Seeking advise on divorce

[confusedlife]

Hi Guys,

A good friend of mine is deliberating filing for divorce with his wife. I have suggested that both of them go for marriage counselling first before going down the path of separation. But it seems like the wife is not willing to do so. My friend is at a loss because he still wants to keep the family because of the kids.

Just to give a little context.
- Both of them feels that both parties are not contributing enough to the family - whether it's monetary or childcaring
- The wife constantly nitpicks on the husband and question every single thing he does and even when he explains, she still does not accept it
- Even after their family has spoken to them individually, the wife thinks she has done nothing wrong and it's my friend who is accusing her.
- For instance, she can swear at my friend. When my friend is unable to fetch her due to work commitments, she will nag at him over text and said he has wasted her mom's time by cooking dinner for him.
- In terms of childcaring, my friend does help out only when requested cause he knows she is very picky with certain things and he wants to avoid being nagged at. But now she claims that my friend doesn't help out at all.
- So all in all, my friend is confused as to when she is happy, when she is angry because she doesn't communicate to him at all.

There are 2 things I'd like to ask: 1) Is there any other solution to fix this? 2) If divorce is the path, what are the things he need to do or look out for such that he gains custody of the kids and not lose out in the alimony too? During their arguments, she has said she doesn't want the kids. Lastly, there is no 3rd party involve.

Thanks everyone!

 

[miloice]

Hi Guys,

A good friend of mine is deliberating filing for divorce with his wife. I have suggested that both of them go for marriage counselling first before going down the path of separation. But it seems like the wife is not willing to do so. My friend is at a loss because he still wants to keep the family because of the kids.

Just to give a little context.
- Both of them feels that both parties are not contributing enough to the family - whether it's monetary or childcaring
- The wife constantly nitpicks on the husband and question every single thing he does and even when he explains, she still does not accept it
- Even after their family has spoken to them individually, the wife thinks she has done nothing wrong and it's my friend who is accusing her.
- For instance, she can swear at my friend. When my friend is unable to fetch her due to work commitments, she will nag at him over text and said he has wasted her mom's time by cooking dinner for him.
- In terms of childcaring, my friend does help out only when requested cause he knows she is very picky with certain things and he wants to avoid being nagged at. But now she claims that my friend doesn't help out at all.
- So all in all, my friend is confused as to when she is happy, when she is angry because she doesn't communicate to him at all.

There are 2 things I'd like to ask: 1) Is there any other solution to fix this? 2) If divorce is the path, what are the things he need to do or look out for such that he gains custody of the kids and not lose out in the alimony too? During their arguments, she has said she doesn't want the kids. Lastly, there is no 3rd party involve.

Thanks everyone!

It is hard for anyone externally to conclude how hopeless is the relationship. Their communication is broken, the marriage is only about kids, and him as a driver. If they want to savage the relationship, go back to basics. Are they pampering each other, spending couple quality time, communicating and validating each other emotions and needs? If they have none, yet, they look at all the little things to pick on, they are blind to the obvious broken relationship. When couples are pissed, they will find anything to pick on and you cannot make any judgement call based on these little fights.

 

[confusedlife]

Hi miloice,

I don't think I have asked for any conclusion or have made any conclusion. The context was basically what my friend has told me word for word. Which is why I suggested that they go for counselling. Counselling doesn't mean the relationship is hopeless but rather for a neutral party to tell them why they are not listening to each other's needs.
It is easy to say go back to basics. Of course when all emotional needs, all the nitpicking naturally goes away.

 

[miloice]

Hi miloice,

I don't think I have asked for any conclusion or have made any conclusion. The context was basically what my friend has told me word for word. Which is why I suggested that they go for counselling. Counselling doesn't mean the relationship is hopeless but rather for a neutral party to tell them why they are not listening to each other's needs.
It is easy to say go back to basics. Of course when all emotional needs, all the nitpicking naturally goes away.

Well, you were asking for solution to fix it and also divorce path in the forum, for which I'm answering that its hard to conclude anything from to really offer solutions. Strange how you brush aside suggestions when you asked them. Its also easy to say, go counseling. Say only, that's lame reasoning. Its a real challenge to get someone to see one when they are defensive about it. They feel their spouse is just asking for 3rd party to take side and prove her wrong.

It is good to have a neutral party to help bridge the conversation, the goal is for them to open up and hopefully able to reflect and see a different light to their situation other than the one they are already so deep rooted in. Examples given by your friend are not the issues but the consequences of it. Since when is conflict management ever easy. Going back to basics is reflecting what the entire relationship was based on. Why did they fall in love and marry in the first place and reflect what really changed.

When people fight, they hardly reflect. When we do reflect, most of the time, we can learn from it. It is possible to develop healthy conflict management patterns in a relationship, it is impt because that's how we can minimize the hurts and damage. Giving both parties time and space to reflect, make up and be honest abt their emotions and thoughts. Every word spoken in a fight, is going to sound nasty, mean and harsh, the tone is almost certainly going to be perceived that manner, one doesn't even need to raise their voice.

Now, it is not about who is right, who's fault it is. Its about someone taking the lead, seeing where the relationship is heading, and able to get a grip on himself to steer it back, to break the cycle. Maybe I should always say by stating, none of these are easy. IS BREAKING A MARRIAGE AND DIVORCE EASY AS WELL? To say advising is easy, excuting it is tough, is talking rubbish. It is asking, do you have a sure win 10 years series that couples can implement without thinking.

 

[miloice]

To share, my wife is often stressed over the kids and her own mother, sometimes, till the point of tears, there will be days, she will pick on everyone and snap at us over the slightest things. Believe me, being snap at by an emotional spouse is no joke. However, its completely normal. It isn't because she has changed and become unloving, its isn't because I'm not supportive either. People gets emotional and overwhelm with day to day issues. Her hormones makes it worser during her periods as well.

We have build through 16 years we were together, the trust. Our conflict management and communication channel is working. When a woman is snapping at everything, she needs to slow down. She needs assurance, that its ok, she is not alone in this. Her spouse is understanding her, and comforting her. He doesn't need to fix everything for her. Just ask her to pause, take time out. Let him deal with the kids while she calms down. Then, the couple must talk and reflect. Only then, she can realise she is reacting a bit too much over everything. That, something is not quite right about her emotions.

Before you say any of these are easy, it isn't. Our family just deal with the parting of her brother 3 months ago, who was just 4 years older than me. Life is difficult for everyone, we all have our ups and downs.

 

[verysadguy]

Hi miloice,

I don't think I have asked for any conclusion or have made any conclusion. The context was basically what my friend has told me word for word. Which is why I suggested that they go for counselling. Counselling doesn't mean the relationship is hopeless but rather for a neutral party to tell them why they are not listening to each other's needs.
It is easy to say go back to basics. Of course when all emotional needs, all the nitpicking naturally goes away.

Unfortunately, counselling is useless. The conclusion from the counsellor is always talked to each other. Yes, they listen to each party and give advices but ultimately, it would still be up to the couple. I went with my ex-wife before and in the end, I was accused by her of saying bad things about her during counselling when I am just trying to help her and help myself. Once the relationship is broken, it is difficult to salvage. Don't expect to get the kids as under SG law, the mum would get the custody unless she is mentally unstable or is not able to financially cope with the kids. Guys are always at a disadvantage during a divorce under the Women Charter. Since there are kids involved, other than child maintenance, be prepare to pay monthly alimony to ex-wife as well. On top of that, if they stay in HDB flat, it would need to be sold and the amount split in half.

 

[Ninastar1]

The situation is very difficult, seems that the woman has made her final decision that is to divorce.