Hi everybody, I've been with my current bf for about 2 years. He's a nice man and all but just too possessive most of the time to the extent that he would be concerned about who I hang out with, what time I reach home everyday and how I dress when I go out. He's also quite sensitive as to who I work with in the office (we happen to work in the same office) and if I am too close with them. Generally I have more male friends than female ones but these are platonic relationships and he doesn't seem to understand. I feel suffocated at times and feel like giving up but other than this big big flaw in him, he's really a nice person. Hope I can hear some views from you all. Have you encountered someone like this in your life? If yes, how had you dealt with it? If no, what do you think you will do? Thank you for your advice in advance. Much appreciated it.
Possession or love?
- Thread starter rainydays
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yesno333
Member
Move on with ur life.....Definitely a torture to be someone like this...they will never change....unless u enjoy to be on the leash 24/7...><"
Not forgetting this clearly reflects he is a person who lacks self confidence....><"
For me when i got a gf...i dun even bother if she goes out with another guy...coz if that guy is really tat great...he can just takes her away....i would not care less....but then again i have never have a girl that walks out of me b4...lol
Not forgetting this clearly reflects he is a person who lacks self confidence....><"
For me when i got a gf...i dun even bother if she goes out with another guy...coz if that guy is really tat great...he can just takes her away....i would not care less....but then again i have never have a girl that walks out of me b4...lol
Thanks, yesno. I always feel it's easier said than done for me. Partly because he always out-talks me when he rationalises how and why I'm to be blame. He claimed that he did not have similar problems with his previous relationship and that concerns me and I begin to wonder if I am really different and thus contributed to his possessive behaviour towards me.
yesno333
Member
If u believes in wat he says...i truly salutes u.....he is just playing mind games with u.....><"
U should starts asking urself...if this is wat u truly wants in the long run...><"
I am sure he is a person who lacks self confidence in real life...probably not a very successful person to begin with.....><"
This feeling calls "Love" will fades overtime..if u dare to walk out of him....one year from now u will be a happier person...><"
PS : Unless he change...which i highly doubts so....><"
U should starts asking urself...if this is wat u truly wants in the long run...><"
I am sure he is a person who lacks self confidence in real life...probably not a very successful person to begin with.....><"
This feeling calls "Love" will fades overtime..if u dare to walk out of him....one year from now u will be a happier person...><"
PS : Unless he change...which i highly doubts so....><"
How you approach it really depends - on the characters of both of you. If our the other half is sensitive then we need to be sensitive as well. But it has to be because we value the relationship to be sensitive to each other. If you feel being suffocated then it becomes a more serious problem that has to be resolved. You need a good talk to deal with this. What is acceptable to each of you. If cant find a middle ground, then it may be a problem in the future.
yesno333
Member
I dun think there is a middle ground or compromises when u tok abt possessiveness ..... either he changes or u move on .... coz the last thing u want is a guy with low self-esteem or lack of confidence...
If he dun change...u will suffers in the long run.....and eventually either one will walks out and look back n regrets not walking out earlier...><"
Dun believes just wait n see....><"
If he dun change...u will suffers in the long run.....and eventually either one will walks out and look back n regrets not walking out earlier...><"
Dun believes just wait n see....><"
I duno, yesno. To be fair, we started off well till about half a year into our relationship where I told a white lie about going overseas with gal friends when he was busy working. My best friends are guys and we went on a trip together like all other times before I met my bf. All people around me naturally think it's my fault and perhaps it really is and from then on, it was not easy for our relationship. I thought things willget better but not so it seems
Why don't you find someone who doesn't care about you? LOL~
Why don't you work with Yaw Shin Leong as his translator and your guy doesn't care.
Why do you need to find someone who care so much?
I also don't know. You feel suffocating? Simple. Ditch him and find someone who doesn't care... LOL~
Why don't you work with Yaw Shin Leong as his translator and your guy doesn't care.
