sgbabydoll
Active Member
I am back in the office after dinner with Heart. We cancelled the movie hehe
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Seek advice on Alimony
- Thread starter fallenisis
- Start date
IAC,
i didn't misunderstand u, that's for sure...
your use of words 'brainwash' and using '0' probablility was not only damaging to Any form of absorption, but in fact it Encourages pple to stay in their woeful state.
on 1 hand u say u agree, but towards the end u take everything and slam it down big time... so i dun know what u want... u have to decide wat u want... else u're not convincing at all!
so going by the 'would they be able to absorb your inputs?' - shouldn't we all just keep quiet and let the thread rot?
by the way, what i'm sharing is the Immediate thing... to clear her mind on any hopeful unrealistic thoughts that's gonna blow in her face. i dun see how encouraging Inaccurate info-hoping is gonna be any more helpful...
ps: i wasn't expecting Immediate understanding nor clarity... but it will eventually come.
i didn't misunderstand u, that's for sure...
your use of words 'brainwash' and using '0' probablility was not only damaging to Any form of absorption, but in fact it Encourages pple to stay in their woeful state.
on 1 hand u say u agree, but towards the end u take everything and slam it down big time... so i dun know what u want... u have to decide wat u want... else u're not convincing at all!
so going by the 'would they be able to absorb your inputs?' - shouldn't we all just keep quiet and let the thread rot?
by the way, what i'm sharing is the Immediate thing... to clear her mind on any hopeful unrealistic thoughts that's gonna blow in her face. i dun see how encouraging Inaccurate info-hoping is gonna be any more helpful...
ps: i wasn't expecting Immediate understanding nor clarity... but it will eventually come.
anyway i'm done here...
Seek Advice on Alimony - remember that... it's that Simple. my choice is 1)
call it my weakness, but i can't offer empathy and go on abt how unfair the world is, how hard done the world has treated us etc... and then look for more sorrow to embrace. i dun know how to talk abt wasted years and unrealistic paybacks. i've mingled with enough 40-something year-olds to know that these pple were just like some of the pple here... and at that age, Nothing changes. all they did was carry the sorrow to their 40s...
i wish u guys all the best.
Seek Advice on Alimony - remember that... it's that Simple. my choice is 1)
call it my weakness, but i can't offer empathy and go on abt how unfair the world is, how hard done the world has treated us etc... and then look for more sorrow to embrace. i dun know how to talk abt wasted years and unrealistic paybacks. i've mingled with enough 40-something year-olds to know that these pple were just like some of the pple here... and at that age, Nothing changes. all they did was carry the sorrow to their 40s...
i wish u guys all the best.
had a thought to reflect on myself... wanna share a few words in retrospect...
pls note i'm not angry, but kinda exasperated... i apologise if the tones are harsh and it lacks empathy... i know that some of u mean well in your empathy, just that i dun share the enthusiasm in empathising quickly without thought when some actions are very obviously n objectively not-right and will be futile...
anyway, whilst some of u are asleep at this time... i'll like to apologise for my harsh tones...
last but not least... the reason why u see me post at such weird hours is simple... i'm not one who shares my opinions and sleep thinking i have made the world a better place. i ponder over a few times over, and i DO question myself in what i share... this sincerity will always be here whenever i post... i would never post with personal agendas, nor use this as a platform for anything other than a platform to guide pple out of their dead-ends.
really hope everyone can live freely n happily... as soon as possible... nitey
pls note i'm not angry, but kinda exasperated... i apologise if the tones are harsh and it lacks empathy... i know that some of u mean well in your empathy, just that i dun share the enthusiasm in empathising quickly without thought when some actions are very obviously n objectively not-right and will be futile...
anyway, whilst some of u are asleep at this time... i'll like to apologise for my harsh tones...
last but not least... the reason why u see me post at such weird hours is simple... i'm not one who shares my opinions and sleep thinking i have made the world a better place. i ponder over a few times over, and i DO question myself in what i share... this sincerity will always be here whenever i post... i would never post with personal agendas, nor use this as a platform for anything other than a platform to guide pple out of their dead-ends.
really hope everyone can live freely n happily... as soon as possible... nitey
iamchinese
New Member
powder, good morning.
why ponder things again and again during the night over things u posted? You have been giving loads of advises to us in this forum Good job done. But the real issue down here is, TS did not reply after our numerous posts, is she getting really irritated by our post or she just does not care anymore?
I also wish TS can have a speedy recovery and moves on with life, that's the most important thing.
why ponder things again and again during the night over things u posted? You have been giving loads of advises to us in this forum Good job done. But the real issue down here is, TS did not reply after our numerous posts, is she getting really irritated by our post or she just does not care anymore?
I also wish TS can have a speedy recovery and moves on with life, that's the most important thing.
To the thread starter
It is best for you to be forgive and move on and make a better future for yourself and your child.
Do this based on your own effort.
Trying to crave vengence and fight for materialistic possession will destroy whatever good things laying ahead.
This is all I have to say.
Cheers.
It is best for you to be forgive and move on and make a better future for yourself and your child.
Do this based on your own effort.
Trying to crave vengence and fight for materialistic possession will destroy whatever good things laying ahead.
This is all I have to say.
Cheers.
Just a question I have after reading this forum. (If i misunderstood please help me clarify.)
