Parents does not accept bf-husband to be

C

coral_blues

New Member
have been with my bf for the past 4 yrs...however since the 1st mth we were together my parents were very much against him...initially they stated that he does not have good qualifications however after he attained his qualifications...they still do not accept him...citing that they just dun like him feel we are not compatible...we wanted to talk to my parents and sort it out but my parents said they will chase him out of the house with a broom if they see him...so far they oni met once (2 yrs ago)...n dats when they lay down the terms saying he needs to get his qualifications and other stuff...now he has done all..they still refused to accept him..

I am at a lost on what to do...they refused to talk and say they just feel i will not get my happiness with him...and they will not attend our wedding and give their blessings nor acknowledge our children in future if we have any...they tell me they cannot accept soemone they dun like just like i wun not accept if they force me to be with someone i dun like...they did mention that i can break up and keep finding someone else till that someone else is a guy they like and can accept...but this is not gonna be a solution...

the funny thing is they still treat me as a daughter...treating me nicely...but just that ever since they said they are not gonna attend the wedding we nv talk abt my bf and i already...

I still respect and treat them nicely but many times i really wish they can just give us a chance

i really do not know how to tell them that i am getting married..i am happy that i will be getting married yet troubled over my parents' feeling ...is there anyone who can advise me?
 


all the more u need to go ahead wif ur plans if u r truly confident that ur bf can give u happiness... time will tell whether it is a perfect union...
 
i am quite sure...as after so much have happened..he is still standing by me...supporting me..nv once he ran away..even during our 1st mth when my parents demand to see him...he nv think twice and just came which surprised my parents totally as they thot he will be afraid...he keeps wanting to speak to my parents to ask them to give us a chance...but my parents just locked him out the house...

the only thing is i really wish my parents can attend the wedding which they told me...they are not gonna give in to me knowing this is my oni request from them...hurts greatly when they said that...
 
if ur parents love you, they will give u their blessings...maybe they mouth talk very harshly but heart soft like toufu??

go ahead with ur wedding plans..it is not disrespecting but bear in mind, you will be staying with hubby and not parents after marriage..u will need to face a hubby whom u dote and love instead of finding somemore ur parents love....

i supposed u are in mid 20s?
 
Corals,

Im so shocked that your parents are SO much against him, without even giving him a chance to prove his character other than his qualifications.

Mind to give us more details?
-whats your qualification?
-what is his?
-are u from very well-to-do family?
-in the 1st place, how did your parents get to know him as your BF? eg: saw you with him at outside, you brought him home officially?


Abit of myself, initially when i introduce my BF (HTB now) home to meet my parents. My mum had some issues too.
Not huge issues though, but enough to inflict some damages.

Now, we are happily preparing my wedding together with my mum.

Melissa
 
yes mid 20s...i am a degree...he used to be an ITE...but gotten his diploma already...

I am consider middle well to do...his family not as good and his parents are separated...

They knew it when our neighbours saw us together during our 1st mth and told them....i intend to tell them but we were only together for 1 mth that time so i thot i wan the r/s to be more stable before telling them..

my aunts tried talking to them but well...situation still the same...but this yr cny when i asked if my bf could visit them...they told me no...dun wish to see him forever...even if i am fortunate in future they would not feel happy for me...its just my luck that i found someone good...they would not admit they are wrong...
 
hi corals,

i understand that you must be pretty confused about your parents' unrelenting behaviour towards the bf. basically to them, it is simply 'education disparity' than anything else about him - that proves that he is not lacking in character and attitude as incorrectly judged by them on 'education level' - cos for me, the two qualities are of utmost importance... even more so than obtaining a PhD.

you gotta place trust in your judgement in him, and not get swayed by your parents' disapproval. might gonna take longer than initially thought - 1 year, 2 years, now 4 years... just be prepared and be brave to face these parental issues together with him in the foreseeable years... like what he did - when he had no hesitation to face your parents upon their demand.
 
Hi Corals,

U r not alone. I am facing the same problem as you. Except that my mum curses my future child, retarded n curses that my bf will meet with an accident when he drives and i will be a widow.
She even threatens that i will never see her anymore after i get married. My own sister did not stand by me, instead "add fire" in front of my mum.
BUT i am still preparing for my marriage now and my bf and i are even more loving than ever. Be strong, COrals! We will be able to pull it over.. Pls feel free to share with me ur situation (if u dun mind)and see if i have "encountered" similar situations & have solutions for it..
happy.gif
 
Btw, at least your parents still wants to see him.. My mum nv once see him and that is her conclusion of him.
Have you gotten a hse and how far r u from ur ROM or customary?
 
Hi Ginger,

does you mum refuses to attend ur wedding too..my parents asked not to have a wedding at all cuz they will nv attend and even say that I wanna use the wedding reception/banquet to try to 'earn' money which I did not...i just thot by having a wedding reception is better for them...respect for them n such...