Why do you need to find someone who care so much?
I also don't know. You feel suffocating? Simple. Ditch him and find someone who doesn't care... LOL~
Scopeguy, I understood his care for me and I appreciated that but it's just too much at times I feel. Maybe it's my fault and I think of it as my responsibility to help him overcome his unfounded worries but it's been awhile and I'm beginning to feel tired of seeing any positive change.
miloice
Well-Known Member
"Partly because he always out-talks me when he rationalises how and why I'm to be blame"
someone that doesn't accepts who you are and always blaming. WAKE UP. It is not your responsibility for a man to deal with his insecurity. Not as if you are sneaky. If it is, then you must cage yourself up whenever he is not with you so that he knows for sure his favorite pet is nicely in his cage waiting for him.
But u guys click well cos, he is always blaming u and you are always willing to give some excuse for him. So, go on with the relationship.
Do you have a fetish to be dominated in your relationship??
someone that doesn't accepts who you are and always blaming. WAKE UP. It is not your responsibility for a man to deal with his insecurity. Not as if you are sneaky. If it is, then you must cage yourself up whenever he is not with you so that he knows for sure his favorite pet is nicely in his cage waiting for him.
But u guys click well cos, he is always blaming u and you are always willing to give some excuse for him. So, go on with the relationship.
Do you have a fetish to be dominated in your relationship??
Lynette,
You just have to learn to cope. If you can't learn to cope, then the reason for breaking is not about him caring too much or there is no trust... it's just personality. Which is, the guy doesn't suits you.
I just want you to know, if you find him nice... and if caring too much is the only issue... logically putting it, are you going for a guy who can't be bothered?
You have to think hard about it, that if you want to give up a relationship because a guy is too bothered... maybe it's possible to instead learn to adjust yourself a bit.
If you do love him, this is a minor issue that you have to embrace. If you don't love him... if your 'love' is about criteria and such, then leave him.
There is another point but I reckon it's not needed to explain here.
In any case, we are not you, I can't make the decision for you... But you can try this...
Break up with him for a while, tell him so that the break up will be a for while... release yourself and him... and see. Let nature be thereafter. You'd probably find things easier to understand when you get together again.
You just have to learn to cope. If you can't learn to cope, then the reason for breaking is not about him caring too much or there is no trust... it's just personality. Which is, the guy doesn't suits you.
I just want you to know, if you find him nice... and if caring too much is the only issue... logically putting it, are you going for a guy who can't be bothered?
You have to think hard about it, that if you want to give up a relationship because a guy is too bothered... maybe it's possible to instead learn to adjust yourself a bit.
If you do love him, this is a minor issue that you have to embrace. If you don't love him... if your 'love' is about criteria and such, then leave him.
There is another point but I reckon it's not needed to explain here.
In any case, we are not you, I can't make the decision for you... But you can try this...
Break up with him for a while, tell him so that the break up will be a for while... release yourself and him... and see. Let nature be thereafter. You'd probably find things easier to understand when you get together again.
miloice
Well-Known Member
Lynette, are you happy this way? If no, then there is no need for excuses or reasons. You are not happy in the relationship. It is really this simple. A working relationship should bring the best of the couple. i.e. you influence each other positively and naturally having great fun and quality growing together.
miloice
Well-Known Member
is your family dating him ? No right, you are. How would they even know your issues you have in the relationship. No one should know better than yourself. If there is no issue, would you even write in this forum asking for opinions.
Caring for you isn't the same as dominating you. He is paranoid and too possessive. He has issues to cope with his own insecurity and blames you for it. You can be understanding and help him through it, but it takes 2 to tango. He needs to realize and accept his issues and be willing to work on it together than blame you.
Caring for you isn't the same as dominating you. He is paranoid and too possessive. He has issues to cope with his own insecurity and blames you for it. You can be understanding and help him through it, but it takes 2 to tango. He needs to realize and accept his issues and be willing to work on it together than blame you.