It seems like any party whom wish to claim more alimony from another party, is consider greedy and crave for vengence.
In a business deal, anyone also go all way out to get the best bargain. So won't it be at a disadvantage when you lost the materialistic possession?
Why by asking for more money will destory good things ahead? Can't it goes parallel, meaning asking for more and also build own life?
Why is child maintanence have no link with custody of child?
Call me whatever but I have an unspoken thinking "You don't want to be responsibile for the child material welfare, yet you still wish to be the child's parent?"
Is this call greedy and vengence?
It seems like any party whom wish to claim more alimony from another party, is consider greedy and crave for vengence.
In a business deal, anyone also go all way out to get the best bargain. So won't it be at a disadvantage when you lost the materialistic possession?
Why by asking for more money will destory good things ahead? Can't it goes parallel, meaning asking for more and also build own life?
Why is child maintanence have no link with custody of child?
Call me whatever but I have an unspoken thinking "You don't want to be responsibile for the child material welfare, yet you still wish to be the child's parent?"
Is this call greedy and vengence?
powder,
ok, today after reading your posts i really take my hats offs you though there are times i wanna strangle you and disagree with you (i'm a member as old as you - do not look at my nick which was created sometime later)..yes, you were harsh here but i also think you're right.. i'm was so suprised that you actually pondered over things a few times before postings your comments/ advice in the forum and that sincerity touches me..
ok, today after reading your posts i really take my hats offs you though there are times i wanna strangle you and disagree with you (i'm a member as old as you - do not look at my nick which was created sometime later)..yes, you were harsh here but i also think you're right.. i'm was so suprised that you actually pondered over things a few times before postings your comments/ advice in the forum and that sincerity touches me..
sgbabydoll
Active Member
"It seems like any party whom wish to claim more alimony from another party, is consider greedy and crave for vengence."
>> Like said earlier, you can claim 50% of the 50% that belongs to the man. So the max you are looking at is 75%. Even so, the lawyer will work out a reasonable amount to ask for, based on a host of factors. The sky isn't the limit here.
"In a business deal, anyone also go all way out to get the best bargain. So won't it be at a disadvantage when you lost the materialistic possession?"
>> The best bargain is not 100%-0%.
"Why by asking for more money will destory good things ahead? Can't it goes parallel, meaning asking for more and also build own life?"
>> You should ask for an amount that is reasonable so that you have a high chance of being awarded that sum.
"Why is child maintanence have no link with custody of child?"
>> Both father and mother are equally responsible for the maintenance of the child. If a child's monthly expenses amount to $1K, the Judge may order the man and woman to fork out $500 each. But since TS is on a part-time job, her husband may have to take on more responsibility in this area.
"Call me whatever but I have an unspoken thinking 'You don't want to be responsibile for the child material welfare, yet you still wish to be the child's parent?'"
>> You are just assuming that TS's husband does not wish to pay child support.
"Is this call greedy and vengence?"
>> Yes, if you just want a you-win-he-loses-all situation.
>> Like said earlier, you can claim 50% of the 50% that belongs to the man. So the max you are looking at is 75%. Even so, the lawyer will work out a reasonable amount to ask for, based on a host of factors. The sky isn't the limit here.
"In a business deal, anyone also go all way out to get the best bargain. So won't it be at a disadvantage when you lost the materialistic possession?"
>> The best bargain is not 100%-0%.
"Why by asking for more money will destory good things ahead? Can't it goes parallel, meaning asking for more and also build own life?"
>> You should ask for an amount that is reasonable so that you have a high chance of being awarded that sum.
"Why is child maintanence have no link with custody of child?"
>> Both father and mother are equally responsible for the maintenance of the child. If a child's monthly expenses amount to $1K, the Judge may order the man and woman to fork out $500 each. But since TS is on a part-time job, her husband may have to take on more responsibility in this area.
"Call me whatever but I have an unspoken thinking 'You don't want to be responsibile for the child material welfare, yet you still wish to be the child's parent?'"
>> You are just assuming that TS's husband does not wish to pay child support.
"Is this call greedy and vengence?"
>> Yes, if you just want a you-win-he-loses-all situation.
Thanks doLL, I do understand that TS is asking for sky. One more question if we assume that TS's husband does not wish to pay for child support and wife monetary, maybe leave the country or declare earning lesser. (Rare case but if you read papers such things does happen)
In addition, the past insurance for the child which the father paid for the child also gone (assume they have also) Anything she can do?
In addition, the past insurance for the child which the father paid for the child also gone (assume they have also) Anything she can do?
sgbabydoll
Active Member
Carrie, that is why I have repeatedly said TS or any woman in such a situation should start planning and working on her own financial independence. Instead of waiting for the fish to be served to you, you might as well learn how to fish on your own. When you know how to fish, you can decide your own menu.
I am not telling TS not to claim for what she deserves, nor did I undermine the contribution she has made to the family. I am merely stating facts that there can never be a 100%-0% you-win-he-loses-all situation because the Court will not allow that.
When I was divorcing two years ago, the first thing that I had looked into was how to enhance my own financial independence. I worked hard and smart, and made sure that I got my monetary rewards from my work. My financial security lies in my very own hands.
I am not telling TS not to claim for what she deserves, nor did I undermine the contribution she has made to the family. I am merely stating facts that there can never be a 100%-0% you-win-he-loses-all situation because the Court will not allow that.
