Some Questions On My Situation

B

baby_berry

New Member
This maybe a story that many have read thru the forum but still I hope that I can get some good advice......

I have been married for almost 3 years and now I'm waiting for the 3 years timeline to be up so that I can file for a divorce. From the 3 years of marriage, me and my HB have only lived together for 1 year and for the rest of it, we have been living separately. We have a child from this marriage and currently the child is in my care. I have several questions that I need some answers as I keep getting different replies from different lawyers.

Question 1:
Our matrimony home that we are living in is only abt 3.5yrs. Although its in joint-name but from the downpayment to the monthly installment, every single cent is contributed from my CPF. I will like to maintain my flat after my divorce so that me & baby can have a roof over heads but I was advised by lawyers that due to the length of years we had the hse, the flat will have to be sold back to HDB & the proceedings will be split 50%/50% and even though I'm the main contributor, in the eyes of the law... everything will split 50%/50%. Is that true? Is there a way whereby I can keep the hse? From the instalments to the renovation loan, utilities, every single cent is contributed by me and HB does not contribute anything.

Question 2:
Currently, baby is in my care and all this while, HB dun provides any maintainance. Although he says he loves baby but there is no prove to it. Can I fight for sole custody of my baby? Some lawyers said that there is no sole custody these days. How shld I go about it?

Question 3:
I do not have any deed of separation and some lawyers said I need a deed of separation to file for a divorce. I hope to have this closure asap but seems like I'm getting alot of obstacles. Is there any good advices?

Thank you.
 


Talk to a few lawyers first.
There are a few forumers here who have been through this situation. May be you can ask for their lawyers' contact.
 
Hope you dont feel i am trying to be kaypoh. Just like you to consider carefully. Have you and hb talked seriously over this, can both of you save the marriage for the sake of the baby.
 
Berrybaby,
Your story sounds like mine...but i got no kids though...

Q1: My understanding is u can keep the house with ur name and the baby provided u can support the house without him. It's true that flat less than 5 yrs has to be taken back by HDB unless u ask ur lawyer to appeal that u wan to sell in open market. And whether or not is 50/50, lawyer can ask ur HB on the proceeds distributions only if he agrees else it shld be 50/50. (I also paid for most of the things....2 reno loan, utilities, everything too...

Q2: Usually custody goes to mother la...

Q3: no need. But he muz agree that u guys are separated 3 yrs already and hence can file divorce straight.

Take care...
 
Lynette,

hope u also dun mind me being a kaypo, but u know... when a person talks abt waiting 3yrs to divorce and is looking to divorce... chances are - they didn't just wake up this morning and fancy having a divorce...

saving the marriage for the sake of the baby is a Bad Idea. it's like staying in a marriage to keep your parents happy... end of the day nothin but a big fat lie...
 
Thanks for your replies. I have to agree with powder that I really some serious thinking before proceeding with this decision, afterall I have been with this man for 12 years. As for the best interest of the baby, I believe that it was my baby birth and existence that made me "wake up" from this relationship.

sadman, do u where can i find the lawyer contacts?
 
Actually, my concern is over the full custody of the baby. I hope u r not pulling the kid away from the father.

In many divorces, parents 'poison' their kids about the other parents. That isn't healthy. This is really my concern only. If what you are doing, it truly for the kids' best interest, then go ahead.
 
Many may call me selfish... i'm not pulling my baby away from his father but its the father who pulled away from my baby by spending his time gambling and womanizing, that's why I decided that since he dun treasure this family, this baby, then its no point that me & baby have anything to do with this man.
 
u wrote : "that's why I decided that since he dun treasure this family, this baby, then its no point that me & baby have anything to do with this man."

Is your decision based on emotions or objectively? If he proves to be a bad influence, then I would agree with you. But, if he is sincerely trying to do play his role as a father, why should you deprive your kid of his fatherly love? Yes, he had done wrong and therefore lost the marriage and you. But, no one can choose our parents. In the same way, you cannot change that fact. He is your child's father.