In a relationship there is not so much of right or wrong as oppose to what is acceptable to both in the area of possessiveness . Each of us has different levels of possessiveness and we need to be at a level acceptable to both and hence some compromises are needed. Unless we are dealing with extreme case, we should try to put out partner at ease in the most general sense.
I have female friends like you going on trips with guy friends without the knowledge of their bf/hb. They feel it is their right as they are just friends - of course it is not wrong to think in this manner. But not all men can accept their GF/wife going on trips with guy friends - in some cases even sharing of rooms. You may just lie that going with gal friends but be prepared when truth is known like in your case, the trust is broken.
Now if cant find acceptable levels of understanding with regards to friends of opposite sex and feeling suffocated, perhaps it may be better to stop the relationship. If there is no trust in a relationship, what is the point?
I have female friends like you going on trips with guy friends without the knowledge of their bf/hb. They feel it is their right as they are just friends - of course it is not wrong to think in this manner. But not all men can accept their GF/wife going on trips with guy friends - in some cases even sharing of rooms. You may just lie that going with gal friends but be prepared when truth is known like in your case, the trust is broken.
Now if cant find acceptable levels of understanding with regards to friends of opposite sex and feeling suffocated, perhaps it may be better to stop the relationship. If there is no trust in a relationship, what is the point?
Hi Lynette
I once made that choice once upon a time, although my partner wasn't so possessive/controlling. He just felt uncomfortable with some of my guy friends.
Looking at how your boyfriend feels, it will come to a point in time where you will have to choose between him and your male friends (no matter how platonic you feel they are). He's not at that level where he feels secure with you hanging out with other male friends. So are you willing to accept not having close male friends?
If you value your relationship with him, then you should be prepared to cut down your friendships to a level where you both find acceptable (to him, it could even be at an acquaintance level). But if you value your friendships and freedom more, then yes, you're probably better off not being with him.
(and Scope's right on that point)
I once made that choice once upon a time, although my partner wasn't so possessive/controlling. He just felt uncomfortable with some of my guy friends.
Looking at how your boyfriend feels, it will come to a point in time where you will have to choose between him and your male friends (no matter how platonic you feel they are). He's not at that level where he feels secure with you hanging out with other male friends. So are you willing to accept not having close male friends?
If you value your relationship with him, then you should be prepared to cut down your friendships to a level where you both find acceptable (to him, it could even be at an acquaintance level). But if you value your friendships and freedom more, then yes, you're probably better off not being with him.
(and Scope's right on that point)
miloice
Well-Known Member
While i agree there is right or wrong, the later incidents brought up by Lynette are valid enough points that could trig some insecurity in her bf, however, the dominating and not trusting behavior is something on-going.
to quote from her initial post :
"concerned about who I hang out with, what time I reach home everyday and how I dress when I go out. He's also quite sensitive as to who I work with in the office (we happen to work in the same office) and if I am too close with them"
If you look at these very basic things, one cannot deniel he has an issue here. Its not about comfort level. There could be extreme cases where some women do enjoy such control over them, Lynette, however, doesn't seem to be one.
Learning to cope with each other is something all couples need to do but, it has to be a team and not one party blaming and expecting the other to comply. Its suffocating this manner.
to quote from her initial post :
"concerned about who I hang out with, what time I reach home everyday and how I dress when I go out. He's also quite sensitive as to who I work with in the office (we happen to work in the same office) and if I am too close with them"
If you look at these very basic things, one cannot deniel he has an issue here. Its not about comfort level. There could be extreme cases where some women do enjoy such control over them, Lynette, however, doesn't seem to be one.
Learning to cope with each other is something all couples need to do but, it has to be a team and not one party blaming and expecting the other to comply. Its suffocating this manner.
i've heard so many cases where the woman is not happy and wants out but is being 'out-talked' by the guy to stay.
indeed there is no right or wrong way to conduct a relatioship. But, there is a happy or sad way. Let's not ask whether it is right or wrong. Rather, ask if you are happy or sad.
