Spouse refuse to get a divorce. Help!

T

takeflight

New Member
Spouse refuses a divorce.

Quote young child as an excuse. Says young child should grow up in a complete family regardless of whether parents are happy.

All the inlaws and own parents are on spouse's side.
No one agreeing to the divorce.

What can i do? THere is no saving the marriage, and I don't see the need to at all.

Please advise how to convince spouse!
 


You should be seeking advice how to save your marriage and not to convince spouse to divorce. Have you done anything to save the marriage? Does your spouse want to save the marriage? You have to ask yourself carefully before the decision is made. Dont take divorce as the only resort. Talk and discuss, seek counselling, something good might happen.
 
Lynette,
Cannot means cannot.
U are not in the shoes.
Leave it alone lah....
High chances are she has someone else i mind!
 
hunky u are wasting ppl time .... do you know it is very selfish for you to do such actions ....

you feel is easy as you are not inside .. you feel since posting is free , you can just post anything you wan..

what do you know about them ? ... do you even know what is the thread starter name ? since you do not even know ... how you know cannot is cannont liao .. do you know whats their problem in marriage ? what are they facing .. how come even her own parents are againest the idea ...

stop bull shitting here if you dun mean to give others a helping hand..

i am ok with it but it just shows how emty ur EQ is
 
takeflight,

I'm a bit puzzled here.

It seems to me that you are the only one who wants the divorce.

What are the reasons? He/she did something bad? Another lover? Lost that chemistry? Or irreconcilable differences?

Since there are so many who are against it, try to confide in them. Express whatever grouses you have. And see if there are solutions.

After a marriage, people do sometimes meet others who they think are more suitable than their present spouses. Or when a big disagreement or lack of chemistry comes in, the easiest reaction is to press the D-button and explode the relationship.

But it is times like these where you need to find ways to strengthen the relationship even more.

I hardly know your situation but hope the little I can offer above helps. Maybe something bad really did happen. Of course, the final call is up to you.
 
Why is there a need to convince your spouse if you are already convinced?

Just separate and wait for the time to come to divorce.

Well your didn't provide much information and I have presumed that the marriage is beyond hope - it is when one party decides it is hopeless.
 
Thank you all for your response.

Yes, NO ONE else wants the divorce.

No third party involved, just lost all forms of feelings.

Even spouse knows that feelings are gone. Just refuse to let go for the excuse about the young child.

There is no more intimacy. No sharing of the same bed. No form of communcation except the "Your mum asking what time you coming back" kind of conversation.

Seeing/hearing/looking at spouse brings nothing. Actually even disgust once in awhile.

SM, that is the only step now.
Seeking lawyer to draft out paper then 4 years seperation.

Thank you everyone for your kind responses.
 
What actually happened in the period between your having a child and the present state where you said there is no longer any more feelings and intimacy?

1. Just before marriage, you 2 probably had that "loving feeling" and wanted to be together.

2. After marriage and before having the child, you 2 probably decided to want to raise a family.

The above are assumptions which I hope are true.

2 possibilities now. Either you 2 rushed into a marriage/married for the wrong reasons, or let the relationship go sour slowly but surely along the way.

If it's the first one, then it's messy. Cos a bad decision in marriage or blind following of "what other couples do" is always one that will bring regret and suffering later.

Perhaps you should then demand and make your point clear to them. Life is short. If you see little future with your hubby, and it's a torture, then what's the point. Maybe live outside home? But think VERY carefully the consequences.

If it's the second point, then it's time to seriously consider how to patch things up and bring those loving feelings back.
 
takeflights

sound like my friend's present situation. too many similars and i hope not a small world. In fact, she and her hubby also hv this "feelings gone" and their sex life also cease. Still they stay together for their young child sake. My friend "eat outside" once in a while.

U shd try to stay together with your spouse for your young child'sake. Dun just want a divorce just cos the feelings are gone. Be contend if your spouse is still good to u. Dun be too self-centred anymore.
 
Sylar, who gives you the right to call others name?


If a marriage is really beyond 'help' (be it feeling gone, can't stand each other, etc), i still feel one shouldn't stay in a marriage for the child. Sooner or later, resentment will set in and the child might be unhappy. Why not let the child grow up in a happy environment, even though with single parent?
 