I only ask for them to attend and give blessings is it that tough??i asked them for a reason for the disapproval but till now they only just me 'i just dun like the look of him.period.'
 
we already applied for house...will be ready in 2 yrs time...we planning to ROM next yr...but customary if they are not gonna attend then i honestly dunno shud i still go ahead with it...

when they see him...they pushed all the blame to me...saying that i am the one that caused all the agony cuz i nv explained properly but when he is gone...they told me straight in the face that they wud not accept him...

they said they can even be cruel to disown me...when we get married...but they already v generous by still treating me the same only not acknowledging him n future kids...
 
since you're alright to go ahead without the banquet and all that hussles, i think it is better cos no probes from friends/relatives on parent's absence and their public disapproval...

as i've mentioned, it may take time for their acceptance or blessings. but anyway, gotta try to be less expecting for that cos i can understand that it can get rather demoralising....
 
Hi Corals..

Yes, my mum refuses to attend my wedding.. but i am still having 1. It is going to happen jan 2010.
happy.gif
This is what i did. I told my mum (that took me a lot of courage) that i have tables reserved for them, whether they want to come a not. This is respect to them (from my bf n i).
How we do it so that it will not be a loss to us ? My bf and i had committed to the min. no of tables so we are still fine as we only need to inform the hotel on additional tables 1 week b4 the wedding dinner itself.
It is tough for them to give their blessings cos they dun want to lose. My mum just tells me that she "feels" that he will not be good to me and we will not have a blissful marriage. No evidence, no concrete reasons.
My ROM will be next month.. so i should be able to see if my mum will try to come and destroy my wedding.. But tot you say they only c him once?
But wat can be more hurting then your most loved mum telling you that she hates him more than she loves you?
Btw, you can choose to go for wedding honeymoon instead of wedding banquet.. Cos wedding banquet can be quite "no face" for the bride if there are no parents attending from her side..
 
ya we intend to only do solemnisation not banquet...thot of going to canada for honeymoon...cuz no banquet we got more money...

ya they saw him only once then they said would not accept till he fulfill the 'terms' den when i told them he has done all they asked of him...they still refuse to accept...

what hurt most is when i trusted them so much...believing they will nv hurt me and yet they so easily just say all the mean things...

my parents also feel we would not have a blissful marriage...they said we cannot even afford a 3 room house...how to survive...they do not believe it when i told them my bf has a good stable job...with good income...they just v stubborn at times...now i apply house le...planning for ROM le...i also don't dare to tell them yet...i don't know wad drastic action or things they will do or say to me again...

many times i envy other couples sharing their joy of getting married n buying house with their parents...sigh...
 
both of u have cpf wat.. shldnt have any problem..
Anyway, its a better idea to go for a honeymoon wedding instead of having a banquet as what vios suggested..
Enjoy urselves and no need to face any questions. Thats the best man!
 
Oh shikes man! How can this still exist in these times?!

Hi Corals & Ginger,

For parents to say these kind of things really smacks childish and selfish. I hope your wedding turns out well and your SOs are the best so that your parents can eat their words.
 
ya got cpf...den we also applied for a 5 room le...but only dun dare to tell them...scared they will dunno do what...

anyway marriage still will go ahead only now is plan either simple solemnisation or overseas wedding...sometimes special for two of us to remember...
 
i sincerely wish you both the best... (both Ginger & Corals couple). it takes alot of courage in ur situation...dun give up..
happy.gif
 
Yes, little poppets..
This still exist at these times.. We r two examples.. and i have more friends with such problems.
My mum wouldnt eat her words. She would just say that eventually bad things will happen to us. This is something i m v sure she will.. cos she say to me before..
Anyway thanks for your support.. I am already half way there. Wish me luck!

Corals, dun tell them 1st. You still have a lot of time. When the time comes, then u break to them slowly. at most move out of the house 1st. Btw, i am still staying with my parents..
Just remember, stand by each other & dun give up. Prove that you will have a good life with him n be happy!
happy.gif
 
Corals, be patient and wait.. I have not given up though the chances of them coming are almost zero. You have to be strong as well. I still bear hopes. I do hope i am not wrong abt my parents' love for me. Will let you know more of my updates.. Do feel free to msg me if u need ideas ok.. Cheers! :D
 
Ginger & Corals: All the best! I feel lucky coz i had accomodating parents who trust my choice. i knew my bf 9 years ago when i was in JC and my bf in poly. now i have grad from uni 4 years le and my bf is currently schooling partime @ sim. i am glad that my parents have accepted him since day 1. we are getting married next year.

for ur parents, i guess time will change their perceptions of him ..if ur bf works hard for both of u and ur family, ur parents will like him eventually. coz at the end of the day, the person they all love most is u.
 
sounds like the fengshui master or fortune teller has triumphed...

else if u're not of the same race/religion, then racial/religious issues... then perhaps a slight hiccup there.