Conventional wisdom says this level of possessiveness in a relationship is not healthy. Clearly the person who wants such control is very insecure. There is no guarantee he will stay as attractive as he was in the beginning of the relationship. Human beings are funny creatures, sometimes a little bit of push pull is needed.
Between mature parties in a relationship, if there is a certain element of freedom, and it is appreciated, one will know not to take it for granted, or end up with someone seemingly more caring, involved, concerned but much more possessive.
What might help is if you intro you guy friends to him. Possessiveness and insecurity is one thing. But even if your partner does not display those traits, you may take the iniative to get him involved with your friends and have him get to know them, and vice versa. If he is a well-balanced open-minded person, he should see this as a good thing, that you want to earn his trust and are letting him know who the people in your life are.
indeed there is no right or wrong way to conduct a relatioship. But, there is a happy or sad way. Let's not ask whether it is right or wrong. Rather, ask if you are happy or sad.
Conventional wisdom says this level of possessiveness in a relationship is not healthy. Clearly the person who wants such control is very insecure. There is no guarantee he will stay as attractive as he was in the beginning of the relationship. Human beings are funny creatures, sometimes a little bit of push pull is needed.
Between mature parties in a relationship, if there is a certain element of freedom, and it is appreciated, one will know not to take it for granted, or end up with someone seemingly more caring, involved, concerned but much more possessive.
What might help is if you intro you guy friends to him. Possessiveness and insecurity is one thing. But even if your partner does not display those traits, you may take the iniative to get him involved with your friends and have him get to know them, and vice versa. If he is a well-balanced open-minded person, he should see this as a good thing, that you want to earn his trust and are letting him know who the people in your life are.
arsenal_84
Member
in short, he is uncomfortable with your guy friends.
either you cut down your outings with guys or you can simply ditch him.
there is no best of both worlds unless you're super good in macro managing your rs with others.
so far, you haven't been able to balance both sides, perhaps is time you'll be fair to him and give yourself a break.
either you cut down your outings with guys or you can simply ditch him.
there is no best of both worlds unless you're super good in macro managing your rs with others.
so far, you haven't been able to balance both sides, perhaps is time you'll be fair to him and give yourself a break.
I won't be able to stand possessiveness and IMO, your bf has overdo it. I mean come on, my parents also cannot control what I wear, who I hang out with, etc.. Who is he to do so? These people gave you good advice already.
It's either you make some tweaks here and there to accommodate him or take the easier way out, which is to break up. If you are happier after making these changes, then great. But chances are you will not cos seems like he does not respect you. Then you will have to re-consider your rs.
It's either you make some tweaks here and there to accommodate him or take the easier way out, which is to break up. If you are happier after making these changes, then great. But chances are you will not cos seems like he does not respect you. Then you will have to re-consider your rs.
Lynette, the fact is you began by breaking the trust of your bf and hence all these problems that you have to face now. I would think if u have tried and still no improvement in your relationship, then it is time to let go even if it's gonna be painful. U mentioned about taking responsibility then it's time I think you take responsibility to say gdbye and heal your wounds.
Hi everybody, I had a long day at work today so could not reply to all your posts. Thank you for sharing so many views of yours. I'll take some time to respond.
Matka, you mentioned this. If you value your relationship with him, then you should be prepared to cut down your friendships to a level where you both find acceptable (to him, it could even be at an acquaintance level). But if you value your friendships and freedom more, then yes, you're probably better off not being with him.
Matka, I don't think I ever compared my friendships, freedom and my bf before. To me, these cannot be compared. Those friends are my childhood friend and our parents are friends kind so we are close like siblings. I had told him before if anything were to happen, it would have happened long long time ago.