When I was divorcing two years ago, the first thing that I had looked into was how to enhance my own financial independence. I worked hard and smart, and made sure that I got my monetary rewards from my work. My financial security lies in my very own hands.
IAC,
there are those who may encounter similar problems but may not have the courage to post...
i ponder becos i should... it is a good habit.. it's for me to look at life, my life, the problems, my day, the pple i have affected, the things i could have done better... that post came to mind and i posted what i posted.
actually the issue isn't just abt the TS... it's abt u, me, others... and how our minds process information and how that translates into our daily life n happiness... tat's actually the bigger issue.
there are those who may encounter similar problems but may not have the courage to post...
i ponder becos i should... it is a good habit.. it's for me to look at life, my life, the problems, my day, the pple i have affected, the things i could have done better... that post came to mind and i posted what i posted.
actually the issue isn't just abt the TS... it's abt u, me, others... and how our minds process information and how that translates into our daily life n happiness... tat's actually the bigger issue.
musicmummy
New Member
Dear Thread-starter,
I admire ur strength for walking out in an abusive marriage. Me too. Many people can offer you opinions and advices but you are the one who can plan your own path.
I do not think it is wrong to fight for what you wanted, as long as it is not overly excessive and it reflects your present standard of living. It is not being greedy. It is your rights. If you divorced him and he is agreeable to your conditions, at least he is generous and it is a good ending. If he does not, fight for your rights and the court shall decide what is fair.
However, I need to warn you that it may not be the end of troubles even if the court awards in your favour. The man can ALWAYS apply to vary maintenance downwards as long as he shows a change in his circumstances like lesser income, or remarriage.
My form husband remarried 18 months after our divorce was finalised. He bought a new car and flat with his new spouse and had it renovated and applied to the court that he had no money to pay our child's maintenance. Around the same time, he reported a slight decrease in salary.
Do you think that he should be allowed to lower his child's maintenance obligation because of his new family obligation? He had a paycut because of a change of job-scope but his job had a steady stream of increment every year.
I hope the seniors out there can provide me with some opinions.
I admire ur strength for walking out in an abusive marriage. Me too. Many people can offer you opinions and advices but you are the one who can plan your own path.
I do not think it is wrong to fight for what you wanted, as long as it is not overly excessive and it reflects your present standard of living. It is not being greedy. It is your rights. If you divorced him and he is agreeable to your conditions, at least he is generous and it is a good ending. If he does not, fight for your rights and the court shall decide what is fair.
However, I need to warn you that it may not be the end of troubles even if the court awards in your favour. The man can ALWAYS apply to vary maintenance downwards as long as he shows a change in his circumstances like lesser income, or remarriage.
My form husband remarried 18 months after our divorce was finalised. He bought a new car and flat with his new spouse and had it renovated and applied to the court that he had no money to pay our child's maintenance. Around the same time, he reported a slight decrease in salary.
Do you think that he should be allowed to lower his child's maintenance obligation because of his new family obligation? He had a paycut because of a change of job-scope but his job had a steady stream of increment every year.
I hope the seniors out there can provide me with some opinions.
Carrie,
u need to take off your coloured glasses... this post is just for u....
in coffeeshops everyday, on a cab ride, in fact everywhere... there'll be a topic on the economy, and there'll be displeased pple who want the government to offer them more protection, cushion, shield.
thing is, it's GLOBAL. means as much as u think u're suffering and u see you own problems... across your corridor, block, street, the causeway, continent - someone is facing something similar... not just u. we ALREADY have a very good government... in fact i can be sure that we're getting better protection/insurance than most other countries...
and assuming that we're still having problems Despite government intervention... the only other viable solution is... Ourself. so we really have to do things as AN Individual, and assume No Help is given, and dun indulge in false hopes... whatever extra windfall we get is a bonus, but that's it - a Bonus. treating it like a bonus is 100% sure-way of ensuring u dun get disappointed. so...
"It seems like any party whom wish to claim more alimony from another party, is consider greedy and crave for vengence."
- Inaccurate context. the word is not 'more'... that seems intent to mislead. the word is "100%". if u tell me u wanna get more, i would never tell u that u're greedy. if u tell me u wanna get more than what u Deserve, whether legally or hopefully... than yes - tat's greedy. Fair enough u say u are a mother trying to protect your child... but that does not make u "un-greedy". in this case - "100%" is the key word.
Also note the lawyer advised 50/50. and even if u stretch take another 50% of the husband's 50%, tat's 75%. the 25% tat the hubby should as least preserve... is the part that makes it GREED.
"In a business deal, anyone also go all way out to get the best bargain. So won't it be at a disadvantage when you lost the materialistic possession?"
- definitely Not a biz-concept. in biz, u Always leave space for others to make a profit, so that u can have a continued relationship, so that they stay healthy and continue to grow and can help u to grow, so that they will continue to be your frens becos u dun know when they will be the most crucial factor in your future deals. u screw them once - u won a battle, but u will never win the war. in the first place - u Did Not lose.. u won liao, but now u wanna win even more AT THE EXPENSE of other pple losing. your concept of biz will not last at all...
"Why by asking for more money will destory good things ahead? Can't it goes parallel, meaning asking for more and also build own life?"