What's there to advise on "Reconciliation" when 'takeflight' has been having this issue on her mind since mid last yr?

Moreover, i think she received a wedding band from another guy? Even she has broken off with that guy, it is pretty obvious that her heart is not in the marriage any more.

So, i am not surprised to see 'takeflight' seek help AGAIN. Gotta go thru' the separation period, if her hubby refuses on divorce.
 
Sylar is not calling anybody names. She/He is entitled to have her/his own opinion on the actions of Takeflight.

Many adults care too much of their own feelings rather than those of their kids. They contemplate divorce too easily. Since Takeflights claimed that there is no 3rd party, why is there a hurry to get divorced? I assume this is not an abusive relationship.

I suggest Takeflight consider for once the feelings of her kid and ask her child whether he/she wants daddy and mummy to be together or separate. I am sure the answer is very clear.
 
but if mommy and daddy stay together but have no feelings anymore - it's a farce, just a false united front and is it fair to either of them, or even to the child?

and even if they were to divorce, doesn't mean that they can't be on amicable terms for the child's sake .. just because parents are separated/divorced, doesn't mean that the kid(s) are loved any lesser than they are.
 
Why will it be unfair to the child if the parents stay together despite no feelings? People say ignorance is bliss. What the child doesn't know will not hurt him. But if parents separate, the child definitely will be affected. You can say I am biased because I have seen quite a few kids whose parents are divorced. They are clearly not developing well emotionally. Some of them play truant, get into BGR early and even join gangs in school. So far, I do not personally know any kid whose parents are divorced and who appear at least emotionally healthy. I am sure there are some out there who grow up fine but may be a small number.

When husband and wife divorce, it doesn't just affect 2 people. It affects the kids directly and other family members to a certain extent. Can't the parents make a small sacrifice for the kid especially since no 3rd party is involved? Maybe the love can be rekindled? How many times we have read of golden couples who got married on family arrangement and stayed married till death do they part? Ya, life is not perfect but at least we must try our best to make our marriage last.

In Takeflight's case, it looks to me that it is not a must-divorce case yet. I hope she can re-consider.

If after many serious delibrations and divorce is really no choice, then the parents must do their best to see that the kids grow up in as normal an environment as possible. With LOTS OF LOVE and assurance that mummy and daddy will not love them any less despite not being together.
 
do you really think that the child would be ignorant to what's going on?

i have not mentioned this here but my parents are divorced and my only regret was that they should have done it sooner than to wait! my father didn't want to divorce my mom then and for my mom, she decided to stay put for the kids .. all these years, you think it's nice for us kids to grow up seeing how our parents were treating each other .. seeing how my mom 'sacrificed' her youth for us, to put up with my father who no longer loved her but stayed just so that we can pretend that we are a family .. do you think that we are not affected by them staying together?

i would rather that they have divorced earlier and get on with their lives than to live the past years being miserable just for our sake ..
 
I second that... i have the same experience as cuclainne. I would be happy as long as my dad and mum are happy. They're not happy staying together, my dad always show black face whenever he's home. Most of the time he only smiles at me. My mum also cannot stand my dad. I know they stayed together because of me.

I wish i could have told them long ago, that I wont mind if they divorce, it's really ok. At least they still have chances to find their own happiness, instead of suffering all these years.
 
Thank you all for your responses.

Whether they're name calling ones, or not, it doesn't really matter at all.

For the ones who are supportive of the seperation, date has been set for the lawyer already.

For the ones who are not, I still thank you all for your responses with regards to the kids (for those i understand. Grew up in a similar family like twopiece, and parents were not happy at all. They got a divorce when my bro and I spoke to them about us knowing they were not happy and staying together for us.

Now my mum has remarried and moved overseas with her new husband, but still calls every so often. Dad also is married. And everyone is happier now.

Thank you all again.
 
It all depends on the couple, how they work at it. BOTH must work at it. If only one is striving, neither will the relationship work.

As in all the examples given, neither parents want to make their marriages work, their displeasure in each other's company affected the children. I don't think any child, especially a young one, will appreciate their parents part ways.

What constitutes a happy family? The parents are happy and the children are happy. Sure there'll be days of quarrels, heated arguments, cooling off periods, as well as passionate moments. These are ups and downs in any relationship cuz no 2 humans are alike, which sets us apart from animals. We have our own opinions and we form our own decisions.