Bedokboy, I thought of introducing him my friends too but eversince he discovered my white lie through the facebook..you know, those irritating tagging functions, he does not trust me and does not even want to meet my guy friends at all. We only hang out with his friends, our relatives but not my friends. He does not restrict my freedom entirely for example I still meet my guy friends but he will ask many many questions like where we went to, what we did, why we did certain things and so forth. We quarrelled before on these. For a while he will stop but history will repeat itself.
Yes, Miyako. The part about commenting on what I wear is what I cannot stand. Of course he doesn't really 'control' what I wear because I sort of can't be controlled type anyway but he will comment and comment and comment and it is irritating to hear. I don't know if things will be better and you are right. I have a feeling he will not change at all as long as I am with him but I don't know. There are both happy times and unhappy times like what bedokboy asked. I can only say if minus this trait of his, we really get along very well
Matka, you mentioned this. If you value your relationship with him, then you should be prepared to cut down your friendships to a level where you both find acceptable (to him, it could even be at an acquaintance level). But if you value your friendships and freedom more, then yes, you're probably better off not being with him.
Matka, I don't think I ever compared my friendships, freedom and my bf before. To me, these cannot be compared. Those friends are my childhood friend and our parents are friends kind so we are close like siblings. I had told him before if anything were to happen, it would have happened long long time ago.
Bedokboy, I thought of introducing him my friends too but eversince he discovered my white lie through the facebook..you know, those irritating tagging functions, he does not trust me and does not even want to meet my guy friends at all. We only hang out with his friends, our relatives but not my friends. He does not restrict my freedom entirely for example I still meet my guy friends but he will ask many many questions like where we went to, what we did, why we did certain things and so forth. We quarrelled before on these. For a while he will stop but history will repeat itself.
Yes, Miyako. The part about commenting on what I wear is what I cannot stand. Of course he doesn't really 'control' what I wear because I sort of can't be controlled type anyway but he will comment and comment and comment and it is irritating to hear. I don't know if things will be better and you are right. I have a feeling he will not change at all as long as I am with him but I don't know. There are both happy times and unhappy times like what bedokboy asked. I can only say if minus this trait of his, we really get along very well
Hi Lynette, exactly. You wouldn't have to evaluate anything if he had no problems at all. Right now, you can't change how he feels, his opinion, etc. His upbringing and environment has been different from yours. To you, your guy friends are nothing but friends - I know how that feels. You can try convincing him till the cows come home, but until he reaches that point himself internally, no amount of assurance on your part can automatically make him feel secure about your friendships.
So in the end, you've still gotta choose.
So in the end, you've still gotta choose.
Lynette, I understand where you are coming from. It's such a pity to give up on a rs just bcos of this hurdle when you get along so well right? But look at it from another angle.. Do you see things improving after your quarrels? Or it's repetitive till to a point that is affecting your rs?
From the way you described, it seems like this issue is obstructing both of you. How many of us can say that we accept our partners 100% and do not expect them to change? I would say it's few and far in between. Cos expectations will always be there.
Just a word of caution.. No matter how small an issue is, try to get it sorted out and move on. Cos you do not want it to snowball and get out of control. And no matter how small it is, as long as it makes both of you unhappy, it is a big issue. Like it or not.
Take some time to think things through and let your bf know your fears. Even if you feel that you can tolerate his behaviour for 1 year, 2 years.. But what about 10 years, 20 years down the road?
Just to share.. My ex trusts me a lot and does not restrain me to meet any of my guy friends, even alone. And sometimes I overimagine that he won't even mind if I run away with another guy. There should be a balance.. Somewhat between respecting someone and being possessive.
From the way you described, it seems like this issue is obstructing both of you. How many of us can say that we accept our partners 100% and do not expect them to change? I would say it's few and far in between. Cos expectations will always be there.
Just a word of caution.. No matter how small an issue is, try to get it sorted out and move on. Cos you do not want it to snowball and get out of control. And no matter how small it is, as long as it makes both of you unhappy, it is a big issue. Like it or not.