If u Satisfy yourselves that u have handled them in the best way u can...
If u Satisfy yourselves that u have handled your relationship the best u can...
If u Satisfy yourselves that u have done your part to win them over...

then go ahead, u dun need their blessing becos the Heavens have already blessed u with each other...

but remember nomatter wat happens... dun hold it against them, their biase and prejudice may be something that is a result of society and education and traditions and lotsa lotsa things beyond their control as citizens of spore...

seize your own happiness as Individuals First, then as a Couple... and Never forget your roots, and never fail to forgive those who do not have the capacity to understand u.
 
I nv did blame or hold it against them at all...in fact I still treat them as usual...helping mum with housework...sometimes bringing them out for meals...what ever they want...I will always give in to them...I understand maybe they are just over protective...I think as a daughter I really have done as much as I could already...

I am just upset because we were not even given a chance...one good thing is at least I know my aunt which is my mum's sister is trying to help me persuade my mum...
 
good luck... and time will tell... whatever it is, listen to your heart... your parents are not the ones living with ur hubby for the rest of your life...

when the 2 of u are united, u will cherish the relationship more cos it has been difficult
 
All the best Corals and Ginger. Though they are your parents, but it doesn't mean that we have to follow in every instructions if it is unreasonable.. Jia you. I believe happiness will be sought eventually.
happy.gif
 
I admire your filial piety Ggoldfish & your perseverance.

As for your b/f's condition, some people are pretty quick to judge (out of ignorance & fear).

I experience the same as my HTB has a medical condition too, that many people in Singapore are not familiar with. And when my family heard about it, they panicked right away & imagined the worse scenarios.

It took a lot of convincing before they gave us their blessing.

Good luck!
 
dramarama,

glad for you and your HTB, at least there is a ray of hope knowing someone who managed to get parents' approval eventually...

Any advice for the rest of us who need help?
 
My fiance and I overcame many hurdles to get to this point. I am a Masters grad, he has an 'O' level cert. My family migrated to Perth when I was 14, and we are considerably more affluent than his. My parents were very protective and I've had a very sheltered life... I remember the first time I took a bus was when I was in Sec 1... I was chauffered everywhere! Even in Sec School or University, my parents TOLD me which subjects to take and which course to choose. I was also pushed into getting my Masters. My whole life had been mapped out for me and I was just following whatever was planned.

My bf's family was very rich, until his dad gambled away everything and they went from living in a mansion to a 3-rm flat. He said he was 5 yrs old when loansharks came to the flat to spray print nasty messages on his door. They had to sneak out of the house in the wee hours of the morning to try to whitewash the graffiti while the neighbours were sleeping. Needless to say, his family is extremely dysfunctional and he barely speaks to his parents.

Naturally, my parents were horrified when I informed them, upon graduation, that I was moving back to Singapore. When they found out about my bf, they forbade me to move back. There were a lot of threats and when that failed, they resorted to emotional blackmail: "ur dad's blood pressure is so high.. cannot sleep every night. doctor said high risk of heart attack... see what u did, make him worry".. my dad told me "pls break up with him. if you won't do it for urself, do it for me. think of the family... the family is falling apart becos of you" My mum also said "if you get married, don't bother inviting me to your wedding. I will not turn up." I had many teary, sleepless nights over this. I felt guilty, and sometimes i even resented my bf... why is he 'like this'?

But I soldiered on and finally had a wake-up call when I told them we were engaged to be married, my mum said "it's ok, when you get divorced in 10 yrs, we will be here for you. anyway divorce is very common nowadays, you don't have to feel ashamed." Can you imagine how I felt?!

It was then when I told my parents, I appreciate everything they've done for me, and I love them very much. I told them I am very happy with my bf, and that I was disappointed that they aren't happy for me. I told them that they can't protect me from everything, and that I've grown up... I'm not their 'little girl' anymore. I suppose that's when it finally hit them that nothing they say will change my mind, and everything they do is going to push their only daughter further away.

Over time (it took 6 yrs!!), they saw my determination and knew that they cannot guilt me into changing my mind. Gradually, they were indifferent and it was a welcomed change. Whenever they visit me in SG, we would go shopping and no qns about my bf.. it was like he didn't exist. When it was time for me to go back for a visit last year, they asked if my bf is coming along. I acknowledged the olive branch and was happy that they finally accepted the fact that I'm getting married to him (mind you, it doesn't mean they've accepted him! It just means they've accepted the SITUATION).

Til now, they are still indifferent, though I try to keep my parents updated about my wedding preps and they make an effort to act interested, which is good enough for me. The up-side to this whole thing is that my wedding is truly about my bf and I, we don't need to "manage expectations" on both sides and we're not going thru with all the 'traditional' stuff. We can do whatever we want and not worry about having to please both sides.