My take on this is that, people are taking marriages too lightly these days. Over a little quarrel, over lost feelings. It is not a simple case of you reap what you sow because a relationship is about 2 persons, not 1. It is about giving and taking, although almost never in equal amounts. But BOTH you and your spouse have to work to make the relationship work. If one party only expects to receive and receive, then the relationship is simply a time bomb waiting for the giver's endurance to give up.
 
Sylar,

Well-said. But I'm not sure if what you've said applies directly to takeflight's case. The details are not clearly described.

I find nowadays, marital relatioships have become very complicated compared to the past, due to our lifestyle.

One big culprit is the Internet and all the digital tech stuffs. I mean, think about it. Today, we can be friends with strangers within minutes once we turn on our computers with internet connection. With a digital cam, we can send pics.

I've just read about a guy's marriage on the rocks cos he's hooked to online porn.

And with sms-es, we can be in touch with anyone within seconds.

Commiting adultery no longer needs to start slowly at the workplace. It can be faceless and in an instant.

In the past, it usually takes a sincere desire to know somebody well and decide carefully, Ok, this is the guy or gal I'm gonna marry. You don't just judge a person by face value, ie, see the appearance online, or send faceless sms-es.

Dating back then was done in person. You got to wait for days or weeks writing love letters to one another. No instant emails at all. So perhaps back then people cherished each other more?

Maybe that's why last generation's couples were to be more resilient when there are problems in the marriage? It's not as easy as now to get to know more people then. So they just work things out. Just a thot....

So how is the "digital lifestyle" to be blamed? I just find that things these days are done in an instant. Just like hooking onto the Net or sending an sms.

I'm not sure how good this is. So also in a marriage, people are gearing towards the "if I'm not happy in this marriage, I will divorce you". It's an instant lifestyle.

Of course, to be fair, not every divorce case is groundless. Some relationships turn out really bad after marriage that being apart seem to be the only way.

I don't subscribe to divorce generally, but if that is in the best interest to both parties and no other means can be used, then go ahead and divorce. A mistake is a mistake. We make one, hopefully we learn from it, and move on.

What amazes me and it can be a sad case, is that, couples will spend an inordinate amount of time selecting for gowns, asking how they can look pretty, where to buy this-that, which high class hotel they should book etc,etc. (Just read the other forums here.)

Not that these are wrong in themselves, but if the couple neglect the other bigger aspects in nurturing the marriage itself, then their priorities become questionable.

Just a few short years or even months down the road, it's "I want to divorce you." Rather than spending that precious time looking for all these material things, I think it's better to spend quality time crafting out how the marriage can be made to last forever.

Some will argue, what's the big deal about divorce. Not happy, just leave lah. Can always find another partner. (There's the Internet remember?) One person even got little brain to argue Divorce is not a sad thing. It's happy cos it's an end to a bad relationship.

For those who take marriage so lightly, I'd say, why bother getting married in the first place? If it's easy come easy go, might as well save the money and time -- Just co-habitate with different partners.

Welcome to the instant lifestyle.
 
Takeflight... is u the 1 that no longer have feeling or yr wife that no feeling for u? IF it is U that no feeling for her then i think u better cherish her.. think what make u 2 being able to become husband n wife is not by chance or luck right? sure hv to gone thru hard time chasing,courting day by day of nourishment tht yr wife agreed to married u. There's impossible of the feeling gone... unless either of u have someone in heart OUTSIDE without yrself realising it. U must think... if 1 day yr wife just gone forever u cant see her.. for instant like the lady hostage Lo Hui Yan get killed by the terrorist just becos for 1 day business trip. Will u expect that thing to happen.....

Sorry for being side track what i trying to say... if problem lies on u try think n think n think.... u will be regret when yr kids grown up n they knows whats happening that how their parents break of.. will affect their marriage life as welll in future..... believe me.. b4 too late... may heaven bless u 2 patch up......
 
David, my sentiments exactly!

With the Digital Age, people look for instant gratification. There is no stopping to ponder over their actions or the consequences.

I just don't wish to see another broken family. If there's no children involved then by all means. Otherwise, it is heart wrenching to see children cry.
 