Take some time to think things through and let your bf know your fears. Even if you feel that you can tolerate his behaviour for 1 year, 2 years.. But what about 10 years, 20 years down the road?
Just to share.. My ex trusts me a lot and does not restrain me to meet any of my guy friends, even alone. And sometimes I overimagine that he won't even mind if I run away with another guy. There should be a balance.. Somewhat between respecting someone and being possessive.
wahhh so many angles to take from here.
1. 'aside from this, we are comfortable'. You are also very comfortable with most of your guy friends right? What's the difference between your platonic friendships with your 'brothers' and your relationship with this dude?
2. explain one last time that it was early in the relationship and you got lazy as to how to explain the histories of the friendships you have with your good guy friends and that's why you lied. Tell him you are very sorry you cannot change the past but moving forward you want to earn his trust by bringing him along on your group outings. If you are not bullshitting him that you have few girlfriends, he must understand that you need an outlet for different social needs and your friends are almost as important as he is to you. It's not like after you met him then you go pubbing clubbing and meet these new guy friends. They are a part of your life as you have known them for a while. Maybe you can talk more about your guy friends' significant others. Are you close to them as well?
3. From all the posts, it does seem he is terribly insecure. And if you seem to hint that you are somewhat of a free spirit, such insecurity will not tie you down. From past experience on my own as well as other people's stories, the element of irony is very powerful. A free spirit cannot be tied down by force, but by free will. And that free will has to come internally, over time. Between then and now, if you are with such a partner, you buy credits by consistently showing a relatively free rein of freedom and trust. Such a free spirit will start to wonder, 'i'm getting a darn good deal here, of course also assuming that we also get along fine, the sex is good enough, etc, but I cannot imagine life with another guy because this current one trusts me so much I won't wanna abuse it'. Of course there are also fxxkups out there who do take it for granted lah. Haha.
1. 'aside from this, we are comfortable'. You are also very comfortable with most of your guy friends right? What's the difference between your platonic friendships with your 'brothers' and your relationship with this dude?
2. explain one last time that it was early in the relationship and you got lazy as to how to explain the histories of the friendships you have with your good guy friends and that's why you lied. Tell him you are very sorry you cannot change the past but moving forward you want to earn his trust by bringing him along on your group outings. If you are not bullshitting him that you have few girlfriends, he must understand that you need an outlet for different social needs and your friends are almost as important as he is to you. It's not like after you met him then you go pubbing clubbing and meet these new guy friends. They are a part of your life as you have known them for a while. Maybe you can talk more about your guy friends' significant others. Are you close to them as well?
3. From all the posts, it does seem he is terribly insecure. And if you seem to hint that you are somewhat of a free spirit, such insecurity will not tie you down. From past experience on my own as well as other people's stories, the element of irony is very powerful. A free spirit cannot be tied down by force, but by free will. And that free will has to come internally, over time. Between then and now, if you are with such a partner, you buy credits by consistently showing a relatively free rein of freedom and trust. Such a free spirit will start to wonder, 'i'm getting a darn good deal here, of course also assuming that we also get along fine, the sex is good enough, etc, but I cannot imagine life with another guy because this current one trusts me so much I won't wanna abuse it'. Of course there are also fxxkups out there who do take it for granted lah. Haha.
italianosportivo
Member
I am also guilty of being possessive at some stage but it started out when she (my wife) planted a seed in me when there was a time we had a very heated argument and she went to find her ex.
It is this seed that grows into mistrust and erupted into more and more questioning or uneasiness. It could had been prevented if it started with me being more understanding and she being open and try to be more transparent. Again the favourite phrase, takes two to clap. In my case, in went so far south that ended in an inevitable divorce.
There is no right or wrong answer, you play a part and he as well. Although I do not know what has happened, I hope you can resolve this with him soon. Don't look at this as a flaw, look at this as opportunity to know that this problem exist and how both of you going to solve it since he is a nice guy as how you mentioned.
