Save My Marriage. Possible??? Lost Of Direction.........

D

doomsday

New Member
Hi Guys,

Pardon me of my bad english...

i really don't know where to start from.....

Let start from here.

I ROM 2years+ ago, got a resale flat , successfully got my wife a PR. And now things looked really bad.....

Before we ROM i was an self employed,After we ROM i switch to a fix pay job due to the need of contribution of CPF for her PR application.

After which , it landed me to a massive financial problem. ( Due to a 50% less in pay ). The Monthly expenses at that time was about $4.5K.
With all my saving wipe out. All my CC overlimit
(She know it ) The setting up my current flat. But of course she paid over $60K as well. Total set up cost include flat,reno,furn. About $130K.

After she got her PR , i went back to self employed. With no cash flow in hand.. So i left with no choice but to borrow from her. That when she started getting annoying... My first 3 month was really bad , with so many overdue bill to settle. Things move on with all the due payment. By the 9th month thing got worst , she found out that i have $6K due in payment for our flat. But she kept quite, and went on to make $1000 without tell to me.

2 Weeks later , she wrote me a sms asking for divorce, but i manage cool thing off, with some condition.

Things change after 2week later. i got a few deal, and would have some good cash rolling in the next 30-60days. I was kind of relief, finally my hard work paid off. But i was still worries that the lawyer letter may come soon demanding for payment. So that is where I MADE MY WRONG MOVE. i took some cash for her and paid off some of the debt. Without her consent, thinking of putting back before she discoved. But i was totally wrong , 1week later, she found out. I told myself this. That is the end of it.... This divorce is coming for sure. I regret deeply, and i am totally lost of direction....

I really love her, and i dont wanna lose her. Please help to give some advise.
 


why did u take her money without telling her? this is stealing...

what is the root cause? money issues?just because you borrowed money from her and she want to divorce?
 
Wedding vows says thru Thick & thin... I feel that your wife is not... If u cannot handle ur money well, she shld help u out.. not letting u die & not lending u a helping hand...

think twice bro!
 
B.N: Trust is important in a r/s, once break it, it is not easy to mend it. It is definately not a right move to do it w/o her consent and it is harder for her to trust you now. Have a heart to heart talk (but be prepared to be bombarded by her) with your wife, explain to her and of course apologise to her for your wrong move. You have to assure her that it wun be a repeated mistake and ask for another chance. In a r/s, there is bound to be a party who is better in handling financial issues, I am not good with monies and thus, i trust my hubby to take charge of our joint a/cs. My hubby doesn't take this for granted and instead, he tells me everytimes (showing me all the receipts etc) for any withdrawals / deposits of monies. I am sure your wife loves u as well.. try not to bring up divorce that easily..
 
B.N., I agree with Lynn. Your wife should understand your situation and stand by you instead of asking for a divorce via sms. However, you also shouldn't have made things worse by taking her money without her consent. Come to this stage, both of you just got to sit down & talk & be honest with whatever financial issues you have. If both of you still feels for each other, try to work out the money issue & settle all the debts. As husband & wife, both of you shouldn't be selfish & should share the burden together. Well, perhaps both of you can seek help in counselling or some financial advises?
 
G-Baby, Lynn

From your posts, I suppose if your husband does what BN has done, you would not take issue of his act of stealing from you. You even go the extra mile and offer him use of the rest of the money in your bank account?
 
I think the issue here is not just money.. i feel its a matter of trust too...since you already say it her money, i feel that as a couple, the least you shd do is to be frank abt the situation and ask her to lend you the $ to tie you over this period... if after asking and she refuses to lend, than she is not fulfilling her portion of her vows... "thru thick and thin"...
 
Cher, does it mean that you are ready to empty your bank account to help your husband in financial needs to go through thick and thin with him and fulfill the marriage vow? If your account is empty, would you borrow for him?

Why are we passing judgement on BN's wife when there is so little information offered? What do we know???

Firstly, do we know what kind of business is BN doing? Maybe he is in some stuff that his wife isn't supportive of, and she doesn't wish to have a hand in it.

Do we know if the wife doesn't have use of the money in the bank account? We don't. Maybe a family member is sick and she needs to standby with money to help.

Do we know that nothing happened between them before this episode? Maybe BN had done things in the past that has breached wife's trust and stopped her from lending money.
 
Hi BN,

Just sincerely apologise to her, I'm sure she will forgive you.

But you have to ask her whether she will always be there for you because there is no guarentee that the business venture will be a success.

I don't have any examples of foreign brides who let their husband wipe out their bank acc for business. I only know local wifes who do it.

My sis-in law, my collegue and myself all allow to our husbands to wipe out our bank acc for their business.

For myself, I even got a loan from my parents as cash flow is impt in business. Better than borrow from bank or credit card as the interest can kill.

In the end, the business became profitable, we didn't need to use my parents' money.
But as appreciation for my parents' trust in my husband, my hubby return all our money and even gave us a bonus and dotes on us a lot.

We can also feel that our husbands love us more than before regardless of the success of the business.
 
BN :

No matter what, is not right u took her $ without her consent. U r not showing her respect nor building her trust/faith in u by Doing Things Behind her back. In a relationship, esp marriage, HONESTY is the most important.

Dun hv the mindset that " she will not discover so long ......", in chinese there is a saying Zhi Bao Bu Zhu Huo. Is better to be truthful than cover up to destroy her trust in you.
 