You are not selfish but emotional. And you are letting your emotions affect your decision IF you are making decisions because of your judgement of his history and not your kid's interest. This is not to judge you. But, I want you to really think about your kid.

Sharing my personal experience, my parents were divorced. Often, the children are torn between the parents. My mum poisoned me with all kind of bad feelings about my dad for yrs. Yes, my dad did wrong and paid the price for it. I was the one that encouraged and supported my mum's decision to divorce him. But, I still miss and love him. Nothing will change the fact that he is my old man.
 
haiz.. have to agree with Milo again..

seems like u r more into ur own hatred for him that u also decided on ur baby's behalf the right for ur kid to have fatherly love.

try to review the whole situation with a more peaceful mind...
 
Awww...Milo Dee....tat's so sweet....
:')

Skylar y 'haiz'..u trying to find ways and means to disagree with Milo Dee? :P
 
kekek... no lah Gin..
dun liddat say leh... lol..

but no doubt what Milo said is really true..
just trying to find 1 day when he is not thinking then I go ka jiao him.. lol
 
Milo... I do agree that I cannot deny my child of a father. My baby is only 16 months old. Do you know, from the day my baby was born, I told my HB "do your part as a father, try your best to be a good father, be it watever between us, the child is innocent". Because of my baby, I gave him a chance by staying on initially but then many things happened that showed me this man will nvr be a good father or husband.... I dunno if you were ever married but I give you a few good examples;

1. I was 8 months pregnant and I still had to be the handyman of the hse. I took a ladder to climb to change the bulb of my room and he juz closed one eye and continued surfing the net to gamble. Even a friend who see another pregnant friend trying to climb a ladder will offer to help. Him, he juz ignored.

2. Everytime I request him to pat baby sleep, after 5-10 minutes, he will pass baby back to me say his hands are tired and back pain from carrying baby.

2. Baby was 5 months old when he came down with a fever over the wkend. Instead of staying home, my HB said he had something to do and had to meet his friends and he took off and did not come home till night.

3. Baby was once hospitalised for 2 wks... during that time, I took leave from my job juz to be at baby side 24hrs. As for him, he came and go like a friend visiting the hospital. Not only that, from the start till discharge, he did not even ask how much is the hospital bill or how is it gg to be settled.

There are so many many things that pushed me to make this decision. Yes, he failed as a husband and hurt me terribly which resulted love thinning and finally died but I had hoped he will do his part as a father till the day I made this divorce decision, I gave him rights as a father but he did not treasure.

Do you call my decision emotional or rational? When a couple ends their marriage, its usually due to many reasons. Many ppl always think that women are emotional and always makes decision base on their heart not their mind.

Frankly, there is no more hatred to this man. I have tried umpteen times to talk to him amicably and told him to learn to let go but it always end up with him threatening me he wanna commit sucide. His best of friends who once had tried helping him to salvage this marriage had turned down his request to help him further.

milo and skylar, If you were in my shoes now... and know things from the start till the end, you wun be telling me I'm emotional or I did not make this decision with a peaceful mind.
 
berry,
I'm telling you to search within and be objective. I did not say u are all emotional because I do not know the situation completely. I am aware of that!

I repeat : "Is your decision based on emotions or objectively? If he proves to be a bad influence, then I would agree with you."

So, if he indeed is doing more harm than anything for your kid, naturally, you should protect your baby. So, don't start this "If u were in my shoes thing". And I'm asking you to be in your child's shoes too.
 
hi guys,

hmm... let me be objective...

i disagree with milo on the need to reconsider, tat to me is just being politically-correct as far as child is concerned... u know, letting a child have a father and the works...

no doubt, a good-for-nothing gambling, womanizing bum can definitely father a child... it's just sex and semen... what makes a father a father other than fathering a child? i guess i would say emotional support, and not just presence.

Presence is easy... u just need to stay in the same house and u can consider yourself as a present father... but sometimes, in this case, being Present does more damage. when u're present and uninvolved... when u're present and couldn't care less... when u're present and u deprive the family of love+warmth... What good then is Presence?

as far as i see and have experienced... some husbands and fathers are a Liability... for Life. u do realise that this child may already be in debt Before entering tertiary education...

