and other matters.

This may shake him up a bit if he loves you. If he wants the marriage he need help to overcome his mental barrier. Otherwise, it is better for him to let you go..
 
I've enquired abt how to do the custody of child papers first with the law firm. Cos waiting for hdb to reply on the flat stuffs will take at least 3 weeks.. Mon going to see what the lawyer drafted again..

I dunno how to start the conversation with him saying what I'm planning.. Maybe I'll SMS him? But the last quarrel we had, he had an accident banging ppl car back.. He blamed me.. So I dunno this round, what will happen..
 
Be patient. Look at the draft of the divorce documents in it's entirety instead of in drips and drapes. Can give comments to lawyer at one go.
 
Already completed the letter, now awaiting when to send out.

So coincidence, today my SIL called me up to meet for coffee. She said MIL was concerned how come me and hb nvr talk to each other for 3 wks already.. So from there, we had a long talk..

I've started the story from 3 yrs back, all the detailed events that happened, all unhappiness and my plans for the future.. I've informed her abt the divorce issue, asking her to tell hb.. She asked me to give her some time, to think how to speak to hb regarding this, and get back to me by thurs..

Now, I'll just drag another 2 days, but definitely, thurs I'll move out already.. By then, see what SIL can convince him to let go in a amicable way..

Finally things are finalising, and I really feels relieved...

Tks again all for your advices, though it's not a smart choice to tell SIL. But this is a way, finding a middleman to help resolve the matter peacefully, hopefully to end troubles..
 
Why need to wait for when to send out the letter? If you have approved the contents by signing on it, it can be filed immediately with the court and at the same time forward a copy to him.
 
Just need to wait till i move out, then ask the law firm to send the letter.. Tomoro will be moving out already, so dun wana alert him till i'm out..
 
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