Please state whats the condition that you give for holding back the divorce.

if the condition has any link to your recent attempt in finiancial issue, then it shld be just a full stop at the end of the road.
 
doLL: Maybe BN had done things in the past that has breached wife's trust and stopped her from lending money.

To very frank. No one like to borrow money from other. I am a person , who can't open my mouth when talking about money. Look @ my monthly expenses, how long do you think i am able to borrow from friends,parent etc....

Q:Firstly, do we know what kind of business is BN doing? Maybe he is in some stuff that his wife isn't supportive of, and she doesn't wish to have a hand in it.

I am in a decent business , with very low start up cost. Reason , i borrow from her is for daily expenses. And i am very sure my hard work will paid off within a 1year.

Q: Do we know if the wife doesn't have use of the money in the bank account? We don't. Maybe a family member is sick and she needs to standby with money to help.

I can't comment on this. But the money was not taken from the bank account.

Q:Do we know that nothing happened between them before this episode? Maybe BN had done things in the past that has breached wife's trust and stopped her from lending money.

The only issues is i am always late for my bill. That is when she does not like the bank calling the home line. I know she is very piss by all the calls...

End of the day. I know i screwed up , and i deeply regretted.
 
B.N,

never regret of everything that you do.
mistake is beautiful, sexy and attractive. you become better man because of your mistake, marry it.
 
qwerty (saggitarian) : Please state whats the condition that you give for holding back the divorce.

i will pay my bill on time , and lay out all the due payment on the table ( i kept all my bill from her. even i know she would just nag abit and help settle it , but i just can't open my mouth ) , while after my cash come back , she would handle all the payment.

For the past 9 month, the total income brought back was about 20K. But even i cut down my entertaiment, it still not enough for me to cover everthing. I havn't met up with my buddy for a good 9 month. Everyday i just Work - eat - home - sleep...
It so stressful when you see all those bill keep coming. Finally those good money i am taking about would be enough for me to clear all 3 CC. But again , i screwed up....
 
Guys,

Thanks for all the advise , whatever could be done , i have done. She didnt even say a word to me when she left for work. Maybe i would let her cool off first before talking again. But lastly i sense it coming for sure. Perhaps, the only thing is to work hard for more money now.
 
black burn (toyisme) : I believe i will. But it not worth at all. She's the most wonderful lady i have met so far....
 
BN, my questions were not addressed to you but to Cher, G-Baby and Lynn Tan.

Ladies - Sticking through thick and thin does not mean you must empty all your savings to help your significant other. And definitely not to condone wrongdoing such as theft.

BN - You are too proud to borrow but not too proud to steal???!!!!! I don't know what you were thinking.
 
doLL: i have already admitted my mistakes. and i am not asking for your forgiveness. I might gone out of my mind to be a theft as you had mention. I agree is not easy for anyone to forgive what i did. End of the day , who never made mistakes? Perhaps you could name me as a theft so long as you remember this discussion. I might be too sensitive or it my own assumption , but your words look abit aggressive to me.
 
relax .. i think is still solvable ..

good to the fact that you did not use the money for other extra purporses..

i think she just angry that you did not inform her in the first place ..

i know that for a guy to admit the trouble that he is in and also to get money is difficult .. just come clear with it .. what u are going is already very stressful .. be glad that at least she is still beside u .. supporint u emotionally . dun ever try to even let this one go ..
 
BN, there is no aggression against you. I was only trying to ask some ladies here if they would do the same thing that they said your wife should do. If they wouldn't, then why pass judgement?
 
"I don't have any examples of foreign brides who let their husband wipe out their bank acc for business. I only know local wifes who do it."

Albee, do I sensed some discrimination in this sentence? Does it really matter if a woman is a local or foreign wife? What kind of wife a woman wants to be is a very individual thing. How can wives be classified into local and foreign as if all local wives behave one way and all non-local wives another way?
 
Hi doll,

Foreign brides tend to have a greater burden. Many are expected to look after the whole family clan even after they were married overseas.
Maybe that is the reason why they couldn't allow their hubbys full access of their money.

If you have some examples please share because I don't have any.

This will greatly help BN to understand his wife's view point.
 
Albee, I don't look at women as local vs foreign wives. I have seen better foreign wives if you must know, perhaps not in terms of their financials. But nonetheless, great women they are.
 
Hi doll,

Really? Please share with us.

True romantic and aspiring stories.

Proposal stories.

The fact that they are true, endears us more than those korean or japanese drama stories.

Why is there not a thread on this?
Share with us your happiness.
 
There are no stories, just facts. I don't romanticise people's lives.

"Why is there not a thread on this? Share with us your happiness." -- Well, ma'am, for the same reason how come good news receives lesser coverage in the media. And if you limit your exposure to people of a certain type, you only see what you want to see.
 
To TS

First, you're living way beyond your means , which is going to be a problem no matter if you're married or is still a single.

Your type of marriage won't work out, as it is not based on mutual trust but totally based on the need for money to make it work.
 
BN: It appears that you are spending a little beyond your means.. hmm.. you might want to save your marriage by attending a marriage counselloring course with your wife?
 
BN: May I ask if you had apologise to her over the "breaching" of trust? At times, we are just waiting for the "Word of Sorry" from our partner, this will tells us that our partner/love one knows what they had done is not right and the assurance that they won't repeat the mistake again. It is easier to persuade her on counselloring after clearing the first hurdle..
 
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