Father is important, no doubt abt that. But we have to objectively look at the person playing the role... i believe another man might play that role better, else she can play dual roles for the better part of it.

milo, if our wives were anything like her husband, it would definitely be emotional... on 1 hand u love the wifey, but on the other hand wifey is gambling, out with frens most of the times and the house is basically like a hotel... and she's screwing around... and we're having to take on the burden of wifey... hmm... i think i'd opt to cut her off as well. it's bad enough she's not helping to lessen the load, but to have to take her on as an additional burden present and into the future JUST BECOS she mothered the child??? u must be kidding me...

i've actually walked this path with several lady frens who married good-for-nothing bums... it's much worse when they are gambling n screwing around... and then u add STD to the list of problems they've given to the wife... Dude, just to have a father around????

sori, i highly disagree. i'm like... really sick of pple holding on to horrid marriages thinking that it benefits the child...

i can foresee that it's just gonna increase the probability of a child with more problems when a crap-father is around, than if the child goes without a father... in fact i'd say the kid would have a better chance at life without the liabilities.

which is the lesser of 2 evils?

and dun forget there the option of remarrying with a better role-model as a father...
 
Actually, I tried to be careful in making any judgement. Each time, I pointed both possibilities.

Notice all the "IF" in the statements?
1) IF he proves to be a bad influence, then I would agree with you.
2) But, IF he is sincerely trying to do play his role as a father, why should you deprive your kid of his fatherly love?...
3)And you are letting your emotions affect your decision IF you are making decisions because of your judgement of his history and not your kid's interest...

So IF you read more carefully, you would have noticed it. The purpose is really to highlight and explore if you have really placed your child's interest in your decisions. Especially your post at 10:19pm can be worrying.
 
well i would think the only important IF is whether what she's saying is true... else taking into account what she's sharing... i wouldn't really use IFs for the guy... it's all pretty much in the points...
 
hi Powder,

u got it all wrong. I am NOT talking about reconsidering the marriage at all. Please refer to be post at 9:15pm. My concern is over the CUSTODY OF THE CHILD. I asked some questions not for her to reconsider the divorce but to be sure that she have objectively make the right decision for her child with the aspect of the child's custody.

And u obviously missed this too
"Yes, he had done wrong and therefore lost the marriage and you."

Not reading carefully are you? Hope is not because of the match at 8.45pm :p

Afterall, Man U have it great for months liao. Time for gunners to celebrate a bit.
happy.gif
 
And, I'm equally as sick of people holding on to horrid marriages thinking that it benefits the child. Trust me on that.

u r barking the wrong tree bro.

At the same time, I'm sick of adults (not just parents but sickening grand parents too!) that pull their children in their personal grudges and childish fights. That's why I'm want to be sure it isn't the case here.
 
"well i would think the only important IF is whether what she's saying is true... else taking into account what she's sharing... i wouldn't really use IFs for the guy... it's all pretty much in the points..."

This is not being fair... the "points" were only posted at 11:34pm. Objectively speaking, both you and me didn't know the details before that. no?
 
not really affected by the match, when i saw 2 ladies beside me wearing man.u jerseys, i felt an immediate bad omen liao... anyway winning wars will always be more impt than winning battles... i'd think chelsea is the happiest...

ya that's fair of cos, to say we ddin't know the details. my only post before this was to curb the usual 'reconsider posts' whenever anyone wants to have a divorce... it's like trying to prevent mistakes which u assume is a mistake before even finding out if it's a mistake.

in terms of custody, i'll just state the obvious to me... she should be the one with the custody rite? nothing to do with her being the mother, more to do with the obvious role-playing. the father ain't exactly emotionally present nor discharging his duties as a father when the kid is there everyday so i would think that's pretty obvious. as for visiting rights... well, i personally wouldn't wanna give him the chance to be present On&Off just so that i can be politically-correct? i'd take my chance with him Out of the picture, than to have chances of him ever using the child to blackmail me or my family...