- Once everyone knows u're greedy, u will take a long time to remove that label. someone will tell your kid how greedy u were, and how u left Daddy penniless. Building life is fine... Not by destroying lives...
"Call me whatever but I have an unspoken thinking "You don't want to be responsibile for the child material welfare, yet you still wish to be the child's parent?"
Is this call greedy and vengence?"
- this is based on an assumption.
End of the day, we're supposed to WORK hard for ourselves, our families and build on things ourselves... 100% has to come from ourselves... if we get the occasional extras from somewhere - great. if not, then it does not hurt us... becos we covered ourselves 100%. If she covers herself 100%, then whatever alimony or stuff from hubby is bonus... then she gets maybe 100% + 30%... isn't that better? but if she based on producing 70% and Needs the 30% from hubby to make it 100%, then if he's no longer giving... she will only have 70%.
our best protection for the future is to do 100% for ourselves. everything else are extras... this is the basics of survival... NOT getting 30%, 50% from Other pple... becos u are taking away from them...
hope u understand.
u need to take off your coloured glasses... this post is just for u....
in coffeeshops everyday, on a cab ride, in fact everywhere... there'll be a topic on the economy, and there'll be displeased pple who want the government to offer them more protection, cushion, shield.
thing is, it's GLOBAL. means as much as u think u're suffering and u see you own problems... across your corridor, block, street, the causeway, continent - someone is facing something similar... not just u. we ALREADY have a very good government... in fact i can be sure that we're getting better protection/insurance than most other countries...
and assuming that we're still having problems Despite government intervention... the only other viable solution is... Ourself. so we really have to do things as AN Individual, and assume No Help is given, and dun indulge in false hopes... whatever extra windfall we get is a bonus, but that's it - a Bonus. treating it like a bonus is 100% sure-way of ensuring u dun get disappointed. so...
"It seems like any party whom wish to claim more alimony from another party, is consider greedy and crave for vengence."
- Inaccurate context. the word is not 'more'... that seems intent to mislead. the word is "100%". if u tell me u wanna get more, i would never tell u that u're greedy. if u tell me u wanna get more than what u Deserve, whether legally or hopefully... than yes - tat's greedy. Fair enough u say u are a mother trying to protect your child... but that does not make u "un-greedy". in this case - "100%" is the key word.
Also note the lawyer advised 50/50. and even if u stretch take another 50% of the husband's 50%, tat's 75%. the 25% tat the hubby should as least preserve... is the part that makes it GREED.
"In a business deal, anyone also go all way out to get the best bargain. So won't it be at a disadvantage when you lost the materialistic possession?"
- definitely Not a biz-concept. in biz, u Always leave space for others to make a profit, so that u can have a continued relationship, so that they stay healthy and continue to grow and can help u to grow, so that they will continue to be your frens becos u dun know when they will be the most crucial factor in your future deals. u screw them once - u won a battle, but u will never win the war. in the first place - u Did Not lose.. u won liao, but now u wanna win even more AT THE EXPENSE of other pple losing. your concept of biz will not last at all...
"Why by asking for more money will destory good things ahead? Can't it goes parallel, meaning asking for more and also build own life?"
- Once everyone knows u're greedy, u will take a long time to remove that label. someone will tell your kid how greedy u were, and how u left Daddy penniless. Building life is fine... Not by destroying lives...
"Call me whatever but I have an unspoken thinking "You don't want to be responsibile for the child material welfare, yet you still wish to be the child's parent?"
Is this call greedy and vengence?"
- this is based on an assumption.
End of the day, we're supposed to WORK hard for ourselves, our families and build on things ourselves... 100% has to come from ourselves... if we get the occasional extras from somewhere - great. if not, then it does not hurt us... becos we covered ourselves 100%. If she covers herself 100%, then whatever alimony or stuff from hubby is bonus... then she gets maybe 100% + 30%... isn't that better? but if she based on producing 70% and Needs the 30% from hubby to make it 100%, then if he's no longer giving... she will only have 70%.
our best protection for the future is to do 100% for ourselves. everything else are extras... this is the basics of survival... NOT getting 30%, 50% from Other pple... becos u are taking away from them...
hope u understand.
I understand long ago that its impossible to get 100%. sm, doLL and you had already stated in the above clearly. My lawyer told me the exact same thing even before I open my mouth to ask how much I need.
I guess most divorce mummy are worried about unforseen events like what josephine posted. Economy getting back, risk of unstable income and definately a downgrade of life style, cash strap but still need with hugh initial payment since still need a shelter over the head for ownself and dependent/s. The stresses are trememdous which is why sometimes can't see what is right or appropate. Worry about future and current legal and daily bread and butter....phew!
But then, thanks for the post to me, because your post benefit alot of slience readers.
I guess most divorce mummy are worried about unforseen events like what josephine posted. Economy getting back, risk of unstable income and definately a downgrade of life style, cash strap but still need with hugh initial payment since still need a shelter over the head for ownself and dependent/s. The stresses are trememdous which is why sometimes can't see what is right or appropate. Worry about future and current legal and daily bread and butter....phew!
But then, thanks for the post to me, because your post benefit alot of slience readers.
Greed is one thing.. expectation is another.
If you want and yearn for 100% (and here we are telling you it is unrealistic).. then you will be very disappointed.. because you won't get close to it.. and your disappointment may turn to resentment and thinking the world has treated you unfairly.. which in the first place, you may not have realistic expectation..