It is this seed that grows into mistrust and erupted into more and more questioning or uneasiness. It could had been prevented if it started with me being more understanding and she being open and try to be more transparent. Again the favourite phrase, takes two to clap. In my case, in went so far south that ended in an inevitable divorce.
There is no right or wrong answer, you play a part and he as well. Although I do not know what has happened, I hope you can resolve this with him soon. Don't look at this as a flaw, look at this as opportunity to know that this problem exist and how both of you going to solve it since he is a nice guy as how you mentioned.
I've been doing a lot of reading about what lying does to a relationship. It says that even when the partner doesn't find out, even if the lie is small, that it damages the relationship somewhat and the partner can sense it somehow even if he or she doesn't know what it is.
If he's has always been possessive and controlling, then I guess these are his issues. If this started after you lied it could just be an issue of his inability to trust you. Obviously, he's insecure abt the relationship.
Obviously u like to retain your freedom of being able to hang out w ur guy friends and even go on holidays w them. Say we reverse the role, he went on a holiday w a bunch of female Frds and he being only the only guy, are u ok w it? Wld u be ok if u found out he lied about it?
Only u can know if this is reasonable jealousy or is he verging on being controlling.
If he's has always been possessive and controlling, then I guess these are his issues. If this started after you lied it could just be an issue of his inability to trust you. Obviously, he's insecure abt the relationship.
Obviously u like to retain your freedom of being able to hang out w ur guy friends and even go on holidays w them. Say we reverse the role, he went on a holiday w a bunch of female Frds and he being only the only guy, are u ok w it? Wld u be ok if u found out he lied about it?
Only u can know if this is reasonable jealousy or is he verging on being controlling.
Soisuka, I have a feeling that this happens only after I've lied.
This is why I kept blaming myself and thought it's my responsibility to improve the relationship. It is also the same reason for my certain level of tolerance to his possessive or controlling behaviour.
Frankly, I would be okay if he went overseas with a group of female friends as long as it's not he with only one female friend. For example I'm okay with him sharing a hotel room with two girls instead of one. If he lied about it, I will not be happy but I believe given time, I will be okay. Then again, I am not him so I am not sure if he was like that in the past or he only grew to become possessive after my lie. Sigh. This is such a headache. I wished I'd never lied.
This is why I kept blaming myself and thought it's my responsibility to improve the relationship. It is also the same reason for my certain level of tolerance to his possessive or controlling behaviour.
Frankly, I would be okay if he went overseas with a group of female friends as long as it's not he with only one female friend. For example I'm okay with him sharing a hotel room with two girls instead of one. If he lied about it, I will not be happy but I believe given time, I will be okay. Then again, I am not him so I am not sure if he was like that in the past or he only grew to become possessive after my lie. Sigh. This is such a headache. I wished I'd never lied.
wow, you are very secure, kowtows to u. Two girls instead of one? Have u ever wonder how you have this level of security with him and why he doesn't have it with u?
We can't change other pp, just ourselves. So how about focusing on how you communicate with him? Have u always been an open person? If you have to be open about things like where you go, with whom for the rest of your life, can you live with that?
Although I have to ask, why did u lied about it?Bcos u also say you won't be happy if he lied about it. Did you not trust that he could handle the truth? Or did u on some level found it a little inappropriate?
You have to address this trust issue early, if not like Torn Guy says its like a seed of poison, your relationship will just be doomed. You'll resent him for asking, he'll resent u for not telling....then you'll be back here with worse issues. Or you can just find someone else with a temperament more compatible with urs.
We can't change other pp, just ourselves. So how about focusing on how you communicate with him? Have u always been an open person? If you have to be open about things like where you go, with whom for the rest of your life, can you live with that?
Although I have to ask, why did u lied about it?Bcos u also say you won't be happy if he lied about it. Did you not trust that he could handle the truth? Or did u on some level found it a little inappropriate?