i personally dun think that she's pulling the child out of personal preference or being emotional abt it. it's a pretty obvious case of wanting to have nothing more to do with this guy, and it's a decision she has every right to make for the child... to me the protection of the child from such a father is a Bigger good than the depriving the child from having a father (which i would think he isn't gonna play that role too well either).
 
hi bro,

its not so obvious. TS was speaking about against shared custody. She wants full custody and also to have nothing to do with him for herself and child. Hence, I'm asking questions because the details weren't clear.
 
well bro, now that u've read everything... do u think shared custody is the way to go?

actually now not yet divorce, the custody is shared by Default, correct? well... IF she's not lying... would u in this same situation, wanna share custody?

my choice would be to remove this fella from the child's life... like i said, the protection of the child from such a father is a Bigger good than the depriving the child from having a father
 
I need to explain to u to clarify on your disagreement which were misplaced. no? Its only obvious now after her post at 11.43pm.

My call is : for her to not look at the past history only. People do change. Even if she has full custody of the child, IF he sincerely proves to want to be a good father. Why not? And of cos, if he is still an ass. Why bother.

NOTE again. I said IF.
 
ya i know where u're coming from... it's her 10.19 post that alarms me actually... the one that included womanizing and gambling... that's where i read the obvious.

the other obvious was actually her first post where she states that they "have only lived together for 1 year and for the rest of it, we have been living separately" and also that currently the child is in her care.

tat's why i actually replied lynette sarcastically...
 
Dont critise people here. Everyone is here to learn and share with each other. If you are not happy with what others say, just keep to yourself, dont have to prove you are always right. End of the day, the ultimate decision still lies with the person who seek help.
 
Skylar, Milo 'dee' and my powder kor so pro wan...they only active in these threads...they are pro ok! :P
 
Lynette,

typical isn't it? before this i dun even know who u are so it's not really a matter of being 'not happy'... it's nothing personal. i saw a daft comment and i just spoke my mind abt it. u could take the criticsm constructively or negatively and perhaps learn something from it like what u're suggesting. u could have read deeper instead of coming up with a politically-correct suggestion that shows u're not even reading beyond the information.

just becos the TS has problems does not mean everyone who answers him is in a perfect state of mind and relationship.

i wasn't trying to prove myself right, i was just saying u're likely to have made a wrong judgment.

since we're all here to learn and share, then u could learn something... if u're not right then u're not right, i dun need to gloat nor keep quiet just to please u. of cos u can share more But at least bother to get into the role of the TS before stating the obvious.

just remember that u could potentially fark-up pple's lives with your comments n suggestions... so dun post lightly and give some thought before u do it.

there u have it, u learnt something new today!
 
alamak, no wonder...

u're the one with the Duck theory and also the one who ask pple to consider having kids to bring some sparks into the marriage...

erm ok, just pre-warn u tat u're likely to hear alot of disagreements from me. it seriously nothing to do with me wanting to prove myself right. the suggestions are daft...
 
One of my uni pals grew up in guilt from young. Because his parents stayed on in the marriage for the sake of him although there was no love left between them. Just sharing some real life case here.
 
Heee...always support my Powder kor...cos he brings me out from the dark in my past marriage....Kor always give me constructive feedback de....
I must admit that I am also one of the typical gals who dun like to be pin point at...but I learn to see things optismistically...
happy.gif

Lynette, lets view things openly ok?
happy.gif
Powder kor is a guy who been thru alot...perhaps you too...so lets learn together!
happy.gif
Wee....
 
ya Green, guess now tat we're more mature and gone thru relationships... whilst we can appreciate mum or dad staying in a marriage for us... i think it's just soo horrible if mum nor dad didn't actually fine a better life n love for the better part of their life...

my mum's been a widow for a good 19yrs, i can appreciate her staying a widow, but i do feel she's lost out alot in terms of the possibilities of perhaps having a guy to grow old with... and as a son, i can't offer her the kind of emotional love n support we'd have from our spouse/partners...
 