If you want and yearn for 100% (and here we are telling you it is unrealistic).. then you will be very disappointed.. because you won't get close to it.. and your disappointment may turn to resentment and thinking the world has treated you unfairly.. which in the first place, you may not have realistic expectation..
sgbabydoll
Active Member
"The stresses are trememdous which is why sometimes can't see what is right or appropate. Worry about future and current legal and daily bread and butter....phew!"
Carrie, I understand the concerns of single mothers. But it is unrealistic to expect an ex-husband to take care of all of your financial needs forever when you are no longer his priority. Just like SM has rightly pointed out, unrealistic expectation will lead to disappointment and even resentment. Do watch out.
Women live longer than men in general. Even if there is no divorce, you may still end up having to take care of yourself during your final 5-10 years or even longer. Thus, my conviction that we women have to be financially responsible for ourselves.
Take care!
Carrie, I understand the concerns of single mothers. But it is unrealistic to expect an ex-husband to take care of all of your financial needs forever when you are no longer his priority. Just like SM has rightly pointed out, unrealistic expectation will lead to disappointment and even resentment. Do watch out.
Women live longer than men in general. Even if there is no divorce, you may still end up having to take care of yourself during your final 5-10 years or even longer. Thus, my conviction that we women have to be financially responsible for ourselves.
Take care!
Stress is everywhere.. compared to other country, We singaporeans are already very fortunate..
Assuming the ex-hb also will start another family.. and possibly still has parents to take care.. he can't possibly give you everything.. he got no stress?
I can understand women who were housewives.. perhaps the courts will award them a little more.. and even so.. they can't depend on alimony to keep it going. Still have to find a job and be independent.
At least women still can ask for alimony. How about man? We can't even ask for it. Even for child maintenance, in which both parents would need to share.. if the custody is with the wife, the hb would expect to pay for maintenance. And if the custody is with the hb (like my case), I don't expect my wife to pay a single cent to help maintain my children. But still I give her unlimited visitation rights. And in return, my wife volunteered to pay for my maid expenses (but she can stop anytime she don't feel like paying as she is doing it on her own accord)
Assuming the ex-hb also will start another family.. and possibly still has parents to take care.. he can't possibly give you everything.. he got no stress?
I can understand women who were housewives.. perhaps the courts will award them a little more.. and even so.. they can't depend on alimony to keep it going. Still have to find a job and be independent.
At least women still can ask for alimony. How about man? We can't even ask for it. Even for child maintenance, in which both parents would need to share.. if the custody is with the wife, the hb would expect to pay for maintenance. And if the custody is with the hb (like my case), I don't expect my wife to pay a single cent to help maintain my children. But still I give her unlimited visitation rights. And in return, my wife volunteered to pay for my maid expenses (but she can stop anytime she don't feel like paying as she is doing it on her own accord)
carrie,
who ISN'T worried?
we shouldn't use worries to justify our greed.
we shouldn't use worries to ask Much More from others than what is reasonable/fair, when others have their own worries
we shouldn't use worries to justify our laziness to fight for a better life.
that's What sharing abt my mum was all abt. Harlow... pri2 education, 2 kids, 2rm flat, poor, low blood pressure, migraine, constantly weak after giving brith to me... still worked 3 jobs a day, still did not harbour hopes of handouts, still did not try to squeeze more household money from my dad. she fulfilled her 100%.
with her little education she also know she needs dough... but at least she's smart to know she has to create it Herself, and not expect it all the time.
Worry is useless if there's no action but just base solutions on hoping, wishing, expecting... and now - squeezing unreasonably.
how to use the predicament of a single mother to justify all these? if end up rob for money instead of working for money - u think the judge will say u so poor thing and let u off? he'll be asking u why u CHOSE the easy way out? when u had every choice to just work for your 100%
who ISN'T worried?
we shouldn't use worries to justify our greed.
we shouldn't use worries to ask Much More from others than what is reasonable/fair, when others have their own worries
we shouldn't use worries to justify our laziness to fight for a better life.
that's What sharing abt my mum was all abt. Harlow... pri2 education, 2 kids, 2rm flat, poor, low blood pressure, migraine, constantly weak after giving brith to me... still worked 3 jobs a day, still did not harbour hopes of handouts, still did not try to squeeze more household money from my dad. she fulfilled her 100%.
with her little education she also know she needs dough... but at least she's smart to know she has to create it Herself, and not expect it all the time.
Worry is useless if there's no action but just base solutions on hoping, wishing, expecting... and now - squeezing unreasonably.
how to use the predicament of a single mother to justify all these? if end up rob for money instead of working for money - u think the judge will say u so poor thing and let u off? he'll be asking u why u CHOSE the easy way out? when u had every choice to just work for your 100%
Hey doLL I like what you write. "Women live longer than men in general. Even if there is no divorce, you may still end up having to take care of yourself during your final 5-10 years or even longer."....
Especially ==> "Thus, my conviction that we women have to be financially responsible for ourselves. "
Especially ==> "Thus, my conviction that we women have to be financially responsible for ourselves. "
sgbabydoll
Active Member
Carrie
Women like you and I (I assume we are in the same age range) are not helpless like women of previous generations. We are educated and we have great job opportunities. We can definitely achieve career success and financial independence with smart planning. Being a divorced person did not stop me from thinking that I deserve less myself, and have to take from others. I enjoy my financial freedom.