Sometimes you just gotta be strong and not let anyone get in the way of your happiness.
 
ggoldfish, i had a very bad fallout with my mother. she tried all means to dissuade us from getting married. when all else fails, she threatened to disown me.

i had to ask myself then - do i continue to be the expected filial daughter, listen to my mother but be unhappy & look back at my life with regrets? or be strong, take my life into my own hands, & stand up to her. my b/f & i both knew that we love one another & we want to be married. the choice became obvious then.

she was shocked when i told her that i decided to go ahead with our marriage preparation. i guess reality also sunk in for her that if she will not accept our marriage, she'll probably lose me. so better to gain a son than lose a daughter right?

hang in there. i know it is difficult, esp in Asian culture where filial piety is of utmost importance. But sometimes, only you can to decide who or what is best for you. Your family & friends may love you dearly but they are not necessarily the best decision makers for you.

Stay strong. Hugs to you & your boyfriend.
happy.gif
 
AB and dramarama,

thanks for the advice...right now i am trying to muster up the courage which you gals have to talk to my parents again...and i really hope it will be a 'talk', not a shouting match that ends nowhere...everytime i approached my dad to have a 'calm talk', my dad will know what i gg to say and prevent me from continuing...this induce the frustration in me and soon the emotions of both sides will run high...i really hate that feeling...

coral, hope i dun give the impression that i am hijacking your thread...i ve not been giving updates of my situation for nearly one yr but i was taken aback when i read about yours and ginger's parents' reactions...it was just like a mirror reflection of my parents' actions and even the words spoken sound so familiar...

Coral n ginger, the road ahead of us is still a bumpy ride, but hopefully we will be able to travel on the smooth path soon...
 
Hi ggoldfish,

I dun think Coral will mind you joining this thread. We are on the same boat. I have read your story & i dun think you shld continue with that thread anymore..It is far too messy. *Sigh* I hope that holiday ger doesnt finds this thread and destroys the peace.
Ggoldfish dear.. I used to think that i am alone with such situation. But after reading Coral's, i know that i am not alone..
There are many simiar occurance between our situations. Lets share our problems here and see if we can help each other solve them.. as per chinese saying 3 smelly cobblers win a zhu ge liang..
happy.gif

Cheers.. dun be sad ok.
Btw, dun be too affected by your sis, believe that there are retributions in this world.
happy.gif

Very impt is believing in urself & ur own judgement..
happy.gif

Btw, i am going to be ROM-ed this week w/o my parents. But i am going to be very happily married..
happy.gif
 
ginger,

congratulations...you are indeed very brave...nt like me, keep trying to buy time...Hope you will enjoy the big day, and most importantly, your parents will be there to give their blessing eventually...

Btw, i was wondering, are you still going to live with your parents after your ROM or move in with your hubby? I really have no idea how to move out of the house peacefully...I really dun wish to resort moving out in the middle of the night...
 
Dear Coral, Ginger and Ggoldfish

I wish all three of you happiness. Be Brave, Be strong and soldiered on...

I was in a similar situation before and therefore, i know how heart-breaking it is.

In any case, All the best and may love conquers all!
 
hi corals.. my situation is exactly like yours just less the fact that we've not gotten engaged or applied for a house.

Both of us mid 20s, 4 yrs together, my parents met him twice, both 20 mins each. I have a degree, him a private diploma. I'm middle, well to do, him not so much. Mum refused to acknowledge his presence. Dad indifferent but can tell that he's not happy.

My bf has so many things planned for our future... but i'm always holding back fearful that one day i'll have to stand between them and make a choice. truth be told, i'll marry him tmr if I can. But I'm an only child... and i'm terrifed of what may happen to my family if I were to marry him. His parents and I get along so well.. and i feel laden with guilt that mine are unable to reciprocate. I wish i didn't have to live each day fearing that the happiest day of my life may be the worst as well.
 
Cecelia tan,
thanks for the encouragement...yes, indeed we need to be brave and strong...i am not saying that my choice will 100% be right, i jux hope to have the chance to make my own choice...

sylvie wu,
in the eyes of others, we may seem like unfilial daughters, defying the orders of our parents...only ourselves know how terrible the feeling is...torn between 2 sides...so far my bf parents also treats me well, and i am oso very guilty that their son has to be looked down in such a way...and i am like you, everyday think about how our wedding day will turn out to be...I am not the only child but i help out the family financially to a certain extent and i know my stubborn parents will refuse my financial help to make me guilty if i really defy them eventually...so everyday i am also trying to find out the solution to this...Everyday...