Powder kor, lol which part you meant? me or Lynette?
happy.gif
Anyway I learnt how to view things differently thru u...
happy.gif
I knew you for at least 4 or 5 yrs le right?
happy.gif
 
As kids, we definitely don't want to see our mother or father wasting the remaining 40 over years of their life being deprived of a love partner.

Me and my siblings have actually encouraged our parents to file for divorce since last year. They are living more like housemates lol.
 
There must be very good reasons for you to have sole-custody. And normally, joint-custody is awarded - for very good reasons.

In cases when one parent is abusive then sole-custody is a possibility, else, you cannot hope to have 100% cut-off from one of the parent.

A father, yes he may be womanizing or gambling.. but it doesn't mean he cannot play a role of a good father. He may even be a murderer or whatever.. as long as he is not abusive and has the interest of the child - he should be allowed some access. This is actually not my view but the court's general thinking - so mother who think that they spent 100% of the time nurturing their child (and the father just 10%) and thinking that they should have sole custody may be disappointed - especially so if the father wants joint custody or some sort of access.

I have seen a lot of women like TS, they wanted sole-custody because of what they have gone through - the child-birth, the long time spent taking care of their child or even the time spent nurturing them.. but still you cannot deny the child their father - even if may be once a week of access. And these women end up being disappointed because if the father does fight for it - mostly, the court will grant them joint-custody or some sort of access and for obvious good reason.
 
Q2.

If your hb is fighting, then very unlikely you will get sole custody - unless you can prove that he is abusive towards the child

Q3. No need DOS as long as really separated. DOS is useless unless hb wants to sign.
 
Actually as sons & daughters - why you think your divorced/widowed parents would want to have another partner. You think you know your parents best?

Not re-divorcing and re-marrying does not mean that they are depriving themselves of possible love and happiness.

I am a very good example. I don't think I would want to re-marry but it does not mean that I am miserable.. I too can be happy in the way I want.
 
Sm,
As a daughter, I will like to offer my mum another option on top of staying in an unhappy marriage. Which option she chooses is of course up to her, I will respect her decision.
 
green, ya, an option.. but we couldn't and shouldn't wish.. or say we prefer this or that.. cos it will influence their decision..
 
Now that Berrybaby had given a much more detailed to show the reasons why she is fighting for sole custody of her child... that I can understand.. to be serious.. without knowing what ur reasons are, we only concluded to u hating ur hb & thus wanting ur child only for urself...

but from the way u put in as how he heck care abt the child etc.. then It is also funny that why he is fighting with u now for ur child? Maybe u can talk to him???

If he is not willing to make sacrifies for the child then dun fight for him.. but I still think that even if u were to have the custody of ur child, you shd not deprive him of his chances to meet or see his child in the future... for this, its more prone to ur child's thinking in mind..

Milo,
Gunners are nothing but gunners, its ok.. think we deserved it! For the way we play...although pretty humilating for such a thrashing at Old Trafford but we will bounce out.. do not forget.. we are the champions! lol...
 
I don't know but I know a lot of divorced women who simply want to have their children exclusively.. yes.. they have put in much more than their hb.. but that does not give them sole possession of their children. There are even some who want to change the surname of their children.. but legally they can't unless the ex-hb agrees to it.

If you really love your children in the first place, all the time and effort you put in should be unconditional and you should not count how much you have put in and how little your hb has put in.. And for even joint-custody with the mother having care & control, normally the father will only have 1 day out of 7 days access..

You put in time for them because you love them.. and you want to spend with them..
 
sm,

ya true.. coz in a way these mothers only see the bad side of what their hb did to them & they just felt that since they did not treasure their family or their child then its no pt to let them have it..

so trying to take in full control of the child, changing the surname etcc.. all these things they will try to do so that their child will hv nothing to do with their hb.. but everyone knows.. deep down.. his blood is in the child..
 
did i miss out on something, cos i didn't know that we've established the fact tat he's keen to fight custody as yet.
 


powder,

TS stated tat hb refused to divorce wor... so pretty clear lor.. & since she die die 1 2 divorce guess that is the reason why she is asking for the rights to sole custody...
 
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