I believe that when we are able to take financial responsibility for ourselves would we then make better spouse or partner. One male friend recently shared with me how he ran the other way after discovering that a lady he has been dating for a short while has some money problems. Honestly, I concur with his move.
All in all, I am not saying that it's wrong to take from the ex-husband. I only want all women, divorcing or divorced, to start looking hard at whether it's reasonable and smart to expect to be 100% taken care of by their ex-husbands.
Let us get real and get smart now, if we had not been in the past.
Women like you and I (I assume we are in the same age range) are not helpless like women of previous generations. We are educated and we have great job opportunities. We can definitely achieve career success and financial independence with smart planning. Being a divorced person did not stop me from thinking that I deserve less myself, and have to take from others. I enjoy my financial freedom.
I believe that when we are able to take financial responsibility for ourselves would we then make better spouse or partner. One male friend recently shared with me how he ran the other way after discovering that a lady he has been dating for a short while has some money problems. Honestly, I concur with his move.
All in all, I am not saying that it's wrong to take from the ex-husband. I only want all women, divorcing or divorced, to start looking hard at whether it's reasonable and smart to expect to be 100% taken care of by their ex-husbands.
Let us get real and get smart now, if we had not been in the past.
i can concur with that. to be honest, i'm rather surprised that in this day and age where women have fought for the right to work, the right to build their careers with alomost little discrimination... some still retain a rather 'weak female perception'... almost like a direct opposite of MCP.
even the phrase "we women have to be financially responsible for ourselves" is scary to me... it's like - u mean u Didn't Know???
there's only a few circumstance tat i feel requires an ex-husband to continually take care of u... 1) u're from the past era where men worked, women stayed home, 2) u HAD TO give up your career and u did (not u stopped working becos u fancied being a SAHM), 3) hubby didn't want u to work, 4) u contacted illness during the marriage which rendered u unable to work.
and even in these scenarios, if u HAVE TO work, u have to work... what else can u do? better to find income than use the time bitching n fighting for income that isn't yours to begin with.
most local men have come to accept the existence of policies protecting women, and accepted that alimony is something in existence when we took our vows... but if u try to take so much that leaves me with nothing for my future and my ageing parents, then how fair is that? u may be married to me for 10yrs, but my parents took care of me much longer... u take more than what u deserve, u're in fact being greedy.
i can tell u that when faced with such wives... i'd rather not divorce and contest the divorce. i can still have a healthy relationship Outside of the paper marriage, in the first place i dun even need to marry again. so dun push too hard... there are ways of fighting back... just need abit of money and your life can be made worse.
even the phrase "we women have to be financially responsible for ourselves" is scary to me... it's like - u mean u Didn't Know???
there's only a few circumstance tat i feel requires an ex-husband to continually take care of u... 1) u're from the past era where men worked, women stayed home, 2) u HAD TO give up your career and u did (not u stopped working becos u fancied being a SAHM), 3) hubby didn't want u to work, 4) u contacted illness during the marriage which rendered u unable to work.
and even in these scenarios, if u HAVE TO work, u have to work... what else can u do? better to find income than use the time bitching n fighting for income that isn't yours to begin with.
most local men have come to accept the existence of policies protecting women, and accepted that alimony is something in existence when we took our vows... but if u try to take so much that leaves me with nothing for my future and my ageing parents, then how fair is that? u may be married to me for 10yrs, but my parents took care of me much longer... u take more than what u deserve, u're in fact being greedy.
i can tell u that when faced with such wives... i'd rather not divorce and contest the divorce. i can still have a healthy relationship Outside of the paper marriage, in the first place i dun even need to marry again. so dun push too hard... there are ways of fighting back... just need abit of money and your life can be made worse.
sgbabydoll
Active Member
Even if you do get a token amount of alimony from the ex-husband, treat it as a bonus and not a source of income because you never know when he would be unable to fork out that amount anymore.
I have a dear friend who has two children, and upon divorce, her ex-husband transferred a property to her name as he wanted to provide a roof over the head of the children. He also pays for child support. But she chose to start work again despite having just survived breast cancer, to better provide for her children as one of them is severely autistic, as well as for herself.
If you think you are pathetic, I can guarantee you that there are always worse cases out there.
My own case may not make a classic example because there was no children from the marriage, and I wasn't in one of those four situations that Powder had mentioned. But just to share that when my ex-husband and I divorced, I treated him as dead. Well, not literally but metaphorically of course, because he wasn't coming back to me anymore. He had stopped being my husband from that point, and I felt all forms of responsibility to me should absolve from there. With this mindset, I felt totally liberalised.
I have a dear friend who has two children, and upon divorce, her ex-husband transferred a property to her name as he wanted to provide a roof over the head of the children. He also pays for child support. But she chose to start work again despite having just survived breast cancer, to better provide for her children as one of them is severely autistic, as well as for herself.
If you think you are pathetic, I can guarantee you that there are always worse cases out there.
My own case may not make a classic example because there was no children from the marriage, and I wasn't in one of those four situations that Powder had mentioned. But just to share that when my ex-husband and I divorced, I treated him as dead. Well, not literally but metaphorically of course, because he wasn't coming back to me anymore. He had stopped being my husband from that point, and I felt all forms of responsibility to me should absolve from there. With this mindset, I felt totally liberalised.
sgbabydoll
Active Member
"even the phrase "we women have to be financially responsible for ourselves" is scary to me... it's like - u mean u Didn't Know???"