You have to address this trust issue early, if not like Torn Guy says its like a seed of poison, your relationship will just be doomed. You'll resent him for asking, he'll resent u for not telling....then you'll be back here with worse issues. Or you can just find someone else with a temperament more compatible with urs.
Hi Soisuka,
thank you for your reply. It was a 'white lie' to me. When I first informed him that I would be travelling overseas with friends, he didn't ask but assume my companions are female friends. I personally did not think it would be inappropriate but of course, putting myself in his shoes, I do think it might be hard for him to understand the type of platonic relationship I share with these two guy friends.
I am quite an open person in discussing things openly with my partner but ever since that incident, my bf likes to probe more about my whereabouts etc and I begin to be less open unknowingly in telling him things. Sometimes even after trying to explain everything patiently, there seems to be this degree of distrust lingering in the air still. It also does not stop him from asking similar questions in the future.
Erm, I have never asked myself why I have this level of security with him but he doesn't have it with me. I think it could be that I myself have such platonic relationship with male friends so I do believe platonic relationships exist and hence if it happens to him, I will not feel insecure. As for him, he was not like that before that incident. He was just a normal bf to me. Sigh. I think the sequence of everything is so wrong. If I had introduced my friends to him from the start and told him the truth or did not go overseas at all, all these would not have happened. I think so at least.
thank you for your reply. It was a 'white lie' to me. When I first informed him that I would be travelling overseas with friends, he didn't ask but assume my companions are female friends. I personally did not think it would be inappropriate but of course, putting myself in his shoes, I do think it might be hard for him to understand the type of platonic relationship I share with these two guy friends.
I am quite an open person in discussing things openly with my partner but ever since that incident, my bf likes to probe more about my whereabouts etc and I begin to be less open unknowingly in telling him things. Sometimes even after trying to explain everything patiently, there seems to be this degree of distrust lingering in the air still. It also does not stop him from asking similar questions in the future.
Erm, I have never asked myself why I have this level of security with him but he doesn't have it with me. I think it could be that I myself have such platonic relationship with male friends so I do believe platonic relationships exist and hence if it happens to him, I will not feel insecure. As for him, he was not like that before that incident. He was just a normal bf to me. Sigh. I think the sequence of everything is so wrong. If I had introduced my friends to him from the start and told him the truth or did not go overseas at all, all these would not have happened. I think so at least.
Seems like it started on a wrong footing. But if he is a possessive type of guy then he will still be uncomfortable even if he knew yr friends.
R u prepared to change or him? Can he accept u as u r? If answer to 2 question is no then I think both of u shd seriously think abt how to b together in years to come. Right now u r nit yet marry to him so I believe he restrain himself a bit. Once u r married, think the situation will be worse. He will control u more.
If u really love him a lot then consider to change yrself. It is always difficult to change others n easier o change oneself. If u r not prepare to change then dun expect him to change.
In a r/s, we have to b considerate towards each other. Think abt their concern, feelings, etc.... Communication is very impt, talk to him.
R u prepared to change or him? Can he accept u as u r? If answer to 2 question is no then I think both of u shd seriously think abt how to b together in years to come. Right now u r nit yet marry to him so I believe he restrain himself a bit. Once u r married, think the situation will be worse. He will control u more.
If u really love him a lot then consider to change yrself. It is always difficult to change others n easier o change oneself. If u r not prepare to change then dun expect him to change.
In a r/s, we have to b considerate towards each other. Think abt their concern, feelings, etc.... Communication is very impt, talk to him.
Why don't u try just being open about everything. Just offer information before he even ask, tell him in advance where you're going, whom ur meeting. Tell him abt the meeting, what u did, what u talk abt. See if that helps. Maybe cos u are withholding, he feels like there's a shroud of secrecy and needs to probe more. If there's nothing to hide, jus tell la, I thot couples suppose to share lol