David & Sylar,

I beg to differ. You have your logic about instantaneous results from Internet (ie.surf for information) and IT Gadgets, but it's obvious to me that you just want to push for 'a silly reason to blame' for divorces.

Pls lah, let's not even try to bring Emails and SMS-es for god's sake.... so, you still sending snail mails to your friends ah? Or, you're writing an article for DigiLife?

Don't make it seem like your 'instant theory' applies to Most Marriages, cos' it isn't. Don't find the biggest fault with the Internet and the digital tech stuffs, cos' these aren't. Don't give the wrong impressions to some gulible readers, cos' they might action on your words with adverse results.

Before even considering these silly reasons from Mr David Chan, i think that the troubled couples shld First look at their individual selfs, and face to their Own faults (whatever it may possible be). Communicate when they're ready to face the issues together. Don't seek to only blame.
 
Suggest both of you see a counsellor and see if things can be sorted out? Counselling helps both of you to speak out, determine the problem and find solutions. I believe both of you know how to solve the problem but wasn't able to communicate effectively.....do consider asking for external help
happy.gif
 
Actually, i don't understand why ppl (like David) keeps harping on the marriages of last generations lah, of our parents' generations lah, of our grandparents' generations lah...

and try to compare with this new era. Worse still, they assume that the old generations shldn't have any major problem because there isn't much social networking; there isn't opportunities to meet new ppl.

Worst of all, these ppl assume that the old generations are happily married just because they are still married in the eyes of law, but is it real happiness throughout these years?
 
People of older generations have different set of values as people born in the 80s and 90s.

Whether they have found their true love or not, they felt that marriage comes with responsibilities besides love. They would learnt to adapt and adjust so that a family can function well. Of course there would be exceptions but majority still believes in that.

The sad part is that....quite a number of those born in the 70s-80s are still having that kind of family value (me too) but their partners don't. So marriages failed....
 
Hi Tired_Mom,

i find that some of these values are definitely good to know and apply - ie Responsiblity, Loyalty but others might be just good to know but not necessarily apply to All couples - ie. forced-accomodate, forced-acceptance etc...

so, who says the old generations do not have their own sets of troubles as well? It is just plain annoying when someone points to the wrong source(s) for 'happy marriages' or 'divorces'.

Hope you get me.
 
yes...yes...I get it.

Just that there are so many people around and everyone will have different thinking and values. The older generation definitely have their own set of problems but it's how they decided to live with it and look at other things rather than harping on the negative things. I really admire them for that.

Nowadays, people tends to be less forgiving and believed that they may have met the wrong person when unhappiness happened. Individualistics is also something I noticed as well.

No negative comments about what others think as there is no right and wrong answers
happy.gif
 
That's why I hope takeflight to consider to seek professional help rather than commenting or giving suggestions on how problems can be solved.

Just hope he/she can get out of this dilemma soon
happy.gif
 
This is a sensitive topic and I don't think there is any clear cut answers.

It depends on our values and how we look at marriage. We can't deny the influences of modern technology and has made communication so much faster and direct. But it would be over-simplification to pin the blame on them.

People in older generation - they live through thick and thin and even when there is no love between them, they may stay together for the children. On the front of personal happiness, it is utterly stupid to give up one's happiness for the sake of children - well, it may not be beneficial from the children in some instances - like or example if the parents quarrel and fight frequently. For other family, it may give the children enough stability for them to grow up. I don't think there is a single right or wrong answers. It really depends on the couple and how mature they live together in a loveless marriage.

A high level of tolerance and the willingness to accommodate will help a long way if they are to stay together despite a loveless marriage. It is not an impossibility because many older couples have gone through it. But that is not to say it is the right answer to most marriages - that we may hold on to it at all cost - even with children.

There are many instances in which divorced and separation will make everyone happier - including the children.

It is such that we are living in a time when it is so much easier to separate and divorced that people may not have spent or willing to spend time working on their marriages. Ultimately it is their own individual choice and they just have to live with it.

But there is a myth:

That in a marriage with children - divorce is bad for the children. This is always the thinking of the more traditional people. Yes, there are still people who believe in it and they are willing to sacrifice their happiness because they think it is good for the children. And it may not be.