Jaycomposer,
your last sentence is what i am trying to communicate to my parents...no matter what, i will still love and respect them..even after wedding, i will still try to take care of them, no matter whether they accept...but being traditional parents, they keep emphasizing, esp my mum, how filial piety is the most impt value of our chinese, and defying parents' order is the most intolerable...anyway, i'm glad that your fren's did receive her parents' blessing eventually, although they did not attend her wedding...sth which i really scared happening to me...
 
i dun think we are unfilial...ggoldfish...is just that we wish to make a choice of our own...of cuz ultimately if anything happens we have to bear the consequences ourselves...i know my parents would not be there if anything goes wrong...so once i am married...i am alone...

i have done everything i could i feel...right now is really just up to them to just give me their blessings...i nv expect anything more than blessings from them...just a simple nod will do...

Wadever choice we made...we can nv be 100% sure if it is correct or not...its probably a risk...my parents once said...i have to keep finding someone till i managed to find someone whom they like and accept else i just have to keep finding n breaking up...it was after this that i told myself i shud really stick to my choice if i feel it is the correct one...
 
coral,

sorry for taking so long to post...was really busy with work...how's your wedding preparation coming along?

your sentiments is exactly like mine...yes, every marriage is a gamble...my parents said even if i am having a blissful life when they are alive, they are sure that i will suffer when they are gone...i really dunno how to react to that...i know i cant blame anyone if my choice is wrong...however, my parents INSISTED that i will blame them if i am unhappily married...so far I dun think i have blamed them for anything, so i dun understand why they keep insisting...

i wonder how ginger is doing now? Hope everything went well for her...
 
Hi goldfish & ceceilia,

It had not been very good for me with my family.
I have been locked out from my ROM day till now. Somehow i felt "doublecrossed" by my dad who knows abt my ROM date.. Anyway, i am starting all over again now.. Strong!

It had been 2.5month since my ROM.. My house is almost completed. Wedding banquet is coming in around 2 mth time. I bear lesser and lesser hopes of them coming for my wedding banquet.

Be strong, gals!
Think carefully & dun turn back!
Cheers!
 
WHAT!?!?!?!

How can your family do this to you??
Hope you are managing well and fine.

Are you still staying with your family now? Will they do the same for your AD?

I do hope all the best for you.

JIAYOU!
 
ginger,

sad to hear that...i was really hoping your family will attend ur ROM...N not hearing fr u for some time, i tot all should be well for u...hai...

anyway, U mentioned u ve been locked out...Did u move some of ur stuff out b4 ur ROM? Or was this a total shock for u?

I knw my family would do the same...bt i plan to announce to them few mths b4 my wedding...so i ve no idea whether to shift anything cox my mum will be able to tell for sure...

Nevertheless, I hope ur family will have a change of heart and attend ur wedding eventually...be a happy bride!
 
Cherub & ggoldfish..

I am now staying with my husband's family.. I dont think they will be coming for my wedding banquet..
sad.gif

I didnt have chance to move any of my stuffs out b4 my ROM.. It was a total shock.. My mum is also able to tell if i move anything out either..

Anyway, whatever it is, just prepare for the worst.. even if your dad or mum (whoever that is not objecting) says that they dun want u to move out until your customary, just be mentally prepared for the worst cos you wouldnt know if you will be double crossed by your own parents..
sad.gif


All the best gals...
 
Hi Ginger, I feel for u after reading ur post. It must have been tough on u all this while. But as long as ur husband and his family stands by u, am sure you'll be fine.
happy.gif


do stay strong yah? even if ur parents do attend, be prepared for negative comments or even "pouring of cold water". But nonetheless, it's ur wedding and u deserve all the happiness. ur wedding is in Jan rite? coming real soon and I sincerely wish u a blissful marriage!
happy.gif
 
Parents care for their children, would often want the very best for them. They have seen a a lot and have valuable advice for us - it is often worthwhile to take a step back and try to see from their point of view. As the saying 当局者迷，æ—观者清 goes， we might have missed what they see in our other half.

Here's a part of an article on choosing your marriage partner, see if you agree.