Well, not all men know they have to be financially responsible for themselves too. How's that for you? LOL
Well, not all men know they have to be financially responsible for themselves too. How's that for you? LOL
sgbabydoll
Active Member
I think this is the SunTimes article that Powder has mentioned:
Girls just gotta have funds
Women can end up in dire straits if they are clueless about family finances
By Lorna Tan, Finance Correspondent
I wonder which is worse. Finding out that your hubby has been unfaithful and he wants to leave you, or that he has died without leaving adequate funds for you and your children to live on.
While there is really nothing much you can do except to get on with your life should any of the two events happen, there is definitely something you can do now about your financial matters to make the best of a potentially unpleasant situation.
Studies have shown that when it comes to money matters, we, women, are a vulnerable lot. But we can do much more to protect our interests and those of our family, and ensure that we are not caught off-guard when something untoward happens.
Before I offer some suggestions, here are five facts you should know.
Like it or not, women live longer than men. Men, on average, die five years earlier than women. Visit any old folks' home and you will find more women there than men. According to statistics from the 2008 World Population Data Sheet, the life expectancy for Singapore males is 78 and for females, it is 83.
Women retire at a younger age or have shorter careers. This is because they take time out to become the family caregiver. As a result, many spend their productive years as housewives taking care of their families. It was reported that a woman's average working period with the same firm is 20.6 years, almost a decade shorter than the average man's span of 29.5 years. Women are more likely to have worked part-time too.
On average, women earn less than their male counterparts.
It follows that women are able to make only basic or minimal contributions to the Central Provident Fund (CPF) and some have none. On average, men have 1.69 times more money in their CPF balances than women.
More people are getting divorced. After a divorce, the average man's standard of living goes up 23per cent, while that of the average woman goes down 10per cent.
Women suffer from more debilitating diseases in old age. Studies show that women have 12 disability-filled years in their old age as compared to nine disability-filled years for men with their shorter life span.
The picture that these facts paint is not pretty.
Women live longer but retire earlier with less money. Because of men's shorter life span and because women tend to marry men older than themselves, the odds of women becoming widowed are very
real. As such, we women usually have no spouse to care for us in our long, frail old age. We are also in danger of having little savings by then. This is because by the time we get to that stage, most of the family's savings may have been spent on medical care for our husbands in their last years.
Coupled with another finding that women typically do not take the initiative to do financial planning and are likely to leave key decisions to their spouses, and you have the unpalatable truth: that our risk of financial insecurity is great.
But we can do something about it.
Rather than taking a back seat, start by finding out how much you and your husband are worth. Take an interest in the insurance policies the family has, the sums assured and the coverage. It is worth your while to find out what your husband's bank accounts are and his investments.
Also - and this may sound morbid - it could be helpful to picture your husband dead and imagine yourself picking up the pieces. This was something I did some years ago. It resulted in me generating a spreadsheet of family finances and analysing the financial gaps that I felt needed plugging.
It wasn't rocket science. I simply worked out the family's expenses and projected them till our two kids were of working age. Next, I listed our incomes, savings, insurance, assets, investments and outstanding loans. I divided the net wealth with the amount of projected annual expenses to see how many years it could last.
From there, I could work out the shortfall and estimate how much insurance my hubby and I needed should either of us kick the bucket or become disabled before the kids became independent.
It resulted in me having a serious discussion with my hubby on the need to buy more term insurance and disability income cover because I felt that what he had was insufficient for me and our two growing kids should something happen to him.
Here are some other pointers to get you started.
Find out if your husband has a will. What are the contents of the will? Who are the beneficiaries of his CPF monies? Is there an emergency fund to take care of immediate expenses as you will need time before you can liquidate the more illiquid assets like properties? Where will the funds come from to pay for family expenses and the kids' education? What are his insurance policies and where are they kept? What are the death benefits? Do you know what his assets and investments are?
Was your property bought in 'joint tenancy'? This is to ensure that the property automatically goes to the surviving spouse in the event of death. If it was bought under 'tenancy in common', the co-owner's share does not automatically go to the spouse.
Next, look at your own financial situation and take some action. You should have your own insurance plans, particularly medical ones like a hospitalisation plan, and, if you can afford it, a critical illness plan that covers you beyond 60. The latter gives a lump sum should you be diagnosed with one of 30 specified illnesses.
If your husband does not have a will, you may want to make sure that you have a joint account with him so that you can withdraw the money should he die first. Furthermore, you may want to consider having your own will if you wish to leave some money and/or items to people outside your nuclear family, such as your parents, siblings, relatives and friends.
Finance experts advise women to take an interest in building their own nest eggs over and above any joint savings or investments they may have with their husbands. This is prudent in case he is declared bankrupt or accumulates huge debts.
Also, educate yourself on the different investment tools out there, such as equities and bonds. Women have been known to be conservative investors relying mainly on cash and fixed deposits. However, returns on such investments are low and inflation alone will slowly erode your savings. Think of investing your money more wisely and efficiently.
So women, let's empower ourselves. It is International Women's Day today. There is no better time to get started.