Naturally in a divorce, no one is a winner but at times in the circumstances - it could be better to be divorced and live separately happily and yet be able to care for the children together and let them grow up as normally as possible. The danger of divorce is that one of the parent may bad mouth the other or they engage in battles for the custody - to the exclusion of their spouse such that the children feel trapped in between. In such a scenario, the children won't be happy. Yet if they take a step backwards and both still love the children and show them the love - it is possible for the children to accept the situation and be happy (although they would always wish that their parents are together forever). As they grow older, they would understand more about the complexity of the human affairs. And in such a situation, when they look back, they will be glad that their parents had indeed divorced and not stayed together for their sake.
 
i beg to differ . vios ...

ur post is turning into personal attack ...

what david is trying to say is just that nowadays people are having very little stress tolerance rather than trying to work things out.. people are turning into the escapist way ...

its true that both sides can support each ideas with different analogy and views to back up wth...so i dun see why david reasons got to be silly and yours to be wise ..

..
 
Don't mind I say hor, takeflight.

It's ppl like you that gives the meaning of marriage a 'bad name' and others just take the cue and create all kinds of reasons to end a marriage!
 
kengleetan,

why u said that. takeflight didn't even say much about the reasons of ending the marriage and we shouldn't be too presumptious

Anyway, who cares about giving marriage a good or bad name - it is our happiness that is most important.
 
qwerty, thanks. A+ for your English comprehension.
Vios, F for yours.

Vios, I don't know why you want to turn this into a personal attack.

Think qwerty has explained succintly what I meant.

Even if you disagree with my views, put it up nicely. You don't go watch a movie and have to agree with the movie critic that it's good or bad. You don't go saying the director is silly or the reviewer is silly, do you? If you don't like durians, not everyone will like it. Do you call the durian silly or people who like durians silly?

In this case, it's worse.

Cos it's not even about disagreeing with me. But you don't even know where my discussion is gearing towards and you want to put me down with personal attacks?

Anyway, heck with Vios.

Just to add on a bit further. For those who have failed often in their English comprehension at school, I'm not one who dreams about the past and think we should step back in technology or live in the "stone age" way. Neither am I saying that you can't obtain meaningful relationships thru the internet. (I know several couples who got hitched that way and are happily married.)

I'm questioning, rather, how the present mass media (Internet included) change the way we deal with relationships. Is it also a case of "what we see happening around us, and so we do it the same way too?" (Think Western influence of divorce on our Asian culture.)

For those uninitiated, divorce in Singapore is on the rise. Do a Google and you should be able to find the stats. It'll be good to think about the possible causes for the more intellectual ones. They do a lot of such discussions in Arts and Social Sciences in unis, obviously a place where Vios is foreign to.
 
David, even IF one doesn't understand your posts or point of view, it doesn't mean he/she has done poorly for their English language subject. Since when you have become a benchmark on this? Even if it was said as a figure of speech, don't think you have made much sense yourself.....
 
"what david is trying to say is just that nowadays people are having very little stress tolerance rather than trying to work things out.. people are turning into the escapist way ..."

Qwerty, tolerance can also be a form of escapism.
 
David, sarcasm has to be delivered in style to create resonance.....Perhaps you would like to look into finding better expression of your sarcasm...Maybe can try harder in your next post?
 
Doll,

Yes, good point. In takeflight's case, for eg, by tolerating the spouse, takeflight could possibly escape from having to deal with a divorce.

But in line with my earlier discussion, I'm questioning the opposite nature of any such act, ie, have all the possible avenues for a remedy been explored instead of considering a divorce?
 
Doll,

In style as in...? Maybe you could offer an example here of how I could inject "more style" to create the "resonance" in Vios' earlier post?

Whoa, I didn't know that sarcasm has to have that sort of quality.

Thanks.
 


"But in line with my earlier discussion, I'm questioning the opposite nature of any such act, ie, have all the possible avenues for a remedy been explored instead of considering a divorce?"

David, do you know for sure that Takeflight hasn't already done all things possible to avoid divorce? It was not elaborated here does not mean it has not been done. Don't forget, it takes both Takeflight and his/her spouse to make the marriage work for both.

Takeflight is talking about divorce straight perhaps because he/she is done and over with the stage of reconciliation. Can't we even respect that?
 
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