å‡å¦‚今天这个男生跟你认识了，他马上跟你说：我好爱你。这一定是什么？一定是骗你的，这个ä¸ç¬¦åˆè‡ªç„¶ï¼Œè¿™æ˜¯é”™è¯¯çš„。然åŽï¼Œä»Šå¤©é‡åˆ°ä½ å°±å‘Šè¯‰ä½ ï¼Œã€Œæˆ‘这一生éžä½ ä¸å«ï¼Œéžä½ ä¸å¨¶ã€ï¼Œä½ ä¹Ÿè¦èµ¶å¿«æ¸…醒过æ¥ã€‚他是什么？他åˆä¸çŸ¥é“你是什么人，是ä¸æ˜¯ï¼Ÿä»–也ä¸çŸ¥é“你的整个对人ã€å¯¹äº‹çš„æ€åº¦ï¼Œç„¶åŽä»–就说他很喜欢你，这å«åšä»€ä¹ˆï¼ŸèŠ±è¨€å·§è¯­ï¼›ä½†æ˜¯èŠ±è¨€å·§è¯­çš„力é‡å¾ˆå¤§ï¼Œä½ æ²¡æœ‰ç›¸å½“的定功会承å—ä¸äº†ï¼Œæ‰€ä»¥ä¸€å®šè¦å…ˆç»™ä»–们建立正确的认知。而相识到相知这个过程è¦å¾ˆå†·é™ï¼Œæ¯”方说你觉得这个男孩å­ä¸é”™ï¼Œä½ å°±è¦ç»†ç»†åœ°è§‚察，看他都跟他的åŒäº‹æ€Žä¹ˆç›¸å¤„，他都跟他的朋å‹æ€Žä¹ˆç›¸å¤„；或者你跟他是大学åŒå­¦ï¼Œä½ å°±è¦çœ‹ä»–跟其他åŒå­¦æ€Žä¹ˆç›¸å¤„。你这样观察很客观，就能真正瞭解他的åšäººã€åšäº‹çš„æ€åº¦ã€‚

å‡å¦‚一开始，你还没有认识到他，你就跟他å•ç‹¬çœ‹ç”µå½±ã€çˆ¬å±±ã€å–咖啡，这样会怎么样？他一定把他最好的，ä¸åªæ˜¯ä¼šæŠŠä»–最好的，还会超水准表演给你看；然åŽæœ€ä¸å¥½çš„统统埋起æ¥ï¼Œæ‰€ä»¥ä½ è®¤è¯†çš„ä»–å°±ä¸æ˜¯ä»–平常的样å­ã€‚å‡å¦‚他跟其他的åŒå­¦ã€æœ‹å‹ä»–都éžå¸¸æœ‰çˆ±å¿ƒï¼Œéžå¸¸å…³æ€€ä»–人，ä¿è¯ä»–å‡å¦‚真正è¦è·Ÿä½ ç›¸æƒœç›¸çˆ±ï¼Œä¸€å®šä¼šå¯¹ä½ æœ‰å¾ˆå¤šçš„付出。所以相知也è¦å®¢è§‚ã€è¦ç†æ™ºï¼Œä¸èƒ½ä¸€å¼€å§‹å°±ä¸¤ä¸ªäººåŽ»æ´»åŠ¨ï¼Œè¿™ä¸ªéƒ½å¾ˆå±é™©ã€‚诸ä½æœ‹å‹ï¼ŒçŽ°åœ¨çš„年轻人都ä¸çŸ¥é“这一点，所以都陷入很å±é™©çš„境地。有å¥è¯è®²ï¼Œã€Œå› ä¸ºè¯¯è§£è€Œç»“åˆï¼Œå› çž­è§£è€Œåˆ†å¼€ã€ï¼Œå¯¹ï¼å› ä¸ºä»–的瞭解是表é¢ï¼Œä¸æ˜¯çœŸæ­£å®¢è§‚的瞭解。所以，相知很é‡è¦ï¼Œè¦å¤šè§‚察，è¦å†·é™ã€‚

å†æ¥ç›¸æƒœï¼Œç惜彼此的因缘ã€ç›¸å¤„的机会，之åŽç›¸çˆ±ï¼Œå†èµ°ä¸Šåœ°æ¯¯çš„那一端。在这个相知过程有一点很é‡è¦ï¼Œè¦æœ‰å…±è¯†ä»¥åŽå†èµ°å‘婚姻。很多朋å‹å¾ˆæœ‰é›„心壮志，她说：他的观念ä¸å¯¹æ²¡å…³ç³»ï¼Œæˆ‘去改å˜ä»–。有没有雄心壮志？这ç§äººè¿˜ä¸å°‘。我会跟她说，有一å¥è¯å«ã€Œé†‰å§æ²™åœºå›èŽ«ç¬‘，å¤æ¥å¾æˆ˜å‡ äººå›žã€ï¼Œä½ å‡å¦‚是抱æŒè¿™æ ·çš„æ€åº¦åŽ»ï¼Œå›žæ¥çš„ã€æ´»è¿‡æ¥çš„没有多少人。因为到了二ã€ä¸‰åå²ï¼Œå¾ˆå¤šçš„习惯ã€å¾ˆå¤šçš„性格已ç»æ¯”较固ç€ï¼Œé™¤éžä»–自己愿æ„改å˜ï¼Œä¸ç„¶åˆ«äººå¾ˆéš¾åŽ»æ‰­è½¬ä»–。所以我们还是è¦éšç¼˜ï¼Œä¸è¦åŽ»å¼ºæ±‚，è¦æ‰¾åˆ°å¿—åŒé“åˆçš„伴侣，婚姻æ‰ä¸ä¼šèµ°å¾—很辛苦。