Girls just gotta have funds
Women can end up in dire straits if they are clueless about family finances
By Lorna Tan, Finance Correspondent
I wonder which is worse. Finding out that your hubby has been unfaithful and he wants to leave you, or that he has died without leaving adequate funds for you and your children to live on.
While there is really nothing much you can do except to get on with your life should any of the two events happen, there is definitely something you can do now about your financial matters to make the best of a potentially unpleasant situation.
Studies have shown that when it comes to money matters, we, women, are a vulnerable lot. But we can do much more to protect our interests and those of our family, and ensure that we are not caught off-guard when something untoward happens.
Before I offer some suggestions, here are five facts you should know.
Like it or not, women live longer than men. Men, on average, die five years earlier than women. Visit any old folks' home and you will find more women there than men. According to statistics from the 2008 World Population Data Sheet, the life expectancy for Singapore males is 78 and for females, it is 83.
Women retire at a younger age or have shorter careers. This is because they take time out to become the family caregiver. As a result, many spend their productive years as housewives taking care of their families. It was reported that a woman's average working period with the same firm is 20.6 years, almost a decade shorter than the average man's span of 29.5 years. Women are more likely to have worked part-time too.
On average, women earn less than their male counterparts.
It follows that women are able to make only basic or minimal contributions to the Central Provident Fund (CPF) and some have none. On average, men have 1.69 times more money in their CPF balances than women.
More people are getting divorced. After a divorce, the average man's standard of living goes up 23per cent, while that of the average woman goes down 10per cent.
Women suffer from more debilitating diseases in old age. Studies show that women have 12 disability-filled years in their old age as compared to nine disability-filled years for men with their shorter life span.
The picture that these facts paint is not pretty.
Women live longer but retire earlier with less money. Because of men's shorter life span and because women tend to marry men older than themselves, the odds of women becoming widowed are very
real. As such, we women usually have no spouse to care for us in our long, frail old age. We are also in danger of having little savings by then. This is because by the time we get to that stage, most of the family's savings may have been spent on medical care for our husbands in their last years.
Coupled with another finding that women typically do not take the initiative to do financial planning and are likely to leave key decisions to their spouses, and you have the unpalatable truth: that our risk of financial insecurity is great.
But we can do something about it.
Rather than taking a back seat, start by finding out how much you and your husband are worth. Take an interest in the insurance policies the family has, the sums assured and the coverage. It is worth your while to find out what your husband's bank accounts are and his investments.
Also - and this may sound morbid - it could be helpful to picture your husband dead and imagine yourself picking up the pieces. This was something I did some years ago. It resulted in me generating a spreadsheet of family finances and analysing the financial gaps that I felt needed plugging.
It wasn't rocket science. I simply worked out the family's expenses and projected them till our two kids were of working age. Next, I listed our incomes, savings, insurance, assets, investments and outstanding loans. I divided the net wealth with the amount of projected annual expenses to see how many years it could last.
From there, I could work out the shortfall and estimate how much insurance my hubby and I needed should either of us kick the bucket or become disabled before the kids became independent.
It resulted in me having a serious discussion with my hubby on the need to buy more term insurance and disability income cover because I felt that what he had was insufficient for me and our two growing kids should something happen to him.
Here are some other pointers to get you started.
Find out if your husband has a will. What are the contents of the will? Who are the beneficiaries of his CPF monies? Is there an emergency fund to take care of immediate expenses as you will need time before you can liquidate the more illiquid assets like properties? Where will the funds come from to pay for family expenses and the kids' education? What are his insurance policies and where are they kept? What are the death benefits? Do you know what his assets and investments are?
Was your property bought in 'joint tenancy'? This is to ensure that the property automatically goes to the surviving spouse in the event of death. If it was bought under 'tenancy in common', the co-owner's share does not automatically go to the spouse.
Next, look at your own financial situation and take some action. You should have your own insurance plans, particularly medical ones like a hospitalisation plan, and, if you can afford it, a critical illness plan that covers you beyond 60. The latter gives a lump sum should you be diagnosed with one of 30 specified illnesses.
If your husband does not have a will, you may want to make sure that you have a joint account with him so that you can withdraw the money should he die first. Furthermore, you may want to consider having your own will if you wish to leave some money and/or items to people outside your nuclear family, such as your parents, siblings, relatives and friends.
Finance experts advise women to take an interest in building their own nest eggs over and above any joint savings or investments they may have with their husbands. This is prudent in case he is declared bankrupt or accumulates huge debts.
Also, educate yourself on the different investment tools out there, such as equities and bonds. Women have been known to be conservative investors relying mainly on cash and fixed deposits. However, returns on such investments are low and inflation alone will slowly erode your savings. Think of investing your money more wisely and efficiently.
So women, let's empower ourselves. It is International Women's Day today. There is no better time to get started.
sgbabydoll
Active Member
"if we dun empower ourselves, then we spend our lives seeking the gace and goodwill of others... and that means losing a large chunk of our pride n sense of self-worth!"
I so agree with this.
I so agree with this.
green_tranquility
New Member
That's a great piece of article.
green_tranquility
New Member
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green_tranquility
New Member
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musicmummy
New Member
Well, it really depends on who you marry. Some men do sympathise and give generously and provide a roof over the head for the divorced spouse. Some won't give a cent even if they have every single means to do so.