相爱，怎么样去爱别人？怎么样去辨别人与人的相处是真正的爱？你看现在很多人把这个「爱ã€å­—æ‹¿æ¥å¨èƒåˆ«äººï¼Œæœ‰æ²¡æœ‰ï¼Ÿæˆ‘很爱你，所以你应该替我怎么样怎么样。当对爱ä¸çž­è§£ï¼Œå¾ˆå¯èƒ½ä¼šæ‹¿ç€çˆ±åˆ°å¤„控制别人，到处让人家生痛苦跟烦æ¼ã€‚我们看这个「爱ã€å­—，它是会æ„字，中间一个「心ã€ï¼Œå¤–é¢ä¸€ä¸ªã€Œå—ã€ï¼Œæ‰€ä»¥çˆ±æ˜¯ç”¨å¿ƒåŽ»æ„Ÿå—。感å—什么？感å—他人的需è¦åœ¨å“ªé‡Œã€‚当对方都时时感å—到你的需è¦ï¼Œéƒ½ä¼šæ‡‚得关怀你，你的内心ã€ä½ çš„æ„Ÿå—会很温暖，ç»å¯¹ä¸ä¼šåƒæƒ…歌一样写得那么痛苦。所以爱的感觉是温暖的。我们现在è¦æ‡‚得判别是ä¸æ˜¯çœŸæ­£çš„爱，å‡å¦‚ä¸æ˜¯ï¼Œè¦èµ¶å¿«æŠ‰æ‹©ï¼Œä¸è¦æ‰§è¿·ä¸æ‚Ÿã€‚

爱的言语是正直的，它的言语ä¸ä¼šä¸€å¤§å †çš„花言巧语，今天他会对你花言巧语，改天他åŒæ ·ä¼šå¯¹å…¶ä»–的人花言巧语。å而是ä¸å¤§ä¼šèŠ±è¨€å·§è¯­çš„男人é å¾—ä½ï¼Œå› ä¸ºä»–的精神ã€ä»–的用心都没有摆在这ç§èŠ±è¨€å·§è¯­ä¸Šï¼Œæ‰€ä»¥ä»–æ‰è¿™ä¹ˆä¸ä¼šè®²è¯ã€‚那些花言巧语的，就是把精神都放在哪里？都放在这些言语的推敲上。有ä½å¥³å£«ï¼Œå¥¹è¯´å¥¹ç¬¬ä¸€æ¬¡è·Ÿå¥¹å…ˆç”Ÿè§é¢ï¼Œå¥¹å…ˆç”Ÿä»€ä¹ˆè¯éƒ½æ²¡è¯´ï¼Œç¬¬ä¸€å¥å°±è·Ÿå¥¹è¯´ï¼šä½ çš„牙齿ä¸å¥½ã€‚接ç€åˆè¯´ï¼šæ‰€ä»¥ä½ çš„肠胃也ä¸å¥½ï¼Œå› ä¸ºç‰™é½¿ä¸å¥½ï¼Œä½ å’¬é£Ÿç‰©çš„时候消化就ä¸å¥½ï¼Œæ‰€ä»¥è‚ èƒƒè´Ÿæ‹…也会大。åŽæ¥å¥¹å°±æƒ³ï¼Œè¿™ä¸ªäººçœŸè€å®žï¼Œéƒ½æ²¡æœ‰èŠ±è¨€å·§è¯­ï¼Œç¬¬ä¸€æ¬¡è§é¢å°±æŠŠæˆ‘的缺点讲出æ¥ã€‚她觉得很å¯é ï¼ŒåŽæ¥å°±å«ç»™ä»–。事åŽæƒ³æƒ³ï¼Œå¥¹è¿˜çœŸæœ‰æ™ºæ…§ï¼Œå¥¹çŸ¥é“言语正直的人æ‰å¯é ã€‚所以爱的言语应该是正直的。

å†æ¥ï¼Œçˆ±çš„心地是无ç§çš„，他存心是无ç§çš„。一个人懂得关怀ã€çˆ±æŠ¤åˆ«äººï¼Œä»–应该是对父æ¯ã€å¯¹å¦»å­ï¼Œè¿˜æœ‰å¯¹æœ‹å‹ï¼Œç”šè‡³äºŽæ˜¯å¯¹é™Œç”Ÿäººï¼Œä»–都是åŒæ ·çš„æ€åº¦æ‰æ˜¯ã€‚现在很多男女交往，对方ä¸æ„¿æ„继续交往了，他就æ¼ç¾žæˆæ€’，甚至于会伤害对方。这个ä¸æ˜¯æ— ç§çš„心，这是控制ã€å æœ‰æ¬²ï¼Œä»–们是穿ç€çˆ±çš„外衣在骗人。所以你è¦ä¼šæ˜Žè¾¨é‚£ä¸ªå«æ¬²ï¼Œé‚£æ˜¯æŽ§åˆ¶è·Ÿå æœ‰ï¼Œç»å¯¹ä¸æ˜¯çˆ±ï¼Œä»–们把这个爱字给污染了。

å†æ¥ï¼Œçˆ±çš„行为是æˆå…¨çš„，懂得æˆå…¨åˆ«äººã€‚我们有ä½è€å¸ˆï¼Œå¥¹çš„先生有个妹妹，在å¤å¨å¤·è¯»ä¹¦ã€ç”Ÿæ´»ã€‚刚好妹妹在财务上出现问题，她的先生就跟他太太讲：我们这两三年存了一些钱，现在妹妹有困难，我想把这两三年存下æ¥çš„钱统统汇过去。诸ä½æœ‹å‹ï¼Œå‡å¦‚是你è€å…¬ï¼Œä½ ä¼šæ€Žä¹ˆè¯´ï¼Ÿæ€Žä¹ˆéƒ½è¯´ä¸å‡ºæ¥ï¼Ÿè¿™ä½è€å¸ˆé©¬ä¸Šè·Ÿå¥¹å…ˆç”Ÿè¯´ï¼Œå¥¹è¯´ï¼šä½ è¿™ä¹ˆåšæˆ‘很感动，你这样无ç§åœ°ç…§é¡¾ä½ çš„妹妹，相信你妈妈ã€ä½ çˆ¶æ¯ä¼šå¾ˆæ¬£æ…°ï¼Œæ‰€ä»¥æˆ‘支æŒä½ è¿™ä¹ˆåšï¼Œæ˜Žå¤©æˆ‘去帮你汇钱。你看这个太太还亲自去帮先生åšè¿™ä»¶äº‹ï¼Œæ‰€ä»¥çˆ±çš„行为是æˆå…¨å¯¹æ–¹çš„善良，æˆå…¨å¯¹æ–¹å¯¹çš„行为。这个è€å¸ˆéš”天è¦åŽ»æ±‡é’±ï¼Œåˆšå¥½å¦å¤–一个朋å‹å¬åˆ°è¿™ä»¶äº‹å¾ˆæ„ŸåŠ¨ï¼Œä»–说你ä¸ç”¨åŽ»æ±‡ï¼Œæˆ‘去帮你汇，他跟银行很熟。然åŽæ±‡å®Œé’±ä»¥åŽï¼Œå‘Šè¯‰è¿™ä½è€å¸ˆè¯´ï¼Œä½ ä»€ä¹ˆæ—¶å€™ç»™æˆ‘都没关系，我已ç»å¸®ä½ æ±‡å¥½äº†ã€‚所以，一个人善良的行为会感动身æ—周é­çš„人。
 
何谓ä¸ç¬¦åˆè‡ªç„¶è§„律？
男欢女爱，两性相å¸ï¼Œæ˜¯å†æ­£å¸¸ä¸è¿‡çš„事
无论是一è§é’Ÿæƒ…，还是日久生情
åªè¦å½“事人éžå¸¸ç¬ƒå®šè‡ªå·±çš„选择是对的åˆä½•é¡»æ€€ç–‘？
如果没有正当的ç†ç”±ï¼Œå…‰å‡­è‡ªå·±çš„标准和想象就质疑别人的选择
那局外人的å对实则是在æ…局，对ä¸ï¼Ÿ

当局者迷？
我倒觉得是清者自清ï¼
ä¸è§å¾—长辈的è¯å°±ä¸€å®šæ˜¯å¯¹çš„
盲目å¬ä»Žæ˜¯è¿‚è…的表现
这样å­æ´»ç€ä¹Ÿæ˜¯ç™½æ´»ï¼
 
omg took me so freaking long to read all the chinese bits...

*big applause for junkie*

frankly i think the article is full of shit.
 


Just browse through the chinese bits too long liao. Not neccessary the chinese article is full of shit. It just share to open up your eyes when you seek love and not to follow blindly. Be rational.

Recently I had someone close to me falling into the category of 当局者迷 and fallen victim to 花言巧语. Ended up tio scarred big time and life endangered.

Heng was salvaged and pulled back. Now still monitoring. The starting point of most parents are that they are concerned and at times overly protective. But it's because they care too much till some do not know how to let go. It's a double edge sword.

Well for the involved parties, they have to be able to recognise and take responsibilities for their own actions too to uphold their 选择. Otherwise if end of the day they still need others to clear their shit, what 选择 is there to talk about?

We had also read so much cases of those diving blindly and then point fingers here and there eventually. 选择 is a word to talk about only when you are responsible without regrets.
 
You must log in or register to reply here.

Back
Top